This latent calculus of isolation
I rue the very hour of human -
participation , choosing to smear my body
with the very mud of creation
Forever more* ..

funny, isn't it? how facebook displays how long it's been since a person was last active. they remind me that i was a mere three hundred seconds from catching you online, but that's okay; no, really!, it is;

because my fingers are hovering over my keyboard and the blinker's just blinking in its white little space, this Type a message... glaring at me accusingly. wait, give me a second. what do i tell you? what should i say?

hi is safe. so is hello. hey seems a little too casual, doesn't it? should i put an emoji? a heart? no, no. a smiley face. but just the normal smiley face, not the one with closed eyes and everything. or maybe i should use that instead?

but /then what/?

i guess i could ask you how your day went. that sounds well enough. i can ask you about the weather. no, ******, it's always hot. nothing interesting there. i'll just branch out after you tell me what you've done today, where you've gone. oh, you went to the movies? that's great. last movie i watched was Captain America: Civil War. are you team cap or team iron man? peachy. just peachy. perfect. i've got this. i am s--

*******, you're online. why are you online? the green circle is just staring at me and oh my god, you're typing, you're typing in to our chat box. oh my god. i liked it better when you were inactive. when you were offline. now i just wait, maybe pretend i wasn't this loser waiting for you to talk to me, this loser who had you on my mind, this loser overthinking what i should say to y--

You (12:39 PM)
Hey. I was just thinking about you. :)

He’s been here since I was a kid
All dark hair and unreadable eyes
Together we played at magic in the woods
Sometimes the rag-tag heroes, sometimes the fairy tale prince and princess

I don’t know when things changed,
When the stories became more dark, more real
When I started isolating my true self from everyone but him

The only one who never seemed to ask me for anything.

He never asked, per se
He was always just there, patiently waiting for me to fall
So fall I did

His mouth is raindrops against my lips
I adjust, folding into his heat
Hands sliding across my waist and chest
For once, I let myself melt

His lips press together, so tight and cruel
I know he knows every secret I own, know he’s breathing in my doubt
Yet I can’t fear him

My lips quiver
A gentle brush of air and he moves aside the hair by my ear
‘Close your eyes’
He whispers, the voice of a waterfall

He’s stronger than me, taller
In a downpour, he rushes into and around me
‘Close your eyes’ he whispers
So I do

AND HE MAKES ME SEE STARS

The heat builds to the thud of my heartbeat
I push up into him until
With the mist, he’s gone

Sighing, I stand and shut the shower off
I swipe at the steam forming on the glass

In its reflection, I see the boy from inside my mind

I am still just a shadow.
I am still just star dust.
I am still part of a Universe I never quite knew
but I'm homesick for.
I bleed only to pull the stars out by their edges.
I close my eyes only to let the shine rest.
I look up only to remind myself where I came from.
And when you find my skin
between sheets and raw feelings scattered about
you'll flinch from the coldness.
And you won't know
what I hold inside
and that will be your curse.