Ladle Guilt, blame, and regret into me
Someone should convict me and restrict me from emotion
Crest-fallen, I yearn for redamancy

I tormented time with a turbulent fallacy
Condemn my illicit distribution of preconceived notion
Ladle guilt, blame, and regret into me

I can’t recall tasting stories without choking on hypocracy
For all that makes peace & love stems from chaotic commotion
Crest-fallen, I yearn for redamancy

But too long my eyes merely saw until the day I learned to see
Not importance placed like a trophy case but in honest raw devotion
Ladle guilt, blame, and regret into me

Promises sink like anchors, for their nightmare’s being free
We struggled finding solace and settled for continuous motion
Crest-fallen, I yearn for redamancy

If only I could do things differently
Cast a spell, think before I speak, perhaps produce a potion
Ladle guilt, blame, and regret into me
Crest-fallen, I yearn for redamancy

The water paints with sound
redamancy upon the shore
and our hearts.

And the cascade reminds me
Time can be beautiful,
Love is first shallow,
And then deep,
Oh, so deep, my love,
The color of shale and cobalt

We sit on the rocky shore
And stack stones into a cairn
Making the moment, the place.
Finally, he says, we’ve seen the ocean
Together.

As if seeing the vastness of Resurrection Bay
Perfects our Pacific love
Deepening.

We skip a few rocks
To test the shallows
To find the deep
To discover what we believe awaits us
In the future:

Love like waves
Pulled by the moon--
My hand pulled by yours
To go home.

You don't know me
The places I wanna see
The things I want to know
What I want to be told
No, you don't know me

You can't hold me
Or tell me everything's alright
When I know you hold her
Like you used to hold me

You tell her she's made of gold
You know her favorite food, her favorite dress
And all the other things
That you don't know about me

I know you've memorized
Her face, Her voice
Yet when you turn around
Can you even remember my name?

I guess it's too much to ask
For redamancy these days
As loyalty has gone out the window
A word of the past

But you used to tell me
That I was made of gold
And that in your arms
I was only yours to hold
But your hands have roamed
So far away from me

And it's not fair
To make me watch
As you do with her
All you did with me

We used to talk about the future
But in a single heartbeat
You have changed our destiny

All those words of yours
Come back and haunt me
Everytime you called me beautiful,
Was it just practice for telling her?

Well you were right about one thing
I am made of gold
And that girl of yours
No matter how much you try
To mold her into me
She will only ever be pyrite
Just a cheap imitation
Of the treasure you will never hold

Long I had tried,
to make sense of what plagues
the minds of those in love.
Long I had cried,
thinking myself far too rational
to fall apart under your gaze.
But now mystery
brings out a certain charm in you
that I've gotten so fond of.
Unaligned symmetry;
my half-a-heart and yours, never
a perfect fit, but a bittersweet pair.

11/9/2014

it’s not a question
of whether or not
but rather how

your crooked elbow
hangs over my collarbone
as you reach for your phone

lying procumbent on wherever
the circumstances have placed
us

whether it is a dorm bed or
a basement couch me sitting up in a cold
sweat
or the red of my sunburn on the white
sheets of my july bed

it’s never been a question of state
no matter where the state
until i’m sitting

staring at the empty space you left
next to me or
in my head.

it’s not a question of legitimacy
with the intimacy in your tethered
voice suggesting otherwise

but i can’t help but despise
wild intricacies of time.

I’m so afraid
That I
Will always be
The one
That loves
More.

It is the feeling when you receive a cup of coffee to calm your nerves.
It is the feeling when you breathe in the musky smell of the ocean.
It is the feeling when drops of rain touch your skin, your lips, your fingertips.
It is the feeling when you take a photo and see the beauty of it.
It is the feeling when you venture through the forest.

It is the feeling when you have a love returned in full,
redamancy.

having a chance at something that is real.

1
you were what Adam called poetry those first days in the garden; there were no words to encompass You so he used all of them

2
I have heard voices at the bottoms of bottles, always emptier

3
I am angry at my hands for being too weak to turn house keys, maybe you would've let me in if I was strong enough

4
it's all my fault, I know it. the day my father loaded his fear into the back of a pickup truck and drove away was the day I learned that leaving is just coming back, falling out of bed when I thought I felt your warmth beside me

5
show me a word that doesn't look like loss when you hold it to the light too long; there isn't one

6
maybe if I didn't cry so often I would feel fuller; if I was fuller I would have more to pour out to you

7
love me with a depth and severity that would make hurricanes green with envy

8
we want so much and we desire so deeply, it is no fault of our own that we always feel so disconnected; empty of a thing of which we have never felt full

9
playing foul piano chords to an audience of my nauseating loneliness, roars of applause come from your side of the bed

10
it's okay that he only calls when the morning after has proven to come too early & too bright, you've always been the warm & familiar darkness

we floated around in an ocean
of mediocrity
sharing poems etched into the skin
on our wrists
wondering when the weight of the world would drown us in our own thoughts
thoughts of people who didn't even know
we existed
places we would never go
and things we would never say
no one knows I still sing you happy birthday
in the room where you died in my arms
its only a metaphor, of course
I'm sure you're out there somewhere
in a city that could never care
about you
like I did
tattooing your skin with her bed sheets
and kissing over coffee tables made
of all the ways I'll never get to say
I love you
the coffee table you lay books on top of
but never read
or run your knee into and curse
under your breath
I imagine this is what loving you
would have been like
and still
the thought is enough to keep me up
at night

to kiss you senseless until i am a seaglass buried deep inside your skin. to lick salt off your palms with paper-cut lips, until each breath has gone haywire. to quietly sigh your name until it baptizes my heathen tongue. oh, the wars i would start; the wars i would end — darling, there is something soothing about all the violent ways i can love you.

like a tiny jump that i made every time i saw flowers, that's how you makes me feel like. Happiness.

like a mesmerized looks that i made every time i saw the sun sets, that's how you makes me feel like. Warmth.

i will make a flowery path for you, just like how you did to mine.
i will be the rainbow after your rainy days, just like what you did to me.

All that I need, all I've wanted for years, and even during the lost times, you were pressed under my skin like pure, warm aching. Had to go through it, we say now, had to lose each other entirely then to be heavenly entangled now.
Such great heights only after sunken deep lows.
Let me tell you, angel, I am certain you were made for me, and goodness, believe me, I could never leave.
We stood the test of time.
We endured the distance.
We have conquered demons.
You and I fought a ****** war, and hell if we didn't win it.

If you look under my bed you'll probably find
the versions of me you never loved,
I'm planning on  joining them soon.

Words
words to say
words to say for those who possess a quiescent soul
vibrations forming into susurrus breathes,
spun by Love.
Love is an oxymoronic, overly celebrated,
seemingly sempiternal happening that is eternally ephemeral,
lasting
a
very
short
t
i
m
e.
Love speaks with words that no matter how
dis-joint-ed
sound wonderfully euphonious -
a sonic euphoria
a billet-doux made from absolutely nothing
but
the very
rawness
of being absolute.
Love is a little more than
chimerical.
Love is a clinquant aubade that requires redamancy.

redamancy.

Love requires love to exist in it's eternal shortness,
to exist
in the mere seconds that are allowed
to exist in the ephemeral time frame of a blip in space
of decades and decades that no one will rememeber and that will not matter to the masses
and
will mean
absolutely nothing to everyone else except
for the one that is awake enough to look directly at
Love.

I want to tattoo his love into the universe
So it becomes permanent and never strays

I wish I could wrap his words around me like a blanket
So on the coldest nights I can feel his warmth surround me

He like a safe place; a security blanket
He makes life feel surreal

From the day I was born
You have been my mother
I knew there was a reason
That God paired us together

Now that I'm older
I can start to see why
You have been there to lend me a shoulder
And pick me up when all I can do is cry

Without you,
Who would be there to speak for me?
When I'm shy and can't say my mind
You step in saving me

Unconditional love
Is all you've ever given me
A mother-daughter bond
That just can't be beat

I love you with all of my heart
Redamancy is my gift to you
You've been with me from the start
It's me and you, tried and true

lacy dresses
and $79 kisses
and heels the length of the empire state
and brown lustful eyes,
she was the moon of his life.
sleek suits
and chapped .99 cent kisses
and shoes reflecting the neon lights
and blue yearning eyes,
he was the sun of her life.

There's that sunset
Where you'd
Look
upon
The horizon
and watch the sky
pull a symphony of colors
Where the atmosphere and clouds
simply refract light;
creating an array of complex hues
the sky became emphatic
to show off it's beauty
That was today

There's that sunset
Where you'd
Look
Upon
The horizon
And see the clouds move
slowly and yet hastily
And despite the Coriolis,
the clouds form shapes
And represent
such figures to you
whether human, animal, or object
It reminds you of
memories, places, people
That was today

There's that sunset
Where you'd
Look
Upon
The horizon
And just look at the grandeur of it
Where you cannot tell where
The sky ends and the earth begins
no trace of the sun nor the moon
Like the earth felt God's redamancy
and God felt the Earth's
and our worlds finally became one
That was today

There's that sunset
Where you'd
Look
Upon
The horizon
And the moment you lay your eyes Upon it
all the questions, all the queries
finally become answered to
like quantum theory and "beauty"
ultimately became understood
like you now have an answer
to your most enigmatic problem
That was today

I looked upon that sunset
I have an answer
I finally have an answer
I now have an answer
That was today

i wish to touch the bits of you that endure my dirt.
i wish
more than ever the shape of your face in the curve of my long and twisted fingers.
there's something about it that make my hands
okay to look at again.
like they may have a found a fitful purpose, caressing the demon mouth
that kisses my angel teeth,
residing underneath
my loved lips
that send trips
to your words.
they encase your bright
eyes
and devour the confidence left in them.
but what i meant
to say was, i see your bright
eyes
showing fight to the fence
that you build so high.
i can see the lies shine
like a light was tied ,
just for me to breach them.
just so i could teach them,
you are one to beat them.
even though its you who seeds them.

emitting the aroma of tainted goodness and its all
okay
because of the eutony of this all.
these words can break my fall.
if i make the call,
and summon the space,
my soul
will come and take the place
of the weak face
i can no longer
sonder,
anymore in the background of your filled up recognitions.

there's
no
space
for
my
sad
face.
there's
no
place
for
my
heart
ache.

sent into solivagance.

this is a dark red redamancy,
one of a curse.
the birth
of our breakage
started at the first
touch of a sacred
unto a scarred soul.
and she cried
finding nothing but an empty black hole,
in return. forever churned
in a lustuous magnetism.
a
love prison.

its something that buries itself
beneath all the logic in my heart,
creeping from underneath my sins.
its some kind of wonder,
beckoning the birth rights
of every death in my future.

[ it's some kind of mutual case of kalopsia. ]

Of all the questions that beg my being,
why do my fingers still only look straight
when they're resting on your rigid face ?

I am wild, my akushla,
a solivigant.
But you are a cynefin.

Your kalon conceives resfeber in me.
Beasts rumble within like brontide,
they chant of redamancy, my trouvaille.

The dragoman drew me to you
Speaking of yugen
the susurruss mountains
they cured my atelphobia
Submontane caves
where our lights baltered among the selcouth crystals
Reminding me of basorexic spoondrift
breaking the moonglades you adore,
my fellow parallian.

Perhaps it was boyish werifesteria
or maybe I was selenotropic
to fall in love with a gentle boobook
ever so finifugal when we speak

But I feel filipendulous when abendrot bows for advesperacit

You sometimes consider it sphalolaliah,
my words, going ever on and on,
But I’ll learn your lagom, if you give me time

In your arms I long to stay forever
Because when you take my hand in yours
I become someone better

In your mind I stay and linger
Because when I look at you
Your heart skips a little

Within this lifetime we become immortal
Because when we are together
Time is just four letters strung together

I desire warmth and
Despise the void,
Despite convincing myself that
I was not missing anything
And just dissatisfied with the "completeness".
Realizations travel the more gentle current
And you find them on shore in a
slow succession.
Picking up these messages,
My hands do not feel frigid-
A sensation my heart envies;
It longs to outshine the sun.
Now days will pass in a frenzy
Searching for an embrace.
A rendezvous with redamancy.
(Beginning with myself.)

I am cordially writing this to you in hopes that my wishes may be given the chance to come true. I only have one request, and I'm sure it wouldn't take much of your time.

Please give me the chance to see him
again. I don't have plans to hurt him, nor do I have plans to take him from the hands of his family and friends.

I simply want to be able to tell him, even if he doesn't hear, about the stories I've wrote in his name.

I need him to know about the way I see him to be, so that I am aware if I'm loving the dream or the real him.

I want to be able to love him in his terms of what is right, the way he wants to be loved.

Though I know the chances of redamancy is slim, at least he knows that I love at least a fragment of him.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter, and I hope that, if you choose to accept my request, I am able to show my gratitude to you in a more concrete way. Thank you, and I hope to get my answer soon.

Every time she closes her eyes she conjures him up in her mind
They open only to become clouded by the tears he causes to erupt
From behind those slender doors she thought had long since shut
As he turns the lock and all her walls come tumbling once again
She’s exposed to the vicious beast that love has taken the form of

What can she do to pry her mind away from he whom she longs for?
Where can she store her thoughts so they won’t taunt her relentlessly?
How can she deny what is right before her and singing in her heart?
Out of fear she shuts her eyes to make him disappear forgetting
He is not simply some material being to wish away, he is in everything

He is the beating in her head and the throbbing in her heart
He is in every breath she holds, every sigh she releases
He is in every sunset, smile, and feeling of warmth
He’s torture upon her everyday life as he stabs her day and night
As if he has no choice but to jab her with every what if and if only

It is a violent sort of passion, one that can only be seen briefly
Through the eyes of a passerby it tricks them like a glimmer of innocence
Yet behind that innocence is a fiery sin coated in lust and longing
How much of that sin can she hold before it tears a hole into her soul
One that can no longer be repaired by the illusion of  redamancy?

He chased love like a child chases dreams
Like a dog chases its tail
Excited, carefree and hopeful
Like second nature

Daphne was his temple of worship
He turned the ground she walked on
Into precious gold embroidered with jewels
He played songs of love on his golden Lyre
Lovely melodies for her and her alone
But she would never look at him the same
She only saw the caterpillar, never the butterfly

She decided rather than to love him
She would prefer to be wiped from existence
But Apollo never hated her for it
When she was turned into a Laurel tree
He made a crown from her leaves
Wore it with pride around his head
And wept for love that taught him
Even the Gods hearts can bleed for love

He took his ****** heart and let it heal in Troy
He placed it in the hands of the beautiful Cassandra
Who took his love and abused it with insecurity
She pretended to be sincere as she took his gifts
Strung him along with hope trailed behind her
Like cheese in a mouse trap

He gave her the gift of prophecies
And she left him with the agony of abandonment
Thought she was cunning, tricking a god

Do you think she ever thought
about the ways his heart must have sunk when she used him?
Could she see far enough into the future and predict
all of the ways he would reflect
on why he wasn't good enough for her
for all of eternity?
And did she feel remorse?

He gathered his tears and left with his sunken heart once more

Perhaps the only one who truly loved Apollo
Was his dear Hyacinthus, the alluring Spartan Prince
The short time they had together gave Apollo back his hope
His heart had finally healed, mended and repaired once more
But even the mighty god of healing could not save the one he loved

Zephyrus' jealousy and envy stole from him as if the other Gods weren't satisfied with his happiness and cursed him to never find true love
He held Hyacinthus in his arms as he died, trying to heal to no avail
He cursed his weakness as love once more slipped away from his open arms
To commemorate his lover, he sprung a flower from the blood
A hyacinth, a permanent reminder of his grief

He gathered his heavy, grieving heart as he tried to move on, but fate wasn't done with him quite yet

The Princess Coronis had everything she could ever want
But she was selfish and took a piece of Apollo's grieving heart
A piece she never intended to hold in a gentle grasp
A piece she didn't want to cherish or to return
But Apollo was blind to her cruel motives behind her lovely words

He had fallen for her, loved and treasured her so much
He truly believed he had found redamancy at last
And wanted to keep her safe from all harm or sorrow
Keep her away from the wicked hands of the Gods
Like Eros who shot his Daphne with a lead arrow
So that she may never find love in her heart
Like Zephyrus who stole the life of his Hyacinthus
In order to protect his treasured love
A white crow was sent to watch over her

Yet no matter what Apollo did,
Love was not meant for him
It fell through his hands like
Life falls through time
Endlessly and hopelessly

Coronis's affair with Ischys was revealed
And Apollo learned the heartbreak of betrayal
Unlike Cassandra, she didn't return with her life
Apollo shed no tears as he loved for the last time
And left that piece of his heart behind

The innocent white crow
He made to represent his healing heart
Turned black to serve as a reminder
Of the true deception and torture that love can leave behind

Don't look at a God as something to use
As someone who is cruel for no reason
Look into their abuse
Marvel at how they managed to survive even just one more season
And ask yourself if you could do the same

"There is a lack of redamancy, you haven't let me open my mouth for at least a month. You had a lot to purge out, I guess. I want to tell you I love you, more than he ever will, I want to tell you I'm a part of you, more than he'll ever be. You are superlunary, I don't compare to you. But please remind yourself, I'm keeping you alive, though I am not God. But in a sense, I'm locking you here on Earth, I reside in your gut, I am the reason you're not giving up. All those plans and checked off to do lists, all those goals and visions...we make them just so we've got multiple anchors to make sure we do not sink. Every substance we use, every material, is a little helper: "you should stay alive because of this." Though my tendency is to hate, I have no hate to spill. Only admiration of how far you have come, of how much you have stripped me of any malice I contained. I came in hungry, ready to devour you, but you tamed my jaw with thorns you've watered for too long, and oh darling, I beg you to stay strong."

- Anti

In my restlessness
I
spiral
down into a deep
slumber
with your name;
the last memory
cast from the waking dream.
It was your name I'd always say
in a silent and solemn prayer
that'd I'd pray day and night
and night and day
til' I've run out of words to say
And even
as I find myself
in this
peculiar,
unfamiliar place,
it
is
Your
name
that I remember.

I spiraled down
deeper and deeper
Into the void
where no other voice
could reach me
and the only thing
to keep me sane
was your name
that I remember
It reminded me of
thunderstorms and
your silhouette dancing in the rain,
of words that love my beloved as they took away her pain.
of your smiles that glowed in rain or sunshine
and of the warm embraces and soft cries that were once mine.
And
in
the
deep dream
I
find
you
waiting
for me
with a warm embrace
and a smile on your face
so tender
its warmth filled
the entire room.
And with your arms
clasped onto me,
in that dream
I finally felt
your redamancy
the "you" I've always aspired
And my eyes open
to the break of dawn creeping slowly upon the windowsill.
with only your name embedded as always

"Darling,

How is it possible that I could still be loving you more. I just received your letter. I have never met a person that could put pen on paper and nearly bring me to tears...so you must be an angel.

This is one of those times when I have no idea what to say or even if I should say anything at all. I just know that as far as I can remember, I have had a problem with receiving love. I can give it just fine, but never receive it, and while I was reading your letters I found myself fighting back tears for some reason. For the first time I feel redamancy.

and if I were there with you I would kiss you right now and my kiss is different every time because I fall deeper in love with you everyday and there's a difference between a kiss and a kiss between two people that truly love each other.

Often I find that I am digging myself deeper and deeper into this love and I fear that I might not be able to climb out, but upon this bittersweet realization...I begin to dig again, this time with a smile on my face, and pray that there will never be a bottom."

"One night it was just him and me driving through the city. The lights were flashing shadows inside the car and he was smiling while driving. His hair was blonde, again. I told him not to change them often. He just chuckles. His eyelashes protruding and curly like small waves. He looks so beautiful. Huge buildings, lamp posts and tall street lights were surrounding us. There were neon light boards sign on some old bars who plays country or some old music i can't remember. There were people who were strolling down the street in their heavy coats arms clinging to another person by their side. It was never a quiet night here but recently it became somehow. He hated heights so much but he liked city lights and buildings. And i couldn't love him more. When he was in Korea, he sent me a cute love letter, his hand writing was a mess but i thought it was the most perfect one ever. He called every night and asked what I like. I always tell him the same thing for the past 3 years, "I just want you. Nothing more, nothing less." He just chuckles and i know he was blushing. But he still comes home with something for me. He's nice and kind and perfect. He takes my breath-away and i love him so much. He's my favorite painting. He's a masterpiece. He loves coffee too much, i just hope caffeine doesn't eat his system. He liked mornings and evenings. Life was better with his smile shining like the blazing sun and his sleepy voice telling me to go to sleep every night. He liked playing soccer alot. He likes his coffee bitter but his heart was pure and his smiles were sweet. He is very appreciative and generous and I couldn't thank the gods above for this wonderful human right here. He's my sweetest favorite serendipity and i thank him for our unexpected redamancy."

My love unfolds only,
where hemlines meet.

In the space between skin,
and black satin sheets.

▪︎ mica light ▪︎