When I first heard about the concept of love
All I was taught
Was overwhelming
heart-pumping
lips quivering
speech stuttering
palms sweating
mind boggling
Love.

No one bothered to say a word about
Lust.
about how attraction
did not always mean
Love.

I started throwing away good things because
I was underwhelmed
My heart was keeping a pretty steady pace
My lips were plastered in a smile
My speech was as smooth as the sea
My palms were closer to the Sahara than the Mediterranean
And my mind,
well, my mind was wondering what do I do next?

My mind was categorizing this man as
a friend.
Because for some reason
I am not allowed to have control of myself
while I am talking to a male I am attracted to
For some reason
he has to make me feel a certain type of way
in order to be someone I love.
For some reason
this was the only way to know
who I was in love with.

The truth is,
that man ,
the one who clearly wasn't my soul mate,
is now my best friend
the love of my life.

You forced yourself on me
That is a fact
You knew I didn't want it
That is a fact
Despite my weak arms attempting
With all their power
To push you off of me
You kept trying
And that is a fact

You said it was okay
This is a fact
But my question is:
Okay for who?
Despite our previous discussions
You continued to pin me down
And didn't stop
Until someone else found us
And tore you off of me.
These are all facts.

But when it comes down to it
My friends think we just hooked up
They believe it was enjoyable for me
Because there were only three people in that room that night
Only three people who know
The facts.

Just because I can't write a poem about you,
Does that mean I don't l

There are a lot of things to do when sad:
watch movies
stay in bed all day
write

but the one that always makes me think
is the music I choose to listen to
the music without words
without lyrics to convey emotion

you can listen to it for hours
it might not change your mood
but you can do it
without faking a smile
or bursting into tears

we fall into this trap of just feeling okay
and thinking thats enough
"at least I'm not crying"
well you aren't smiling either
or enjoying life

but no one has found a cure
no passage out
so on I will continue
feeling quite mediocre

I looked through all 182 pages of my life
but i couldn't find what i was looking for
All the pages that were about things I loved
That boy I loved
are now just sad memories of the past
and that one year when all my friends left
You were there
and helped me get through
but now I'm losing you
just like the rest of them
I tried to explain that one sick relationship
(if you could call it that)
and all I came up with was
I was stupid
however
I continue to make the same mistakes
maybe I am stupid
I saw the pages about that retreat I went on
Remember when I changed peoples lives?
Now that all means nothing
Now I'm just right where i started
Alone and sad
Awake in bed at night thinking
Where is that thing I am searching for?

There are some things better kept unsaid.

The extra drink you snuck to help you fall asleep
All of the happiness in the world
Wouldn't help you forget
But that one drink,
Perhaps with just a little more liquid anesthetic
Than you would see in a bar
That drink will numb you
Just long enough to allow your eyes to close
Hopefully without the tears

This time.