Sleepless , wanting to sleep less
Do more , see more , be more
Wanting to hear less , feel less , fear less
All because of more , I just want it
I know it’s out there for me to grab and that’s one thing I don’t want to be ..
grabless

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

No her name didn’t start with an “S” or “K”
Her first name started with an “M” and last name started with a “J”
She was such a beauty, all crystalline sometimes and no makeup ever hid her face
She was different , her green composure sometimes found a little purple lingering adding taste
She was flexible , I could make love to her anyway I want , in a bowl, a ****, wraps, or even create my own ways
I was 13 years old when we first met , she nearly took my life with the first breath
Choking from how strong she hugged my lungs I knew she was the best
She made me laugh from the first kiss until I went to sleep in my cloud-like bed
Some years have passed now and we’ve decided to get married since then
From first sight, first touch, first kiss, first hug, I knew Mary Jane would be my first love and even a better friend. If we ever tend to split I know she’s my first from beginning to end.