In the darkness of the night, I ponder
Remembering the insults and faults
But what strikes me as an oddity
Is the numbness taking over

In these times it’s a wonder
That they see me as cheerful
Never knowing how I really am
Dark, evil and cruel is my alternate

In the terrors of my abyss
I sat waiting patiently
For the time to get up and smile
And lie to the world once again.

I close my eyes lost in thought
Trying so hard to breathe
Hoping that the fight in my head
Would slowly fade

I feel the churning in my stomach
The fire that evokes in my skin
Increase my heart beat
All because of my mind

Then I stand up and smile
A smile so made that no one notices
That the girl laughing and talking
Is a stranger and a great actress.

I used to be able to smile
I used to be able to keep secrets
All for everyone’s sake
They don’t need to worry

I shrug them off when they worry
I give them a bright smile when they talk
I show them the positive side
Even if I’m dying to die

When they’re all gone, I’m different
The smile fades, the brightness gone
What once was a bubbly, cheerful girl
Is now a soulless robot crying itself to sleep.

Where am I?
Who are you?
This place is familiar
Yet unfamiliar at the same time

My body acts differently
The words I say are not mine
Who is controlling me?
This is not who I am

The walls are closing in
And I can’t breathe
I am not in control
I am no longer me.