Ever been lonely in a crowd or within a group of friends?
well I have and I can tell you exactly how it feels.
It feels like grasping on straws, like forced conversations.
It feels like waiting for an opening every two minutes to get a joke in so everyone can laugh and maybe then they won't notice that you don't get their inside jokes,that you don't fit.
It feels like sadness, all the time, from the moment you get there to the minute you leave,
like wanting to cry all day, yeah I mean all day, including during the jokes, the laughter, the games, all of it.
It feels like wanting to walk away but having to stay because by God I won't be that pathetic girl sitting alone during breaks,I won't.
It feels like constantly defending your views,
like ultimatums,
like conditions.
It feels like talking all day but crying yourself to sleep at night because you have no one to talk to.

I want to disappear sometimes,
not because I feel my work on this earth is done
no.
Because at least then I wouldn't be present just by name,
to be overlooked ever passing day.
So much joy it would bring me to no longer be seen,
for when has my being seen ever mattered anyways?
how easy it would be to just disappear,
at least then being invisible would be the norm
and wouldn't cut as deep as it does.
how nice it would be to no longer exist.

See I have to ignore what you say,
because I'd never be happy if my happiness was tied to your opinion of me.
You don't think too highly of me ,do you?
The loudness of your voice when you speak,
You don't think me too bright,do you?
I finally realise that it's pointless trying to be the best of me,
you don't want me.
You fell in love with the idea of me,
an illusion of what I could be, an illusion of my own creation fabricated with long nails, perfect make up and clothes to match.
I hid my imperfections,
foolishly thinking you'd dig until you found my truth,
that you'd see beyond my mask and heal my scars,
but now that your love is gone,
it's clear to me that the only person I should learn to love is me.

Religion has taken over my life, even in its non existence in mine.
I try my hardest to ignore it but everyday it is shoved down my throat by one person to the next.
I wish there was a pause button for the questions that flood my mind. I don't want to be ruled by an idea I can't even wrap my head around, yet because of years of indoctrination,
ongoing indoctrination,I find it almost impossible to break away from these shackles that imprison me.
I'm scared,
scared that any move I make will be the wrong one,
I just don't know what to believe!
Is it so much to ask, for religion to not exist at all in my life,
for me not to hear, read and be confronted by it every waking minute of the day?
Because I swear it is so exhausting spending all your time trying to figure out what is real and what is not.
I'm frustrated and angry,
******!
why wasn't I indoctrinated well enough from childhood!
I wish it were done so well that I too would find every excuse in the world not to question my beliefs, that it would make perfect sense in my head.
Why must I be "woke", people say it as if it's a good thing, as if it's an achievement but really it's a curse.
A confused life is emotionally taxing,
it drains me. I spend so many nights crying about it,
I hate that I have fought my whole life to be free of it,
but years later, here I am, in exactly the same spot as before.

Assignments, tests, exams,
I spent my days behind a desk.
White shirt, black skirt,
yes, all I do is type and page.
Oh, don't worry,
they're very fond of reminding me what a disappointment I am to humanity,
me who elects to be a well paid slave in someone else's company,
me with no good ideas.
Funny,
I've been down this road before, I've faced this criticism before,
but I was not deterred, not me,
I'll work hard and I'll be successful, that'll show them.
They told me I was destined for great things as they handed out trophies of merit on that stage,
I believed them,
they lied.

You told me you cared for me,
until I fell apart,
then you kept finding excuses why you couldn't be there for me.
So i started making them too,
because your absence only compounded my pain,
showed me how alone I was before you.
I feel betrayed by you,
how dare you!
how dare you watch me at my worst and then leave like the rest?
I trusted you!
Put the last glimmer of hope in you
so now what do I do?

Hope, you treacherous thing!
You keep me pining,
waiting,
fighting.
Pieces of me keep disappearing between her cracks,
I'll never get them back,
let me loose before there's nothing left.

I had a moment with a three year old today,
I was putting him to bed, he was wailing and fighting,
he didn't want to leave his cousin and his games.
I had a moment where I looked straight into his eyes and reassured him that everything is going to be okay,
I looked into his eyes and he stopped crying,
I realized something in that moment, he trusts me.
I don't think I have ever felt anything more fulfilling,
I had a moment with a three year old today.

Every time my eyes rest on him I sigh a little and smile,
wow he's beautiful.
I stare for as long as I can before he turns or looks aside then I must look away ,
he can never know.
Tall, with a smile that makes my day, that confident strut and almost brooding look that affects me a little too much, he gets to me.
In my head I create encounters that will never occur, I imagine us as so much more, I hope I exist in your world too.

Awkward ,
I don't know what to say to you ,
forcefully concealed anger has rendered me speechless .
Mentally constructed essays of hurt , disappointment and pain, speeches I'll never say .
We all know who's to blame ,
but we walk on eggshells, remembering what's right to say.
Tension plagues our home ,
it's the weight of unassigned blame ,
hanging in the air ,
no one brave enough to drop it on its rightful heir.

Here's a little secret,
The world doesn't know what it wants.
It'll glorify you today and then ridicule you the very next for the exact same thing,
you will never be happy living for the world,
it won't let you, believe me I've tried.
You'll be the poster child for beauty today and then tossed out the next,
school will be the best thing for you today and then the worst tomorrow,
corporate is powerful,
the cornerstone of success today,
tomorrow it's boring and you're pegged a mindless robot.
So stop looking to the world,
It's a mess.

Bitterness hugs my heart,
jealousy tugs at me,
constantly working hard but no big breaks for me.
Giving it my all to no avail, how come?
How do bad girls with good hair surpass me when all I'm doing is what's right?
I'm trying so hard to break free but despair keeps welling up inside me, giving up would be so easy but even that is not an option for me.
Why do others get dealt the winning hand from birth?
Is struggle suppose to be synonymous to me?
Hard work is not all its cracked out to be,
unfortunately that's my reality.

I have a friend,
he utters no words,
he passes no judgements.
He is my companion through the darkest of nights,
and in my most joyous delights.
He's stable,
dependable,
even as the world retreats, often abhorred by the essence of me
he keeps his place,
he is pen and paper,
he is poetry.

I need to let go because I never fell in love with me and  I keep looking for people to do it for me,
I need to realise that I'm flawed, not them,
that my burdens are mine alone to weigh.
I've spent so long blaming the people I loved for breaking my heart, but really, I doubt it was ever whole to begin with ,
I think my love for them was nothing but a convenience to me,
sadly, it never was to them, god!
How they loved me so fearlessly, how some fought so hard I felt ashamed of my inability to love them back.
It was about me, always about me,
yet somehow I convinced myself to mourn the loss of something that had never been, still kept up the pretence of heartbreak when they left, how did I always end up the victim of fact?

I mean I never expected loyalty, but wow,
I thought you'd at least stay past morning coffee,
that your words would last in the clarity of day,
that they weren't but the mist of our breaths in the warm hold of your embrace,
that for once I was good enough to make you stay,
anyone,
someone
stay.

You approach me in broad daylight,
a nice sweet guy you seem,
but I flinch when you say hi,I don't reply,
I'm scared of you.
You find me in the rain, clothes soaked , hair a mess,
kind and caring you seem
as you roll your window down and offer me a ride,
but I run, full speed ahead, I don't look back
I'm scared of you.
In the night time , I hate walking alone,
but with independence at stake I brave the night in terror,
with my dignity at stake I fight through the fear,
hesitant steps I take,
I'm always scared of you.

I wanna pray today,
but who do I pray to?
I'm distraught,
heartbroken,
How I wish I had that crutch today,
but i gave it away.