I would rip all the doors
From their rusty hinges
I would scale those walls
That you built around you
take down my own..
Nothing compares to you
In this breath..
In this shiver
Running down my spine
Nothing compares...
For you, I would

I'm going to live on the beach
And I'll be happy forever

like sunsets and sunrises
The places where dark meets light
Their beautiful backs turned
As one washes over the other
Clashing at the horizon,
Always out of reach
To put my hand against the seam
To feel what holds you together
To see you in art
To hear you in music
To read you in poetry
I am quite convinced
You are magic

Sick of trying
Sick of waiting
Snap it shut
Watch the dust rising
Pick up another
But your page is always marked
Makes me feel
Like a John green girl
you were like
Tyler Knott poetry
That book is closed now..
John green girls are
Irresistibly broken
You were too much to want
Don't think I deserve you
I know my tenses are disjointed
that's how you make me feel
I don't know what I can do
To stop taking you off this shelf
You were always leaving marks
In my dust

It's the hour of light
Windows to the soul
curtains are drawn
Shapes on them
Casting characters
Seconds when you wake up
'fore dreams rot to reality
Incandescent
Ghosts dance in memory
Catching breaths
One too many
Strings always snap
Puppets break
Like shattering illusions
I'm left holding
Pieces of you
That never existed

there was never enough you
to make up for me
i got tangled in the web of lines
that run down your palm

trying to tell yourself
"I'm fine, I don't care"
But all the hurt festers
Turns a thing that once was pure
Into the fruit of a vine that grew sour
While you're in denial
The cat's away
And the mice will play
When the filter gets stripped
from your eyes
And you realise
You've been seeing color
where it's black and white..

My thoughts form organically
Flowing paths like rivers
The easiest way is down
So down we go
Breath held
And eyes shut
This machine doesn't sleep
Chugging in spirals
blowing off steam
Red lines run through conscious minds
And walls are built around panic triggers
I'm always waiting...
Stave it off for a moment
While I catch my breath
Strive to deal chronologically
But sequences are only patterns
And those are fabrics of being
I am what I am
I've only started seeing..

that line from that song
"maybe you could've been
something I'd be good at"
resounding when I close the door
seeing you around every corner
my brain keeps screaming no
you've been burned before
But I still see you
and it's always empty
after the 90 degree.
it didn't end, it stopped
I'd take flames over ice...

Didn't be, Couldn't see
Between maybes..
Think I lie when I say
I don't care..
But I've tried,line won't fray
Don't you dare
Judge my choices, I chose my vices
I've paid my prices..

I'm lonely but I'm free
Didn't sell out for packaged love..

Can anyone feel I need someone?
Will the darkness sink
Like clouds of sand in the ocean?
I need to be told
I'll be okay
But everyone left
Because I told them to
They wanted love
All I could give
Was attention.
Is there a way to be alright?
I'm broken in ways
That can't be described..
What do you call a person
Who started reading poetry
To understand what life should feel like?
I'm sure there's a category..
What I wouldn't give
To unring that bell..
Are there words that can be said
To make this darkness sink
Like clouds of sand?

Stuck in the same destructive cycle
Get lost in the shadows that define it
Heart beats a descriptive thud
Mind finds some comfort
In the familiar rejection.
Invisible hands press on my shoulders
Voices whisper in my ear:
Open your eyes girl
You were never good enough
That's why they always leave you
That's why they don't want you.
Every time I close my eyes
There's another thing I've failed at..
All the thoughts clutter down
Like tin cans falling through a chute
In need of distraction
I fall back into the rhythm
The cycle of destruction..
Trying to shut it all out
But rocking myself in the darkness
Only makes it grow louder
I'm not good enough
I'm a fraud
I'm a failure...
Don't let them get to know me
I'm a mess underneath the skin

This is why
I want to live under the stars
No walls no echoes
There's a place there
For people like me

It's empty on the other side
There was you
then there was nothing..

Fictional nostalgia
Hearts that beat slower

Calm the swelling tide
I still look at you
Like you're everything

This is one for the one I haven't met
It will all click and fall into place
Forces will mold
Broken pieces will be rebuilt
Eyes will see
Hearts will feel
And mouths will speak
Of all the joys to behold
When lips will touch
Hearts will beat
Eyes will shut
Broken spirits will be scattered
As the forces mold
You and I into stars of space
Like them, it takes a few light years
To see our magic

Mental tirades play out
Behind dilated pupils
And blank expressions..
I say hello and how's the latest you been up to?
But I'm pounding my fists on your chest
wondering If it'll ever be less true..
That you don't think I'm worth a second
Fine, I think I finally get it
this turmoil is nothing more than a stipend I'm owed
I always decide ; I'm over it
Then you walk in the door.

Lately it seems to me
The world is moving in black and white
I've only seen you one way
And everyone is beautiful in half light
It's clear as can be
I'm alone in this..
I Try on hidden envy for a mask
Try to logic my way from holding on
But masks become cloaks
And everything stays on the inside
All my thoughts are of darkness
'cause I've been denied the light
Been living in heavy contrast
And I just wanted some grey
You've never loved me, that's okay..
I'll learn to walk my path someday
As soon as I earn some scars and such
stumbling over these volumes of poetry
I've been lost in finding grey
Pounding on walls I thought were doors,
No one on the other side
My echo never infected you..
I was always alone in this..
Eyes on your back as you walk away..
Been living in heavy contrast
You were my only hope
While I stumbled through
These volumes of poetry.

You are a universe within a body
And I am caught in your gravity
Spinning, I've had a few too many
Almosts with you, in doses so small
I didn't know I was hooked
Being drawn in on the line
Pulled out of my atmosphere
The world was beautiful out there
But I couldn't breathe that air..

Walk faster and faster
Hoping you can leave it behind
But it turns every corner with you.
squeeze your eyes shut, pull at your hair
It all stays firmly in existence..
burning me..
room too big, too empty
For wandering thoughts
It's a dark, creeping whisper
.....I've ruined it all.....
Grows louder and louder
until it's pounding
It's way out of my ribcage
The darkness will hold me
Against it's beating chest like a child
Til the Sun doesn't ignite misspoken words..
Or alter the meaning of truth spoken amidst lies..
Beat in time with me
I fear I've been falling through an empty tunnel..

a moment away from today,
the broken memory seems only
mere breaths since yesterday..
versions swim in my head
like images in broken glass
and I've taken on a fade
since yesterday passed..
I fall through you like sand
leaving traces that can't be made whole..
I rearrange the glass
I don't meet up at the seams
the image is still shattered
and the sand is still clinging
to the memory of you
that is falling through my head
like yesterday
in this moment
Before today

He says I'm the kind of girl
Everyone falls in love with..
He shakes his head,
Says not everyone.
Starts to think
Why he wouldnt...
Our friends talk
"We'd be good together"
But he sizes me up
And shows nothing at all.
"You should get together
Make everyone happy"
Looks at me,across the room
Says, "the pressure"
"You'd have the most beautiful kids"
Then he says " you're too weird"

I'm in a state of disrepair
Switched off all the lights
Stayed beneath these layers
Hoping days would turn into nights
And the count would cease..

Can't even stand to look at you
face won't hide what I'm going through
I'm mad at myself for being
Life was better when I wasn't feeling
Now it's all too much
And tears are always close enough to touch..

Can't blame
Blissful ignorance
Elizabeth bennet blindness
Tore a hole in me

And I'm left wishing
I'd never learned to use my heart
The trouble I've been through
I hope it's worth it

i catch myself sad
stopping mid sentence
wanting to shed a solitary tear
then i disappear
back inside my colorful shell
my empty laugh reverberates
and the walls grow closer
uncle claims i'm bipolar
somethings cant be unfelt
i cant be unbetrayed
so i talk too much
i say too little
i lie.
back inside my colorful shell,
the walls are crushing me..

the tarmac becomes fascinating
the way my shoes look against it
you can love the feather, obsess over her
i felt your heart dance to the feather's beat..
made something grow inside me
you light up,
the sky falls, mixes with my yellow skin
I'm green..
you pick her up, swing her around
suddenly, i feel like a prisoner
i cant stop watching, cant stop thinking
but the sun is shining and i cant start crying
four walls and locked doors aren't safe enough
i'll never be free....

God i've tried to let you go

I feel I'm going to discover I'm a fool
You're telling me you're giving up
You say you're tired of waiting for me
I say it's like we're breaking up
You say I wouldn't know it..
I start to think you're too nice
should tell me how wretched I am
Instead you say:
"People always bend backwards for you"
I'm stuttering claiming it's not true..
You're leaving just as I started living
I want to tell you to stay but I know this is right, you leaving me is right...
I like to have my path disappear around the bend, for you and I, that was the end..
We said we'd climb a mountain together.
Travel the world in a Fibonacci sequence
Till we made it to space, the milky way..
You asked me once from what I was made, called me a rainmaker..
We made sense, I can't explain
Why you leaving seems right...
the storm Will always conjure your name

"If you love it, let it go"

The last thing I'd want
Is freedom from you
I've knocked on a dozen doors
With my unbound hands
Still I come back, begging ..
to drag your shackles by my feet..
different scenarios cause a phantom pain
Yet under blue skies, it all stays the same..

I changed and you lived
change was death,
oblivion was static..

If you're ever looking
for someone who loves you
Come and find me..

I will ask no questions
I do not promise empathy
Only presence..
What you feel is uniquely your own
And I am witness..

I don't claim to understand you
I don't think there is such a thing
How can I know how time shifts around you?
How can I know how you carry a world inside you?
If you're ever looking for someone who loves you,
I hope you find me

Taught that flowers were meant to be plucked
That they were just things to be looked at
How can I not die in a world like that?
For I myself was only a plant
Full of life yet devoid of it..
This is why I wont be silent

Try to keep a beautiful thing, and it dies..

I am a seed, unsatisfied
Always reaching with both hands
One for heaven, the other for darkness
To be uprooted or to be swallowed whole
Or to stay in the middle and avoid the fall
This is why I do not move

Pull on a chain long enough, the links come apart..

I'm drifting from my metaphors
Started writing without a direction
I see in my own words
All the pointless confusion
All the revelations
Of my inner most thoughts
Think to myself
This must make God sad..

Do you see, do you see the links coming apart?

Well, this isn't a poem
but since you are poets
I figure you understand..
is it crazy to be constantly
thinking about someone
who probably never thinks of you that way..
and to close all doors just in case theirs opens..
I swear, I believe with all of me
That we were meant to be
is it crazy to think I love someone
not because of anything they've said or done but just because they exist..
I just want him to be everything..
does it matter what I want?
is it all in my head..
I think I'm making all of it up in my head..
but what if
What if it could be real?
one day, isn't so far away..

I'm sorry to have left you for so long
And before I leave you alone...
I think I must point out...
That you've called yourself dumb and stupid and everything inbetween
And you've been lying....
I don't know how to help you....
Be kind to yourself....
You're amazing
Why didn't you call me?
Are you okay?
Just don't do it...
It's not worth it
You'd be surprised
You should be on the other end of some of your.....
I've said too much
I don't mind
Just come home safe
Why ?
Why have you become mob fuzzy
Right
Don't over think life
[9/1, 23:43]  Trust me

Doesn't seem to matter
Where this road leads
And we believe in angels
But With shadows we plead
To flip the switch
Turn off the guilt
Our feet smell of beer
And our hair of cigarettes
They don't judge us
But we judge ourselves
For treading the beaten path
And even the sky fills with ash
Blocking out the angels
They all thought we were
Somewhere in there
I still yearn for purity

Just crawling through the barbed wire
The pieces inside me ache
I can't help but crave the misery

I'm frantically scratching your name on a beer can..
Trace my fingers over the dents
'cause I can't see you in the darkness

Can't shake the feeling this is all wrong
Because it isn't you
I'm not partial to self harm
But I cut away the pieces he loves
Because you don't

I'm begging God for you..
I don't want to survive you....

no justice in this love
Doesn't want me close
Wants me too close
Guilty for staying here
Guilty for staying there
Pulled apart and put together
Stretched too thin and crammed in a box
Pound on the sides, can't find my way out
Of this paper jail, of this thick air...
Wall around you I can't get through
Bricking me in, you're too close
Lying beside you, you're too far
Might as well flinch at my touch
My fault, loved you too much
Didn't love you enough.

Touches her, touches him
Hold hands, I can hear me scream
Take away what was mine
Trouble seems to be on time
between light and darkness
I stretch like a shadow
Hoping it will hurt less
When I find he's hollow
Possibilities turn to insecurities
Beating hearts go wild
As words become oathes
And fierce fires burn mild

In secret from afar
They'd all swear I'd differ
In everyway, everyday..
The ink stains all these thoughts
Like hope and it's all for naught
And the swirl of the eddy
That was your written name
Poisons what holds me steady
And I'm drunk on the fame
Of being an idea
Some day soon
I'd be all you hold dear
All in secret from afar
'Cause you're all that's fair
And I'm all that's forbidden..
I couldn't bear to have you beaten
By the lies of my tongue
And my fickle heart..

Thoughts never made it to my hands
Should have never taken the chance
Now I'm on a one way road
Can't stop to shed the load
And looking back, it all seems to shrink
Yet I'm stuck, somewhere in between..

Almost is my favourite place to be
Between a rock and a warm place
Won't let them all know me
It's called defensible space
Except for one, if only he could hold me..

But distance isn't measured
in meters with you
And time, well seconds and hours never suited you
your name's a spell I utter quite often
One more day, keep my doors open..

Have you ever looked at a person
And known that's who you'd love
And never hold back?
When I saw you I knew
Time was a useless construct...
And right now,
Almost is my favourite place to be..

Ask yourself
In every breath
In the silence between thoughts
In the whisper before the fear died
When your heart beat flutters
like the wings of a bird
before it takes flight
............................
Do you believe?

I write sometimes
Of the monster I've become
And there
in the highway of pages
I find comfort
In counting mile markers
Each marking how far I fall
Setting sail for denial
Fill my sails with a liar's breath..
In the morning when I wake,
I'll rub a blind man's sleep from my eyes
Reciting a hypocrite's creed
Believing it..

The world was running
From its point of view
While I closed my eyes
To myself and focused
On all the people I could be
Why pick one person
When you can be everyone?
Except everyone becomes
The person that you are
And like the earth
You're spinning on an axis
Chasing your tail
Moving so fast
The stars aren't points
they blur into sharp lines
Just like photographs
Your shutter was open too long
And you we're double exposed..
Everyone shows on your no one

Love you in a way
You can't possibly understand
Impermanent like an artist's charcoal
Always present always changing shape
Staining and marring, yet making clear
That which you think but cannot say
And I find comfort in the cryptic
If you can find your way through
I'll see you on the other side

The pain draws you nearer
Won't need me
If I don't need fixing
I feel like I'm going to
Have to keep running
Towards the edge
So you can keep
Pulling me back
From it..
Do I have to cast myself
Into the storm
So we can dance in the rain?
Do I have to jump
So we can fly?

all to run away
All toward to run
Destructive spirals
Ride them ever on
and all the way down
Take the bus with me
Spinning slowly
Out of orbit
Ever away, Ever toward
You're my toxic medicine..

Breathing seems hard
I stitch the leather
That covered my skin
The day I almost died
I watch my skin purple
As it bruises over mistakes
Read words penned
Only shadow brings light
I crave one for the other..
A little death for a little life.

Craving sustenance
the ones and zeroes
are all but fickle
Yet so easily forgotten.
Forgetting I held on
The blue strings
Woven in the air
Connected me and you
And I swore I would never
And I swore forever.
There you were,
Forgetting..

I call her the shadow dancer,
punished with hope..
She twirls with reflections,
and shadows on her broken feet..
She struggles to remain beautiful,
to perpetuate the stereotype..
She leaps, weightless into the heavy air,
pointed broken feet, hiding the pain..
Odessa, the swan in her lake,
flying, oblivious....