Phone goes off
Like a gun pointed at my head
Dropped keys at my feet
Like teeth or pill bottles

we call these stars.
white strips of clarity bursting through pinpricks
spotlights through feather falling dandruff

thunder buckles the plexiglass sheet with it's shoulder
crackles little eggshell triangles past the dancing dandruff
pale veins spread like ink in fabric
thin burnt parchment
holding back thudding pulses from the Amniotic sun

We call this a sunrise
when the Sun hurls the final flaming shoulder into day.

Not the giggling gums of a baby faced Tele-tubby sun
not the serenade of "goodnight moon, and goodnight you"

My sunrise is A dragon-glass egg,
pulsing to the drumbeat of a feathered heart

A tea-light spider spinning webs into an inferno shoulder
flexing flamesilk muscles through each pinprick star

lamp posts hum a prismatic prayer
Grassy fields catch light with their fireflies
old country porch lights attract moths
dust hung in stasis
starts feather falling when light catches

tubes of Mercury fashioned into bar-signs
flicker as ghosts hum on the gas
poets flick cigarette ashes
call in stardust for the wind to carry
up
to Gatsby it up in the pin ******
there is nothing more beautiful and warm
then stardust Dancing rich in the suns desperate pinpricks

Watching the Debut of struggling birth
throwing itself against confinement
shedding light, on the tiniest flurry of dandruff
before filling each vein of the broken sky with fire.

I love to watch gasoline soaked parchment
curl in on itself like an old handwritten letter.
I call this the night sky.

Catch the falling ashes on my tongue like snowflakes.
If I swallow enough of them
a tiny pheonix fire in my belly can hurl it's little shoulder against my rib cage.
Pounding until it bursts out through all these pinpricks.

I will call out to the mothsdust, dandruff and fireflies
invite them to dance in the combustion.

If I am anything like a starlit night.
I will buckle before I burst

Thunderclap an invitation
Shatter the street lamps and mercury tubes
with the winding bass drop.
direct the audiences attention to dust hung gentle in a cold still sky.
feather falling in silence
A blossoming caged sun.
No one expects a gentle sunrise

If I had a pill for every time I looked at your photograph
I would finally be as numb and blind as you were.
You pulled veins through me
Chipped tunnels through my mountain wrists
Said: I won't give you gravity
you gotta pull that **** yourself
I did, pull blood through my own veins
I couldn't just let them collapse
It takes a lot of effort to scalpel a nervous system through solid ice
you wasted so much time numbing
when I always had frostbite
but snakeskin makes a great sleeping bag
and we left plenty of it around.
shedding epidermal scales can only get you so pink though
I confused the tiger stripes from your daughters first survival
with the lines left over from your last.
they tasted the same color of beautiful when I kissed them.
I still can't decipher the difference between Honeysuckle and venom

you, lips sewn shut
learned from it from your mother
raised a bible thumper
she loved her Jesus
you followed right behind her

one day you found
the man who unwound you
with his seem ripper hands

where did all your thoughts go
where did all your jesus go

stuffing covers the floor
soaks up all the blood
pour some more wine

might as well take communion
while you drown.

Knows how to dress you.
He knows how to undress you,
with a seem ripper.

"you aren't gonna just like... pick one?"

"Y'know... Christmas is gonna be real expensive."

"You're gonna **** someone nick"

"You're bi? sweet me too. wanna hear about the time..."

"What if she says she didn't consent and then goes to the police and shows them all those bruises. you're gonna be ****** Nick."

"Jesus christ nick."

"if you are under this roof you say he, or you say she, THEY doesn't make any ******* sense."

"nick, you don't wanna start smoking."

"nick, quit while you're ahead that ***** addictive."

"you don't wanna adopt her nick, trust me. you'll regret it. you're gonna break up and you'll be stuck paying child support for a kid that isn't even yours."

"Nick, that's a bad idea"

"Nick, don't forget the money you owe me."

"Nick you don't need ******* pills, they're just making you worse."

"Nick, get off the ******* pills, they're making you crazy."

"Just stay home, it's not safe to drive"

"Nick, it's a blizzard. just stay home."

"he does what he wants, there's no sense in convincing him."

"Check your oil when you gas up"

"remember to lock the front door, you're gonna give your grandfather another heart attack."

"Soooo which one is your girlfriend?"

"so like... which one are you gonna have kids with?"

"This the new one?"

"Nick, you're gonna **** one of these girls and regret this ****."

"that's ****** up nick. you shouldn't like making people cry"

"that's ****** up nick, don't cut people"

"that ***** gonna bite you in the *** nick. karmas a *****."

"nick you're gonna **** yourself."

"are you eating?"

"are you sleeping?"

"whens the last time you slept?"

"you need to get some rest Nick"

"Nick wake up"

"Nick wake up"

"Nick wake up"

Before she could speak she pointed.
grabbed my hand and sat me on a stone wall.
tugged her mothers shirt and pointed beside me.
sat between us and smiled, kicking her feet.

I just met her that morning, but she knew.
bright little girl
maybe that's why her mother named her after the sun
Soleil.

fond of "No". that was a big one.
and "elsa" of course.
and every night when you tucked her in she'd list everyone she knew and ask if they were home.
"papa home?"
yes, papa is home
"numnum home?"
yes, numnum is home.
"Dada home"?

I can only imagine she does the same.
an I imagine it... so often.
I wonder what they tell her.

"I love your words."
That's the last thing she told me.
and the first.

I love her words too.
I still hear her, whenever I say them.

"Blue"
"Three"
"Venom"
We played Lego Marvel together, and I told her venom was Daddys favorite, so naturally she always wanted to play him when you asked
"who do you wanna be?"
"Venom. BIG Venom"
There's different kinds of venom in lego marvel, cause he can like,
turn hulk size and do hulk stuff, or turn spiderman size and do spiderman stuff?
I liked him because he was super versatile,
but I'm pretty sure she picked him because he's my favorite.

"Elza"
"let it go"
she could sing the whole song before she could even make full sentences.
and her mom would make her stop because she wasn't good at it.
but I thought her voice was beautiful and always told her
"I love your voice"

I don't know very well the relationship between love and memory
but I heard once that the key was repetition
and if for nothing else, just to hear her in my head forever I say them over and over to myself

"I love your words"
"Let it go, Let it go"
"No."