You hide behind a wall.
Wear a mask & act as if the world is as you want it.
Your sleeves & jeans hide the scars that can't be seen.
Your face with such a thin layer of lies fools everyone without the need to second guess.
You hide so deep as if you can't be seen.
The wall with poor construction, begging to be broken down but no one stands up to the plate.
No chance is made.

~C☆J~

Familiar places making memories arise inside my mind.
I push them back, but I can still see you standing there.
With not much to say but the gears turning clear as day.
Not knowing the right things to say but what should be said.
Your words linger around me, as if their hanuting me.
Familiar places making memories arise inside my mind.
Why can't you disappear?
Can't you see that I didn't ask for this..?
I didn't ask for help.
I didn't ask you to make everything that's blurry, clear as the ***** beside me.
Clarity.
Who needs it in a place that's so carefully tainted.

How you look reflects how you feel.
so baby, always smile.
The eyes are windows to the soul, at least that's what I've been told,
but there are not enough stars in the sky nor do they shine quite as bright as the
constellations beside me.
Oh.. how I'd love to be the reason why they light up so vibrant.
That devious smile curving along your lips.
Meeting mine in a deep kiss.
The face I have the pleasure to gaze upon everynight,
there's a universe hidden beneath your skin.
I've come to the realizion that I may have wasted my life calling for the mediocre attention of the moon.
Light and dust from the comet fingertips, tracing patterns over my skin.
Life is too short and darling, we're too young to keep dwelling over pieces of the past.
They no longer serve us well.
Let's leap forward. Start again. Hold our breath, head held high.
Hand in hand, I promise I'll stay, if you fight.
So, let's go of everything that's no longer relevent.
I could drift away from the atmosphere.
As long as I was by your side through this crazy thing we call life.
The two of us together in this world.
Let's drive them crazier.

- Courtney Jean

What's wrong with me?
I'm one of thousands that think this everyday.
**** it's cliche.
To feel this way.
Knowing it's not just me.
Knowing no one will begin to understand
Listing the symptoms, getting close,
to being diagnosed.
The right amount of dosage won't change a thing.
"Give it a chance," they beg,
"Give it time. You'll see a difference.
You'll feel better."
Who are you to tell me what I should feel?
Who are you, to promise such a slim possibility?
The outcome is inevitable.
Live inside my mind for a day.
Then maybe you'll see.

It used to be that I'd follow your shadow as you walked ahead of me.
You're taking that ability for granted.
Instead of following you into the shadows of the unknown,
I find myself moving the opposite direction.
I now walk a new path with no trace of your existence lingering in my soul.
A path I may call home.
~C☆J~

He said he'll miss her,
The way she breathes life into everything around her.
Those eyes, mocking the color of the ground he walks on.
A daily reminder.
He says he'll miss her.

Living day by day.
Through all the same motions.
Her scent lingering around him,
How will he get by,
Without that daily pick-me-up
Always provided, never taking the time to realize it.

He says he'll miss her,
As he watched her walk out the door,
No longer an invitation to go after her.
Mind made up. She's never coming back.
As accepting as it was,
in the heat of the moment.
Regret beginning to eat him whole.
Filling him to the core as his heart goes cold.

What have we learned from this?
He says he'll miss her,
The empty place in his heart where she used to be.
A place that was once home.
He said he'll miss her,
We know better.

You know it's terrible, I can see your effort and trying your hardest to earn what it is you lost.
You're working backwards.
Doing the right thing in a mix of wrong choices.
When will you learn?
Your true colors are shining through, I refuse to let them be tainted by irrelevant information I already came to know.  
And this time, I refuse to believe that good could live inside of you.
You're not capable to handle the responsibility of being a host of something you dare to lose.

That knot in your stomache you can't shake off.

The feeling of loneliness you thought someone would brush off.

Instead, you sit alone, guilt exposed.

Should've thought about how life would be when you left her side, lost her heart.

The light to your darkness disappered.

The grip you felt when she pulled you from hell.

~C☆J~

Should have seen it from the start.
The slick words that came out of your mouth so effortlessly.
You know the game your playing.
By your expression, it looks as though you already know all my moves.
You've played this a few times.
You know how to make it all work to your advantage.
I gave you right to my body.
But baby.. you took every bit of your sweet time to manipulate my mind.
Made me trust a being that's not capable of being loved.
That only knows how to get what he wants.
You know you can't have your cake and eat it too.
But for some odd reason, you believe that rule doesn't apply to you.

-C.J-

I feel the the air around me brushing lightly, lovingly against my skin.
As I'm slowly making my way down to whatever awaits beneath me, I hear your voice in my head telling me I'll be more than fine.
But for some reason, I believe you.
I feel at peace.
I know I can trust you.
I've never felt so.. oddly certain.
I should be questioning everything.
But instead I feel no reason in my gut, body or soul to doubt you. Or anything else for that matter.
I give you the power to destroy me or make whole. You have decided to do none of the two.
But that doesn't bother me.
The anticipation doesn't get to me.
You do something to me that I have yet to understand.
Strangely.. I'm okay with that.

Even though you have you everything to lose,
I have this belief that you'll gladly give it up if it appears to be worth while.
I might be just be rambling on and on again about my fears and how there has to be something to this that's just not meant to last.
I try and starve them but they feed off my thoughts...
The ones you daily make me believe are false.

You think I get off at practically begging for your attention.
Have you ever thought maybe, if you listened and tried to understand, you'd see a change?
Wanting and being wanted goes both ways.
Otherwise there's always one of the two that's simply not getting enough to make them feel whole but enough to make them starve and come back for more.
I don't want that.
I want it to be equal.
I never want to question that you love me or find me attractive all because you limit your time, affection and attention.
You have your way of showing it, as do I.
But isn't the goal to pay attention and learn how someone needs to be wanted and needed and vice versa?
Wouldn't it equal out then?

Affection. A lot of guys don't get that the little things matter most to women.

Randomly grab her by the waist, push her up against the wall & kiss her.

Randomly grab her hand, drag her to the room & love on her, cuddle her.

Smother her with affection for while.
Most women, it'll drive them crazy.

Distance. Learning to have your own time. Do things you love. Don't lose yourself. Don't let your relationship status define you as an individual.

The thing with all that though,
is either you're giving too much or not giving enough. In time you learn to create a balance.
Not a routine but a language between the two of you that can't be misinterpreted.

This agony in my soul is what keeps me writing about the things that matter most.
The little green in my eyes are what keeps me thinking, I'm not like anyone else.
I may walk away but you can't see the eyes covered in the sea but only the shadow that follows me.
You can't feel my pain boiling my blood.
You can't read the thoughts in my head that only you would dread.
You take base on what you feel & what you see without any evidence to complete your theory.
Keep in mind, you'll never fully know "me."

Fearless thoughts you wish you could say.
Play with your tounge, misleading your intentions.
As you sit silently, as each letter of each word lingers around you like a snake
waiting to devour its prey.
A little voice whispers "Are you happy now?" as I walk away,
Slipping from grace, existance erased.

~C☆J~

‎You looked at me with a look of curiosity.

I never wanted to be the one you pushed

away at the end of the story, but with such

bad-luck, look where it got me.

I never meant to string you along like a

puppet, or even lead you on with a kiss,

as much of a slight regret, I still got

pleasure out of it.

I never wanted to be the one you had to

avoid when you walk past, the person you

wish you could take back,

or even a common mistake, a waste of

time, is it sad that I wanna call you mine?

I never wanted to be the one you "thought"

you knew, but the one you knew you

wanted.

I never wanted you to doubt, only if you

would've waited around..

You think I would be used to this constant disappointment by now.
This shakey feeling that lingers within my body when I'm shown again,
it's not just me.
That holds your attention.
This ending has come inevitable.
I'm starting to accept it.
Any future I saw involving you,
has become irrelevant.
And I'm becoming okay with it.
Lie after lie.
Don't you ever wish to speak the truth?
This can't be healthy.
This tightrope you have me walking on has started thinning out.
No concern for my safety.
Yet, you insist.
I gave you a gun, pointed directly toward my heart.
As the story would go,
you have every intention to pull and move on.
As life would have it.
Please do.
Make me hate you.
Someday you'll finally realize,
the grass will not always be greener on the other side.
Someday,
you'll understand that the time you took with the constant overwhelming curiosity,
Valuable time was wasted.

Her eyes.
That's what gives her away.
A hat worn tightly, meeting the top of her eyebrows.
Thoughts racing.
Thinking she finally figured it out.
What this life is about.
What she turned her life into.
Was it worth it,
The outcome of how things are now?
She asks herself, crowed around the ones that are supposed to matter.
..It doesn't matter.
Just a few chapters of things that go unnoticed.
A few people that come & go without a reappearance.
It could be worse. So I've been told.
Of course it can. & it has.
Little by little. Day by day.
Overlooking what could destory me in the future.
My only regret,
not accepting it when it could have made a difference.

-C.J-

The rules & guidelines are not always clear
But strictly up to the players that take every risk & dive in
Select START & let the game begin
Love with all your heart
Support their passions but also admire them to the point that their hunger for them motivates you to be just as hungry for your own
To feel the warmth of their embrace & subsequently desire to please
The longing to feel wanted & needed are fulfilled
Reaching every level, every obstacle together
Putting your doubts aside
Picking each other up
Knowing in the end, it all will be worth it.

When you feel like your world is falling apart,
being held & heard goes a long way.

December 30th, 2014
~Courtney Jean

Her stomach dropped with the thought of leaving.
Her mind went blank. In search of a solution.
She has no idea why she does the things she does.
The overthinking, the need & want for reassurance.
It bottles up within her. Waiting to consume her.
To make him understand, she's different.
She's a challenge that's mistakenly simple to understand. Yet.. so complex.
Young. In love with her idea of love.
She knows what she wants but in this world, it doesn't exist.
You take what comes close & accept that nothing is perfect.

I really shouldn't get my hopes up.
It never ends well.
I should know better by now.
This is just a story written and I'm just living in it.
With some scene cut and a few lines here and there mixed up.
A happy ending doesn't exist, only lessones learned.
Look out for chapter two.
This script could go forever if I allowed it to.
An end is the only way for a new beginning,
Sometimes the plot gives you a way to look back and give an idea to where your heading.

Four walls.
Two doors.
One window.
This room is eating me alive.
My mind is racing.
Cold under the sheets but the window stays closed.
This bed is partially empty.
Only one door with an entry.
These walls closing in on me.
I keep waiting for the floor to fall beneath me.

-Courtney Jean

Maybe, if I scream someone will hear me.
Not to have the impression that I'm going insane.
Let all out the anger.
The hurt that has been placed inside of me.
If I scream at the top of my lungs, would you understand?
That's its not your fault.
It's my own for not saying what's on my mind when given the opportunity.
I feel I could have changed what is now my reality.  
To change the outcome of all is going on around me.
Maybe if I scream, I'll wake up in a panic to find it was all a dream.
A chance, a clean slate.
Having control on how all this affects me.
Maybe if I scream... you'll hear me.

Your beautiful  brown eyes leave me breathless.

When I look deep inside, I leave my world of care & stress.

Dark & moving, they make me gaze with wonder.

When they look at me, I feel upbeat & happy.

I long to discover what is hidden behind the unreadable & straight faced.

Warmth surrounding me, reminding me that I'm safe.

Brown eyes, you're beautiful & you're mine.

~C☆J~

See that girls face with a rose in her hair?
Trying not to shade a tear.
She's hurt from inside & out.
Over a boy with so many doubts.
Insecure love is all they could find.
With a touch of a finger, their minds are blind.