It's odd for me
To be down on my knees
Praying to a God
That I don't believe in

I asked him why
There's so much pain in my life
And the one bit of joy
Was cut off like a knife

I was angry and mad
Didn't expect a response
I was crying and yelling
In my little tiny house

I heard in my heart
The reason to be
That there wasn't a soul good enough
To fill the love that I need

He said "I looked and I looked
But I just couldn't see
A soul with enough love
And joy that you need"

I trembled and I cried
I jumped to my feet
"Is that really you there?
Are you talking to me?"

"Don't give up yet boy
Though you don't believe in me
Ill keep on looking and looking
For the soul that you need.

And when that time comes
You'll know it will be
The soul of your child
That has all that you need."

Today's the day where I don't feel like waking up
I'm struggling to do anything at all but refill this half empty cup 

Today's the day that I relapse and pop this little white pill
It's supposed to make me numb when I'm feeling mentally ill

Today's the day that I burry myself in bed all alone
I'm hurting so **** bad, it aches me to the bone

Today's the day that I'm going to let everyone down
Pouring drink after drink until I finally just drown 

Today's the reason why I'm afraid to be happy and committed 
Something broke inside my brain I should probably be admitted

Today's the day a tidal wave consumes my hurting soul
It almost seems fitting to finally drive into a ******* wall

Today's the day that my fears come true of finally being happy
Cause before you can even take your first breath I'm writing your eulogy.

Don't call it a comeback
My depressions been here for years
I still smoke myself to sleep
And calm my anxiety with 3 or more beers

It's just goes to show
That I should stay in my lane
I stare at the bottom of an empty bottle
Just to focus on something other than pain

I knew it'd come back
I knew it was too good to be true
Depression isn't a state of mind
It's something that controls you

You would think I'd be used to it
And that it'd get a little easier
But I really didn't see this coming
It must be getting sneakier

I don't care about punctuation
I don't give a **** about my grammar
The only reason I'm doing this
Is to try to feel a little better

It used to work, ya know
To keep my demons at bay
Now it's starting to feel like work
Because I have all these people watching what I say

I guess you can say it's my fault
Since I'm the one that posted them online
Maybe I'm just not meant to have something as simple as a peace of mind.

I only write when I'm sad
Cause I use my words to cope.
So what am I supposed to say
When I feel the slightest bit of hope?

Love poems and positive thoughts?
I've tried that but it's all been said
I start writing and all I can think about
Is the times I wanted a bullet in my head.

Pretty typical stanza coming from me
Everything I write is basically the same
Oh no, I broke down the fourth wall
Am I still a poet or am I stripped of that name?

This is not me giving this up
Its more of me finally giving in
I think we all saw this coming,
That it's time to drop this pen.

I want to say thank you
For all your love and support.
And if anyone is saddened by this
Just know that I'm not sad anymore.

There's a ghost in my room
That sings me to sleep
Whispering in my ear
A sweet symphony

With a simple melody
That has a heart mending remedy
But the words that it sings
I can't remember for the life of me

The voice is familiar
But can't put it to a face
I remember something similar
When my mind was in a better state

All I can hope
Is that it never leaves
Because if it were to depart
I don't know how I would sleep

I'm afraid to have kids
What if they get my depression
Or addiction
Or ******* alcoholism?
What am I supposed to say to them?

"Sorry kiddo,
**** it up.
You'll soon find out,
Life just ******* *****"

It's just not fair
To pass on an ongoing burden
To watch my kid suffer
Knowing that I can't relieve them

They're supposed to be protected
But I can't save them from themself
It just kills me to think
That we'd be drinking from the same well

What kind of father would I be
If I so carelessly
Had myself an offspring
That grew up to be just like me?