My fingers are missing
from the hand I used to hold,
there is no intertwine
as the inconsistency grows
through resentment
and memories
even though my memory
is shot from years of
doing drugs, I still recall
the blankness in her stare
when confronted with
the option of run or love

I thought it would be
a simple answer
after the dedication
of ten years, but it seems
I’m left in a one-sided affair:
no, it’s not fair, but nobody
said life would be that way,
so let the heaviness give way
to singularity and
personal growth
as I learn about my own
consequence,
about what it means to
finally let go

And I know time isn’t in our hands.
Still move with life, or watch it move
on without you. Either you walk with
time, or time walks away from you.

They gave you a one-star review for
your love, judged your heart, spat into
your scars, dragged your name through
the mud. Still, don’t paste their words
onto your heart.

Because when you live a better life, they’ll
circle back to copy. You’ll ask yourself,
“why do the ones who once overlooked
me now want to over-book me… or cop me?”

All the seconds you felt like sloppy seconds
will become the taste of their main course.
And what they called leftovers is the meal
they'll hunger for the most.

Remember:

Time is a thief, it steals your hours, your hope,
your years. But don’t let wasted time rob you  
of what’s real. Don’t let it steal the reason you live.

"Words cannot express how much today meant to me.

I can tell just how much effort you’ve put into these special days to really make me happy and feel loved, and I do.

I feel so loved I guess that’s part of why I got so emotional because I have so much more to lose now and that’s scary.

I love you so very much.
You are my man.
My everything
and I adore you."

Her words: proof that I mattered. At least on that December night.

I never thought the day would come
Where I hated you more than I ever loved you
I searched and searched for a trace of love
in my body for you
But nothing is there anymore
I gave you four years of love
and you drained me drier than dried dryer sheets
My life with you was a lie I will struggle to forgive for infinity

You were the man of my dreams
You looked past my larger exterior
And saw me
You said I was beautiful
You said I was special
You said I wasn’t like any other woman you'd dated before
You said I was different
That set my 22-year-old heart ablaze
A man, a grown man, saw me as a woman
You knew I didn’t understand love
But you said I was good
I knew I had a good heart,
And you tightened your grip once it was in your hands
I gave you my body
Remember?
And I couldn’t stop after the first time
And you knew that.

Maybe I needed a stronger prescription
Because I just couldn’t see the pedestal I put you on
was in fact the thin line between love and hate
I overlooked so many of your red flags
And saw you as different than the rest
Ironically, I never had anyone to compare you to
All you ever had to say was, “I know, but let’s move forward, mama.”

I believed every word out of your mouth
You promised me a lifestyle where I could get whatever I wanted
And you’d be willing to do anything
You knew my heart was a white rose
So genuine, so delicate, so innocent
But you took my fears and blinded me to them
No more anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts
Body image issues
Nothing
I believed I was well taken care of
But time had stopped, and you did too
You were no longer the man I fell in love with
But rather somebody that I used to know
I was no longer the apple of your eye
I was nothing to you but what all the others were
Maybe that was something I knew
But just couldn’t accept until it was dead in my face

I can’t remember everything
And for you, that might be a good thing
I feel so disconnected from my body
I may as well be a weak Wifi connection
While you play innocent, I’m actually the victim
I loved you so much that I lost my mind trying to figure out what was wrong
Trying to figure out if I was wrong
Now I find it hard to concentrate on what really matters
I hate the way men look at me
Do they know what you said to me?
Did they see what I did for you?
Or are they just like you too?

Accepting that this relationship and marriage wasn’t real
and meant nothing has been hard
You were all I knew
But I wasn’t your only option
You made that clear many times
I can’t even see you as someone who needs retribution or help
But rather someone who deserves to be discarded
The same way you discarded my white rose

I regret swiping right on you
I wish I could warn my 22-year-old self not to even entertain you
Or give someone like you chance, after chance, after chance
I know I was a lot
I know I had my moments
But I never had to pretend I had a good heart
I was always a good person
That you never deserved

I don’t know who I will love next
But I know he will be everything I need and more
He’ll love me forreal and out loud and he’ll be proud

I truly don’t care about what will happen to you next
I just want what it is I rightfully deserve

While you spot your next victim

5/11/2025
-Mia J

© 2025 Mia J

for the longest time
i thought i needed to
return to the child
i was.

i spent half my life
unlearning trauma,
only to lose sight
on the woman
i wanted to become.

Beat me down
Already knew the pain
Hands and legs
Are no match to flame

Past doesn't matter
When days are coming quick
Manipulative people
A twisted game so sick

Reborn--a phoenix
Straight out of the sky
Stronger now
And they'll know the reason why

Spew your venom
And I'll spread my fire
Hurt me again
The flames will grow higher

Flying with wings
In vibrant flashes
So powerful, so beautiful
I'm reborn from the ashes