Stop trying to remember his scent, he smelled like summer and reminds you of the time he made you laugh so hard, you snorted out milk on that dead, hazy day.

2. Don't waste your day trying to decipher what colour his eyes were, it'll only remind you of the galaxies and constellations that you once saw in his eyes

3. Stop trying to retrace the shape of his mouth in the middle of the night, you'll choke on your tongue trying to taste the mint he devoured seconds before pulling you in for a kiss

4. Stop reliving the times you clasped hands together, the glass plate will fall off your trembling hands.

5. Burn this list, admit that the galaxies and constellations shining in his eyes were wilted, the one in yours are bursting with fire. Remember on the dead, hazy day his laugh sounded like nails running down a chalkboard. Remember when you kissed, the weeds growing from his mouth entangled the roses blooming in yours.

Realize that one day, another boy is going to come and plant daisies where he left behind thorns.

You cannot give me thorns and expect roses in return.

I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

If I don't make you laugh on your worse days if I'm not the one that
you go to when you don't want to speak to another human being
if I don't put a smile on your face
just by you listening to my voice
If I don't make your heart skip a beat
when I say I love you
leave me
If I'm not on your mind 24/7
maybe even less
(so it can be an exception)
and if my name is not on your school notebooks with hearts on it
(maybe my name in a light grey)
leave me
run away from me
far, far away
if the thought of you not wanting to speak to me again crosses your path
on days you hate me
leave me
if I don't make you squirm in happiness
even if it's just by the simple word
of hello
and make you the saddest when i say
the simple words of just good bye
leave me
just please leave me
just please do so
because you deserve better and
there is someone out there
who will make you feel
the way I wish I could make you feel

so leave me

j.f