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Z Sep 2020
Alone I walk an unpredictable trail,
Mind racing analyzing all the ways I fail.
Feeling that the surrounding reality stands still,
As if everything surrounding me attacks at their will,
Alone with nature’s vitality, separated by the emotions we feel.
Perceptions of life’s purpose is to endure the suffering,
Pain brings the opportunity of a lesson,
Student of life, searching for knowledge insatiably.
Empathy, gratitude, a positive attitude,
Clear cut path to humbling, a fractured ego,
Comfort is an illusion, primary emotions a placebo.
Obstacles on the trail... rivers, fallen trees and stones,
No one here to utter words capable of breaking bones.
Language more powerful than the Manhattan project,
Weaponized communication formulated without logic.
Living through our actions, dangerous words become silent,
Respected for our effort, Results of an ego no longer defiant.
Shrouded in chaos no absolute truth,
Awareness resides with a present mind.
Accepting of spaces magnificent design,
New moments present an opportunity to own.
Anxiety provoked mind crippled in fear,
Trust the process then your path will be clear.
Darkness sheds a light in the end,
Growth is in the shadows, humanities path to ascend.
Feedback is always appreciated.
Z Sep 2019
Hey zakk,
How’s life?
I guess it’s … all right.
I’ve been dealing with some things like every human being,
And I couldn’t go to sleep the past few nights.  
My girl is worried,
I’m not.
I think I just need a little me time,
My therapist told me to give myself a little free time.
To take a break from the work and the manic rides,
I’ve been struggling for years from a breakdown,
Thoughts got me lost,
And I’m not proud.
I had a close encounter then I found out,
Bipolar addict plagued by my own doubts.
When I started drinking momma had to kick me out,
Had to pack up my things and move out.
Depressed as hell, lets pour the goose now.
She tore my heart up, look where are we now!
I’ve been searching,
I think that means that I have been learning
Throwing away my mistakes, facing my burdens.
Ive Been to rehab, I’m an alcoholic,
You probably think that this is concerning
Inner struggle to choose right, life’s got me nervous,
Many times I’ve lost sight,
my memory is blurry.
Its been a long journey,
Ive escaped the oak box and the gurney, but hey!

I don’t have much to show,
People were cold to me, where would I go?
Had the world in my hands, and then let it go,
Looking for the answer,
To stop the pain.
The trauma is real, where’s my moral code?
Pardon my mistakes, I was in a toxic space,
Looking down on me because what I chose,
Making straight A’s,
Valedictorian with a bachelors degree,
You see me?

Working on my life I don’t want to be famous,
Writing this song for all of us who cant say it,
I’m scared when I go out in public,
Judgment staring at me through so many faces.

I drink I and then start to get anxious,
That’s when my existence is dangerous,
Ego comes out, Self hatred screams loud,  
and then i forget what im sayin an…

Where did zakk go?
This pain aint nothing,
Drugs came in I didn’t see that comin,
Blunt to my my mouth cant tell me nothing,
Gotta taste of the liquor had to pump my stomach,

Threw it back up like I didn’t want it,
BAC like .49 something,
OCD trying to test my will,
Bipolar and an addict
Aint that something?

I can be cynical,  
Never atypical,
My existence seems fictional,
Im a living miracle,
Toxic levels were critical,
Conditions were unlivable
Those Hating me, your energy was pivotal

Parents split up when I was 7; pain was inconceivable,
My heart was torn to pieces living conditions became miserable,
The pressure pushed my rage to levels that made me feel invincible
No parents should do this to there kids this **** is pitiful.
Work in progress rewriting NF's lyrics for the song the search
Z Jan 2019
The biggest fear in life is when you see the whites of your eyes in the mirror,
And you thought the vision of your life would be a little clearer.
When your life is broken into pieces and your trying to find Jesus,
Your vision of morality increases, but your will power decreases.

Bipolar and addicted, mind is conflicted, afflicted, and your breath constricted,
Its hard to feel alive, when every day feels like a ten-thousand-foot sky dive to your death.
Day by day we try to survive, minds on overdrive, through each other’s experiences we strive,
To live, we try to give, and the next day we grapple with the life we are trying to unlive.

Don’t judge me fool, you know nothing about this demented dual,
A twisted and demented world a little like high school,
The place where everyone thought they knew you,
Instagram famous, thousands of followers people thought you were  cool.
But deep down you knew who was the tool!
There is some of us who live in the darkness were drowning in a black pool.
This **** isn’t my fault that my brain is misguided by a genetically controlled molecule.

Who are you to talk about me and my life,
Im 7 years in about to call this girl my wife,
It took me 3 close encounters with a blade of a knife,
To get past the strife of my past and realize I have the right to life.

I have to say im sorry, I caused a lot of pain,
Never put a needle in my vein, or did *******, but I lived my life in the fast lane,
Drank my life away, a one way ticket to death on the devils freight train,
Im proud to say today that I chose to abstain,
From the molecule that dissolved my brain and made me inhumane,
That alcohol is a solvent it dissolves the membrane,
Turned my life into a hurricane, give me the cellophane,
Choke me out and stop the oxygen to my brain.

For a longtime I wasn’t happy with myself,
My mistake is I was never true to myself.

I learned the value of wealth,
It wasn’t by increasing the quantity of items on my bookshelf,
It was as simple as learning that #1 was myself.

They say love is selfless, That’s true if you want a mess,
Love yourself first and life will take care of the rest.
I write to share my experience strength and hope.
In recovery from bipolar mental health and suicide.
In recovery from addiction
Z Aug 2018
Too many thoughts, too many feelings, too many faces

Yea, what’s the feeling of success?
Achieved so many things, but all I feel is regret,
I feel alone inside my head what don’t you get?
Wake up every morning like it’s still my set,
Reminisce on where I come from so I don’t forget,
Been to rehab a dozen times, they called me a vet,
You thought you knew me, I haven’t opened the curtains yet

Alcohol destroyed all my relationships
Forgot most of my life - except for the video clips,
Poisoned my brain to forget the pain, on the daily I feel insane
I’m above the ground though I can’t complain, god relieve this pain
I feel like I drank the blood of Cain,

Every day is a surprise, my brain tells me I’m so wise,
But he’s a master in disguise, while I’m the one who cries,
He’s the one who lies,
To me in my own voice watching my demise,
When he’s in in control anything flies,
It scares me, I built a fortress to disguise,
This out of control mind, I want to cut the ties
A Broad perception, in a beautiful world, through these eyes,

Try to express my feelings, no one can understand
**** it no one can, this experience is mine god had it planned
Just hope I can grow up to be the man,
The one he created to do whatever he can,
Yea, whatever he wants, his drive his will he can make a stand,
A visionary, Socrates his thoughts are grand,

Who do I trust, who I am or who I want to be,
It’s confusing with a devil living inside of me,
Loving spouse, family man what I try to be,
This bipolar got a hold of me,
Blindfolding me I can’t see,
Please doctor doctor set my mind free,
I thought I knew everything with my degree,
The lessons I learned from the things I failed to see,

Mommy and daddy got divorced when I was a kid,
I think I was 8, I can’t remember, who am I to kid,
My first blackout in life, daddy’s about to lose his wife,
So much anger, “he’s” telling me to find the knife,
Take it to the artery just a little slice,
Life’s not as nice, as people make it seem,
No one hears me scream, from the pain,
Inside this brain, some days I feel insane,
110 on the freeway trying to stay in my lane,
Drunk driving no I’m not sane,
Getting high to alleviate the pain

One day I can be the man, goals, driven, and full of will,
The next be full of sadness, regret, life stands still,
I can remember anger that drove me to ****,
You don’t know how I feel,
People probably thought I made a deal,
With the devil to have all this skill,
I write all these thoughts, hoping there’s a heart to fill,

Hope someone can relate,
I hope my pain makes you elate,
My perceptions not up for debate,
Here is my life there’s no room to understate,
The reality of my life and the things on my plate,
Strive to be in a mentally stable state,
Sometimes life’s not so great,
My minds locked in a crate, and he is the key holder of my fate,

My life feels like an afterthought,
Stepdad thought love was something that could be bought,
Used to get in trouble every time I got caught,
Only if they knew the realism of what I did, or maybe they ought
Not to know, but for the sake of the flow, I’m going to let go,
Put on a show so they finally understand what they missed long ago,

Let’s start as a little boy, all the love you showed was a decoy,
For the truth that mommy and daddy were ready to destroy,
Split us up, brown moving boxes was it all momma’s ploy?
I still don’t know the truth, I don’t want to ask or annoy

They say they fell out of love, how can you fall out of love,
Unless you gave up? Don’t you realize who’s above,
Poor American white family, three kids and divorced, man the stereo type fits like a glove,
Never got physically, but always received a verbal shove,
Psychologically I wish I could dispose of,
This garbage that’s left behind, in this mind how am I supposed to give away free love,

One day at a time, one fight, I’m going to give it all my might,
Serenity prayer please give me the light,
To accept my life and guide me right,
Some days things are out of sight,
God comfort me so I feel alright,
I’m shrouded in darkness, call me the dark knight,
Noble I’m my cause, daily life’s a plight,

As a teenager I survived off my drive,
Then there was the day I didn’t want to be alive,
Locked those feelings deep in the archive,
Padlocked in the deep parts of the brain so they don’t thrive,
Questioning the purpose of life when I was five,
Asked about space and God, curiosity already took a dive,
Most people and me don’t really jive,
One instinct on my mind is to survive,
Mania kicking in putting me in overdrive,
Found out when I was twenty-five,
I’m mentally ill, my life took a nose dive,
Time to wake up and revive,
It’s time to deprive,
The addiction and the **** I do to connive,
God im going to work on my life until arrive,
To the kingdom, hopefully I live to see thirty-five,

Todays a new day, no telling what I might do,
Try to hold my family together, backbone and the glue,
Just accept my view, everything’s not about you,
Been self-reflecting, I’m having a break through,
This story is contagious, call it reality flu,
Knocked on deaths door, Alcohol blood volume .492,

What was I thinking? Pores stinking, breath wreaking,
Family and friends shrieking, at all my drinking,
Woke up surrounded by the medical team,
Asked me if I was suicidal, I said what do you mean?
I’m a genius, with a good job, had one since fourteen,
Worked hard my whole life, why am I here confused as hell - creating a scene,
Needle in my arm, threatening to restrain me,
God please set me free, right now you’re the only one that can help me,
Ready to fight the doctors and nurses, now they’re going to petition me,

When I opened up my eyes,
Seen my momma with tears in her eyes,
Most painful look I’ve ever seen on her face,
Now I feel like a huge disgrace, wish she knew gods grace,
My hearts racing at a fast pace, anxiety took over freaking out in this place,
The realest hug ive ever felt was from momma while I was in that room,
Time to clean up my life, time to clear my mind and get out of the back room,
Where my thoughts are locked, time to forgive and bury the in their own tomb,
Most think they know me, and its dangerous to assume,
Most my life you seen me in my costume, hiding behind the monster of doom,
Spent so many hours in my bedroom, drinking so much leaving behind an ethanol fume,
Days later it’s still hanging around, how the poison turns everything into a darkroom.

12 days locked in the psych ward, hopefully I can move my life forward,
Dr. says I had an episode of major depression, I forgot to tell them about my secret obsession,
These words are the closest thing I have to a confession,
When I die take my brain for a case study dissection,
Don’t let my evil said lead you to mis-direction,
When im aware I can make the correction,
What an elusive lie, chasing perfection,
Life is about love and a real connection,
God im tired, give me a symbol give me direction,

Therapy sessions for years, did nothing to help these tears,
Still react with impulsion and anger, watch out for the danger,
the biggest fear ive ever had was the fear of myself,
and the things I was capable of to destroy myself or secure the wealth.
So many secrets it’s a masquerade, im hidden behind my stealth,
The lies created to maintain this alter-ego destroying my mental health,

My biggest pains in life are when I had it all and left it all,
My depression after mania was the biggest fall,
I felt like I was the king of the world, king of the jungle; hear my call,
My ego inflated from my achievements, made me feel tall,
Daddys dream was his oldest boy would play college ball,
Just like the song boys of fall,

Daddys dream wasn’t mine to live,
But that wont stop me from giving all I can give,
Im sorry for the night I was drunk and we got combative,
I shut that night out its not something I want to relive,
Please daddy forgive, now you’re so corroborative.

Now momma I know we do not speak,
The real issue is we don’t want to feel weak,
Why are we so strong, the ones who cant take critique,
Maybe we are so unique, and live life with such technique,
The type of thoughts people think are antique,
Their arguments bleak, our common point is its our mind we speak,

Im ready for the conversation, a common destination,
Where we live in harmony, and actions don’t lead to causation,
I hope my dictation, and the acceptance of your creation,
Allows you to accept me and the ground I call my foundation,
Rebuild our family, together we can create a formation,
Our time and love the only donation, mix em together titration,
It’s a ruination of the family, its everything I wanted it to be,

Ive struggled with every relationship,
With anyone I let close I seem to lose myself and flip the script,
Those evil days I hide in my mind, security equipped and encrypt,
I feel like im writing a manuscript, a story of a man who slipped,
On the struggles of life, and opportunities that have been stripped,

Went to college on a full ride, paid for room and board seen the debt and just about cried,
350 a month to the government talk about a life hurdle that broke my stride,
Since graduation I noticed im the new dr. jekyl and mr hyde,
Success in my life was implied, mental health hit me on my broadside,
Missed my grad school opportunity, I should have applied,
Had love going for me, turned into a landslide,
All I want to do is have a good job and be able to provide,
Im not the only one suffering this epidemic is worldwide,
I just want to sit by the lake side, retire and reside,
Somewhere peaceful where a simple life is implied,
The only downside, is the demon inside me that takes me on the regular for a joyride.

Worked 80 hours a week, drinking a fifth a day,
Most people don’t even know what to say,
To me it was just another day,
Its about to get nasty watch out for the word play,
Life not black and white live in the grey,
Area, mass hysteria, my mind runs astray,
Enough liquor in my blood to make me sway,
One wrong move may be my doomsday,
I write about my life like a final exam essay,
Giving it my all no halfway,
Yea, im making headway, opening the doorway,
For all to enter; serve up my experience like a fine dining entrée,
Living check to check, cant wait for payday,
Maybe someday, ill be on the golden walkway,
To the kingdom of god then ill be okay,
Impulses so strong its hard not to obey,
The other side of me that’s so hard to portray,
When hes manic I get risqué,
Let me paint a picture, get your tickets to the screenplay.

They say its not what you go through, but what you became of it,
My lifes not a stereotype, those stipulations don’t fit,
I seem to get back up after every hit, I couldn’t write this skit,
Im trying to use my ****, my mind feels split, I cant take this ****,
I just want to quit, go to therapy to learn skills and what to omit,
From my life, its hard ill have to admit,
Elementary school I realized I was a misfit,
Dreams in the stars, illuminated and moonlit,
Building a legacy without a permit,
Try to live life so im not a hypocrite.

Shocked by the responses to voice and gods word,
You can say in high school I was a nerd,
Football MVP and valedictorian man that’s absurd,
Wanna know my secret, ask me the password,
Stand on my own, not a part of the heard,
Forgive me for all my problems and troubles that have occurred.

The darkest secret you don’t know,
Is that im not motivated by the dough,
It’s the times where Im feeling high and low,
Sometimes it feels like time is slow,
The biggest crush to my ego,
Was when I had a 20-gauge ready to pull the trigger and blow,
Racking the shells, playing with the ammo,
The rest of my life I was about to forego,
I wanted to let go, because I wanna know
I write to share my story of experience, strength and hope.
In Recovery mentally and Recovering from substance abuse

— The End —