This year she lost everything.
No, not materialistic things
What made her who she was.
Her laughter use to be infectious
Her love was wound tightly
Her caring for others was strong.
Yet, that's all gone.
She now is filled with rage and anger.
She is consumed by this dark cloud.
She doesn't laugh like she used to.
Her love is distant cause she doesn't want to cause harm.
She cared to much sometimes, that's what ruined her.

She lost many things this year.

Losing a bestfriend of 15 years.
A companion that loved her through everything.

Figuring out who people truly are and what you mean to them.
Everyone eventually forgets and gets caught up in there own lives.

Yet, she lost the light at the end of the tunnel.
Her light vanished as she is wondering aimlessly through the tunnel to find her hope.

She's been searching for herself for years, Every year her hope dwindles.

One day she hopes to find herself again.
She misses the way she always made others laugh.
She misses loving people because they deserve it.
She misses helping others through there dark times, because she knows they weren't alone in there darkest hours.
Like she was in hers.

There is hope.

This monster that lives inside of many.
Takes people daily.
It's unfair that this monster lives in all of us.
Yet some can control it.
Others get consumed and killed by it.

We need to open up more about this monster.
Why is selfish If the monster consumes another victim.
This monster is hard to live with daily.

He screams and he won't give up.
He makes you fight with yourself.
He makes you hurt others.
He is unseen by many,
Cause nobody can talk about it.
So he remains hidden behind walls so high.

Then...
He consumed another restless soul.
This monster lives in all of us...
He just hasn't reached you yet.
Beware he is coming for everyone.

I'm not an obvious kind of pretty
I don't have natural blonde hair
Or bright blue eyes
No perky little *****
No gap between my thighs
I don't look like anyone else
I bleach my own hair
Use drug store eyeshadow
Wear dresses from the clearance rack
That show the red bumps after shaving my legs

I have lumps and bumps
Cellulite and pudge
Blackheads and bacne
A recipe for nothing special at all
Just someone average
Who has a bright twinkle
In her **** brown eyes
And curvy hips
That sway in the sun

You have to look close
To see all my beauty
I'm not a model
Or a ******* bunny
Just someone on the sidelines
Watching the models and bunnies
While they get the attention
And I get brushed by
It's not obvious that I'm beautiful
Until you look into my eyes
Until you see my semi-white smile
Then you notice the little moles
The silver scars
The way my body curves
In a voluptuous way
And you see
Just how perfect I am

As tears roll down my face
Not knowing what's wrong
Yet I know what's wrong.
Constant war inside my head
People may never know what my thoughts are
Constant thoughts about suicide.
Sometimes there are days where I get close to actually doing it.
Constantly trying to make others happy.
Yet I've never been able to make myself happy.
Constant battle of trying to survive these days.
Yet some days i want to end it all.
Constantly overthinking every little detail.
This is what is killing me slowly.
Constantly being angry or depressed.
There's no inbetween..
Constantly trying to find this happiness.
I don't think it's inside of me.
I think I'm  meant to die young.

I'm trying everything and anything to get better.
Yes people have it worse I get that.
I'm just sick of faking everything.
I'm simply sick of struggling since freshmen year of highschool.
It's 2018 now.
10 Years and it gets worse and worse each year.

Each memory that should be made and embedded in my head fades.
I barely remember anything anymore.
I'm so numb to everything.

Im Not human anymore I'm a cold tin robot.

Looks like this is the end.

Goodbye to our late night phone calls, because I will never hear your voice again
Goodbye to the long walks in the park, because I will never feel the warmth of your hands
Goodbye to the way you always held me close during a storm, because I will never be in the same room as you
Goodbye to the morning coffee, midday mojito and midnight snacks because there is no one waiting for me at home
Goodbye to all the valentines, teddy bears and gummy flowers, because there will never be someone as thoughtful as you
Goodbye to our silly nicknames, half anniversaries and crazy road trips, because my memory has been severely affected now
Goodbye to all the hugs, kisses, tickling and corny jokes, because it hurts too much to remember
Goodbye to our future plans, and dreams, because everything stopped on August the 19th
Goodbye to all the love, lust and passion, because I will never feel again
Goodbye to the years of laughter, tears, and mayhem because that’s all in the past now

Goodbye to us…

Fading away from things I loved once
It's a blur
My heart still beats
Yet I feel dead.
Is this how life is suppose to be?
I don't know why I'm here.
What's my purpose?
I'm lost, confused, scared.
Someone just guide me
I can't guide myself anymore.
I will die fast if I keep going alone.
Send help.