I know
I'll never be
Everyones
Cup of tea
I am me
Some things
I can't change
Yeah
I know
I'm strange
Off the beaten path
Never been a follower
Except of my heart
But can we be
Friends?
Just friends?
It's nice to have
Someone to share
Someone who cares
I don't mind
If you're
A thousand miles away
I just want to
Take the time
To brighten your day
An electronic smile
A thought or two
Just to know someone
Thought of you
When you're down
Someone who
Listens to your tears
And when you win
Someone who cheers
In the end
I only want one love
But there's no limits on
Friends
And sometimes
Even I
Need someone
To say
Are you okay?

My god
I’m amazed to this day
That you let me pick you up
Let alone touch you
Oh, it took some coaching
I had to pet you for a while for you to relax
I had to prove that I was good
To you
Everyone else was terrified of you
Told by their parents to stay away
That you would scratch and bite them
But you never did
At least not me
We were true friends
I loved you
You and I knew what it was
To be outcasts
To be unloved
Even at that early age
I knew I was a stray
Just like you
Discarded
Playing in back alleys
And empty lots
You were old
Bones sticking out
But you wanted love too
Just like me
Maybe you were once an indoor cat
Fed twice a day
Maybe your owner died
Or moved away
No one knew
You were just there
Yeah
So was I
I remember you
Purring on my lap
As I pet you
Something to love
For a boy who could love
No one
Not even himself
No
That’s not true
I loved you
We called you Kiddo Kat

Like the Man on the Moon.
See me rise.
See me fall.
See me shine bright.
Or not at all.

Like the Man on the Moon.
So far away,
An' all alone.
A lonely place,
I call my home.

Like the Man on the Moon.
Through dark emptiness,
I seem to drift.
The light of another,
My only gift.

Like the Man on the Moon.
That's who I am.
The Man on the Moon.

Her love is like the Moon.
Shinning brightly down on the surface of my soul.

Glowing beautifully in the sky of my heart.

Moving smoothly across the heavens of my thoughts.

She circles me with hope.

Shades me with light,
In my darkest hour.

She moves the tides of my love,
With her presence.

She follows me.
She guides me.
On a path that is true.

Your "OK"
Pierces
My heart
Drops of blood
Leave a trail
Back into
The shadows

"I understand"
"I'm sorry"
Those sentiments
Would be
OK
"OK"
Is not
You hurt me
That's OK
That's life
That's the risk
I'm willing to take
But "OK"
Isn't
Just "OK" hurts
You know that
"OK"
Is cold
Indifferent
Clinical
"Ok"
Is not
Okay

When your heart is shut
It gathers no love
When you no longer trust
You can no longer hope
When you fear love’s pain
You cannot risk to love

A man can only knock
On your heart’s portal
For so long
Without encouragement
Without hope
His heart wanders

A heart that seeks a companion
Compassion
Needs conviction
If you believe I am untrustworthy
Then why do I stay?
Why do I suffer your
Indifference?

I want more
More than it seems
You are ready to give
Willing to give
Able to give

I tried
To break through
Break down
Your walls
What more could I do?
Wait forever?
How can you be worth it
If you don’t think I am?

The thing is
I’ve been where you are
I know the feeling well
I know how much it hurts
To believe something is real
To hope for something real
If you wanted me
You would risk for me

I guess I’m not worth the risk

The highest highs
The lowest lows
At least you know
Where you stand

The sweet bliss of love
The devastating loss of you
Easier to handle
Than the in between

That place with no direction
Up, down, right or left
A cyclone of unknowns
And rampant speculations

The whiplash of emotions
Yes is so very good
No is so very bad
I don’t know crushes the soul

What words to convey?
What do I need to say?
Should I go or stay?
In the in between

Are you my life raft?
Or my boat anchor?
Do I cling to this?
Or swim away?

Heart beating hard
Thoughts running fast
I don’t know how to feel
In the in between

Your words say stay
It’s the words you don’t say
Have me running circles
In the middle of this

What do we have?
Why don’t I know?
Or are you too?
In the in between

What words to convey?
What do we need to say?
Should we go or stay?
In the in between

Here I stand
Hammer in hand
To break down the walls
That stand between us

It can’t just be me
Who needs to be set free
If You and I are to become We
There must be nothing in between us

I used to wear it
Like a badge of honor
It was my shield
A physical reminder
Of my commitment
And I was proud to wear it
It was a circle of protection
A magical artifact
To ward off evil intentions
Then came the day
The commitment was over
Nullified by her words
By her actions
By her request
I took it off
All that is left now
Is a slowly fading scar
Where a wedding ring
Used to be

Words like ****
Thrown against the wall
See what sticks
More like
See what stinks
As the defacation slides
Leaving streaks
Crap on the floor

Tired of useless words
Without any emotions
Without any feelings
Without any meanings

Tired of people
Using big words
To show off
How smart they are

Creating whole paragraphs
Of useless garbage
Crap

Tired of reading People's
Wordsmith exercises

I came here to see the performance!
Not the ******* rehearsal!
I want your poetry to hit my thought process like a wrecking ball!
****

Okay. Rant over.

1990

Don't hope
Don't dream
Don't love
The pain strikes suddenly
Like lightening from above

Don't feel
Like this
Don't believe
In bliss
Don't breath
Hold your breath
Don't need
Live in death
Don't chance
The loss
Don't pay
The cost
Don't love
No loss

Don't unchain
Your heart
There's nothin' scarier
Than bein' naked to the pain
Don't let her in
Lock your prison door
'Cause you're a prisoner
Don't let her in

Don't touch the flame
Don't get any hotter
Don't let your heart
Feel like a fish out of water

Some people
They come into our lives
Just as we
Need them the most
Someone to lift us up
Carry our hearts
They whisper
Sweet nothings
Yeah
But either
They think they meant it
Or we believed their lies
And both
Who knows?
But still
For those
Moments in time
We are
Transformed
Given wings
To soar above
The graveyard of lost loves

We give them the power
To make us happy
Sad
We need to be happy
Without them
Be that
As it may
We pour our hearts
Dreams
Hopes
Love
Into them
Some of them
Mean it
Some of them
Are too broken
To know they cannot
Love
And some are
Just leading us on
To the graveyard of lost loves

Every tombstone
Every pillar
Every mausoleum
A monument
A marker
A testament
To a broken heart
Broken trust
Broken bonds
Lost dreams
Lost hopes
Lost passions
This place where
If you listen
You can hear the wails
Of those who have died here
Carried by the wind
Of indifference
The ground is littered with their tears
Here, in the
Graveyard of lost loves

8/26/1991

Oh baby,
Look what I've got,
Cold steel blue eyes.
They're burnin' hot,
Cold steel blue eyes.
Like fire an' ice.
But it's not too nice,
To have,
Cold steel blue eyes.

Baby,
Help me,
Take the knife,
Out of the stare,
Of these,
Cold steel blue eyes.
Baby,
Please,
Give my life,
Something,
For which to care.
In these,
Cold steel blue eyes.

Baby,
Can you,
Stop these,
Cold steel blue eyes,
From seeing only,
Gray?
Oh baby,
Please,
Take these,
Cold steel blue eyes,
Away.

Baby,
Can you,
Make these,
Cold steel blue eyes,
See without harm?
Oh baby,
Can you,
Give these,
Cold steel blue eyes,
The calm,
In the eye,
Of the storm?

Baby,
Can you,
Make these,
Cold steel blue eyes,
Warm again?
Oh baby,
Please,
Take the pain,
Out of these,
Cold steel blue eyes.

Baby,
Help me,
See the light,
Through these,
Cold steel blue eyes.
Baby,
Can you,
Please,
Make these,
Cold steel blue eyes,
Bright?

Oh baby,
Look what I've got.
Cold steel blue eyes.
They're burnin' hot,
Cold steel blue eyes.
Like fire an' ice.

But it's not too nice,
To have,
Cold steel blue eyes,
No surprise,
To me.
I have,
Cold steel blue eyes,
You see.

Where would we be
Without our art?
Dying silently

My heart was
Addicted to you
You were my
Drug of choice
But my head told me
You were
An illusion
Not a real thing
I absently minded
Rub the scars
You left
On my heart
Feeling again
How much they hurt
Remembering
How they got there
How you carved your words
Through
The bark of my heart
Into the living part of me
I have to believe
You were
A phantom lover
To believe you were
Real
Would hurt
So much more
My heart is addicted to you
I have to quit you
Wondering if
I ever will
Need a 12 step program
For lost loves
Admitting I have
No control over
Loving you
Knowing
I can never have you again
It was too good
Not to hurt

Vultures of love
You soar high above
Looking for hearts
Lost
Wandering the desert
Where the only precipitation
Is a trail of tears
Left behind
You swoop in
Smelling the desperation
You give them hope
A mirage of love
Something in the distance
They can almost touch
They think they smell water
But it is only
The sweet carrion stench
That comes from your mouth
You feed them words
That mean nothing
Your promises
Are the early morning mist
That is burned away
By the light of a searing sun
The hope you give
Is a rock you chain them to
You are less than human
Less than vultures
Vultures only feed on things
Already dead
You resurrect your prey
To **** it again
You are like vampires
Who **** the life out
And create undead
Zombies of love
Your hearts are a black
As your desires
I feel sad
You are ******
Never to feel
True love

I want to be the first on your list
A day never missed
Morning noon and night
LED blinking light
Puts a smile upon my face
My heart starts begins to race
A simple text from you to me
Is all I need to see

I’m a mostly sunny guy
With some cloudy sky
Without the slightest hesitation
There’s a chance of precipitation
Walking between the raindrops

In the deepest part of the ocean
I bury my emotion
At the surface of my sea
Is the calmest flattest part of me
Walking between the raindrops

It’s a delicate dance to make
All my heart I have to break
And maybe it’s a mistake
All the tears I forsake
Walking between the raindrops

I know you like me
But I thought you should know
I'm not a man
Just a shadow
Shadow of a man

Before you I stand
***** like a man
Leather and spikes
A hard *** who rides bikes
But I'm just a
Shadow of man

I might look whole and real
But behind eyes of blue steel
I'm just ethereal
A ghost who can't feel
Forever ******
To be a shadow of a man

We can talk about things
Work and music and who sings
That song
You know the one
But I'm not
The one you seek
Just to **** weak
I cannot show you how I feel
Because I'm not really real
I'm doing all I can
But I'm just a shadow of a man

Maybe someday I’ll be real
Let myself feel
Love
And the things I deny
Like me
And a You
I’m an apparition it seems
In both our dreams
I’m a homeless man
Who cannot beg for change
I’m really quite deranged
Just a shadow of a man

She created a flame
Burning in my heart like a bonfire
All consuming love
Lit up the sky
A beacon for all to see
Our words were the fuel
That stoked our passion
The heat burned with intensity
Electric digital love
Then one spark went astray
In an instant the flame raged
In three days it burnt paradise to the ground
Nothing I could do to stop it
Would not let myself become ashes too
Retaining my dignity
I rose above the burning wreckage
Of our love
Reborn like a phoenix
Heart broken but stronger
Because with her it grew two fold
And I’m NOT giving that up
Not giving up hope
To find a flame that burns true

Tell me lies.
Such little white lies.
To you,
I may be,
Just another,
One-of-the-boys.
But you should know.
I'm old enough,
To get wise.

Tellin' me lies.
Tellin' me little white lies.
Tell me,
What I see,
In your eyes.

The heart I thought,
Was on fire.
Must've been,
Your own burning desire.

Tellin' me lies.
When you're tellin' me,
Little white lies.
I can hear it,
In your voice,
When you give those,
False alibi's.

I wish I never knew,
You.
And the things,
That you do.

Tellin' me lies.
Tellin' me ***** white lies.
And now,
By your own choice.
You must wear,
Your own disguise.

I wonder how it seems,
For you,
To live,
In your world of,
Never ending Halloweens.

Tellin' me lies.
You're tellin' me lies.
I wonder how you feel.
When all around you,
Love dies.

Hungry eyes,
An' looks that ****.
How hard you try,
To get your fill.

Tellin' me lies.
Tellin' me more,
Little white lies.
But it's never,
The way you planned it.
Sometimes,
There are no good,
Good Byes.

Love that is honest an' real,
Is found by so very few.
But how easy it is,
For you to steal,
Love from a fool.

Tellin' me so many lies.
Ain't nothin' new.
Ain't no big surprise.
Only one thing to do.
Say good-bye.
No more lies.

Mr. Sly.
Always catchin',
The ladies eye.
Always hatchin',
Another chick.
You don't even have to try.
You're to slick,
Mr. Sly.

Mr. Sly.
You're so sweet.
But not too shy,
To the women you meet.
You're so nice,
An' too cool.
Sometimes cold like ice.
'Cause you ain't nobody's fool.
Mr. Sly.

Mr. Sly.
You howdy an' Mam 'em.
Take them so high.
Just to slam-bam them.
An' then say good-bye.
You don't walk,
You fly.
Listen to you talk,
Mr. Sly.

Didn’t want to talk about it
Smiling through the tears
Didn’t want to think about it
Smiling through the tears
Didn’t want it to show
Didn’t want anyone to know
It’s been going on for years
I’ve just been smiling through the tears

It took a while to catch on
How you thought it was strange
How you treated me wrong
When I asked you to change

My wants didn’t matter
Neither did my desires
My heart it was shattered
As you snuffed out my fires

So I plastered a smile on my face
Tried so hard to keep it all in place
Hid the truth from the human race
Covered it up with laughter and grace

Didn’t want to talk about it
Smiling through the tears
Didn’t want to think about it
Smiling through the tears
Didn’t want it to show
Didn’t want anyone to know
It’s been going on for years
I’ve just been smiling through the tears

I tried so hard to make it work
Gave in too much to get along
All you did was make me hurt
Making me the one who's wrong

Then there came the day
Thought once again you’d get your way
And in that moment it all fell away
And you learned I wasn’t going to stay

Let me talk about it
Smiling through the tears
I thought a lot about it
Smiling through the tears
Now I can’t wait for it to show
Want everyone to know
I’ve been waiting for this for years
And now I’m smiling through the tears

unfinished

If you understand me
You’ll understand
I want more
You can’t just walk in
And out of the door
To my heart
I’m not something
Some temporary fling
For you to tear apart
I’m not something to
Discard
Like the peel
Of an orange
While my heart is consumed
And then spat out by you

My heart is not
A revolving door
For you to come into
And out of
No more
Shoplifting
My emotions

You're stealing my mind
Stealing my time
Stealing my dignity
I won't let you steal my heart anymore
Here's your eviction notice

Good bye

Unfinished


The soil of my childhood
hard and rocky
Clay and dry
A desert without rain

It took many years
of internal tears
To water the earth
Around my heart again

Years of my adulthood
Lost
Unreclaimed
No memories of young love

I have wisdom
of a heart
That bore too much
Felt too much
Hurt too much

I can tell you
What not to do
Or at least
What to avoid

I was a flower
That bloomed
Too late
To be picked
For the parade
Of life

At least I made it
Into a bouquet
For an Autumn
Love

You were a book without a cover
Hard to read
Closed
Your heart was shut
Like mine used to be
I think I know you better
Better than you know yourself
You had a sense of humor
Smart
Witty
Intelligent
Wise
You had a plan
Knew where you were
Going
I liked that
I stood there
Gently knocking
On the portal to your heart
Hanging onto
Smiley face emoticons
And you calling me back
After you had to get off the phone
But
I always texted first
I had to carry the conversation
I don’t think you realize
How hard it was
To stay out in the cold
Waiting for you to
Warm up
To me
To defrost your heart
To see that I was a man
Who stood there
In your bitter cold
But
In the end
It was the end
You and I
Are two
Separate people
I wish
You luck
I hope someday
You believe
In love
I know
I do

I remember
The days
Both of you
Were born
How proud I was
How much hope I had
How I knew I would be
A great father to you two
Throughout the years
The struggles
The battles
We had good times
Reading books to you
Going to the park
Giving your memories
Of a father
That I never had
That was my greatest gift to you
To show you how a man should be
Camping
Hiking
Swimming
Biking
Vacations at the beach
Memories no longer out of reach
For me
You gave me more
The childhood I lost
You let me prove
I wasn’t broken
You gave me
The opportunity
To the be the father
I dreamed of having
Oh, to be sure
I stumbled
Fell down
Disappointed you too
I was hard
And tough
And sometimes
A *******
I had to
Prepare you for the world
But hopefully you’ll remember
How I was a gentleman
Respectful
Courteous
Kind
Thoughtful and brave
How much I involved myself
In your lives
Even when you hated me
Being there
I know
But if I hadn’t
You would have missed me
And now
The time grows close
Where I must leave
We’ll still have time
Time together
But you’re growing older
Getting ready to move on
Into the world
I hope the lessons
I’ve been repeating
Over and over again
Will one day sink in
Like I know they will
And you’ll remember
Your dear old dad
Was not as wrong
As you said he was
That you will grow into
Men
Men who know
How to treat
A lady
How to respect
Themselves
Nice clothes
And a clean shave
Mean nothing
Without manners
Work hard
Play nice
Have fun
Laugh a lot
Make good friends
And be one too
Wait until you find
The one who amazes you
And raise your children
Better than I did
I love you more
More than you’ll ever know
At least until you have kids
Then you’ll understand
I miss you already
Your father
March 21st 2016

Towards the kitchen
Like a zombie seeking brains
I moan "COFFEE. COFFEEEE!!!"

Where’d you go?
Were you ever really there?
I saw you infrequently
Because you worked nights
And ****** strange women during the day
I knew at 6 years old
I was almost nothing to you
An excuse to visit that girl
At the ice cream parlor
Mom left
Because you couldn’t even be
A father
Much less a husband
How much I mourned
The loss of you
How many times
Did I cry myself to sleep?
No more tears left to give
Not just you
Mom too
Because you two were both
****** up
You didn’t know any better
At least I did
At least I waited
Waited until I was ready
Ready to be a father
To commit myself
To raising children
The park
The sports
The things we do
To give them good memories
Of us
And when you died
I could not cry
I could not shed a tear
For the loss of you
Once again
I had lost you too many times before
No more tears left to give
Maybe someday I’ll cry
For you
Right now my eyes are dry
For you
I have no more tears left to give

Don't look into,
Homeless eyes.
Because,
You know their lives,
Are one big mess.

Don't look into,
Homeless eyes.
Don't look into,
Madness,
Despair,
And anxiety.
Don't look into,
Homeless eyes.
You'll only see,
The pain,
And agony,
They face,
Everyday.
Stay away,
From,
Homeless eyes.

Pushing their,
Shopping cart lives,
To the sidewalk's edge.
Hear them mumble.
Hear them mutter.
Endless paths of concrete.
Where they step off the ledge,
An' tumble into the gutter.

Haunted city streets,
Where the not yet dead,
Meet.

Comin' out at night.
Like zombies from the grave.
Haunted Eyes,
With no sight.
Haunted lives,
Enslaved.

Eyes that shed no life,
Look into black holes of death.
No mercy in their strife,
None 'till their last breath.

Haunted lives,
Living on the run.
Living on the street.
Haunted by the sun.
Haunted by the heat.
Living lies.
Haunted Eyes.
Bottle fed,
Needle led.
Living dead,
Have Haunted eyes.

A poet walks into the coffee shop.
He buys a cup, and has a seat.
A head walks into the coffee shop.
With eyes so gray, like wet concrete.
A chick walks into the coffee shop.
Her clothes so bizarre, an' tight they fit.
A dude walks into the coffee shop.
All tattooed, an' a ring through his ***.
A girl walks into the coffee shop.
Her head shaved, to the skin.
A homeless one walks into the coffee shop.
He looks so bad, wonder where he's been.
A straight walks into the coffee shop.
Wide eyed, and lookin' around a lot.
All wacko's an' ******'s, at this coffee shop.
My kind of people, more likely than not.
A rent-a-cop walks into the coffee shop.
Ready to evict, those who've finished their last sip.
At the coffee shop.
I drink my cup-o-joe, an' leave a tip.
At the coffee shop.

I ride a crazy train of thought.
Tryin' to get lost,
An' never to get caught.
I jump from track,
To track,
An' back,
An' forth.
Never for certain,
Of my course.
I arrive,
At the end-of-the-line station.
Just to find,
That it was my destination.

I ride a crazy train of thought.
An' the engine's runnin' hot.
A loco-emotion of thinking.
My wheels goin',
'Round an' 'round,
Clackity-clinking.
Off into the horizon,
Go these endless rails.
Sometimes leading to,
Dead end trails...

Angels possess me.
Demons ****** me.
An' what's even worse,
Is it just might be,
Visa verse.

The past haunts me.
The future daunts me.
I guess, in the present tense,
I'm just too hesitant.

The T.V. News don't really tell me much,
In half a breath.
But it still scares me nearly half to death.
It just might be an' overreaction,
Of my big imagination.
I guess I read too much between the lines,
Just puttin' too many thoughts,
In other people's minds.

I see visions of Glory tell.
An' I see visions of gory Hell.
I see black.
I see white.
But what scares me most,
Is what I see at night.
I dream of wonderful things.
But some of my nightmares,
Would make you scream.
I listen to the silence,
An' try not to hear the violence,
Goin' on all around me.
The dead aren't always buried underground,
You see.

Door slams shut.
Heels clicking,
Echoing down the driveway.

Gears grind.
Tires squeal,
Rubber burns.

Mother is gone.
Father is alone.
And so am I.

Train rolls on by.
Whistle blows.
Hear a child,
That doesn't cry.
Anymore.

Pain burns so deep.
Can't find it.
No more.

Silently weep.
Tears must keep.
On the inside.

Now Mother's here.
And Father's there.
A child they share,
Apart.
Tear apart.

Tug of war,
On the heart.
Family feud.
Feed the child the ammunition.

Mother's always so fair.
But Father doesn't care.
A child lost,
A child tossed.
Upon the waves,
To the islands shore.
Island of isolation.

There is a child's fist,
Inside of me.
Clutching tight to what my dad said,
When I was three.

I remember that night,
My mom walked out the door.
To leave my dad for good,
And forevermore.

I was very sad,
That she was gone.
My dad turned to me,
And said "Son,
You're a big boy now,
And big boys don't cry.
So wipe that tear,
From your eye."

I carried that message,
Throughout my life.
Through all the pain.
Through all the strife.

Tears did not fall,
So easily.
Stuffing all the hurt,
Deep inside of me.

A child's fist,
Grips fiercely tight.
To a wrong,
That I must right.

Received the papers today
Served cold
Without emotion
All white and black
And still the unknown
Almost signed like a package delivery
Almost

Reviewed
Everything clinical
Legal words
Legal meanings
Legalities

Dead words
Dead feelings
Dead inside
Dead love
Just a physical reminder
The loss of a dream I once had

Now mixed emotions
Muted
Subdued
Relief
Sadness
Anger
Joy
Sorrow
Grief

She­d a tear in the shower
Just one
Sad that it’s come to this
A relationship worth just one tear
A solitary tear for a solitary love
She once said she loved me
If that was love
I don’t want her love anymore

We talk
About It
How to proceed
Without anger
Without hurting
Without fighting
I’m done fighting
I fought for too many years
Fought for respect
Fought for my rights
Fought for her to understand
She couldn’t
I wouldn’t
We don’t

So here it is
In writing
Stamped
Signed
Delivered

The start of
It’s over

At least we can
Begin moving on
Start to separate
Untangle the broken bonds
Broken dreams
Broken hearts

The loss of a dream I once had

It’s one of those days
Where the mask is slipping
The only smile I can muster
Is so weak and pitiful
I don’t even try
The pain is just under the surface
On the verge of tears
All day long
It was just a single memory
Tugging on the vestments of our marriage
Unraveling what has already been torn apart
Into a tangled knotted mess
One thought that cascades
Into every other memory
Seeking the truth
In all of this
Where did it go wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
What was the starting point
For the ending?
I come to realize
It’s not the warning signs
I neglected to heed
It was the warning sirens
I didn’t want to hear
The excuses made
Realities altered
All the little straws
Thrown upon my back
Now feel like logs
I know there was a time
When I loved her
I know because it hurts
Hurts that I tried
And nothing really mattered
Not me
Not us
Just her
Now the pain
Is just a dull nagging ache
No longer sharp
I try not to let her cut me anymore
But she still does
And she doesn’t even know it
Worn out
Worn down
Worn away
Not much is left
Good memories?
Tainted by
Unanswered questions
I guess it doesn’t really matter
Did she ever really love me
We don’t share
We don’t care
We don’t dare
Today is hard
Hard to remember
When it was good
Hard to fake a smile
I don’t feel
On the verge of tears
That I don't feel
That I won't let be real
That I won't let her see
How much she hurt me
Walking around
Ready to cry
On the verge of tears

Tears bleed through eyes clenched shut.
Face frozen in quiet anguish but
Shower washing away tears, not the shame.
The one you loved is the one to blame.

Memories flooding back to haunt again.
Tears don't stop falling down the drain.
Heart broken, one more time.
Still here, at the scene of the crime.

Hurt for years, feel the pain today.
All at once, a debt I have to pay.
No where to hide from internal agony.
No where to go but inside of me.

Face the day as best I can.
Plastic smile hides nothing.
My eyes tell the truth, if you dare to see.
The pain buried deep inside of me.

Pain striking my heart,
Like a tolling bell.
When will it find love?
Who can tell.

I walk the streets,
Of loneliness.
How sore my feet.
And I'm lost in this mess.

I live my life,
In a zombie trance.
Never to laugh,
Never to dance.

My wings,
Too broken to fly.
And my eyes.
Too dry to  cry.

My heart,
Too hardened to feel.
My life,
Too empty to be real.

I wander the streets of loneliness.
Looking for comfort.
Looking for rest.
Looking for love.
I am homeless,
Inside.
And there are black skies above.

Cupid's bow twangs,
Broken arrows,
On my heart.
Lovely little sparrows,
Ripped apart.

I am dying.
But have no fear.
I am crying.
But shed not a tear.
I am trying.
But it's not too clear.
I am lying.
When I look in the mirror.

Death rides my soul.
Look into my eyes,
See an empty whole.
See the pain,
The fear,
The anger,
The hate.
See the strain,
From having to wait.

I deny love.
Keep it locked inside.
I defy love.
Feelings to hide.

Buried deep,
Within my being,
Notice the turmoil,
The blind are seeing.
Listen to the screams,
The deaf are hearing.
Feel the heat,
And the cold is searing.

Deep within me,
A fire burns,
Hot an' bright.
But I'm so cold,
In the midst of the night.
I breath.
So I must be alive.
But baby,
I need a breath of life.
Heal my wounds.
Pull out the knife.

I deny love.
Keep it locked inside.
I defy love.
Feelings to hide.

I hear the thunder
The storm brews
In your heart
I see the lightening
Cross your thoughts
The wind whipped words
Held in your mouth
Standing in the eye
Your hurricane surrounds me
Gusts strike me
From every direction
I am exposed
Naked to your tempest
Arms outstretched
Crucified for your love
Waiting to be resurrected
Because I love you too much
To let it die
I know you protect me
From yourself
I wish to protect you
The same
To enfold my arms around you
Shelter you from your fury
To make you whole
In your world
I love you more
Because you need more love
Waiting for the storm to pass

Shuffled like bureaucratic paperwork
From desk to desk
Status "UKNOWN"

Second hand clothes
Second hand love
Second hand child

Words like knives
Razor sharp
Cut to the bone

Dreams of mother
And father
Lost

Cry to sleep
Every night
Years on end

Washing own clothes
Age of 6
Ran away

Signs of affection
Bruises and welts
Didn't want the scars to go away

No voice raised
To defend
Only child

Every year
New school
New kid, no friends

Every year
Sent away
Status "UKNOWN"

Pain endured
Pain hidden
Pain denied

Broken trusts
Broken heart
Broken child

No T-ball
No boy scouts
No father

Lost chances
Lost dreams
Lost hope

Labeled
"The bad child"
Angry child


No one to tell
No one to trust
No one to love

Now a young man
Who could not feel
Loved

Women knocked
On locked door
That I would not open

Who could love
Such a worthless person
So ugly, stupid and weak

Pain of loneliness
Was a darkness
That brought hatred of the light

Cigarettes, ***** and drugs
Helped to hide the pain
But not the suffering

Emotions turned off
Like the flick of a switch
Feeling nothing anymore

Ran hard and fast
On the razor's edge
Of life

Angry at the world
Justice is just a word
To lie about the truth

Fought the demons
Like boxing fog
Never landing a blow

Took many years
To break the chains
To find the light

Sometimes the pain
Burns deep
Tempered steel

Gave up the blame
And the hate
Too heavy to carry

I see the destination now
Though the path is hidden
Status, no longer unknown

They said
"You'll like it there"
"You'll make new friends"
"It's better this way"
Or they said nothing at all
Put me on a plane
Or drove me over
And all I knew
I was living somewhere else
With someone else
New school
No friends
Again
And I
Never really knew why
That kept repeating
People left
Said it was for the best
That I would be happier
But I never was
A child's trust
Crushed beneath heels of selfishness
They never knew
Never cared?
What was best
For me
Just a burden
To pass along
And I
I never really knew why

We walked along the shore
She and I
Talking and laughing
Saying words that meant something
Something more
We shared emotions
Feelings
Thoughts that carried us further along
It was a beautiful day
Sun was shining
Gentle breeze
The smell of the ocean
Bare feet leaving a trail
Finding beautiful shells along the way
Everything was wonderful
Amazingly so
And then I did something
Something stupid
Foolish
I hurt her feelings
Clouds came in
Her sea raged
Storm clouds brewed
I was in the middle of her tempest
Told to be quiet and wait it out
It is not something I do well
Not at all
I walked into her sea and raged at her nature
Expecting respect
Getting none
Only more rage
A tsunami of anger
Raised up before me
I both stood my ground and asked for forgiveness
I have my own nature
But it is too late
The sea took her back
All I have are left are memories
Fading footprints in the sand
And heartache
She was beautiful to behold
She was more than a friend
More that I could ever have dreamed of
Now she is no more
I’ll stand on the shore and remember her
A little while longer
See if the tides bring her back
But it gets chilly here at night
Cold and lonely
And it looks likely that she will never return
Hands in my pockets I dream of what might have been
And cry
Tears littering the sand
She was too much for me to hold
I have to let her free
She is a force of nature that cannot be confined
The sad truth
I love her still
Always
The walk back to the road will take forever
The dunes are high and I am weary
No other way
One foot in front of the other
Good bye my love
I cannot stay any longer
Or the pain of knowing you will carry me out to sea
On the cliff
I take one last look
Moon shining on the waves
Say a prayer for dead loves
Walking down the road
Trying to forget
How much I hurt
Maybe tomorrow
Not likely
But I have hope
Now even more
Because I have felt love stronger
Stronger than ever before
Both ruined and reborn
Good bye my love

If I could only tell you
How much pain I’m in
If I could only share
How I feel
I know I can’t right now
It wouldn’t be fair
To burden you so
Not right now
When you are already
Carrying so much
So right now
I carry enough love
For both of us
Uphill
In the rain
Of my tears
You inspire me
To stand next to you
Even when
Your back is turned to me
You better be worth it
The weight of all this
Crushing my heart
Every vertebra of my love
Feels the weight of you
The weight of us
On my shoulders
All I can see
Is what is at my feet
The next step
In front of me
Plodding on
Without encouragement
What I do for you
You better be worth it
Love me like no other
No other loves you as much
Am I crazy?
Are you crazy?
Are we crazy together?
Yes
Yes
And I don’t know
I know I’m worth love
Are you worth mine?
You better be worth it
All this pain for naught?
Well
I’ll learn how strong I am
I’ll learn something from this
What I want to learn is
How much You love Me
‘Cause I’m tired of these
One way head trips
So here I am
Holding my heart
In my outstretched hands
Blood dripping on my feet
Giving you the space and time
You need
I hope you’re worth me

I don’t want to be the one who let The One get away.
I don’t want to be the one who forced you to stay.
I don’t want to be the one who lives with regret.
I don’t want to be the one you wish you never met.

Sometimes the pain of love is strong
When you’ve done something wrong
The days and nights are long
Filled with sad songs

You made me believe
Shook my tree bare of leaves
Now I’m naked you see
Not easy for me

The truth never dies
Even when hidden from eyes
There’s a truth you should know
My heart will never let you go

I don’t want to be the one who let The One get away.
I don’t want to be the one who forced you to stay.
I don’t want to be the one who lives with regret.
I don’t want to be the one you wish you never met.

When push comes to shove
Always choose love

It’s one of those days
Where the mask is slipping
The only smile I can muster
Is so weak and pitiful
I don’t even try
The pain is just under the surface
On the verge of tears
All day long
It was just a single memory
Tugging on the vestments of our marriage
Unraveling what has already been torn apart
Into a tangled knotted mess
One thought that cascades
Into every other memory
Seeking the truth
In all of this
Where did it go wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
What was the starting point
For the ending?
I come to realize
It’s not the warning signs
I neglected to heed
It was the warning sirens
I didn’t want to hear
The excuses made
Realities altered
All the little straws
Thrown upon my back
Now feel like logs
I know there was a time
When I loved her
I know because it hurts
Hurts that I tried
And nothing really mattered
Not me
Not us
Just her
Now the pain
Is just a dull nagging ache
No longer sharp
I try not to let her cut me anymore
But she still does
And she doesn’t even know it
Worn out
Worn down
Worn away
Not much is left
Good memories?
Tainted by
Unanswered questions
I guess it doesn’t really matter
Did she ever really love me
We don’t share
We don’t care
We don’t dare
Today is hard
Hard to remember
When it was good
Hard to fake a smile
I don’t feel
On the verge of tears