I fantasise of death everyday,
I pray to sleep and pass away eloquently.
I wish not to wake nor to cry,
I wish only for peace and the right to die.

I get tired of days as quick as they end,
I left my life along with some old friends.
I get a sinking feeling where my heart once lay,
I believe it's my soul telling me "It's okay".

"It's okay to hate life,
It's okay to want to die,
You just miss feeling the feeling of feeling alright".
"It's okay, but stay strong,
It's okay to move on,
But if you don't at least try then...".

Depression,

The only way you can feel lonely in a room full of people.

The only way you can sit with a smile on your face, but deep down the monsters are scraping at every part of you

The only way you get up every morning, but wish your body would morph to the bed and rot in one shape.

Depression,

A survival game that forces you to wake up every morning and tell yourself tomorrow will be better.

I want to lunge at it,
I want to tear it to shreds.
It drowns me with my own grief.
This false grief,
This false grief that fills my body with weight, that wasn’t there minute before.
I hate it.
I want to rip at the pages and re-wright them.
I want to change the damning end that sends the destructive words to my eyes.
I want to carve out his name,
I want to carve out the man’s name that shot the fatal wounds.
Yet
Yet, I see the bigger picture.
I see the ending gives justice to all that has happened.
I have given her the shock value that she has wished for,
And I love it.
-ALC

Not keeping in touch?
Bin quiet a while,
Not hearing from you much,
Between us, not even a mile,

Making excuses and such,
Too busy, don't have time?
Sparing a minute or two,
Is that such a crime?

A simple text,
Not a big task,
Or a one minute call,
Is that too much to ask?

Slowly drifting away,
Disguised in a strangers mask?
That was unlike yesterday,
How did things fade that fast?

When did avoiding become normal,
Why the sudden distance,
Silent words, is that intentional?
Losing my persistence,

Trying to prevent eye contact?
Why the lack of presence.
Clearing suspicions into facts?
Then Ignoring my whole existence?

Rapidly falling into oblivion,
When did that become a norm?
A new way of communication?
Don't think that's a form,

Is there a way to break this charm?
Or will that just cause more harm?

When will you notice this difference, and decide to keep in touch again?
Even if you're aware of your absence,
Will it change you back? If not, what then..

~A.d | 2 Sep 2014

Why
When everything's okay
Why must you pull me back down
Why must you torture me with ugly thoughts
Why must you make me think about my past
About myself
About my future
Why won't you let me be normal
Everyone else looks so happy
Why won't you let me have that
Why must i suffer
Why

March 10, 2013
you smiled at me today
i remembered all the stories you wrote me
still hung in the closet where we painted the stars
and then i thought about how heavy my heart grew
when none of your stories were about me
but mine where of you
i hope they're in your sock drawer with my old tie die shirt
and tonight i'm dying all over for you

March 17, 2013
you find yourself in a room
pretending not to immensely alone
surrounded by people
who are pretending to not feel immensely alone
are you alone?

March 29, 2013
you aren't the people you surround yourself with
you are not the things you feel when you are alone
(repeat)

April 24, 2013
we are born empty
life spent fill ourselves with
knowledge and the more palpable
michelangelo
artist mind, with a poets heart
maybe the bubble of everything that he was
was too full with thoughts and wonder to fit any things or humans
he died alone, in a slum, with his golden nothings
and maybe thats all that loneliness is,
the overflowing thoughts in our heads

April 26, 2013
i've realized that i'm okay
the trees are blooming beautiful baby greens
the sun is shining so sweetly
the breeze whispering my name

May 1, 2013
everyday is drifting by
and i'm wrapped up
in this sickeningly sweet
numb half way happiness

May 17, 2013
you watched slurred words
haunched over the dance floor
everyone laughed, but you just starred with pursed lips
you were ashamed, and i hope you're sorry
for snapping me in two

May 19, 2013
i awoke next to a strange boy the other day,
light pounding on eyelids with the 6:30 sunrise
how is it possible to feel so alone with someones arms
wrapped so tightly around you.
i fell asleep next to him holding his face
mind and stomach churning
and i've kissed a lot of pretty strangers,
but none like the one i loved and knew so well