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Specs Oct 2018
I decided to hold on
For one more day.
But even still, weeks later,
My thoughts won’t go away.
I don’t even know what I’m clinging onto amymore

Also, definitely wrote this while dissociating, so I have no recollection of writing this. Weird
Specs Sep 2018
I’ve been depressed all week
But she‘s been too.
She shares her coping methods
And she’s praised and supported.
I share mine and I get a single
“Nice.”

I’m the one willing to take bullets
For those who can’t take five minutes
To make sure I haven’t drowned
While lifting others so they can breathe.

At this point it’s not even them.
I’m force-feeding words into their mouths
As I watch them go about their lives.

I know that
They’re busy.
They’re tired.
They’re taking a personal day.
They’re working on themselves.
And I understand that.

But whenever
I’m busy,
I’m tired,
I’m taking a personal day,
Or I’m working on myself,
I’m there at the drop of a hat.

I’m the one taking bullets
For those that can’t take five minutes
To realize that maybe, just maybe
I need help too.

Irrelevant.
The delayed introduction after the
“How have you beens?”
“Fine and yous?”
“I’ve been great, I have this story...”
Minutes pass before I’m even thought of,
And by then I’ve excused myself.

I’m the one that’s taking bullets
For those that can’t take five minutes.
I’m taking you out and bringing you in
But I can only take so much.

I’m so desperate to be important to someone
That I don’t know how to be important to myself.
Even the saying of “one is sliver and one is gold”
Is unintentionally excluding.
I’m surrounded friends and their golds
But there are so many golds there’s not room for bronze.

I’m the one taking bullets
For those that can’t take five minutes
To realize that I give more than I take
And that I’ve given away my soul.

A sick feeling in my stomach,
But if I bring it up,
I know you’ll have it worse.
So I swallow my bile
And stretch out a smile.

I’m the one taking bullets
For those who can’t take five minutes
To see that I’ve made it out
Of the burning building too.

I’ve laid myself out as a doormat.
So why do I complain when people wipe their feet?

I’m the one taking bullets
For those who can’t take five minutes
To see that I am
Broken.
I’m tired of meaning nothing to everyone
Specs Sep 2018
I just want to stop
Being sad.

I’m the happiest I’ve been for years
But it still is not happiness.

“Happy” is not
The right word

Because I’m only ever sad,
And not.

So when I say
“I just want to stop,”

I really mean
I want to

Start
Being happy.
I’m sick of feeling depressed there’s literally no reason lol what’s wrong with my brain
Specs Sep 2018
People communicate too much.
Their arms, their feet, their eyes, their hands.
Each one tells a story.
Each one differs, interfering and weighing the air down.
Then the mouth opens and words fly out,
A whirlwind of ideas, opinions, tumbling, spinning, whipping out.
So much noise.
A message here, a message there.
The noise is blinding.

Outside the garden is buzzing.
Not the droning buzz of conversation,
But the peaceful hum and sigh of nature.
The leaves wave as you walk.
Flower petals whisper to you, succinct words that don't rattle.
Ladybirds, bumblebees, humming birds hurtle and whisk around,
And best of all, the garden listens.
Specs Sep 2018
I only have two arms to hold myself together,
When I really need four.

I only have two hands,
And they don't fit with each other.

I only have one heart.
Maybe you thought you could help by making it two halves.

I only have one smile,
But it's nearly expired.

I only have one mind,
But it's enough to fill my head with anger and malice
I only want to get better
Specs Sep 2018
There's music
That reaches down
Through your ribcage, piercing
every inch of you,
drawing the breath from your lungs
The symphonic sound an eruption of
Passion, of
Feeling.

Then,
There's music that passes slowly,
Seeping though your skin
until warm hands surround the soul,
Not to take it, but to hold.
a reliable escape
Specs Sep 2018
Today is gray.
The beads of rain burst against
Panes of windows, cars, roofs,
My outstretched palm, welcoming the chilled drops.
Tires roll differently in the rain,
Passing
With the wet whooshing of waves in the ocean.
When it rains, it is perpetually dusk, scant light filtering through a heavy blanket of clouds.
My drink steams.
I smile.
I live in the desert and I love the rain
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