Who am I today?
Sore muscles, sore heart
Because of exercise
and his brown-gray eyes.
And we don't have the time
for him to be mine
and for us to be we.

     And a piece of me wants to stay
     to test out this spark;
     see if we can light something in the dark.
     Can we use this desire
     to start a forest fire?
     or is it just a match
     the breeze will blow out before we get the chance?

          Do you want to stay ignorant?
          Or do you want to learn?
          Do you wanna try?
               Or are you afraid of the burn?

Brown leaves
October fading
into November
and the Breeze
becomes meaner;
its bites
are a little harder.

And out comes
a jacket
well worn
a little torn
on the right elbow.

But he's
the Meanest
garment I have.
He's filling
this empty cavern in my chest
with a sharp Darkness,
like broken bottles
pieces of glass
discarded in an alleyway.

Jacket around
my shoulders
and I lie
down
couch
bed
floor;
it doesn't matter.
And I am Stuck
trapped
in Thoughts
of inadequacy
of misery
of Darkness invading my soul.

The Jacket is grinning
mocking
laughing
He is pleased.
Because though
I wear a Jacket
I am still
Cold.

dandelion seed
when i grow up
i'll be a ****
if i grow up
dandelion seed
sudden breeze
and I go up

*I spend all of my free time hating myself

Sometimes I am the mountain
And nothing can shake me.
I am ancient elegance,
Unchanging;
I never falter.
The wind cannot sway me and neither can you.
But today I am the ocean:
Turmoil taken out on innocent sand,
Motion I have no say in.
The moon commands me and I
I am so weak, I do what it says.
The mountain is strong.
But today, I am the ocean.

Winds blow past and rivers flow,
But they have no influence upon me.
Nothing shakes a mountain.
The moon pushes, so
I stumble.
The moon pulls,
So I fall.
I cannot stop shaking.
At least a leaf on the wind gets to settle
To the ground eventually.
There is no rest for my waters.
The mountain is strong,
But today I am the ocean.

And there are days I know how to speak up
For myself and for others;
Days when I can face anything.
The mountain outlasts ice ages.
But I am trembling.
I am a tsunami and
I want stillness but
I am crashing destruction.
I stumble away
pieces of me left behind
puddles amid tragedy.
The mountain is strong.
But today I am the ocean.

I didn't even know
How good my heart felt
Until you froze it with your words
And drove an ice pick right through it
Because I swear I knew how to fly
Just a moment ago
When I thought there might be something
But I guess there must be nothing
This frequency is killing me
Your signals keep getting mixed
Clarity
Is what I need
The underlying truth
Hiding beneath your waves
Why can't we just say
Why can't I just ask
Why can't you just tell me
Do you need me
My cracked heart craves you
Do you hear me
I hear your crackling sound
We could be something
But you guard yourself
With freezing words
And the sharpest ice pick
I've ever felt

I cup my hand
capture water
pour it over
the little black ant;
it is washed away.

And instantly
my brain
demands
Do you know what
                                     you are guilty of?

I stare at the drain.
The ant is gone.
I am guilty of this.

Who are you
                         to decide
                                          who lives and
                                                             ­       who dies?
What makes you better than an ant?
From his perspective you are just as
Anonymous
and Meaningless
as he looks to you.

Water drips down my back and it is silent
save for the melody of droplets on tile.

What gives you the right to this space?
Why was his mere presence so offensive?
Why are you special?

Is it the ease with which you killed him?
You could do it
                             and so you did it?

*Does your power make you feel strong?

Imagine letting him live
wandering these tiled walls;
Aren't you glad you stopped it?

**** everything.
It hasn't even happened yet,
But I'm craving some drugs-
Anything to forget.
Because you know me,
And I know me,
And I don't cope,
All that easily.
Rejection is the worst.
So find me an old hearse
Because we both know
Where I'm gonna go.

So tonight I'll get high
For the very last time.
Tonight I'm gonna die
For the very first time.

I might be lazy,
But I don't wanna be idle.
Days like this remind me
Of being suicidal.
That tiny voice living
At the back of my mind,
Saying it'd be better
If I wasn't alive.
You know I don't believe
But today I wanna leave
Got some pain to relieve
And maybe I'm naive
But I need to escape
Yeah, I gotta get away
And I mean, it's not like
My life matters anyway

So tonight I'll get high
For the very last time.
Tonight I'm gonna die
For the very first time.

And well maybe I just need a drink
If it means that I don't have to think
Anything, anything
To not hear no from you
Because chances are that's what
You're going to do.
Why the **** did I even ask?
Is there still time to take it back?
We'll pretend it never happened
And my dreams won't get flattened.
But no, that's not an option.
I'll find a new addiction.
And I guess
I'll just have to settle
Something new,
Maybe it'll be fatal.

*So tonight I'll get high
For the very last time.
Tonight I'm gonna die
For the very first time.

I took a walk to the
meadow where dreams
come from and as the
sun sank down pastel
clouds followed me and
the birds stopped singing
as darkness crashed down
upon us. A fog crawled across
the meadow, clinging to the
surface of this rock and
I find myself clinging to
the branch of a tree, my feet
floating upwards, threatening
to fly me away. And
I want to go, I long to float away.
But my hand stays on the branch.

life goes
on
so they tell me
two freshmen
gone suddenly
they ex-
plain
how we should keep going
without our
humanity showing
god for-
bid
our grades should suffer
just like all
of us - like they were

We've had one night
And the better part of a morning
But already I can feel
That some piece of me is gone
And now it lives with you.

And it is too soon
For me to be yours
But...
I am.

I wonder if you feel
The electricity
From across this city;
I can.

I want you
to tell me it'll be
okay

But you don't know
that things aren't okay

and I don't know
how to tell you
that I'm crying on the floor
rocking back and forth

and I don't know
how to ask
you to tell me
it'll be okay

but I need you
to tell me
it'll be okay

Sometimes I think
it would be so nice
to be a
Ghost.

Because then when I stand
to the side of a group
uninvolved
untalking

It will be normal.

Because what can a ghost do
except for watch others interact?

But now
I am flesh
that hides from other flesh
that avoids social interactions
that whispers
                     when she wants to scream.

Sometimes happiness is just a little flower,
Disguised as a ****.
Sometimes I think it is just a hot shower.
Sometimes I think happiness
Lies in a cigarette
And a source of fire:
Either bon or a match or a lighter.
Sometimes I think it is a universe away.
And I think happiness ran off today.

I type out
a friendly message to you
and I pause
to write a poem about it
about you.

I need you.
I can't even explain
Because I've never felt
this before.
Which is such
a stupid
cliché thing to say.


I slowly
backspace
over my carefully
carved words,
and click
the x next to your name.

And I sigh,
Tonight is not our night.
And maybe,
It never will be again.

Red armchair in the back
of the independent clothing
store with three of your friends
piled up in it dressed like zombies,
trying not to get the fake
blood - sweet, sticky, and the
wrong shade of red - on any
of the merchandise. You
signed your names on their
wall with the confidence that
some things last forever.
A few years later you hear that
the store closed, a little too
independent for the locals, and
you wonder if you're feeling
nostalgic or just hungry.

Shivering hole in my chest
whimpering your name
it begs the universe
to let me fall in love with you

I want to ask you
which broken pieces
of your childhood
have influenced
how you want to
raise your kids

I want to listen
to you explain
what you had for
lunch today
on the edge of my seat
to know why
you chose the tacos
over your usual sandwich

I want to wake up
in the middle of the night
and find you there
asleep beside me
I want to memorize
your eyelashes
as my mind
turns itself back off

whimpering hole
deep in my chest
begging the universe
to let me see you again
to let me get to know you
to let me fall in love with you

I am standing still as a rock curled up on the floor shaking back and forth. I am overreacting in response to your underreaction and something in my body just doesn't feel right anymore. A piece of me is angry that you dared to have this much control over me. Why were you trusted with a sword you didn't know how to use? Because these wounds are leaking blood and staining the new clothes I'm wearing for you. My underwear is covered in pictures of your favorite fruit that will never taste the same again.

I am trying to rationalize your behavior. I am making up excuse after excuse for you and I am disgusted with myself. It was you who put me in this situation and it is all your **** fault which is why I am to blame. I didn't know that nothing was strong enough to break glass, but here I am shattered after your lack of words struck me. Who do you think you are, because apparently I know nothing about you.

It was so subtle that I almost missed its hands wrapping around my throat. My face was blue by the time your rejection had sunk into my skin, pins and needles over every bit of flesh. I was changed in an instant.

You don't miss me back.

That knowledge bouncing back and forth inside of my skull on a Monday night. And maybe you were tired or maybe you were stressed or maybe you were revealing the truth to me, finally, releasing your feelings, or lack there of for the first time. Wasn't I so lucky to be there for your debut? I can feel ants crawling around on my heart and they must be hungry because they keep biting away miniscule pieces of me that I guess I didn't need.

You mean so much to me but I must be meaningless. I am breaking down and apparently you couldn't care less. You never told me you didn't love me, you never told me you didn't miss me, I had to figure that one out for myself, you never told me I was nothing, but that is how I am feeling.

And soon you will have to see my face and I will get to look upon yours and we will be together. My soul will be screaming out at you, demanding to know what changed, but my lips will not make a sound. I am silent and it has always been my greatest weakness, well, until I fell in love with you, anyway. All of this pain, yet I won't have a word to say. I am trapped here wondering what way it will go. Most of me doesn't even want to know. It's only a matter of days and even after all of this, I still manage to miss you, but

You don't miss me back.

Standing in the snow
We kiss on the Harvard bridge
With two cities smiling at us
Because I had stopped
To appreciate their beauty
But got distracted by yours
And you tell me
That you hadn't stopped
In case I was cold
And my laughter
Shakes your shoulder

You said you'd walk me to my door
But the last few feet take twenty minutes
As we talk
Finally we kiss one last time
You tell me to keep in touch
And begin to walk away
I say, "you too"
It takes you ten more feet
Before you clarify
"I meant tonight"