I'm getting married soon
But as my melancholic mind would have see it,
I still sought to seek out the hidden gems I blindly ignored;
When you were part of a piece of a paragraph in a long
neglected yet beautiful chapter of my life.
In an attempt to expose the very nature of my soul and body,
you saw my distress and healed me back to a semi-moderate stable condition of what was once my self.
On long drives, we sang loudly, and unfortunately proudly, about our tragic love life before we were to discover our secret affair within each other.
Desperately seeking answers, we found comfort in the solitude amongst ourselves.
In one of many drives, you even flashed your *** onto confused on lookers, which would be the main topic on our relationship.
No, not your ***, but exposure.
We exposed our souls to each other, mentally and very physically.
Trusting and knowing we would know what's to come was somehow comforting.
The end was nearing but we sure did cherish those precious moments, didn't we?
Closing the tiny paragraph you are now part of in my chapter,
it has lead me to one of the biggest events events in my life.
As the day gets closer, I recollect the times where my heart barely breathed any ounce of life I had once.
You gave me the force of life back into my desolate self and my soon to be husband is forever grateful.
Each piece of what was, prowls every now and then
But that's the human in us; We travel back in time just to observe and adore.

So......let's move along, reminisce, and once in a while, hold dear to our past selves.

If you should see me again,
What should I do?
If we should talk again,
What would we say?
If I were to touch you again,
What would you do?
I'd I were to hold you again,
What would you do?
If I should see you again,
What would you do?

I imagine to romanticize my life
I fantisize my drive to work as quirky and cute
My cup of tea is the best thing I've ever tasted
Wearisome tasks are now so compelling to do
Now I start to picture things in such a charming and beautiful way.
Darkness and heterodox philosophies clouded my mind for so long,
I almost forgot to admire goods and breathing trinkets.
Waking up and peaking in, would be the bright sunshine through the blinds
And my frizzed hair all over my face.
Through triumphs and trebulations
This is a film
About a girl
Viewing her life
As a studio ghibli film

Our trembling lips touched for the first time
It was a euphoric feeling
Finally!
We had each other
Though it lasted for a minute, felt infinite.
Our fingers entwined and stuck
Our hips practically meshed
And my hair tangled all over your face.
After so many years forbidden
We had a moment.

We meet from a mutual friend
I admired your humor and you were amazed at my honesty.
You had eyes for her while I yearned her to give you a chance.
You both fell for each other in the track and field area.
You two were twins.
The way you two dressed, to same taste of music seemed perfect.
But the stories you told me were much opposite of this perfect picture painted.
In our hangouts, she never seemed to acknowledge, but only scold you.
She complained constantly and would only embrace you when others looked.
You on the other hand, would constantly praise her.
You loved her very much and would only want you.

A fight happened suddenly.
You wanted company and I played Halo with you.
I can tell you were aching while we both knew she was out, not having a care of the world.
As she told me, she wanted to be free and wanted you no more.
Religiously checking your phone, a heavy breath left your lungs every second slipped out.
I bombarded you with consistent jokes and gossip to calm your throbbing mind.
Slowly but surely, a hint of a smirk appeared.
Though you were suffering, a bit of joy climbed out.

Months go by, our friendship was getting tougher.
If I had to go do laundry, you would help me fold.
If you were hungry and didn't know what to cook, I go over to cook you the only thing I knew how to make.
Out of nowhere, she comes back, wanting forgiveness.
Hesitation and worry is written all over you.
Both ask for advice, my only answer is "Go with your gut".
This time around, both of you are walking on thin ice.
I see less of you now and she her more.
She's anxious he will never forgive her.
In our talks together, I worry this once perfect couple will be no more.
Ultimatums ****.

Another year passes and I have yet to find someone.
At war once again, together yet apart, you seek me again.
The one day of the year, Valentine's day rolls up.
She calls me as I come home from errands how she will be no more with him.
She's done.
My heart breaks as I know this will inflame his love for her.
As I head home, I receive a text from you.
"Are you home yet?"
Thinking he's received the news and wants to hang out,
"What should I bring over?"
He laughs, "Check your mailbox"
A big red hearted box with a red rose.
"Aw that's so sweet, thank you."
"It means more", is what you said.

Weeks go by.
Upcoming trips and video games occupy our daily tasks.
On one occasion, we gather for a party at the beach at night.
I fell badly playing volleyball and I couldn't walk.
You straight up SWOOP me like I'm a **** Disney princess.
You carry me to your car, teasing my way of belittling how heavy and chubby I am.
"I don't care for any of that"
As you carry me, I grapple your thin shirt and feel your arms pulsing.
"Not a wince of pain carrying a elephant" I thought.
I never noticed how much we had changed through out our years of knowing each other.
I am blushing so hard I believed the heat from my face would catch my hair on fire.
One day, things changed.
We're on the couch watching Iron Man
My house is filled with thunderous laughing.
I tease you for being so charming to everyone you meet.
A flush of red bares all over and suddenly you swoop me up and carry me to my bedroom.
My legs hanging off my bed and ask what's wrong.
Your delicate hands firming and dancing around your trembling face and hair.
"How do you...Don't you know..."
Why is my face flushing, my lips shaking and my legs weakening.
"It's always been you" falls out of your lips.
Till this day, I know you meant to say it in your mind.
Grappling the bed frame, I stand up.
We grow closer and you grab my waist.
Finally....
I stop you from pursuing anymore than we truly want to.
The setback in your eyes come.
You leave without saying a word.

Years go by, fights enabled.
She accuses me of trying to break you two.
Our friendship is fully turned to ash.
He's not fully into her anymore, even with years behind them.
Distant is not even close to what we are now.
You go off to the army, while I try to grow my life without you.
Relationships come and go.
From a distance, you seemed happy again, with her again.
At least so it seems.
I later find out you've gotten married.
And now she's expecting.
How life has been different to both of us.
Out of the blue, you came to me in a dream.
It was like the old days, but without anyone to shadow us.
It was just us two.
Just as I had a wistful dream about you one night,
I check my phone to see you want to add me on IG.
The crazy coincidence.
I wonder what you thought of when you saw my profile.
Do you want to see how our lives differ?
Do you wonder if I have someone?
Do you ever think of that day?
Do you miss me?
But I wonder do you ever think of me?
I just wonder if you ever think what could of been.
All I know is, we both longed for each other, truly and deeply.
In this universe
At this time
We were meant for each other but was painfully
the wrong time....

Reality is a blur, a foggy consistant blur.
Everyday is the same melancholic routine.
10 on the dot.
One sunnyside up egg with a toasted sourdough slice.
Citrus tea with honey and an amusing podcast to prepare.
Slap on foundation and eyeliner, to look somewhat "happy" for a straining workday to come.
Thank god for the coming 4 hours there, my mind is of spotless.  
Not a thought of you comes inching in my deserted cold mind in those 4 hours.
As soon as I punch out and put away the fake smiles of the workday, you pop right up.
This in general is not bad in a way that I loathe you, the memory of you,
But bad in a way that I miss you.
Enormously.
The old routine was much more methodically medicore but it was pure *******, beyond happiness.
Up at 9, waffles with milk, with tv in the background.  
As I can not fathom the desire to be at work already.
Walking in, I longed to see your deep icy blues that just melted me instantly as soon as I saw them,
Into a puddle, there I go.  
Their target are aimed towards my ungraceful demeanor, it still shocks me through out my whole body.  
Tingling, Inviting and Warm.
Feelings I felt everytime you nearby, I instantly knew it was you.
Present day.
As I drive towards what seems to be another morrow towards the vapid and grave, I look for you.
I felt those blues that day of a party.
I felt them as I walked away from a group conversation.
I felt them as I mourned the loss of someone.
I felt those blues that first night.
The night we met.
Vanilla ice cream, in the cold air and a life changing experince we both intuned.
Instinctively, I trust its profoundly there to you too.
Even now and till your departing day.
I felt those blue eyes.
As much sorrow and grief it brings me always, and probably will be till my final and sweet death,
I dream back to the days I would walk in, and melt in my puddle, as I felt and longed for those icy blues.

Today was the worse day of my life so far.
My future self slipping away from my fingertips....just gone.
I could see my house, my career, my husband and my children...all just crumble in my fingers.
Everything that should be destined, is now gone once again.
For the third time may I add.
You would think after so many heartbreaks you would get use to it.
No.
At this point, in my 26 years of life, you will never get use to it.
I wait for the day I get to stay in a hotel room just contemplating my life's choices.
And just finally ending it all.
Ya, I guess you can always say 'You're young, you have alot going for you, it's never too late for a happy ending', yet that may be true, in my mind, I'll always see a chubby emotional single hispanic women whose future will be hoarding shelter dogs alone in her home.
That image, just reflecting back at me in the mirror, seems to be the closes to a happy ending I'll ever get in this lifetime.
So, for the time being, I'll be sleeping and closing my eyes to this nightmare.
Because I would rather sleep all day and forget everything for a couple of hours than to be awake all day and remember everything.