4/15/17

I look around at what totems I've collected
Paper Fair bracelets and movie tickets
Trash standing in for memories.
Some with pen on the back to remind me what they mean.
Others blank, reminders of how much i've lost.
I keep meeting men twice my age with the life i wanted who have done half as much as me
Who are impressed at how much I've done  
But I just tell everyone I've completed everything I've started.
Like I'm fast forwarding until my body catvhes up.
By the time they realize it's a lie It will be true
And the only thing stopping it from being real
Is time.
but I keep forgetting what I say will happen
Unless i write it down
become a prophet of my own story.
Ink spilling like reminders
Papertrails in lockboxes

4/12/17

She said she moved across the countrey to
Get away from her sister
They got a divorce and it was
Against her beleifs.
Against God.
I told her firmly
That i empathized
How it must be hard to move across
The world, to pack up everything
Just for your morals
She said she and her husbamd moved in with the ex husband her sister
And that the whole family besides herself
Supported her sister.
I said that must be hard.
Then when she loved me
Knew i understood.
I promptly told her i was polyamorous.
That my lover moved to ireland
To live with her husband
Packed up everything
And how hard that must be
and She did not flinch
I held her as she cried on my shoulder
She in the fifteen moments I saw her
Realized there is a whole world of differences
She can find comfort in when she is alone
She never once knew what I thought of her
Morals
How In my family we have divorce celevrations.
How ending is always a new beginning
How you can love amd still realize that a forever is going to make you miserable
Or never having a baby will **** you
Or being ***** every night is going to torture you
Even if the abuser is your own husband
I worry for her safety.
A woman who doesn't beleive in the word stop.
Doesn't consider leaving
Or letting go
I could never trust someome like that.
I would never be able to see them without feeling regret.
There is no words for the sorrow I place in that body of theirs.
And it is not my place to change it.
But I can tell them how happy i've been
Letting go someone I love, forever.
Not because We are unhappy.
Just because it was time for them to go.
Tell her how I still love them.
How i miss them every day, but it does not depress me.
It enlightens me.
Tell them of all my happy memories
libraty labrynth where she made me look her up with the dewey decimal system
Ice skating and backwards buttwiggles
Every time we stayed up late and I whispered that she existed.
Because even I wasn't convinced.
Now that she's left.
I'm still not.

But I will never forget either of them.

4/11/2017

White knuckled on keys
Stabbed through leather steering wheel
Air bag pin cushion.

chalk outline
seperation Of cigarette ashes

wet tar, broken glass.
wine stained wedding dress
Playing paper towel commercial
Soaks up all the rosey in her cheeks

When the thud was heard for miles
She didn't **** herself.
Simply tossed her dress
out the hotel window.
at a crime scene

It was some other *******
Who covered it with caution tape.

You say you have
Glitter butterflies
Tinglies in there
Oh, you've evicted the butterflies princess
Those are storms coming
This is the eye of it
Wait till your captain steers the ship
Towards that looming dark cloud
You will beg me for butterflies little bug
You would beg for a swarm of bees
In exchange
for the beating you've earned

From me
then your captain

My roommate sat reading terry Pratchett
on our patchwork couch
Covered in my grandmothers quilt
as i boiled water
to make americanos for us
with the aeropress i just bought
her for christmas
It was her only gift this year
Our christmas tree wasn't up yet.
we put that up about three months after everyone else took theirs down
we watched the water drip
Like clockwork from the veins in the lime wallpaper
Collecting in her blind cats water dish
Which lapped happily before tripping over a mis-placed buhhda statue.
my roomate closes her book to say:

"being polyamorous is something you should only try is you are amazing at organization and have a fettish for complicated things."

By the time I heard her say this,
I had been trying to juggle hearts for quite awhile
I must admit my dexterity wasn't high enough
To roll without dropping a few
it's hard when hearts are never the same size
Or weight, or color.
I would be a better librarian.
organizing the hearts
Holding them just long enough to capture and
Stick on a shelf somewhere
That must be why I write so much poetry.

4/9/17

There is a circle of chairs in this room.
To my left
a man reads "Watchmen".
Red converse, superhero jacket.
Behind him,
a red haired girl squeaks
high pitched moans
at her cell phone.
On my right
three pill bottles exchange philosophy
on how to wake up
Only one considers taking
the advice.
In front of me is a bulk of man, farm tattoos, blonde crew cut,
Wife back home watching their two kids.
He's building rapport with a lanky indie chick
Knit cap & OBEY hoodie, viynal record brain, paper coffee cup hands
By the map of America sits a quiet girl
Trying not to be noticed
Hoodie three sizes to big
Grey, no coffee, no eye-contact
Beside a blur of neon pink camoflauge
A blob the shape of school bag
packed for an overnight studying
a dead body

Smack center of all of them?
Me.
Like IM the one that needs attention.