you don't know me
but you won't speak to me
for whatever reason
          it's been decided
     we aren't friends
     we aren't friendly

Why?

Am I so easy to hate?
     to ignore?

Why am I so easy to not want?

you're laughing with your friends
     and something
          about the sound
               pierces through me
I think you're laughing at me

I don't know why
     but it bothers me

I pretend
     not to care

about what people
     people like you
          think
               about people like me
If there are other people like me

I guess I don't get a chance
to show you that your judgment is wrong

shouldn't I dismiss you as an *******?
     for dismissing me so easily?
          but my heart is aching
               for an answer
                    why
               what I've done

the people here don't like me
but they won't just say it to my face
they'll whisper it to each other
     as I walk past
they'll laugh it through my chest

I am craving being known
     I guess I don't get that option
no one wants
     to know
          me
no one
     wants
          me

and maybe I could sleep tonight
     if at least
          I knew why.

The monster in my ribcage
Is trying to claw her way out
again
Carelessly crashing against my heart
Denting it, scratching it, breaking it
again
I didn't ask for a demon
But it's not like she wants me
alive
How does the darkness in my mind
Make its way to my chest to
abuse
In a room full of people
She always makes me feel
alone
Gripping my heart and haunting my mind
Images of dying
alone
And I guess it's no wonder
I always find drugs to
abuse
Please never ask me
If I really want to be
alive
She controls me
Shaking my bones
again
Call her a disease, call her a monster
She owns me
again

Sometimes, post ******
you lie in someone's arms
simply because they are comfortable
and you need a moment
before you'll trust your legs to walk away.

Sometimes you will linger
kiss their shoulders
trace little circles with your pinky
out of appreciation,
Thanks for their sounds and the sensations.

But I am drawing fractals on your chest
and studying your eyelashes,
Every few moments
you lean over and we share three tiny, little kisses.
And each time, you feel my smile
so you smile back through the next kiss.
I sneak one extra
on the tip of your nose
because I am glad it is on your face.

And your hand comes up
to rub the skin beneath my ear
I let out a happy humming sound
you return it,
You leave a kiss on my forehead
and I keep making fractals

I'm doing a little better lately
but I got these habits
I can't tell my mother about
This summer
I learned
  how to develop a tool for engineers
  to like the taste of beer
My life is a list
  of    disappointing lists
  of a disappointing life
when did I start buying whiskey
when did my friends start selling ****
when did my life become my life
  I never really get a chance to understand myself
  I often wonder when I learned to      hate myself
I've been doing this for too long.

I am a butterfly
caught in barbed wire.

You were the most beautiful thorn!
I had ever seen.
I knew exactly
what I was doing,
what I was getting into.
Because I was into you,
falling onto you.

And you're still beautiful
except for this red spot
where my body leaks onto you
Infecting you with me
and part of me is sorry
that I let you hurt me.

Normally my Demons
hide in the darkness
and they'll come out occasionally
to Laugh at me
and convince me things
I should know aren't True.

But tonight
one has Crept
through my ribcage
and into my fragile chest
putting Pressure against this heart
that isn't strong enough to Fight.

I feel it
an unwanted guest
occupying my body
reaching into my mind
clouding and squeezing
and every piece of me is tense.

And I long
to Break my chest open
to rip out this Demon
and send it away
but I cannot do this
and it Cackles at me
for it knows my limitations.

So I sit
and I Feel
the darkness of my intruder
waiting
for my Lights
to turn back on.

.                         it's not
                          that I have
                          any particular
                          desire
to **** myself                                
                          ­it's just that
                          I have no real
                          objections
                       ­   to the idea

Don't you know I am a mirror?
But my handlers didn't handle me too well
Ignoring fragile this side up,
They dropped me on my head
And naturally, I shattered
Had I been alive,
I guess I'd now be dead.
A shard of me is trapped in Charleston
Caged in by a terrorist
Hatred and racism rattle the bars
What the **** do they mean
When they insist they do not see it?
My broken shard shows a murderer
Protected and escorted by the police
And isn't that the most ****** up part?
My broken shard shows a murderer
Protected and escorted by the police
And no one can tell them apart
I've forgotten the names
I've forgotten the faces
I've forgotten the number
of people of color killed
by cops in this ******* country
Because there have been too many
And a new soul joins the list almost daily
I don't remember their faces
But I see them in my shards
How do so many white people
Think it isn't our fault?

I guess now isn't our time.
Maybe in two years
we'll figure something out.

And so what
if I'll throw myself at strangers
until I forget
that you're not mine.

And so what
I haven't stopped smoking
since we didn't say goodbye.
I'll stay high
until I forget
that I'm not yours.

And so what
I cried Thursday night.
I dried my face
and got myself home.
Maybe I'll cry a few more times
until I forget
that we were almost us.

And so what
my heart's a little cracked;
I'll forget.

lists of lies told to our parents
hide the cigarettes hide the smell breathing **** rips out the window
check the hall check the smell we're doing well
you never introduce your parents to the friend that is always high
the friend that betrays the lie
by not bothering to conceal
the misery in their eyes
straight for a weekend straight for a dinner happy for a phone call
we do this to ourselves under pressures from every direction
some will decay inwards implosion
while the others will be building
swirling expanding explosion
something and nothing are in constant balance
who is responsible who are you disappointing
what is the worst thing that could happen
if you admitted you weren't doing okay
do you honestly think your parents will stop loving you
if you tell them your friends smoke ***
**** this species

Lie in the grass to appreciate the clouds, notice off-color pixels in the sky, storm in the next level up so they're switching the simulation onto the backup generators and the head of operations is always complaining that

the blue takes too much energy, couldn't they just switch it, but the researchers always insist

it would be too much of a logical fallacy, the pixels are hardly noticeable, and besides, most of the test subjects hardly look up

and isn't it funny that you're just a few blocks of memory?

Slightly below my hunger for food
Lives my hunger for you

We want peace but
we can't stop the war
Everyone is fighting
no one knows what for
But I am so small
I am a candle
floating around in space
I crave a little less
darkness in this place
But I am so small
There are two people
by their own hands dead
And everyone else
demons in their head
But I am so small

Don't you ever think about timing?
Sometimes things don't work out and
sometimes broken glasses never tell you
why they run away and it just becomes
a fact of life that you'll never see another
pair of broken glasses.

I told our story to two stars so I hope
you'll get the symbolism when the
wrecking ball comes to tear them
down. I find it reassuring that we'll
never be remembered; we just
nonchalantly broke each other's
hearts.

and I have this craving
for something I can't touch.

Cities and people and 3000 miles
and this cold ache in my muscles.

Did I forget to mention
that I need you?
You forgot to mention
that you need me too.

And I guess time wasn't on our side
assuming, of course,
that your side is mine.

But I'll tell you that it's so nice to sleep
I don't think you're the one that gets to forgive me
And to tell you the truth, I forgive myself

There is something about the twinkling in your eyes
as you smile
as you listen
to me say my useless words.

And I desperately want
to explain the rain
to that little twinkle.

And I desperately crave
feeling you
feel the spot behind my ear.

Because at 1:11 a.m.
the rain is pouring against
my window pane
and the sound of it
is happiness
in my soul.
And I consider
this summer
and I decide
I missed the rain.
I've found
one thing
I don't like about California.

And I see
your twinkle
from across 3000 miles.

I first arrived
and this beach
looked like heaven.
Sand shifting
like clouds beneath my feet,
nothing bad could happen
in a place that looks this good.
And I guess
in the excitement
I never noticed
it was low tide.
My brow furrows
as I try
desperately
to see land past the water
but it is endless.
So I sit at the feet
of this endless god
inhale the salty spray
inhale the peaceful air.
How long have I been here?
At some point
the water
I swear
it moved
I swear
the water
it's coming for me.
My eyes are fixed
the edge of the water
approaching slowly
but I think
it's getting faster.
Cold
wet
my rightmost toe
it is here.
Why am I
still
here?
My mind has tied me down
I stare
unmoving
as the water engulfs my feet.
I do not twitch
I do not blink
I watch
my own fate unfolding.
I never learned
how to swim.

Sometimes I try to rhyme
When I have free time
To spare on little details
And leaving behind art trails*
Evidence that I exist
That'll last longer than a fist
In the face of the things I hate.
I'm always running late
(A bit of a common trait)

I could dig a hole to change the world,
But what good would that do?
So instead maybe I'll just try
To have a lasting impact on you.

They tie you down
and you lie there
on your side
imagining your body
walking away
but these ropes
cut into your skin
so you don't
struggle.

They must have
drugged you
because you
can't remember
how to sleep
and your eyes
never stay closed
so you have no
escape.

They are grinning
listing every mistake
you've ever made
explaining
everyone hates you
they don't
want you around
so you sob
silently.

that lumpy muscle imprisoned in my ribcage,
did she ever tell you she can see the future?
She whispers warnings of what is to come
and I am so thankful that she is so wise.

She tightens
and presses
against her bars,
so I freeze.
I listen
to her panicked
breaths
Something
dark
is approaching

You know that thing
where a stupid predator
can't see you
if you don't move?
Well I guess
the darkness
must be pretty dumb.

Because we freeze
the instant she tells me
and we wait
memorizing the shape
of the air in the room.

Late at night
I hear sobbing
in her cage.
But during the day
we live
or we wait
for darkness
to finally win.

Tonight I had plans
to study your voice and memorize
the exact color of your eyes.

Plans to lie in your arms
underneath the stars,
maybe sneak into your heart.

I didn't plan to sleep
because tomorrow I'll sleep in Boston
and our little chapter will be all done.

I'm already starting to forget
how your voice sounds,
and now I'll never find out.

But it's fine.
It's not like I even wanted
to say goodbye.

You and I are nonproductive.
There will be no house where we'd live.
We will not be star crossed lovers on a book cover.
There will be no pictures of days spent together.
No rings on our hands
Or ancient rituals with family and friends.
We'll never get a cat or a puppy.
We'll never have a child. We won't even have three.
You and I will never result in a single thing,
No, nothing.
Which seems like a waste
So I decided to
turn us into
a poem.

Simplicity is missing a physical object
something concrete, felt with the hands
But what is missing an abstract concept?
Possibility, felt with the heart?

Because I have felt him in my hands
Because I have known him as my friend
And as a result I miss him
in a way that makes total sense
And as a result I miss him
in a way I cannot explain

Because I miss the tension in the air
the gravity pulling us together
the fear that we might suddenly kiss
the excitement that we might suddenly kiss
I miss the infinite possibilities
tangled strings tied between us
I miss glancing at him
to find him glancing at me

I could say that I miss him
but that would be so incomplete.

I never told you
                              that I loved you
     or about the magnitude of that emotion.

because for the longest time
     you weren't mine
          and then I
               was someone else's.

And now
     my heart doesn't break
     every single time I see you.
     It shatters.

So I carry a hundred shards
     of this shattered heart
          but they cut into my hands

And so desperately I want to show you these wounds
but you wouldn't understand.

Because you know me
in a way I don't think anyone else even could.
But these wounds aren't for the unknown pieces of myself
     they are for the misery
     painted on your eyes.

I'm not stupid, I know I couldn't make you happy.

It's been a ******* year and I still cry
                                                                 because I lost you
                                                                 because I never had you
                                                                 because these shattered shards
                                                                 belong to you

One day the fire between us went out
     and you never told me why.
And now I can't speak to you
                  I can't look at you
     I run away grasping my shards and cry
     for the love I can't tell you about.

What would you even do with my love?
It would be of no use to you.

Something broken
          can be taped or glued or stitched
               back together
                    but once something shatters
                                                                      it is shattered forever.

happy to nonfunctional
    one eighty degrees
I go from blazing fire to
    a mid-July freeze
my mind is doing fine but
    my body isn't
living instability
    this isn't pleasant
wearing a blindfold at the
    edge of a great cliff
misstep, suddenly falling
    I could use a lift
I start a day rock-solid
    by the end crumbling
smiling and laughing but then
    alone and trembling
Can you explain me to me?
Can you explain me to me?

this waltz is instinctual
our bodies
collision course

and all I can do
is pay attention to you
so how did you suddenly get closer?
But my leg moves an inch to the left
your gravity
pulling me
laughing at your stupid jokes

Our minds screaming
our timing is terrible
but instincts can't listen
and isn't it telling
we have the same waltz
collision course

last minute
evasive maneuver
you're leaving to sleep
and how do I explain
that we both want you to stay?
But it isn't liked our fates have changed
merely delayed
gravitational instincts too strong
this waltz ingrained
collision course
and the steering wheel's busted.

Her socks depict the night sky
because she's a little obsessed.
This morning she left on
most of the clothes she wore yesterday.
Opened her shirt drawer
and put on the first one
to avoid getting stuck
with a decision she'd have to make.
Bright red hoodie
clashes with purple tank top
clashes with striped skirt
clashes with blue night sky socks
but she has an exam she never studied for.
And she walks down the hall
stares at the other humans
dressed in clothes
that make them look
stable and
well adjusted
and she feels
a gray nothing
in response.

I don't know how to trust
Your handsome good intentions.
To be honest,
     they scare my bones.

You must be patient.
If you come too close
     Hiss.    Scratch.     Run.

I hide in the bush,
while you put out a can of food.
And I will wait
     until you are safely inside
          before I eat it.

You must play this game with me for weeks.
Slowly trick me into trusting you.
Move too fast and I will never come back.
But if you go slowly, one day
     I may eat out of your hand.

I do not claim to be worth the effort.