I wish someone would’ve caught this when I was looking at suicidal poems online,

when i was sitting in my room so stuck in my mind I couldn’t move,

when i stopped eating,

when i started losing interest in my life.

I wish someone would’ve caught this a year and a half ago on the 14th of February

when i was in so much pain that digging a pen into my thigh was a relief

Instead I made friends who were in as much pain as i was

who understood my want to die

who didn’t tell me that i needed help

who didn’t talk me into a therapist.

By the time I asked for help by myself it was august a year and a half after my depression became noticeable

2 years after I stopped eating more than two things at lunch

6 months after i became suicidal

6 months after i spent a night in my room begging to die on my birthday listening to the same song over and over crying  because i didn’t want another year of life

i wanted to die

I wish someone would’ve caught it…

But I catch it now…

Or I try to, others help me catch it, others do whats best for me.

I didn’t get help till 6 months after i was suicidal

It makes sense that 3 months and one year later I’m still struggling

especially when i only decided to live for myself 44 days ago on may 9th

I imagine its always harder to undue something than it is to do  it.

So i imagine its gonna take longer than 6 months to overcome my suicidal thoughts.

especially if it took me a year and 2 months to decide to live after a year and two months of wanting to die

fight my darling and remember,

I love you

She flickers softly, hoping that
no one will see her glowing.
So every day I watch her simmer
on, instead of growing.

This tiny spark that warms my heart
each time I catch her beaming,
her dimpled smiles and catchy laughs,
the murmurs as she's dreaming.

A lantern for my darkest days;
So willingly she came.
So now I need to feed her light
and save my little flame.

you stole words from my mouth
and you wondered why
i was so **** quiet

There.*
That look of disbelief.
But yes, I am. So I'll be brief:
I am an actress.

"What?"
I know, I'm really not the kind
of girl that quickly springs to mind
when people think of those inclined to say
"I am an actress."

"But..."
I'm quiet, self-reserved and shy,
that girl who never seems to cry,
the one who never meets your eye, but yes,
I am an actress.

"How?"
Because you think this mind of mine
is great, that I am sitting on cloud nine.
For though these mangled thoughts creep up my spine,
You seem to think my life is fine,
so whilst my sun appears to shine,
I am, indeed, an actress.

An angel sits above my head
and spreads her gentle wings over
my tormented and tireless dreams. 
The battleground that is my bed
she calmly silences, her
kisses cooling stifled screams.

My angel knows my dark inside,
for she was with me from the start.
How fitting is the irony;
She was the me I tried to hide.
But something changed within my heart,
and now my demon saves me.

She thought about trains
And what they looked like
The stations and how it'd feel
Just to sit and wait while figures pass
What it would feel like
To sit next to a perfect stranger
Everyday of the week
She thought she could live there
That place with trains
Grey stations and faces
She thought she'd never leave
Because when the snow hit
She could forget
All she felt before
She wanted messy love in the fall
The leaves changing colors
Smiles as bright as the sun
She wanted genuine silence
And admiration
The boots that fit snug
Wrapped around her ankles
She wanted to feel pretty
In pea coat in the rain
She wanted respect
The sort of acknowledgement
That anyone should get
She wanted to share her heart
With everyone who fell apart
She wanted simplicity
And hell
In one big shot
She wanted to live
And know she was