I’ve never been one for love.

Sure, I’ve been in love,
But I've had more pain than joy.
Willing to walk through a fire,
Just to get some stupid boy.

Until,
He came around.
He brings me peace, love, joy, and laughter,
He makes me believe in a happily ever after.
He gave me hope, faith, and trust.
Hope in love, faith in us, and trust in the world.

Here’s why.
I told him I wanted him.
And everything that makes him, him.
The good. The bad. The ugly.
The memories; sad, loving, embarrassing, funny.

Because I do want him.
And he wants me.
He made me remember,
That love can be good to me.

You hurt me.

You’ve placed blame on me,
You’ve beaten me down,
Throwing rocks of anger and disappointment,
Not realizing that
Every.
Single.
Time, that you throw a rock,
You’re chipping away.
You say you want to talk,
But you have to get your way.
Because if you don’t,

You throw a rock.
And another.
And another.
Until there is what feels like nothing left,
So then you can convince me to repay my debt,
Of life.
Of breath.
Of my existence.
So, I picked up a rock.

And you shattered.
Suddenly, you were the victim.
I was “disrespectful,”
I was “out of line,”
But it was nothing knew,
Because you said that all the time.

You threw rocks when you were the one in the glass house,
And when that got repaid,
You came undone,
And I will not take that blame.

I’m not just in love with him.
I’m in love with his eyes,
Those beautiful blue oceans I could drown in,
His eyes are a gift, not won like prize,
Pure and loving, incapable of lies,
But it’s more than that.

I’m in love with his voice.
The way my name flows off his lips,
The way it calms me,
The way it drowns out the noise,
That rages in my mind, which feels like a void,
But my mind is the storm, and he is my calm.

But it’s not just him. It’s the things about him.
It’s his taste in music,
It’s his sense of humor,
It’s the fact he looks at me and ignore the emotional bruises, scars, and tears I’ve shed.
It’s how he treats like I’ve never been hurt before. It’s his gentle nature and calming tone,
And he truly makes me feel like he is my home.
So yes, I’m in love with him.
I’m in love with everything that makes him who he is,
And I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again,
I’m in love with what makes him, him.

They say forgiveness is easy.

Have you tried it?
Have you tried swallowing a pill without water?
Have you been in a fire, wondering if the flames can get any hotter?

Or did you just say that because that’s what’s easy?
Forgiveness is the hardest thing to come by,
And sadly it’s not always worth giving it a try.

I don’t know what to say about how I feel for you anymore.

I wrestle with my mind about your memory,
I thought you loved, cared for, and cherished me,
The same way I loved you. Cared for you. Cherished you.
But no.
I guess my first mistake was after I.
Because I thought these things,
You made me think these things,
But it was never proven true.
You didn’t show it,
I loved you and you know it.
I was hurting, yet you were too high to notice.
I was telling you how I felt but you chose not to listen,
You said you loved me but really you loved the attention.
And yet
I still think about you.
Worry about you.
Care about you.
You’ve given me a million reasons not to,
But again,
My first mistake is after I.
I still think, still worry, still care,
And after everything, my feelings are up in the air.
And that’s where they’ve stayed.

We were fine
Then we weren’t
As if at the flick of a switch
Our relationship lay under the dirt
From whence it came
To where it stays
Tell me love
Is this the price of love I have to pay?

I thought what we had was stable
Love is fragile
But our bond was strong
I thought so anyway
But it was fragile
Words hurt the surface but actions cause damage
But this time
Words hurt the surface
Words caused the damage
And now we’re in pieces
Like a jigsaw puzzle
Where the pieces don’t match
But I’d do anything to make them last..

Why do I get left behind?
I sit here patiently waiting for my turn
For someone to come to me, wanting to be mine
Wanting to see what I have to offer.
Because if only people cared,
They would see it on my face
That all I want to do, all I crave
Is it take care of someone.
But I want to take care of someone who wants to do the same for me,
Because god knows I give and give
But people take and take
Until I have nothing left to give.
So I go back to sitting
Waiting patiently for my turn
For my time.

I find myself drifting away more recently
Into a place in my mind where no one goes
No one knows it exists
Because it’s somewhere only I know
Where the grass is always greener
And the sun shines year round
Filled with chilly late fall evenings
And listening to the birds sing while in a porch swing
It feels like home
Because where I’m at is not home
The stress
The sadness
The burn out
That’s not where I want to be.
So I drift away

She was not the first pick for dodgeball,
Or football,
Or soccer,
Or tennis,
Nor was she the fastest,
Or strongest,
Or prettiest,
Or fittest,
But she was the nicest,
Most loyal,
Most kind and true,
But at the end of the day,
That never mattered to you.
You wanted the most perfect,
And prettiest,
And fittest,
And fakest,
… Which wasn’t her. So why’d you do it? Was it a bet?
A dare?
A scam?
Or a lie?
Because now in hindsight,
You are that type of guy,
To go after the nicest,
Most loyal,
Most kind and true,
To leave her broken, hopelessly devoted to you.
And once she’s rebuilt you’ll come back around,
Just to once again, try and knock her down.
And you knew she’s the nicest,
Most loyal,
Most kind and true,
So you knew that she’d come back to you.
And she does, because she is the nicest,
Most loyal,
Most kind and true,
And again, she’s left chasing the memory of you.
So again, she rebuilds, and throws out the
Terrible,
Horrible,
Manipulative, memory of you.
And she won’t let you come back.
Not because she isn’t the nicest,
Most loyal,
Most kind and true,
But because now she is the smartest,
Most loyal,
Most kind and true,
Which at the end of the day, never mattered to you.
So chase your Barbies,
Be happy,
Find a love that’s true,
Because in time, the same thing will happen to you.

Squiggled lines on a page where school work should be,
But her mind can’t rest whilst she’s writing a story,
Multiples stories, actually
Well, at least their endings
Looking at things in every perspective,
Trying to understand who went wrong and where,
Sometimes ending in happy ever after,
Other times ending in angst and despair.

I’m fine…
Is what I say everytime,
When you ask if I’m okay,
I don’t wanna hide,
But I feel like you’ll judge me and I don’t know why,
I can’t tell you what’s going on inside,
But something inside of me, fills my head with lies, and I can’t control it.
My anger, my sadness, the rage inside,
Tearing me up, clawing me from the inside, Holding me under, a never ending tide, of self loathing.
Changing me into something I’m not,
Causing doubt within all of my thoughts,
Making me forget all that I’ve been taught,
Like how to love myself.
How to smile at the red headed reflection,
The girl who fell victim to the power of suggestion,
Because our society is so far from redemption,
That it’s become a battlefield between acceptance and rejection,
Girls filling themselves with plastic and lip injections,
For what?
To be pretty?
To be accepted by people who don’t know who you are,
To be adored by the community that left you with scars,  
The world that we live in keeps us behind bars, and shackle us to certain beliefs.
The beliefs of a place that don’t care about race,
You could be a kid, but they will always discriminate,
Will things ever change?
Will we ever be comfortable in our own skin?
No matter what side you on, this war will never end,
If your skinny, gain weight.
If your big, lose weight.
If you show of your skin your considered a ***,
If you don’t show skin, you may as well stay at home.
Because no one will want you.
These are the lies of our glorious society,
The place responsible for the suicidal thoughts I have of me,
For the deaths of sweet souls, crying out in need,
For someone to tell them their perfect,
To love them for the person they are,
To encourage them to chase the stars,
To tell them that they can colonize Mars,
Because we can’t do this in our own.
Self motivation is hard when you don’t love what you see,
Like when your down in a rut you think it’s as good as it will ever be,
But you are perfect.
Love yourself for who you are,
Whether your skinny, fat, or your skin has scars,
Love your stretch marks and puffy eyes,
Your back rolls, or your rib cage outlines.
Because society can’t tell you that your not good enough.
Because all society is, is people who can’t stand it when you love yourself for who you are.

You see a smile,
A soft glance of her green eyes,
You've noticed her before, but something new shines within her eyes,
Yet she's not much to look at,
Other than her *******, eyes, and thighs,
She doesn't look up from her phone or her feet,
She just keeps walking under the cold fluorescent lights,
As she feels the eyes of her peers lingering on her skin,
As if poking, prodding, waiting to get in,
You take her for granted, as if prey for your eyes,
But she's just a human being,
Not just her *******, eyes, and thighs.

She was born a rose,
With deep red cheeks and hair blonde as gold,
Companied by a smile so kind, it was said to heal your soul.
And this "rose" was held delicately in the hearts of those who met her,
As she was just a young girl, with a heart made of gold,
But this "rose" had thorns to protect her sweet heart,
Only to be picked, and used, and thrown, and stomped,
By the world who didn't care about her or her thoughts,
By a world that kept spinning, when she was hurting and lost,
So that "rose" used her thorns to keep people away,
And finally, finally, got things to go her way,
Till one day she was picked,
When a "bee" landed on her petal,
So she shook and fought and punched and kicked,
But that "bee" didn't sting her, at least not right away,
Instead he stuck around, day after day,
Till one day he got tired of that "rose,"
And she had thought things were going okay,
And then he left.
And she was back to square one.
Her thorns had grown dull and her petals had holes,
And she again, picked herself up,
Ready for the next one.
Until the last petal fell.

Just a few dollars a month and we’ll make it go away,
Just take one with water at the start of every day,
In the same way you wake up every day,
These pills will be here, leading you every step of the way,
Out of the darkness, and into the light,
Then back to the darkness, where the symptoms lie,
Waiting,
To tear your mind apart,
To drive you crazy,
To weaken your heart,
But there’s no need to worry,
We have more pills if these ones don’t work,
So just take these and wait,
Until there comes the day,
That the meds stop working, so the doctor comes to say,
“There’s nothing more we can do, but we do invite you to stay,
We have a spot with Kathy, over in room 3A,
She screams at night, but it will be okay,
You’ll get used to it.
Now, we won’t really listen to you,
We have more important things to do,
Than to comfort a crazy mental issues,
But it’ll be okay.
So, what do you say?”

That time of year again,
When the grass bares a light crisp,
The trees stand barren,
Air into sweet smelling whisps,
Of a season so fragile,
It comes and it goes,
With birds flying south,
Families coming home,
It's that time of year again,
Time to go home.

I'm gone.

And if I'm not,
Then I'm slowly fading,
Erased from thought,
My mind degrading,
Memories on fire,
Existence blazing,
But through the fire,
I stand there gazing.

But...

I'm lost.

Because if I wasn't,
Then I would be found,
Raised from the ashes,
Like a phoenix heavenbound,
So I'll face the thrashes,
Of anxiety leaving my mind,
I am forever now ashes,
Of a phoenix,
That fell to the ground.

The struggle, the pain
The fear inside,
Is breaking me, changing me, filling my head with lies,
But you don’t see it. You don’t see the flame, the fight, the tears in my eyes,
They tell me I’m wrong,
And I break down and cry,
But why?

Why don’t you see my thoughts, the worries, when I walk out the door,
To go out in public,
To this judge mental world,
As only a kid,
With these feelings and scorns,

But this is me, a human,
What happened to “equal?”
Just cause I’m different, doesn’t mean that I’m evil.
But Maybe it’s you,
Your the problem, the pain,
The reason I hide,
The voice in my head,
Telling me to disguise,

But why does it matter?
Respect is respect,
It doesn’t need a social latter,
So stop worrying about who I am,
And worry about who you are,
Because United we stand,
And stand, we will, forever.

I wear the mask that shades and hides,
All the pent up tears inside,
It causes pain when I have to lie,
When people ask me, I say, I'm fine.

I have the eyes that see the demise,
Of the people who will never realize,
How words cut and jab like knives,
Bruising and clawing me up inside.

"I'm okay," says the teenager with hair covering her face to hide the tears.
"I had a good day," says the tired single dad to his daughters with a big smile.
"I ate today," says the boy with his ribs showing through thin long sleeve.
"I look good," says the man in heels too self conscious wear them in public.
"I'm not scared," says the young girl with anxiety on her first day of school.

If you could see what's on the other side of the mental mountain your climbing, would you make it over? Even if it's heartbreak, or the lottery, if you had the option to see what lyes before you, would you look? Or would you let the anticipation of "what if" drag you to the other side? Or would you terry along the mountain, knowing not what lyes before you, dreading what's to come, or having the knowledge of what's on the other side?

Im Bonnie with no Clyde,
An apple with no eye,
Missing colors to my sky,
Solemn sea without a tide.

I'm a work in progress,
getting better everyday.
A sunflower in a rose bush,
I don't care what people say.

I feel her presence,
I can hear her laughter.
It feels like forever;
It's only 2 years after.

We thought we'd live forever,
But all good things have to end.
She was caring, kind, and clever,
Lord, why did she have to ascend?

The friend we all wanted with a smile we all need,
she was funny and loving, just a regular teen.
Black dyed hair with platform heels, nobody noticed she was missing meals.

A song in her head with a knife in her heart,
these rude little kids were tearing her apart.
"Too skinny." "Too fat." "Too this." "Too that,"
This confused little girl was getting kicked to the mat.

Teenage life is a struggle alone,
but she was being bullied and had problems at home.
We spoke up and spoke out, but the school swept it away.
A perfect reputation was bound to stay that way.

You tell me pretty lies,
You protect me from the truth.
You look into my eyes,
And tell me not to fall for you.

You tell me about your crush,
And I dream that I was her.
You tell me not to rush,
But I don't wanna see you with her.

I looked in the mirror.
I didn't recognize what was looking back at me. I rubbed my eyes but the image wasnt any clearer.
She was broken and bruised. Submissive and misused.
Pushed around and cut up.
She was tired of being a **** up.
She had mascara on her face.
She felt like a big disgrace.
She was a sheep in wolf's clothing.
She deep in self loathing.
She quick to give a smile.
She only looked sad once in a while.
She looked whole.
She looked bold.
She looked strong.
Nothing was wrong.

Looks can be deceiving.
They can also leave you grieving.

Should I tell him?
Should I stray?
Should I want him?
Should I stay?

Does he like me?
Does he think I'm weird?
Does he want "we?"
Does he care?

Is he real?
This can't be true.
Am I dreaming?
I know you don't feel how I do.

I need to straighten my crown,
I need to clear out my head.
I need to flip up my frown,
I need to get out of my bed.

I'm gonna take back my smile,
I'm gonna be the best me I can be.
I've been hurting for a while,
I was blinded by sin, but now can see.

When I turn to look at you and see you looking at me,
It makes me feel lighter than air.
When I'm in pain and your the first one to see,
It gives me hope that life is fair.
When I have bad days and only you can tell,
I believe that your a blessing.
When we're both sad and going through hell,
I believe that your the only thing I'm missing.

Broken hearts, shattered dreams,
Daily glances, perfect schemes.
Your someone I'll never forget, but...
Why haven't you left me yet?

I could drown in your eyes,
I could faint in your smile.
I could laugh at your lies,
I could leave for a while.

I don't leave when your staring in my eyes,
I don't leave when your making me smile.
I don't leave when you tell me your lies,
I could never leave for a little while.

So why do you?

When my eyes were flooded,
When my world stood still.
When my heart was gutted,
When my mind lost is will.

When my smile lost its sparkle,
When my laughter sounded dull.
When my depression fought hard,
When my pain rang through my skull.

Mud covered boots, torn up soles.
Fractured mind, abandoning my role.
Running for miles, but I can't escape,
My boots remain loyal, I could never repay.

Hours on the phone,
Days without sleep.
Exploring the unknown,
If only you were mine to keep...

Why do we get judged by the look of our cover? I don't get it, this is childish, can't we talk to each other?
The things I do chase people off, I understand that I standoff.
"Did you hear the things she said?" "Did you hear what she gets called?" But the thing is, did you that I was Christian at all?

Same songs,
Different tunes.
Same nights,
Different moons.
Same stories,
Different endings.
Same mornings,
Different beginninng's.

When the world had no color,
Life was dull and never bright.
And now with everything a flutter,
The world wakes up at night.

Your happy then your sad,
Your joyful then your mad.
You laugh then you cry,
You smile then you lie.

You marry before you cheat,
You drink before you beat.
You give before you steal,
You were never truly real.

Fantasy:

Ariel gave up her voice for human legs,
Cinderella risked her life to go to the ball.
Moana left her family to save her island,
Merida defied the rules to be truly happy.

Real life:

Valentina Tereshkova was the first woman in space,
Virginia Hall was the first female spy.
Emilie Chatelet was the first female philosopher.
Hypatia was the female mathematician.

Why do I love you?

You don't love me.

You wouldn't give up your smile if it made me happy.
You wouldn't cry to take my pain.
You wouldn't take my place if I stared down a barrel.
You wouldn't protect me when my name is said in vain.

But the difference between us...

I love you

I would give up my smile if it made you happy.
I would cry to take your pain.
I would take your place if you stared down a barrel.
I would not let your name be said in vain.