Until when will I wait?
Until when will I suffer?
Until when will I long?
Until when will I seek?

Until when should I lock myself up?
Until when will I long for the warmth?
Until when should I feel dead inside?
Until when should I walk alone in this life?

Until when should my heart be hard as stone?
Until when do I have to wait for someone to chisel it?
Until when will the winter of my life last?
Until when do I stay just to see you at last?

Until when do I have to suffer lonely nights?
Until when will I wake up in a cold, empty bed?
Until when will I feel anxious about a single's lifetime?
Until when will I fear connecting to someone else's life?

Until when do we have to wait?
Until when do we have to suffer?
Until when 'til I see your face?
Until when 'til I hold your hands?

Until when do I just see you in my dreams?
Until when 'til I see you in my reality?
Until when 'til we finally meet?
Until when 'til we passionately love?

Until when will I be alone?
Until when will I be isolated?
Until when will my emotions be suppressed?
Until when 'til I finally bask in your embrace?

I am stuck here..

Waiting for you..

Are you stuck somewhere else too?

If so, then tell me how to find you..

And if Fate blesses this search..

If the gods open the path which leads to you..

I'll never ever let go of you..

So tell me..

Until when 'til I find you?

Journal Entry #11

People in my life always ask me why I don't date, my mother included. And we can now add my therapist to that list as well.

I told my therapist I find dating humorous and annoying currently.
I think my answer caught her by surprise as she smiled at me and then asked why?
So I decided throwing out actual scenarios would be my best course of action.

I told her for starters I'm completely oblivious when a guy is interested.

For instance:

My Mother: "Honey, why didn't you end up going out with that nice boy, he seemed like a good person for you?

My Response: "Mom, I planned on going out with him. But then I started watching that movie What Woman Want with Mel Gibson, and I came to the conclusion that I'd rather not wear pants.
So I never left my apartment."
~~~~~~~~~~

My best friend: "Hey, that guy over there keeps looking at you. He's totally checking you out!"

My Response: "Naw, he probably has something in his eye and just so happens to be looking in my general direction. He was probably eating something spicy and touched his face. You don't know!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Sister: "Umm, that man was clearly hitting on you. He was just just taken by you, it was so obvious! He was smiling at you the entire time."

My Response: "Naw, he was just really interested in what my preferences on vacuums were."
~~~~~~~~~~~

My therapist laughed at my awkward interactions with men and then went on to say,

"Clearly men are interested in you, but maybe you're just not ready to even be open to the idea of dating again, and that's why you really don't see when men are actually interested in you. How do you feel about that?"

My Response: "I think in part that's very true. But I also think that the idea of actually having to put on pants and talk to men is just a huge no thanks. I think the day I even humor another mans existence will be the day a man makes me happier than eating bread in a pile of freshly washed laundry.
A girls gotta have her standards."

What would your husband think about you leaving? Any kids?

"I don't have a husband anymore.... And no, no kids...there's no point anyway."

What?

"Loving anyone or anything.....
Feels great at first, but it always turns to crap. I know the truth about love.... Its a hell I'll never get out of alive."





No one does......

Stop setting yourself on fire for people who will sit back and watch you burn.