She cries late
                  every night
     Turns off all the
                           lights
         Sits in bed
bawls
             her eyes out
      in the dark
Cutting out pieces
      of her heart
No one can see
                          the scars
           of her sewing
back up her chest
       Soon she will be
             an empty shell
        Hopefully
                    putting her soul to rest
If her heart
                    is no longer there
It can't get broken,
              right?
If no one can see
                          the tears
Then she never cried,
                     right?

August 29, 2014
That was the first day of BIO 201 lab.
The first day for a lot of things actually
Like meeting the first who met my standards
Or meeting my very first college crush

Silly isn't it?
How it all sounds like it's high school again
But, from that day on, I couldn't stop saying his name
Gabe this, Gabe that, or Gabe (insert something nice here)
I remember I'd always tell my best friend
About how smart he was

It was the kind of brilliance that was contagious
It made you want to push yourself to be better
He was so intellectually stimulating
That it was inspiring and endearing to watch
I wanted to surround myself by people like him
I wanted to be surrounded by him
I never really thought much about it

It never came to mind why I spoke so much about him
Why all I see are the goods, even from his flaws
I wanted to know more about him
Until now...
Because now I know...
That maybe...
Just maybe...
I like him.

I am
                             A dancer
                             A writer
                             An artist
                             A musician
A creator
                             But if you
                             Wanted
                             To see
What I create
                             A dance
                             A story
                             A painting
                             A song
I would
                             Refuse
                             Turn Red
                             Stall
                             and Deflect
Your attention
                             Because
                             I am
                            Afraid
                            My creations
Will let you
                            Judge me
                            Criticize me
                            Hate me
                            Mock me
They are
                            A piece of me
                            A thought
                            An emotion
                            A fleeting moment
And they are
                            Mine
So if I show you
                            I trust you
Please don’t betray my trust

I don't wear makeup.
I don't want to.
I don't want a pretty face,
Smiling and nodding,
Lulling you into a false sense of security.

Children are being ****** out by their own parents!
People are being murdered by the officials meant to protect them!
There are people so scared of their emotions they would rather die than confront them!



And you're ****** because I don't meet the beauty standards you adopted from our society?


Everyone is being forced to say sorry
And smile
And giggle
To make themselves and others believe that the superficial problems they face are dire
And that when they solve that they've accomplished something
And that everyone is just swell.

Not me.


I'm more blessed than I'll ever know
More fortunate than I'll ever appreciate and I'll do my best to save everyone,
To fix what is wrong.

So if I become over zealous
And ***** up my face
And disturb you
And force you to reconstruct your worldview
I'm not apologizing

And if you hope to take solace on beauty afterwards
To seek comfort on the familiar
My face still won't be made up

Sleepless nights
moon beams loveless
empty ache within
lost im realms unseen

Softly it kills
swiftly it finishes
consistent and nightly
sweet dreams diminishes

Clouds of shadows
hide the sparkle in my eyes
dilated pupils in the dark
silently eaten apart

Admired but unaccepted
too much yet never enough
wanted but unworthy
embraced yet soon given up

No rest and no restlessness
breathing the darkness numb
these are my consequences
my scars, my secret wars

Sleepless beauty
damsel in distress
bound upon a tower
my heart and I
both longing for slumber