I love the smell of that oil
the one I rub in your hair
the one that clings to my hands
and to my skin
slowly seeping in
I can almost hear it.....
nestle in my molecules
becoming
becoming you.

I love the sound of that door
the one that scrapes
on the hardwood floor
the one that announces me
and lets me in slow..ly
I can almost see it
lodging in my brain.
becoming,
becoming you.

I love the taste of that lavender
the one that we killed...
the one that clung to your breath
and to your fingertips
delicate
I can almost smell it
settle in my bones...
becoming,
becoming you.

Doesn't seem to matter
Where this road leads
we believe in angels
But With shadows, we plead
To flip the switch
Turn off the guilt.

Our feet smell of beer
our hair of cigarettes
They don't judge us
we judge ourselves
For treading the beaten path
And even the sky fills with ash
Blocking out the angels
we thought we were

Somewhere in there
Through lashes that imprison light,
I painted scars, Where skin never broke.
It was a stifling work of empty
I wanted to breathe nothing less,
nothing else.

promise...
not to take away the pain,
if I do not hate the rain,
then what do I have?

I develop
an aversion To being alone
A penchant for tinted glass
an affinity to poetry

I say "I'm finding yourself"
But I'm really running away
From the things, I let go
But they never went far.

promise...
not to let go of the pain,
if I do not hate the rain,
then what do I have?

Have you ever felt that?
When you intend to blink
But your eyes stay closed
Longer and longer
Walking blindly
In familiar halls
the walls seem
Much much closer
While your thoughts
Loom larger larger
Consuming
The air that you breathe
So you stay awake
Not to stir
The beast that sleeps
That plays on a loop
On eyelids shut
You crave distraction
Brief escapes
That keep you from falling
from scratching
The skin off your bones
The longer you blink
The longer you see

I think he loves me
Maybe only a little
Maybe the way
I stopped loving him

I think he loves me
Like a moon
Shrouded in mist
Like the air
Before it rains

I feel guilt
For thinking
For knowing
For imagining
He loves me

I can no longer
Think him
Know him
Imagine him,
love him....

I think he loves me
I think he could have
If he wanted to..
Once upon a moon..
If he loves me
I think its too late

You seek to destroy
Everything that loves you..
Spreading the darkness within
Wont make it grow lighter..
I know you're broken
I know you're hurting
I cant be the one to fix you
I cant be the one to swim
In the depths of your mind
I cant be dragged down with you.
The truth is
I never really loved you.

I am fine with losing you

My eyes burn
Out of focus
Trying to wrap
Thoughts in form.

You felt familiar,
Like an old lover.
My body and mind
found another,
As did yours..
But I find that I stand
Close to you.
Too close....
I see smoke in those eyes
Maybe there's a fire
You haven't quite learned
to put out..
The day you said there was none
I've never felt so heavy
On a rooftop, small and discarded
She said you were too afraid
To set the forest ablaze
And I...
For a moment..
I was running after you,
turning back..

But if you wanted me,
You would have found me.

I don't know if I can forget you
Not when I still see that smoke
You pretend doesn't exist

how can i breathe?
i sit at the kitchen table
but i still see the blood from a month ago
where you were shot with your own gun..
how is death do casual?
"papa used to..."
every day is another day
i don't get to see you
i dont go out into the rain anymore
i remember that phone call
an "accident" they called it
and i walked a mile in a storm
never to see you again.

i saw you in my dream
both you and i knew you were gone
we stayed out all day and you bought an abstract wall
you winked knowingly because
"what am i gonna need the money for"
i heard you think..
in that moment, you said the best and the worst goodbye
i truly knew that when i woke up, you'd always be gone
you were sad, you smiled though..
you knew and came back
one last goodbye
you knew you were shot
and i didn't get there in time.
i've slept in your bed ever since
no matter what i do
you haven't come back since

Wear all the pretty candy colours
Transparent eyes behind
Swinging Rainbow braids
I try to wear life
Death is eating me alive
There is no hiding
The storm always
Waiting in the wings
Underneath which
I thought I was safe
I was after all the eagle's child
Marked in blue ink on his shoulder
Leaning on walls thousands have leaned on
How many tears have these mirrors seen?
Flick those stormy eyes upward
The brown watered down
Like a second coffee from the same grounds..
Do they see how dark the world has become?
Planting one foot in front of the other
Grey sneakers through rainbow braids
I hold onto the sound, its sanity..
Everything else feels
Like im being held underwater

I'm just tired, you know?
Boxed in, believing in "no"
The world don't listen when i say go
but wants to go faster when i say slow.
this rhyme seems tired already
four lines in...
i wanted to be meaningful
but im disastrously unravelling
a beautiful mess of a metaphor
for the state i feel stuck in
hoping for some life
to come out of death
everything has slowed down
i cant seem to see past scarred eyes
that see no more
than tarnished memories
i started out with purpose
but its just no..
you know?
and could bes that'll never be.

its going to be a long way
to find you again.
i know your hands more
than i know your face,
the house is louder
at the same time, emptier
the echoes seem louder.
i dont have it in me anymore
i cant see except for closed doors
where it is empty, it is full.
these echoes are louder than the present
i want to breathe nothing less, nothing else.
promise not to take away the pain,
much too soon. much too soon.
living seems odd now

They say I'm crazy but how can they know
Time's moving faster but oh, they're so slow
Sleeping when they could be running with wolves
Open your eyes before the clock won't stop

You better
Lock the doors and turn the lights out
Close your ears to the voices in your head
There's walls that don't need breaking
But you turn the key, one more time

After the clouds have turned into rain
I stay in this t-shirt soaked to the skin
Shaking where I Stand for fear I'll come loose
The moon's painting shadows on my pallid skin

What'll it take?
To say you'll ache
For this open road?
What'll it take
To lose your mind just once?

Lock your door, turn your lights out
Close your ears to the voices in your head
These walls don't need breaking

That moment when you're scrolling through your phone and you realise you are utterly alone and all you want to do is cry for no reason or have someone tell you it's alright and it'll pass but there is literally no one you can tell about how you feel because you have no justification to feel that way.. am I alright?
Am I making this up?
So I stuff it down, I can think it away..
I just noticed I'm using different voices
Now I'm freaking out about that
****** how did this start?
Where's the ******* door?

Did you see something
Worth keeping?
A shell you pick up or a seed you plant?
Thoughts pattern your blue eyes
I think you're lonely in that crowd
When I see you, I think "I love you"
But what is it to love so easy?
The love I give to what is denied
Feels purer than that deserved
Yes, I say "love" for what is purer than sight?
If I say nothing else, I'll say "I see you"
You don't need to swim near the surface
You're scared of what you're looking for
I can help you come out the other side
But first you have to trust me..

Crazy maybe gypsy eyes tinted coffee
See much but do they say as such?
Can you read or can you feel?
Paper and ink don't seem to catch

Listen
.............
I see you

So I loved you the same
Underneath the foggy stars
Your stripes burned into my skin
The first time I touched heaven
And I loved you
Though I taught myself not to
When you said nothing
To my wells of everything
I loved you the same
'neath flashing neon lights
Thumping baselines and breathing
that icy veneer you claim is care
I see it now, but I love you the same

Let's not fade too fast
From white through to black
In the space between
where palms breathe quiet touch
the fabric of being
Soft, slow and steady
Pulse, heat, electric
won't put a clock on becoming
Life is not sand, held by gravity
We are freefall, we are infinite
"Lets not fade too fast, too sudden"
Said the comma to the colon
turning to the last inked leaf
Before those that fall into place
writer to watcher
Walking on tightropes
Rooted feet do not fall too far
Come walk this crooked line
Let it bow under weight
Inching further to see
What it'll take to snap

She says hellos laced with laughter
Like ice cubes in whisky
Punctuated with silence
gave it to a wolf
Because the sheep wanted not
For smoke stained lips
And embroidered skin
Drenched in sweat
And the smell of strangers
Deer running with wolves
Doe eyes hidden under
Rainbow ray bans
a world of frayed conversation
yarn that needed to be burned
A fire to cure all guitar strings
To fuse the seams of broken hearts.

Empty, dripping faucets
See color everywhere but here
Airwaves, stolen words
Feels a little better now..
She plans to ruin it all..
Don't you know?
She'd push you lest you fall
Sees today pink and hot
Through eyelids closed
No thunder could rip that veil
You're barely a whisper
Scratching the surface
Of a sun waiting to explode
On winds that will wail
For a moon that was her sister
a mumble couldnt replace
And This life Will be an ode
To it's own destructive rebirth
Clutching her in both hands
As thunder echoes her name

I know time doesn't stop
When we want it to
never accepted love
I didn't have to beg for
Now you say
You don't want more
But I play
The worn tape once more
I break my own hurt
We don't get the ones we want
Say we learn to love the ones we get
Who wants a love like that,
Cold and unafraid?
Love is a threat, love is a weapon
Don't tell me different
My hands on his body were not enough
It's an enemy we don't understand
Just like that forsaken loop of a tape
Taunting me with images of alternates
Stuff a sock down its proverbial mouth
With eyelids squeezed tightly shut
They never fall for a pure heart
What about one stained black
With dashed hope and excuses to let go
What was it?
Love is a weapon, love is threat
You've taken away
I feel as though I am nothing

Have you ever wanted to scream
At the world, tell it:
To go **** itself
But choke on the words as they tumble out
Because you went from happy
To talking to the air in seconds
And asking why the hell
You're so ****** up
And the mind gives you no answers
You have no reason to be but you are
So you switch of the lights
And the panel in your skull
Tells you how to feel
And how to think
It tells you you are okay
You believe it
The sun comes up
But you still feel ****** up

dont need to understand why
been broken a thousand times
still dont cry for broken ties
or hope and ******* rainbows
refracting light and telling lies
you were fight, i was always flight

**** those words
**** these eyes these ears this heart
i'm a lunatic spelled on a moon
causing oceans to rise,
drag them back desolate
from the shore

cant write proper anymore
cant fill this hollow
it falls and falls
like things that are past
i threaten to breathe
this air feels like concrete..

you said to me
in that moment..
i was everything
that it didn't matter
what came after
i'd always be
in that moment..

Where do you draw the line
Between faith
And delusions of grandeur?

"None of this is now"
predetermined..
Name and skin like hers
We flow like rivers of words
Just a notch above her belt

Yet an idea of perfection
Clung onto..
Do you call that faith or delusion?
Acceptance akin to a betrayal of self
A hedonistic negligence of good sense..

He falls and I follow
I've got a safety net
But he'll definitely break
So I go after him

Predestination sits not well
On A creature of choice and control
Queries and misgivings
Don't make it any less real
But I'll forever question
If the choice was ever mine at all..

Does a believer's love
not contest the democracy
Allowed by chance?

It still remains that I can't explain

Falling on a whim
Of a delusional net
Where breaking
Is an inevitability..

You were both my world and it's destruction
But your eyes, there's nothing there
A glare that's grown colder and more wary
And you ask me, why don't you stay?
My stare has grown shorter and more angry
I ask you, what is there to save?

Loving you was like floating
On a twisting empty sea
Land in sight but out of reach..
I should have known
Your eyes were fixed
on a different horizon.

I breathe a little better
With paint under my fingernails
Than with words on my lips

I got tired of seeing a reflection
That was too true
Sometimes rose filters
Make the world seem a little warmer..

This doesn't rhyme or flow
But thoughts rarely do
What I'm saying is
When I can't sleep,
I won't be thinking of you..

I guess people fall apart
When they hold on too tight...
We forget to keep ourselves together...

I'm playing with figments
Stopped thinking in "wills" and
Started in the "could haves"
Of Door number 1..

Smacking my lips for a taste
Of last night's alcohol,
"Just as well," I tell the ghost of you
"You wouldn't like being here like this"
"Then why can you picture it so clearly?"
I hate them for not being you
Door number 2, it's a pity really..

I know you chose your path
And I remained at the fork
It's just sad to think
We won't get
To be here like this..

I'm playing with figments
Life doesn't fall like dominoes
Sometimes you flick a piece
And the rest remain still..

Clearly,
There's something wrong with me..
Don't know what I did
To have such rotten luck in love..
I tried, I tried.. I tried
But they're all hurt or they don't care..
I'm as alone as I've ever been.
Whoever you are, better come along
Before I destroy myself
Piece by piece
Trying to fit these puzzles
That supposedly make sense
I don't believe, I don't believe
It's hard to look okay
When everything inside you
Is screaming you're all wrong
you're not strong or brave or patient
You're just a pathetic coward
Holding onto people
Who clearly do not love you..
Pushing away the ones that do..
So whoever you are, do you see?
I need you to show up
Before all this
becomes who I am..

I can't take it, I can't, I just can't
I tried, I tried, I really did try.

The surface of me is overwhelming
The light within couldn't make it
Cracks ran too deep and all too thin..

Did you hear of the war woo?
I heard it once,
it rang as though a foreign tongue..
God, the sound of it
Felt like heaven...

I am reluctance
Walking a thin line
Between cowardice and foresight..

See I fell off that cliff once
My body couldn't take another no
I still feel anchored to the ground
On which I stood the first time
I wasn't enough..

Tell me, have you heard of the war woo?
I fear words aren't enough for you..

Eyes inch to closing
I watch the grey road race by
Through lashes that imprison light
I put another brick atop this wall
And wonder if it's worth the fight
I couldn't take it If once more
all the good intentions just meant no

Thousands of beads of rain fall
Never sinking into the right grounds
As hordes of seeds of thoughts die
Never really losing you
Never really keeping you

Impulses received as afterthoughts
I'm the person you deserve
When the door closes behind you

Were the crafted seconds to be
It would take but one for you to see
These hardened layers through
It takes just one to believe

Time passes
Seconds turn to years
The silence is beautiful
blanketing all
Like snow choking out all that's living
But glistening like gems in the light
This soul nestled inside the same bones

Yours..

When you stare long enough in the mirror
You start to think
the light doesn't fall quite right
You start to see the ugly things
You wonder if you are loved
In spite of or because of
It's not just lines or curves or surfaces
It's thoughts and memories and feelings
The things you let go
But they never went far..

Medusa's eyes your own
Turning you into stone
As you try to look away

You develop an aversion
To being alone
A penchant for tinted bottles
And an affinity to poetry

You say "you're finding yourself"
But you're really running away
From the things you let go
But they never went far.

When words are said
Censored thoughts
And I drown in moments
You barely remember

This state of mind
Is a house I built
I made you a key
You said you'd take
But wouldn't use

Do I stay in this house
Or do I leave?
Do I walk away
Or burn it to the ground?

The words don't flow the same
The colours seem too tame
Lashing out like a whip,
Tongue doesn't know when to stop..
Last piece didn't fall into place..
Now I think I've been building
A castle in abstract air..
This cartoon ground crumbles
beneath my leather shorn feet
I fall upon this weathered earth
Disillusioned yet unblinded
Stuffing my ears with things
I've ripped apart
To keep from hearing the tick tock
Of this broken clock
Cranking the volume of this poem up
To Drown out the phrase "I'm lost"
But the words don't flow the same
This tongue hasn't learned
This new rhythm
And I sit in the dark sometimes
Counting the seconds
Until my heart learns it too..

try to tear myself away
from this rudimenta...

backspace, keep thinking...
not good enough.

he..
no you cant say that
you're a strong woman..

when do i get to be weak
and unreasonable?
when do i get to be the broken one?

the bells toll my turn for insanity

when will it be over
this arbitrary struggle
and longing to belong
still to distinguish
oneself from the rubble
of a crumbling world?

putting out a half-smoked cigarette
think to cut the cord
curling up in blue sheets
think to make it stop

a love was torn from me
merciless nonchalance

i am that rock
falling still identical
the rubble of a crumbling world

surrounded by an energy
I can't quite understand
"No trespassers allowed"
don't think you know that..
Whatever it took..
Keep reading
this blank-paged book
I can't for the life of me
Figure out why
Them not you..
No cosmic sense
No cannons for those walls..
Perhaps I was all wrong
But you never were..

I love to look at you,
Trying to read those eyes
For signs of truth you bear alone

I think

You got lost trying to find meaning
I got lost trying to find "life"
You liked being lost..
And I, well....
I was lost.

It's the things we want that destroy us
Creeping slowly out of the light
Dragging us with them
We morph and twist
Into shapes unlike us
Try to understand
What baits me so
Hold onto a slippery self
And frown upon
This consolation superiority..
Let the bad remind me to be good
Let these sinful hands fall upon
The loneliness deserved.
I am forgiven
But I punish myself..
My father always said
"Beware the beginnings,
They are the root of all evil."

You're too much in your own head
To love another human being
Except conceptually..

We missed our exit on a one way road

I was a puppet
Handing over strings
I loved you
You never cared much

Why am I always at the door?
These feet were made
For threshholds
These lips for silence..

Been breathing air
Polluted with freedom
We are all selfish
In the pursuit of it..

I loved you
You never cared much
I went looking
And life is such

When we fall, we break..

I died trying to build my pieces
Into a different form..

The thing is though,
I loved you when I was whole
Even more so in pieces..
The thing with freedom is
It must be given as it is taken.

The important things
Have become arbitrary landmarks
I feel a detached distaste
A numbness when I cross my mind
I wanted to be  
beautiful, mysterious, adventurous
I wanted to be free...
The farther I look for myself
The more intricately I web myself in
The idea of a person..
have I become that person
What does that even mean?
When does reinvention
Become destruction?
Do you keep falling
Because you've grown attuned to the motion?
When do decisions become muscle memory?
I'm digging tunnels , digging pits
Lights fade out , I forget I need saving

I would very much like to be strung along
would love to be your target practice
Wouldn't mind being hurt by you
It's all better than nothing

When Is it going to happen
Is it ever going to
I'm falling apart wishing
For everything you..
Come on now
Am I that hard to love?
Stop that now
This hope that breeds
Eternal misery..
Just let me step
On this landmine
Let me detonate..
I'm falling apart
Couldn't you just pretend
That I was worth a shot?

The things I've done lately
I want to cut out my veins
And drain my offensive blood
cut my brain apart
Piece it just right
Make sure ghosts never became souls
And demons never wrote scripts..

I don't know who I am anymore
And all I can think is cut...
But my skin stays unstung
And my eyes remain dry..

Starting to think, he's the one to fix me
The only one who can..
He's the one pure thing I never had
I'm drowning in the tar
Accelerating heart beat
I reach up for air
I become a brick in the wall
I don't know how long
This dam is going to hold

Cut, cut...

Play the music louder
Drown out all thoughts
I'm not worthy
But I'm all I've got

Go back to the thing that broke me
Hold on to the words that haunt me

I wear the same clothes
I look the same
But all I can think

Cut.

I hold onto a green bottle
Warm it with my life blood
my hands get numb in the exchange
And my pale blues go white
Underneath a neon lamp..
Suddenly
Noise is quiet outside me
silence into my bones seeps
They seem to dance behind a veil
As though they were blind
And I one eyed
Drink doesn't drown
My gilled lungs
Vengeful adaptation...
Read words written..
Do you like
My name upon your tongue,
Upon your fingertips..

Thoughts creep up on me
Like thieves they whisper
Did it hurt you to break me?
Was it no before reasons were known?
How much time did I get
When you played it out in your mind?
Walking miles in stray shoes
Bitten tongues and humour
I'm the one
Behind the veil.

Darkness grows old
Within these aching bones
And all I've touched
Has turned to dust
Words don't turn on lights
Like stones they sink
It's a stifling work of empty
And I write more of these
To skip and sink
To tell to the walls
And hear them upon my tongue
For therein lies a truth
Of which I must not speak
Hands that make
Are not hands that hold

I've been a cynic
Since time stopped ticking

Thumbs describe paths and words are spoken
Say over, trace back, to where it forked
Like a devil's tongue in an angel's mouth
Go left, go right, take no path into that good night
Make no apologies for planned mistakes
For as roosters crow and bells toll
I swear no allegiance to who I was
Breathing slow and talking soft
Hope comes not swiftly but deliberately
As you say to me, I say to you...
And hold promised time like flowing water
But it beats a great pair of wings
And words not said become lost..

I was hoping that today
Wouldn't be our end

Hands on waist
Thrown over shoulders
One stumbles backward
The other forward
Walk unsteady
We talk all heady
Lost in you
A hundred times over
I'd choose you

I was hoping today
Wouldn't be our end..

My tears have silence and warmth
Whispering pain steeped in stealth
Craving chances that fell apart
I stumble on a heavy heart
Thoughts curl into fists
Banging on walls that are bone
Hearts are savage beasts
That can't be left well enough alone
Hanging on with sunken teeth,
I bleed a dead pain..
The guns are loaded
Neurons fire you into my brain
Images fall into realist hands
And gravity does the rest..

To know you is to feel you...
I am hollowed out
In the space you never seem to fit..
In the aftermath of doors shut
Silence and warmth flow in stealth
Images fired travel slow and heavy
Leaving stains..

I never understood why
When people let go
They let go completely.
But holding on
Is like cupping your hands
Trying to catch the light,
You only create
a darkness inside
And wind up
holding shadows instead..

Never felt like second place
Or third or fourth..
I was a non place,
Existing outside
The circles we draw..
I feel more like a concept
Than a real person..
It all seems
Like an elaborate
Multiple choice..
I'm a series of letters
Chosen with good intentions..

How do you leave
If you do not know the way back?
I painted scars
Where skin never broke..

When feet get lost in the shadow
Running back and forth
Between indifference
And unhealthy attachments
Holding on just so
I can let go
Breaths come shallower
And sleep doesn't come easier
Find myself whispering poetry
To the deaf ears of the night
I find you in the quiet places
Where I am invisible..

You are both the best and the worst person to love unrequited
It's incurable..
Because there's no one
Quite like you.
Your name flashes neon in my head
Washing the walls of my brain
In indescribable color
And I am mesmerized.