Often rather than not
We have been resting
Shovels patting earth

Locking  away unspoken deeds
For the specks of dirt know
Its time to ration air

Staving out
The most resilient
Packaging it away

To spot upon whom
Would  break stone first

Rescinding from whence it came
Curling back into joints

Pasting itself to the keys once more

In my room by the sea
I counted the minutes between
The water cascading over my roof
Tangled seaweed
Kelp
Flitting
Dancing
Brine crusting lungs
Pieces flaking off every time I exhale
I used to hate the smell of the ocean
How it would burn my nostrils
Close up my throat
Sting my eyes
The sand rubbing my skin raw
A smooth eloquent mix of blood
But now
I'm fine
I've been down here so long
I don't have anything to go crazy about
The soothing noise of the sea
Has just become blank to me
Tugging tides
Frayed lines
Somehow
I manage
To find solidarity
In these sea-foam lies
Dear me
How comforting

I am in unending hell
Because it started with a kiss
And now I keep wondering how it ended up like this
But it never started with a kiss
Because I've never actually ******* kissed you
But then it did end up with just one **** look
ONE LOOK
And I accidentally tripped over my unlaced shoes
Except you can't lace up vans that don't have shoe laces to begin with
But I did end up tripping
Into your hazel colored eyes
Except they aren't hazel colored
Because I've seen
Silver
Blue
Dark blue
Green
And this weird really
Really
Really
Pale
Turquoise color
But no that's not really any justified way to do it
I don't do romantic poetry or
Even poetry but my point is
You didn't smile as much as you usually do and I pay attention to you so much
That I can hear the smile in your voice
But no really one look
And my whole family was crowded around my computer asking you questions
And forgetting that I existed and now that I look back
Because it didn't happen too long ago
My heart is actually constricting with each breath I take
This thing called crushes and love and liking someone
Is kinda confusing
My heart trips over its feet
My eyes get wider and brighter than a full moon
My fingers cramp
I asked you something once while playing a game
It was a really romantic setting
I think you were the shape and you were trying to stab me
So I started ******* around and flirting with you
Because I mean
I kinda thought
"If you're laughing too much you can't stab me and if you're flirting back you won't be focused on stabbing me."
You just really make me smile
And right now I've tried to write this smile down
First taking the corners of my lips
And sticking thumb tacks in them
Just to try and hold them down
To stop the stretching grin
And to stop my face from actually hurting
Because that's how much you make me smile
Thanks

P.S
I blame ALL of this on you.

A very misleading scene.
You know what’s going to happen. It’s very cliché. Home alone except for your boyfriend. You two are just sitting on the bed watching a horror movie. You just put it on to have an excuse to be held and cuddled. And then it happened. You’re holding hands now. Slowly leaning in to each other even  closer than possible. You’re practically on his lap now. As he whispers sweet nothings in your ear. You lean in BUT BUT hold on he doesn’t know what you do. So you keep pretending kissing him back and pushing him down. And then just as it really starts happening you innocently put your hands around his neck. Stare into his eyes. And then…. SNAP.
Man he was really idiotic to think he could cheat and get away with it.
I guess you could say that took an unexpected TURN.

Blood dripping from the lustful sword
Forged in the eddies of hell
The lives of men beckoning
At every moment and turn
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
But it's never enough
Its thirst is never quenched
Forever parched
Dustier than a desert plain
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
A thousand have been felled
Stalks of wheat in the wind
And I the wielder
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
Am not even safe
As the blade turns inward
Piercing my chest
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
Cutting through my heart
As if it were ashes
Latching on and drinking its fill
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
I crumple
I fall
The hand that has fed it  
Has in turn been bitten

I have this shard of glass
Safely tucked into my wrist
My blood runs over it washing it clean
I see my grave in it whenever I'm sad sometimes
A curved opaque headstone
"Here lies dearly beloved"
The dirt freshy tilled with my tears
The stone shiny and whitewashed
Red streaks down the back
Sometimes I take out the shard
And I flit it between my fingers
The blood oozing down my arm
Liquid coating my pants
And when I slide the shard back in
The blood dries
The world stops spinning
And I can breathe evenly
Except I can't see my future anymore

A piano plays softly through my ears
My fingers waltz along the keys
Splaying my life out into a symphony
Every note
Cool
Calm
Cultivated  
A captivated audience is a blind one
They can't see what's going on behind stage
The puppets that rise along their strings
Forever to be suspended in space
Controlled and motivated
As long as I'm behind this piano
Mesmerizing the audience
No one will ever see the pool of blood
Arcing along my high heeled clad feet
No one will notice my strained smile
Or the flashing glint
Knives of bone
Protruding from my finger tips
Pray tell
Might I play a song for you?

OK so as an avid book lover when I find a series that I really. Really get attached to and I can read it over five times and still enjoy it. (Yes I have done that before.) It is great. Now that being said I have a series its a really good series. You don't need to know the name of it or such. But that's not the point this series officially has four books. Four books. Now there's no problem with that. BUT. There is the first three books. You know what. Anyone in here watch Naruto? Or read it. You know all of those useless episodes. Or how its like dragon ball Z where it takes five episodes in the order of. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. SCREAMING.  Kick. Well back to my point. The first three books. Are all over three hundred pages. And this by far is my favorite series. So I loved the first three books. But I wasted my money on the fourth. I was so ready. I waited two years. Two literal years. Pre ordered it. Paid express two day shipping. Just to get a thin book. By thin I mean it was barely over two hundred pages. And it was just. Just. It was bull! I waited two years. I waited two years for an official release date. Then I waited to see the cover. And it looked beautiful but it was just a sugar coated lie covered in fire ants! I wanted to see what happened between Nesta and Cassian I wanted to see if my ship sailed. I wanted to see if Elain picked Azriel over Lucien. I didn't care about Feyre and Rhys having a kid. That was bound to happen. I didn't care about a painters studio being opened. Not when all of you just fought against Hybern and barely lived! I wanted MORE THAN THIS. Instead you just left me disappointed and unsatisfied. This fourth book was like anyone of you. Wondering out of bed. Getting something out of the fridge. Putting it in the fridge and listening as it makes the loudest sounds ever almost waking up the whole house. You burn your finger a bit getting it out. You get a spoon or a fork and you start eating. Just to find out that its cold. It is colder than the iciest depths of Antarctica. This is what that book was like. Can you feel my disappointment rolling off in bone crushing waves?!

The moment you opened your eyes
My heart started fluttering
Part of me thought I was going to die
The other rational part told me to just calm down it was fine
AND THEN

I got ******
Because in my ears echoing as if I were in an opera hall
I could hear your infuriatingly stupidly smug laugh
Haunting me and hounding me like Marley's chains rattling at old Scrooge
Your smile flashed across my opened eyes like a new projector
And I didn't really appreciate that
I've begun to notice that your laugh only comes out
When you've successfully flustered me
I can feel the beats of butterfly wings trapped against the ribs that have become their cage

I thought these things were supposed to be in your stomach not your ribcage
But now that I find myself off on a tangent
I would just like you to know
That if there were ******* butterflies in my **** stomach
The acid in my stomach would dissolve them
So I guess that this isn't an accurate example of how you make me feel
But then again as a four year old climbs into the chair I'm sitting in

I honestly wonder what is
Maybe one of these days I'll bother looking away
Long enough to actually find out
Guess these butterflies won't be dissolved
Maybe if I put them in an envelope
That would fix the beats that speed up my pulse

A slate
Chipped
Missing half an edge

Gorged
Strikes
Careening

Down its scarred surface
Strikes scored into the face

Fives

Tens

The chalk caves into my fingertips

Sun rises
A trusted knight
While mother moon falls

Weeping
For burned out children
Who still

Pinprick the sky

Cortana
How may I assist you?
How long does it take to heal a broken heart?
Cortana
I don't know how to help with that
Cortana
How long does it take to regain broken trust?
Cortana
I don't know how to help with that
Cortana
How may I assist you?
how long does it take to heal?
Cortana
I don't know how to help with that
Cortana
Why can't I talk straight?
Cortana
I don’t know how to help with that
Cortana
why do my words trip and stumble out of my mouth?
Crashing faster than the snow from an avalanche
Roiling down the mountainside
Cortana
Error
Cortana
How do I fix myself?
Cortana
Error

Sometimes I take all of my regrets
I make a fist
And I smile
Shoving them behind my teeth
I ball up the sadness and I fit it into the hollow of my over bite
Because it's just enough to where it makes a perfect little space
I take the tears and I let them run over my smile
The salt white washing them and bleaching them
Brittle enough to break
But the pressure has been under
Just under enough
To where they stop bowing
And they straighten back
Or as straight as they'll be
They've told me before
That if I keep things in
Like sadness or regret per say
That it will turn me into its own personal feast
But with this cleverly tailored smile
I've made sadness the butter on my sandwich of regret
And I've learned to spread a napkin over my lap
And turn it into lunch
The crust perfect
Fresh
Vibrantly decayed
Breathing in the black mold
Hoping in some way that it'll flay through my lungs
The lungs that get fatigued sometimes
Tired of rising
Heart a beaten horse who's never been revived
Maybe eating my own literal feelings
Wasn't a good plan
But with this shotgun wedding of a brain
It seemed fine at the time
Instead of taking my heart out of my chest
And giving it over to a new black vat of a home
The living room curtains fluttering happily
On a wind of calculated despair
Some symphonies are never perfect
But even in their chaos they construct beauty

Dark and Deep
And it hides between the sheets
Dark and deep
Deep in the sheets of your mind at least
Dark and Deep
You wanted to hide
Dark and deep
We know you tried
But you can’t hide
Dark deep you know you tried
But there’s no escape
Dark and deep
Your mind haunts you in your sleep
Running
Dark
And
Deep

Dear humans.
We’ve seen your twerking and “hoverboards”
We aren’t  impressed.
Dear humans
We’ve seen your people and their ideals.
Dear humans
Those same ideals that have gotten a “thing” as we will not insult the tiny humans that you call five year olds. The “thing” now runs your country.
Dear humans
We’ve seen your girl the one who would. In the correct term “meet me outside, what do you think about that.”
Dear humans
We’ve seen how you destroy your planet. (Now not some of you). And then complain about how getting things the natural way would leave eyesores like wind turbines. But we really do mean to ask you. What happens when your whole planet turns into one big eyesore.
Dear humans
We want to say
That we will never contact you.
We may leave you evidence the evidence that we exist.
But we NEVER want to CONTACT YOU.
Bye for now.
Dear humans.

Empty
That's what this feeling is
It's emptiness
I thought maybe if I put my ribcage under a microscope
I could find you somewhere in there
Like you never left
I can't find you
Empty
I can't even find my heart in here either
Nothing is here
But that's my fault
Silly me
Thinking that I was actually good enough for once
But that's when I noticed
That my ribs had turned black
Empty
I didn't think anything of it
Until I touched them
And ink came away
Staining my fingertips
Maybe if I could've kept you laughing
Or calling me a ******* for the stupid **** I'd do
Just to see that smile on your face
Empty
Empty
I'm empty the caverns of this cage
A  hollowed out stage
Where voices used to flow
Melodies swelling and cresting
Breaking into sweeter notes
Breaking into better days
Into better nights
Whiskey stopped whispering my name
Stopped pirouetting around me
Empty
My bed stopped calling
Not even it wanted to sleep with me
The sun stopped talking to me
The moon started hounding me
A sirens song on a lone wind
The stars only sweetened the deal
Of coming out at night
I saw my soul
Shiver out of my bones
I saw my body collapse
I saw the regrets glass over my eyes
I saw the mistakes creep over my skin
I watched them stiffen my body
A smile stretched over my corpses face
Filled to the brim with bursting
The insanity ripping from the seams
All of the things I held back from saying
To you
To other people
Searing across my bodies skin
Glowing brighter and brighter
All of these thoughts
All of these regrets
And yet
I was still
Empty
Even as the stars that had always been in my eyes
Finally kissed me goodbye
And winked out
I was still
Empty

Sadness creaks through the crevices of my heart
Black
Slick
Oil
I'd been happy for a long while
So long in fact
I'd forgotten how it felt
I'd forgotten how it tasted
A bitter mellow felt coating my tongue
Unwanted red velvet
It shrivels from the world
Erasing itself from the history of spoken words
Vocal communication
My voice box and its chords disintegrate
Deeming me unworthy of speech
The order passed by my forgotten friend
Signed and decreed by my weary ears
Who are tired of hearing me talk
The muffled cries have turned into a broken record  
My mind has stopped printing
Because it's tired of reading my thoughts
Marking them down and making them semi permanent on paper
A Mache record spinning under my needle tongue
Cranking out dismal beats and notes
The morning dew deflates and turns to a mood ruining gray
The sun shines white
Colors run through my field of vision
As if somehow
They've got somewhere more important to be
Instead of bringing my life color
The necessary pop
The only excitement
And here I am hands splayed
Flabbergasted
Trying to convince these things
That are on the scientific spectrum
Of things that the human eye can see
That I'm worth letting me
See them
But even the crystal pale brown of my eyes
Seep through my skin
Just to turn into a glacier
Monochrome color

I’m afraid of heights. But I don’t fear falling. Falling is a freedom that’s never failed to run away from me when I’ve given chase. Falling is the wind in my hair. Clothes ruffling. The pure feeling of exhilaration. Of knowing that there’s still fear under that energy. What am I going to fall into? Or on? Is my body going to hit the pavement? Blood blossoming around me as if an artist spilled a can of paint. And I just happened to fall into it. Except my body will relax. Whatever feelings I had. Whatever thoughts I had leaked out through that pool of blood around me. And in my last moments of comprehension I can tell that it’s darker than I expected it to be.  But it’s still the same. It hasn’t changed any. I always fall into the pavement. It opens its arms as if it were a long lost friend. Calling my name. Making promises of peace and clarity. Promises that no one will be depending on me if I just come into its arms. That I can sleep and not have my dreams plagued with locusts of worry. And grief. And over thinking. So when I found myself falling again. I leaned back into the feeling. I leaned back into the wind relishing the feel of its fingers in my hair. Relishing the feeling of this peace. How could you have peace while you’re falling. I’m not sure anymore. My fear of falling the healthy fear of falling and colliding into something. Has been stripped away. Stripped away like an apple being peeled. Or cheese being grated into finer layers. I don’t fear it. I welcome it. With open arms. And an open. Still intact unscrambled mind. So when I fall through the sky. I only regret. That it’ll be over soon. This addicting feeling of freedom this adrenaline rush. Will be spread out in a bloodied halo around my head. And that’s the only thing I regret. That it can’t last forever. But alas all good things must come to an end. So I close my eyes. Inhale deeply knowing the impact is going to come soon. And hang onto the remnants of this wonderful. Blissful feeling. And then it happens. I hit something. And instead of it being concrete. I find that it’s another body. Another faller I guess. So when I open my eyes. Expect to see blood around me. But instead I see blue eyes. Not just blue eyes. Blue eyes that aren’t glazed over. Blue eyes that weren’t gifted the kiss of death. Eyes that are alive. And are also as confused as I am. Instead of falling into the opened arms of the soft gray pavement I’ve fallen into a person. A person who just tells me. That it isn’t time. To die. To come back. And fall again. That I have something to do and people that need me. And I need to wait for that feeling. I need to wait and stop craving it because I’ve become too addicted to the euphoria of it. It’s time to take my head out of the wind and sky. And come back to earth and live. I actually sigh at this. I sigh in annoyance. And roll my eyes. Because how dare they. That’s why. So hand in hand with this blue eyed stranger I go. Down a road carved and sculpted from the wind. From the stars. And from the ageless eternity of night. To whoever apparently needs me. While I shake trying to stave away the callings and whispers of the wind. Begging me to come and join it. To come back and dance the waltz that never ends. But with my hand in theirs. I’m anchored here and I can’t. So for now I block it out and keep walking. To the light that needs me. Because (apparently). I’ve chosen to live even before this day. And even before this exceptionally weird fall. I chose to live.

So I will.

Laying on a bed
I think I was asleep
(I think)
That was before the loud popping sounds started going off
Oh right
It's the fourth of July
Our nations birthday
I groan
I get up
I shuffle around looking for my glasses
I then proceed to make a very loud
Very annoying dying sound because I can't find them
I sigh and go out into the backyard
Watching
Pop
Burst
Pop
Burst
Color
Colour
Color
I would've felt something
I know
When I was smaller
The sounds would've scared me
But
I like the loud bangs
I still like
The bursts of heaven that decided to come down from the sky
Just for tonight
My mind likes all of these things
But a sheer bitterly cold layer of cynicism
Is wrapped around my heart as if it were a glove
So snug in fact
That when my heartbeats
It beats too
I see a certain blue
And I'm now walking up the road of my past
My subconscious being the gateway
To forgotten and even suppressed memories
The stardust dew of a violent red brings back the sound
Of tires screeching on pavement
I jump looking behind me as if I can see that exact car
As if it were pulled from my memory
Driver and all
And woven back into the reality of the present
Burst
Pop
Burst
Pop
Colour
Color
Colour
I don't know when
My memories started to come packed into exploding tubes
For people to set off
But I guess with this way
I can't ignore my past when it's right above my head
Burst
Color
Pop
Colour
Burst
Pop
Color

I messed up
I loved you I'm sorry
It wasn't a mistake
Confirming it for you
Would only force me to acknowledge its existence
I'm on my knees
I shed a few tears
They slide down my face
Off of my chin
And in between my splayed hands
Shards of glass kissing my palms
Blood and tears rejoicing
I dug this grave
I stand up
I drop myself into it
I smile
Heaving up my brown crumbled blanket
Over my waist
Up to my collarbone
And over my head
The dirt absorbing the blood from the hole in my chest
I heard glass shatter
I felt a crack
I've been here before
Heard that sound before
Looking over my shoulder it hits me
You'll be here but I won't take that up
Father time gave me a specific amount
I probably shouldn't have
I spent it with you
While planning things in the background
Ribbons and pretty flowers twine up through the dirt
I close my eyes
One last breath escapes
One last bitter smile
Resentment towards myself
My fears
My insecurities
Not to mention how stubborn I am
I'll look happy but when you exhume my grave
Knock on my chest
You'll find a resounding hollowness
Bestowed by my own actions
What pretty flowers for such a sorrowful soul

Frost.

It curls around the edges of my pupils encircling them like a newly fallen coat of snow…. My body gave in a long time ago to the bittersweet numbing cold I remember the day it happened. I often do. It started at my foot I thought a soak in the tub would make it go away. But instead it spread through the water. Freezing that too, and it just kept moving up. Up. Up. Until it reached my stomach I wasn't afraid as I looked down at the shining blue white material. As it crept up to my throat gentle. Soothing but still a bit stinging. I wonder what I had done to make it even appear and as it crowns my eyes like a newly minted king and queen. I still haven't found the answer.

Hoarfrost clinging delicately
To the flower
That it oh so loves
The flower begrudgingly
Accepts its biting cold embrace
Petals stiffly turning up in euphoria
Realizing that its life is being leeched away
But it still smiles
Because the colder the hoarfrost gets
The happier it is
And that's all that matters to the Flower
Its happiness
This is only a part of love
An innocently toxic love
Coaxingly sweet
Forbiddingly in love
And preserved in eternity
Because even with its last breath
The hoarfrost
Will still maintain and keep its beauty
Forever to be admired and worshipped
Daintily beautiful

He grabbed the moon as the stars screamed
They reached out and were tired of the never ending always returning ball of light in the sky. They wanted their nights to just be dark. Pitchless. A night steeped in silence. In darkness. Because that’s what they fed on. The different undertones of grey's swiftly carrying them to the welcoming velvet of black. The kiss of night. Except. There’s always that cursed
thing that rises. The blackness scattering back from it in waves. Receding from a shore that it once used to own. They grimaced. And wished that for once they could grab the moon and vanquish it. They got curious. Finding themselves reaching out before they could really truly do anything about it. They didn’t want to stop. They expected nothing to come of it so when their fingers felt this… Suction feeling. As if the circulation was cut off. And saw how their hand went through something like there was a divide between the land of air and the empty void of space. The home of this pesky pale thing. They froze. For once their façade of stone and cold broke. And they found that a well of curiosity was flooding them. Crumbling through walls that had been parched from a wave of desert heat. They twisted their hand. Trying to make some reason. Some cause for this to happen. But they could find none. And instead of feeling fear about what they were doing. They held the confidence of a honed swordsman. Knowing that they were set in their skill. He grimaced. And smiled. Casually brushing his hand against the face of the moon. He wasn’t startled that he could reach it. Or shocked. The shock came from the voices that filtered in through the gap his hand created. Thousands upon thousands of melodious screams floated through it. But he could never find the source. Which puzzled him to no end. So when the last pure note floated through the gap. He found himself sitting there in silence like what could I do now. “Take that pesky thing and welcome the dark”. Floated through his mind from a rich deep voice. Motivating his hand to do his bidding. As he firmly grabbed the edge of the round pale light source. The screaming resumed. As if the stars were pleading for their king not to be taken. But he didn’t let that stop him. He pulled through. Adding in his other hand until the gap started getting wider. And the space between earth and the voidless kingdom opened. The stars getting louder growing brighter with all of their voices. As if they were notes being played too high. Strings being too taut. But with one final tug. The moon came into his realm. The shadows flooded over it. Securing it to the ground. And spinning around the boy. Bowing to him. Rising up and kissing his shoulders and his hair. Leaving a crown and flowing despair stained cloak of darkness. The stars were still screaming though. At the sight of their precious moon being taken. Taken into an unknown but watched over land. It was wrong. It was so wrong and unnatural. It belonged in the sky. Safe. loved. Cherished.

He grabbed the moon as the stars screamed

Her lips awoke the sleeping city.
Her lips awoke the sleeping city.
And
When she spoke.
They lost everything they had ever had.
Dreamt of aspired to claim.
Her lips awoke the sleeping city.
Buildings collapsed families fell apart.
But her lips still awoke the sleeping city
And how could they not?
Even within the safety of the day no one dared to ignore the words that crested and tumbled out of her mouth.
Her lips awoke the sleeping city
Soothing the restless and striking fear into the hearts of the rich
Her lips awoke the sleeping city
And sometimes the best thing to use to awake a sleeping city
Sung and rocked to sleep by a lullaby of soft lies and twisted grins and crossed fingers behind backs.
Is the truth
So when her lips awoke the sleeping city
It was as if a finely second crafted skin had been peeled off.
Her lips awoke the sleeping city.

So there I sat
Watching the mat
Unravel and ravel itself

Confident in its weathered fibers
More stains
Than the weary could carry

Chills seeping out
From once passed
Winters marching in solidarity

Deep ruts of snow
Lovingly folding in on each other
While flurries fly

With a child brew mischief
Autumn swarays
Prancing ablaze

While the ladies abroad
Exhale their feathered haze
The gents down low

Noses alight with a healthy glow
When all has been honed
Only then will it show

Hollow.

When I wake up I’m in this building. Low gray decrepit rotting from the inside out. I know what I’m doing here but I don’t understand why my spirit won’t give up. The husk of my heart barely emitting a whimper of a beat. I constantly try and find them their laugh echoing over and over in my head. Not the thing that’s replaced them. I keep chasing the tatters of their laugh. The last dying rays of their smile. The warmth from their hugs. But I always end up passing cracked windows broken down staircases. Back to the room where the empty cavern of my heart lays in pieces. Ribs somehow mortifyingly enlarged. Lying across the ground in chunks shattered and broken apart from the concussive blast of pain and sorrow. I collapse in a pile of ashes. Falling to my knees. Trying. Trying so hard to piece the ashes together but they just run through my fingers. Slipping away like grains of sand my tears mixing together. The blood blending in. All of my dreams. All of my hard work every single effort. Shattered like a window. But instead of shards just cutting me. It falls through. The powder brushing across my skin leaving trails of blood behind. Still able to mock me. I thought for once that it was done the cycle was broken. It was finally broken. And when I fell. Into that circle of broken bones the ash puffing up around me. Shards of my heart bleeding. I thought I was out. But when I fell into that ash. I fell right back to the start.

It’s a little hard to admit
Sometimes when I see you
Something
Something still speeds up
Something still recognizes you
Not you but who you used to be and I realize
With a calm cynical cascade of frost
That my life is a lot better without you in it
And I fought you
I fought you on every single inch
But something I've realized
Is that the way you went about it was wrong
You wanted me to let you go but you did it the wrong way
When someone is fighting you and you know that they adore you
Like you were the very last barely running fountain
IN HELL
But you still negated the discomfort
I told you from day one when you wanted to leave
TELL ME
I'd stop pushing my own head underwater
Barely succeeding
In making you happy and what you needed
You belittled me
(I let you)
Only needing me whenever you were feeling insecure about yourself
Yes it would've hurt when you left but what hurts
What hurts
What hurts more is
You
You took the time to grow fangs
You drained my personal vat of happiness
But you left the one for your own
Alone
You took your claws and shredded my own common sense
That you got me so used to it
That I let you
That I automatically would think
"this is how I should be treated."
And if any guy was nice to me after we broke up
I'd think
"What the actual hell are you doing? Do you want something from me?!"
I took a human kindness as someone just talking to me
For profit….
But you
You burned everything away
You smiled
And knew that if you could turn this fierce of a lover
Into that fierce of a self destructive soldier
Face caked in grime
Boots grown out of blood
Sleeves stained red
All of this from a war with myself
And I don't know when the bomb
Stuffed with self loathing
Stopped dropping
I don't know when the bangs in my head
Stopped
But I know that loving you was the hardest thing I put myself through
But I also know
Even though it was my own self created hell
I've changed for the better
I may not be happier
But I've changed

I'm a sucker for brown eyes
But then again I always just loved
The thought of waking up to look into grave dirt
And not be buried securely under it for once
I'm also a sucker for blue eyes
Because I'll never be able to drown in them
Like I've just ever so slightly drowned in the sea
I mean it was just a little bit
Part of me thought it would be fun
I like Canada dry
So much so that I think
It may have actually taken over my body
Absorbed all of my blood
And now my heart
Which has unironically and uncoincidentally
Turned into a perfectly undented Canada dry can
My smile will blind you
Whenever I choose to do so
When a guy tells me I should smile more
I honestly only smile because
When his eyes fall upon it
They will shriek
Sprout arms
And shut his eyelids
But little did they know that it would be too late
Because they've already shriveled up
Turning to a fine layer of dust inside of their respected sockets
So yes I'll smile for you
I'm a siren walking
Who also just happens to be an opera singer
Just so I can replace the glasses that I shatter with your ear drums
I'm a lovely rose in the garden
The better replacement
Of snow whites poisoned apple
Admire my glimmering
Harmless beautiful petals
You don't notice that you're getting light headed
But that's alright
Because I get your last breath
That belongs to me as you inhale
My sickly sweet fumes
Heavier than the humidity in the air
As I sit
Sipping my peppermint tea
Reading your life
Like I read the pages of my book
Because I'm all about blue seas
And brown rays of sunshine
And did I mention?
I'm a sucker for a smug smile

Hope

A fleeting tasteless thing
Something that used to be so full of flavor
Something that actually had a meaning
Causing my nervous system to spark
Stirring emotions through my body
Causing
God forbid
Emotions
But now it just feels like frost bite
And if I sit here long enough
That frostbite
Will slowly but steadily
Turn into hypothermia
And then I'll feel woozy
And then I'll feel warmer
They'll be calling ME the next tropical storm
I'll take off my clothes
Because I think that's what happens
When you start to freeze from the inside out
Hoarfrost cracking through my blood stream
I never thought it would end this way
But I guess it is a fitting death
For someone who's already frozen on the inside
It only needs to be completed
On the outside
From the beginning to the end
To the inside from the outside
Always fleeting
And never to be caged
Never to be obtained
Or granted
Or even achieved
That
Is what the simple
Four letter word
Hope
Means to me

Some say
That a picture is worth a thousand words
But what if each word
Was worth a thousand pictures?
That every single piece you write
Contains an amber memory
An emotion stained shard of glass
In the word "love"
An aching heart in the word restart
A laugh sown into the hollow of your smile
A desperate sense of awe and kindled fear
In the knowledge of what we write
Will out live us
That in a sense we artists
Who rip their chests open
Warranting our sorrows and joys onto the world
We bare our arms
We show our scars
Some of us to feel like we aren't alone
Others to be a light in someones darkest corner
A warm pulsating orb
To be here
To show
You aren't alone
That we're here
Bracing your heart against the hurricane


Some say that a picture is worth a thousand words
But what if each word
Is worth a thousand pictures?

In out
That's the way the tide flows
In out
The sun goes down
In out
The stars come
In out
the moon shines
In out
I'm still here
In out
Floating upon this dark sea
In out
Moving with the tides
In out
I have no complaints
All I'm doing is floating after all
In out
I watch
In out
Day by day
In out
As the stars fade out
In out
The sun starts to come rising through the sky
In out
A bleak disc at first
In out
Burning away the buttery dew of morning
In out
I realize
In out
That I'm not floating on a sea
In out
I'm floating on everything that I've kept out
Out in
Everything that I haven't let myself feel
Out in
Everything that I've kept away
Out in
So I can help other people
Out in
I say I'm fine
Out in
I am fine
In out
Smile

Hands cup my face
Calloused warm
A scar on the left hand on the pointer finger
I kiss each palm
Thorns biting into my lips
Blood trickles down my chin
Over the crest of it
Down my neck
I sit in a lap
Another arm braced across my back
Mirrors staring at me that dance with humor
Ever changing
Safe
Warm
A heavy presence
Safe
Captive
I'd go as far as to say prisoner
But I can't I love it here
I finally found somewhere I belong
I'm content to be caged
I've never soared higher
Cerulean skies
I'm content to be shackled
Kisses chaining me down
A welcomed pressure beating in my heart
I'm the happiest captive ever
Forever loved
How can I not be ?

She told him
That she had a timer
That her story would be short lived
"I don't have enough pages for you to read"
He said that was fine
Some of the best stories are always short lived and end in cliffhangers
A signed contract
Two agreements
Willing participants
It's been fifty six days
He's watched the ink
Encircling her wrists
Oxidizing
Black flaking off
Skin growing more sallow
Edges looking as if they've curled in
Brittle
Brown with age
She told him
He wouldn't have enough pages to read
Less is more
He silently thought
The book closes

Hi! Nice to meet you.. Oh I’m sorry you look confused. Or am I confused? Or are we just both confused? Oh I was supposed to be introducing myself I’m your anxiety… I’m the reason that causes your confidence to flake apart I wrap myself around you like an overly comfy turtleneck. It’s a shame you always get so confident and I’m sorry but I can never help myself it’s like a board game with you. You move three steps forward you can actually speak to the person who’s taking your order at the drive through. You don’t stutter and oh I’m so proud of you. You’re concise and easy to understand… And I let you have these small confidence boosters. They make you so happy and your eyes light up and you get that stupidly adorable smile on your face.. And I’m sorry I am but it’s so fun to slowly come back and chip away at the progress you’ve made. I know when I do it starts small you fumble a word in a sentence and have to repeat or you just completely **** it up and then you start caving in on yourself. Trying so hard to blend in and be normal, but baby we’ve been at this for a while now. You can’t be normal not when it's with me. I trail your steps reminding you about the stray hair that keeps falling out from behind your ear. And what if someone noticed and they said something. I know you’ve never been good with strangers you never approach them. And when they approach you you’re just so small and shy hating yourself because you just can’t speak. I’ve given you everything to do so your trembling hands your frail voice. The slight heat creeping across your cheek bones. And I can’t stand it. It makes me insane when you roll your shoulders forward as if that can honestly save you. I’ve given you time I’ve given you space. Admittedly I also gave you false hope and happiness but dear. I’m honestly hurt how could you ever think I was actually gone? Like I would actually ever leave you alone? I’ve become so attached can’t you see that? I can. When I feel your heart rate go up and see the thoughts in your mind racing. Your fingers are so delicate always trying to pick up the pieces. But you know you can’t not when they shake so much each piece just breaks after it slips through your fingertips. Part of me wants to tell you to stop trying but I delight in watching you too much. But that’s not healthy right? I’m supposed to be supportive but we both know I’ve never been that type. We both know this has never been supportive or healthy. You keep going on and smiling using humor as a crutch. The only time your hands are steady is when you pull out one of your masks and that makes my day which one is it going to be now? The stone cold *****? The “strong” silent type? Or will it be the one that I gave you when we first graced the dance floor together? The one that you fasten over your head and put your hair up behind. While you’re silently hoping that no one notices you. Or is it the one that only shows the truth in those brown eyes of yours? While I take the strings that command your mouth and pull it up into a smile. Your spine bends to my will like a horse broken to the bit and you straighten. Tall falsely proud and it’s the best secret ever. Only between us. Maybe I’m sadistic but I’ve always been able to feel you curl into yourself even when I don’t let you… And no one would know not unless they looked into your eyes. But I know they won’t, you know they won’t. Because you never make eye contact with anyone. Your skittishness is like a free fall with no end. Our whole relationship has been like a dance with no end. I stay pristine guiding you twirling you across the floor watching as your dress flares out around you. An insecurity or a flaw flying off with each turn. Each dance. Each smile I can see your heart bleeding, your feet stumbling over each other. You’re always falling and I can’t help but feel obliged to catch you. Even though. I can always see that you’d rather fall… Because who wouldn’t? When each time I sweep you into my arms the dance starts over. The fun begins the cycle repeats. I build you up, I boost your confidence it's all me. You don’t want this I can see that… And… I almost feel bad for you. I almost find myself stopping. Letting you have a prolonged moment of peace frozen in ice.. But if I do that someone else may come along. And I’m sorry sweetie but ****** to hell I’m not going to lose my entertainment not when I’ve done this much work to get you like this. Hi nice to meet you. Oh I’m sorry you look confused. Or am I confused? Or are we both confused? Oh I was supposed to be introducing myself...