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Sat with you
I feel like home
kind of different
than before
than ever before
so different, me
to what I know
what I assumed was me
without realizing
I was living
someone else's dream
Healing levels of doubt and fear seems to require a lot of consistent letting go, and embracing, fluidity and courage. Things are not as crazy as I imagined they were. The more I heal, the easier it is to feel like I am normal after all. I never thought that was a good thing before. How it changes!
 Jan 2016 Kaiana Mapp
lX0st
Polaris
 Jan 2016 Kaiana Mapp
lX0st
And even when my eyes are closed
Your light dances behind my lids
Illuminating the path to your open heart
My North Star guiding me home
When I first heard about the concept of love
All I was taught
Was overwhelming
heart-pumping
lips quivering
speech stuttering
palms sweating
mind boggling
Love.

No one bothered to say a word about
Lust.
about how attraction
did not always mean
Love.

I started throwing away good things because
I was underwhelmed
My heart was keeping a pretty steady pace
My lips were plastered in a smile
My speech was as smooth as the sea
My palms were closer to the Sahara than the Mediterranean
And my mind,
well, my mind was wondering what do I do next?

My mind was categorizing this man as
a friend.
Because for some reason
I am not allowed to have control of myself
while I am talking to a male I am attracted to
For some reason
he has to make me feel a certain type of way
in order to be someone I love.
For some reason
this was the only way to know
who I was in love with.

The truth is,
that man ,
the one who clearly wasn't my soul mate,
is now my best friend
the love of my life.
 Jan 2016 Kaiana Mapp
Coldsheets
I got the word out,
I'm gay,
I'm a male,
I'm into males,
Girls decided, YAY GAY BEST FRIENDS,
Guys decided, ew ******
Everyone else had no comment
They didn't want to be rude,
But I could tell they thought I was disgusting.
I found him, the guy I wanted,
But he didn't want me.
I worked hard to get to him. But he wanted nothing to do with me
A clock ticks time by tirelessly
Gears winding like twines of string
With quaint clicking quickly quieting
Until finally time stands still

Broken glass of a smooth clock face
Gears halting in deformity
Glistening shards like the sands of time
Ceasing in their downward flight

A once beating ticking heart of life
Now is lost within a sleepless night
Once a momentum to continued light
Now falls to the ringing silence's might

Time broken into shattered deaths
Until there is simply nothing left
Maybe you've guessed; my nightstand clock broke. It's not like it was an antique that belonged to my great grandmother or anything. Oh wait....
Trending Tags
#love #life
#sad  #pain
#depression
#death #you
#sadness #heart
#hurt

this is my concession speech

having dabbled in the above black arts,
what needs saying, been said
and pun pardon,
not too alive,
like fav jeans,
pretty much worn to holey death,
put aside for a well needed rest

I am losing,
a real loss,
not candor, not inspiration,
but finding new ways to say new things,
well aware that Balanchine said
"there are only new combinations"

nature, I have dabbled,
but ready, easy to concede
this is Harlon's
River, his wilderness territory

he without peer,
unequaled in essaying on
this planet's essentials

as for the magic of daily grinding,
nothing could be finer,
than to see the family and the daily bread
made, fed, and put to bed,
than by the hands of
betterdays,
while
Pradip
makes me laugh,
with his wifely wisdom and jokes
and the humanity of his insights
and prods deeper,
make me a
weeper-profusely,
keeping us all
real and unplugged,
and
Bala's
journal's mysteries illuminate and spice
the places hidden,
by me, from myself

the
r
man who has got his shoes impudently railing,
cap'n never complains or whines,
but in precious few,
he rivets you to the earth,
fixing rooting you to a rooted place,
he intoxicates with
southern simple and pithy,
and makes the title poet,
a worthy one

could I go on naming names?

sure,
Mother
Maria
said, "chile, it ain't necessarily so,"
Kelly
adds beautiful,
and I agree with her rose
that grows even in her rugged soul's clime,
Simrik,
a child who writes
old wisdom from where acquired unknown,
and
Oliviaputs the
O
on my mouth smiling


anyway can't,
write so good no more (see),
finding
SJR's
voices now
in my head,
saying
careful boy,
you already wrote that
in a single consorting chorus voice

been authorized to dribble drivel,
but that don't cut for prideful fools
like yours true and truly,
tho looking at this,
what lies above,
would be doing
an inaccurate accurate,
calling this worthwhile,
feels like
a phony smile

so what to pursue?

silence not an option,
for the brain inferno'd
and the devils pitchfork
pinpricking with stabs of
visionary guilty judgements

so of what to write?

the answering simple uncomplexity,
Shauuna,
so here are the things I tell myself

forget the me in we and write
of thee, let that be my solitary
tag,
pray god don't make a hash of it,
write of new poets uncovered,
play thru ego and play hard to
recover thyself
by focusing on
uncovering
thee,
the new poets who
will lead the way,
bring this old dog~man,
way back from astray
A quiet Saturday and the poems are shedding themselves, right and left,
for I am feeling so/do much love, from across the world from so many of my crew
 Nov 2015 Kaiana Mapp
Ruthie
Falling for you was just too easy.
Smooth words, late nights.
Enough to make a young girl cry.
I fell for you a bit too fast.
I'm not too sure how to make us last.
Cause if I fell so easily.
And you knocked down my highest walls.
How am I to know it's not just me?
I feel the heartache setting in.
Bracing myself for crashing down.
I don't know
the tie dye sky could hold thousands of us. people like us, wishing only to create something more beautiful than ourselves and what we are. we only want to breathe in the universe and take our interpretation of it as an art form. we are artists and we deserved to be loved. loved like the deserts and the oceans and the mountains and everything in between. we deserve to be loved like the people love the California sunshine. you can be my California. you can be my hopes and dreams. I only ask that you don't go ripping at the seams. I don't believe in true love but I believe in soulmates and as far as I'm concerned, you're mine. so play your music and let's travel into the deepest crevices of our minds as we attempt to figure each other out, only mildly surprised when we find that we cannot. after all, what's the point in understanding something as beautiful as each other? -hvj
in the end, it doesn't matter. it'll always be the memory of the one who got away that clouds your judgement and ruins your conscience. the one who destroyed the word love for you. the one who made everyone else meaningless.
as dreadful as it sounds, you crave that hurt because it's so much better than feeling nothing at all. even though, you cry yourself to sleep and try to numb the pain in any way you can. you want to feel, then you long for the numbness that leaves you when you do. -hvj
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