Please love me, although I have loved before.
Please know that even if
I have worshiped foreign hands,
Marveled at constellation eyes,
Shed tears for other minds and hearts
That tore from me some brutal, awesome love,
Know that nobody has ever made me feel safe
For any measurable length of time.
That not one of them ever stopped in the midst of kissing me to say
"You are just so beautiful."
The way you did, Lover,
2
3
4 times,
Just yesterday.
That all the flowers I ever gave them,
All the gifts and poems and artwork
All those things to show my love
Were tolerated
The way the sun is tolerated on a blistering summer day
Because to escape from it would be too difficult.
Know that I always knew that,
Felt it from them,
Felt shame for it.
And no matter how many photographs I have obsessively taken
Of a face I thought they must have molded the face of the sun after in every ancient carving,
Know that she never wanted me to see her.
And that that
COUNTS.
You looking up at me from those white sheets, Lover,
And never glancing away in embarrassment or apprehension
Counts:
Skin
Counts
To someone who has been held at arm's length for so many years.
Kisses count,
And I count them, every single one soothing the ache of the losses I never asked
To suffer.
It is true, you are not my first love.
But never have you pushed me away.
Never have you shut me down,
Never
Have you been cruel to me.
And all this
I find it counts
More than the awe I felt for those who would abuse me,
More than the fear and loss and devotion and destruction that they demanded
And then blamed me for the consequences of.
Although I have loved before,
Please, please, please love me now,
For that is something you can be
First at,
Lover.

Oh to flee
to spider jump from one skyscraper to
the next
Holding the reflections
of the city panes
in my pocket
Electric energy a blanket
to my bones
Oh to flee
to dart through redwood
forests
until feet become fir
legs become outstretched
oak limbs
and arms become ascending jays
drifting higher and higher into a "v"
of vulnerability
Oh to flee
to swim through the heavy Atlantic
diving deeper into the open
and rest softly among the algae floor
to feel the schools of fish swift
weaving from my mane
braiding the space between my fingers
Oh to feel alive
Sweet sweet escape
I can taste your salt on my lips
I can feel your softness in the swing of my gate
I can almost hold your beauty in my hands
If I could only own you
and make you mine

I find it very strange
how we are all made
from the same elements
formed out of stardust
shaped bones covered in skin
so how come
some girls are pretty

And I'm not

long thin nails breaking free from shape at every scab brains arrange

your lips are crooked in a mouth full of lies
you are trying to get out of something that just can't you  deny.

liquify throats and swallow them into you,
it still won't stop the scream
for the truth of what you do.

trees cut down taking away all but stump,
paved roads covering nothing less than lungs.

drain down the water from every
kitchen sink,
still never will you submerge every word that ever reached.

narrowing through veins leaving oxygen levels plummeting.

moon's story of the light from the sun,
dimming before any eyes can adjust.

marrow spread within clinging to the undesirable,
keeping bones apart.

joints independent
with commands let by without an answer
leaving me with motionless moves.

Ahab was searching for a reason to live
Ahab was searching for his big win.

Ahab was searching and boy did he find
That finding is bad and now nothing is fine.

Every man
I have ever
Loved
Admired
Or even
Respected
Has in some way degraded me
Unforgivably.
This is why I prefer to meet them in passing,
As shadows with hard fingers and
Leers
Or as ghosts with an extra tip
For the pretty waitress.
I cannot love
Admire
Or even
Respect them
If I really see their faces.
So I don't
Look.