I hated myself last night
For the confusion I caused
For stepping out of line
For the intent to deceive

It was silly actually- all over pretty, pink satin shoes
The right people got paid in the end
No one ever knew the lie
All was cordial, all is fine
But even if no one gets hurt, isn't deception for your own personal benefit still wrong?

I just want to be a good person

I took a needle to my arm last night
Until the red of my blood pooled through
Whether to comfort myself or as punishment I'm not quite sure
But who's to say that it can't be both?

I wish I could tell myself that I didn't deserve it

Non-existent and non-functional; these digital walls are faux
You can't live through upset motions, triggered by disgust
Create something new, something that will not save you
Something that will make you want to save yourself

I'm happier,
I promise.
I'm doing better,
okay?
You don't have to this,
please.
I'm sorry that I'm hurting,
and I know,
you are too.
But what I don't understand,
is what I mean to you.
You say I'm your best friend,
but you don't act like it.
That night we hung out,
you made me feel things again,
and as much as I hated that,
I loved it all the same.
I'm happier,
I promise.
Now that you're not sad,
even though,
it hurts me,
I love seeing you smile again.
I care about you,
in more ways than one.
I can't escape it,
I wish I could.
Believe me,
I wish I could.
I'm happier,
I promise.
Even though I'm lying,
I know it's what you want to hear,
so I'll just fake it.

I am Strong

I am  Powerful

I am Brave

I am Strong

I am Powerful

I am Brave

**I am Strong

I am Powerful

I am Brave

"shut your mouth, you fat *****!"
oh alright. i wasn't talking but sorry for displeasing you.

"you're soo ******* annoying, you should go die!"
i already know that, but thanks for the reminder.

" your face annoys me, go somewhere you belong"
...

oh sorry,
you get to treat me like this and tell me *"it's nothing personal, darling"
it is personal,
because you only treat me like this.
it is personal,
because you remind me every single day of my ******* miserable life.

so **** this,
i'm over your ****.
you can think whatever the ******* want,
i don't give a **** anymore.
it's time i do me, and not what you want.

*********!

Guilt has rapped me whole
How do I explain my heart
When you hold it safe

you probably think you drained me that afternoon
stole the last bit of hope I had that love is more than bare bodies pressed against each other in the dark
but I still have the same fire in me I’ve had since I was six years old
hearing my father slur his words at 2 am while I pretended to sleep, trembling hands and sweaty palms until we make it home
and I swore I’d never choose a bottle and a hollow heart over someone I was meant to love
but if I didn’t need a man then to show me I was worth more than empty promises and inconsistent affection
what makes you think I’d need one now?

ven·det·ta
venˈdedə/
noun
noun: vendetta; plural noun: vendettas
a prolonged bitter quarrel with or campaign against someone.

I'm trying to be okay, I write
five things a day that make me happy
Like one cup of vanilla ice cream with five spoons for each friend
or that gym teacher who ran alongside his class
I draw up plans for the future
drenched in exclamation points, like punctuation can change
the meaning behind the words, and sometimes
I think I can lie to myself
But feeling isn't just something that goes away, even numbness tastes like pain

The pain is everywhere
It's the pangs of my heart, it's in the lethargy of my eyes and the calloused soles of feet, worn from walking in circles
My head is stuck in a constant lightning storm, my face always  under the water, chest screaming to breathe
and dying seems so easy

The pain still swirls around me like a tornado, and as if
putting my faith in a magic spell
I just stand in the middle of it with my hands over my eyes,
Whispering the words, over and over

"I'm okay."