Its like a cool wave of sludge
That bottoms out and trickles in
Like the pecking of a fresh cut hen
Twisting and turning
In the order of cycles of thorns
Popping and starting
The phase of manifestation
But abruptly halting.

Its a sensation we cannot really quite express
But find ourselves turning away in bed
Or fighting back the feeling or irritability
While the littlest soldiers inside
In the crevices of the blood red lagoon
Allow a weeping or nearly forms watery tears
To corner and then despair.

Its a feeling we can't quite explain
Society echoed and told us
To be filled with shame
At the prospect of our *****
Revamping and renewing
Revamping and renewing.

So throw a goggle into
The pits of mother earth
Stop the stopper up
And we urge the peace
And acne break outs
To relent
And start again

Next month.

You would know the inviting poison just from looking across the shining street,  
Its true my red lips and eyes long for so much, and everyone whispers
“Its all in the red lipstick”
Coffee mugs, rolled papers, lollipops, and whiskey bottles
Stained with the pleasure
Kiss my mouth and I will leave my stain.

Ruffled bed sheets and expressive faces, loved forever and full of  our bodies stain
Look for my friends with cardigans and hats, they escort me giggling on the street
Our floating and intoxicated theatre talk, full of pleasure
I will go home at night after talking myself into a frenzy just to hope you come to give me your whispers
Say things you shouldn’t: “I can see it. Images of cribs and baby bottles.”
Wrapped in a currently unreachable fantasy, but all we can say is its in the lipstick

So Paint my face and I will wear my pearls for you, my mouth gleaming with lipstick
And I know we will both be poor but we cannot run from the stain
That our alcoholic bottles
Will never fill. But I know you,  you will walk through the street
You make me want so much and I will give you all my vulnerable whispers
And though its true I may be a handful, I love to see your sly smile of pleasure

For when you hold my face in your hands, oh what pleasure
And my lips will be smeared with red lipstick
But no, it won’t matter because I still hear those whiskey whispers
Please leave a good stain
Because my heart, its true it resides on the street
It could be stomped on like empty beer bottles

But this love potion concocted of glass bottles
Through my dancing, cooking, and flirting—I just want to see you feel pleasure
And this city, its true it will eat up our liver, with ***** Broad Street
So I will laugh my loudest laugh when I see your lips covered with my lipstick
And I will be glad to leave you with my colossal stain
For in the morning and in the night I still hear my past’s Southern whispers

But running only towards your whispers
Reinventing myself with poisonous bottles
Look at the rose colored stain
I know you see into this moon of pleasure
Within me my soul is covered with Marilyn Monroe’s lipstick
Longing, such longing, but we reside to our auditioning on this city’s street

Filling our lungs up with dramatic pleasure
I will cover the theatrical current like my lipstick
To only walk forward in the beautiful polluted street.

http://vimeo.com/114576423

Legs entwined
Toes touching, limbs eager and so full of love
His dark old jeans
The jeans that sag on him
I laugh to myself noticing.
Watch him as he turns his head to the side
Cocking that smile.
My Italian elitist shoes, grazing his toes
My Polaroid camera as my handy sidekick
Just a moment.
The contrast.
Masculine and feminine.
Light and dark.
Big and small.
Brown and black.
Bare and clothed.
Unity.
All I feel with him, when I let myself go, is unity.
If only I could seize my dark monster
Grab it by the neck and free it into the ocean.
Stop it before it is released.
What I would do to completely put her away.
Let the toes continuously touch

By my side or alone.
Whether he is present, or no.
A snapshot created, to laugh at
To enjoy.
The two lovers gaze into each other’s eyes
After the clicking and releasing is heard.
Moist lips, wet tongues
Celebrating unearthed love.
What we have, oh what we have.
Examine it, stand outside
My scientific glasses on, so thick
Your hands in the air, with such care
We fought for it all.
We wanted it to be so much.
Young, so young. Wanting the world.
Careful now of the snow globe—Don’t grip it too tightly.
But I will dance with the seahorses always.
And you had to drag me away.
You laughed and smiled your brightest smile and pulled me away.
Fantasy. I wish I too could link my tail onto sea branches.
“Such a little lamb, with such a ***** mouth.”
You loved me with all your might?
I remember this day so well.
Staring at seahorses entwining their tales on branches
Like children we stared on
You chuckled at my trance
The seahorses,
They so comfortably nestled and necked
And then there we were.
Sweating in the hot sun
You in jeans
Me dressed like summer.
Moist lips
Wet tongues.
Seahorses you couldn’t pull me away from.
Urging me to pet the baby sharks
As excited children danced around you and I.
Toes touching
Bare legs and old jeans.
Masculine and feminine.
Put the monster away.
This is everything.
This was everything.
We were everything?

He wanna know how it do
What I got purrin' over here
But his girlfriend she gone
So he pickin' his teeth
But he ain't got no tooth pic
Got that instagram picture
Talkin' 'bout pink skies full 'o cheap *** lies
You was sayin' my name
As you came and complained
You know I'm doin' so much
Its my face, you can't stain.

Got a flame next to his name
His ring and he rang
He's not a bad one
But he speaks like I'm his boss
'Cuz I am and its true
Check that off my list
Lace up my boots
Levitate off the ground
This next boy he got tattoos
But really,
They all do.

Facebook status, he got that relationship listed
But he looked right in my eyes
Moaning his tune
He want what he want
Held my hand as he drove
I was glad when he left
But the afterglow never lasts.

Ooooohhhh
This one
I could splatter some dark red paint
Make it swirl and indicate like blood
Did all that I could
But he filled with the rage, that hate
Put a black hood on my head
Said forget you, be what I need instead
He so angry 'cuz he so hurt
Surrounded by mildew and a bunch of
Dead birds
I feel sorry for you
No, its true
I feel sorry for you
I wasn't kidding when I said my name would be everywhere
And you would have to hear.

Say no bye boy
Say no bye boy
Ain't I glad I ain't married
Got no kid with these misters
But one of 'em ain't so bad
He just ghostin' cuz he sick
He scared or busy as ****
But who ******' cares
I buckle up my britches
Cigar in my mouth
If I had been a man
I woulda been

The best man.

But really.
When we take a step back
And examine it all
We call them this term
Because they wounded us
With their lack of chivalry, tenderness, sincerity
And I could write down in permanent ink
A resounding:
"Don't Let Them."
But that would all be ******* too
A hiatus?

We think and give them that name
Their guards rising and teeth grinding
The moment we pinpoint the sourness
And I don't wanna say we asked for it
That we allowed it
But didn't we a bit?

If I had been a man
I would have been the best man
I want to hiss and chant
But they are all
Just as scared
As we are
All of them.

Fucksboys
Especially.

Library books, we tuck and nestle
Forgetting our parents, whistle
Don't look at them
But southern text books, performing
In ballet flats, I popped--performed voice
Give me that trophy, if it means
If it means
First place in my own heart.

Defining myself through opportunity
Its only the best if I'm the best
Mama Bear thinks she has a lot of rights
But she and the dogs
In a large house
I wonder, ponder
If she feels loneliness
Papa, papa lawyer
He argues and debates that case
As I grew stronger and wiser
Riding around around in his Mercedes-Benz
Oh to be in sixth grade again
But I check my white privilege.


Scavenger hunt adventure
I felt everything so intensely
So viscerally
I fought for those brown eyes--blue eyes
To a joyful and steadfast hazel
Love finds you when you don't search.

Everything was so important
So deep, so sensational
Smoking in my bathroom like a bad *****
Alabama.
Philadelphia, we danced a fighting partnership
As I peacefully and hectically
Piece together
The me that has always been there
In Chicago,
But this is by no means
My last stop.

So I cough up my heart
Stained in ****** vulnerability
Empowering those who gaze at me
I dig my hands into the dirt
Because its time
A young woman did so.

Dribbling from our chins, I could mix
Up that jealous potion we both salivate
Into jars we store under our beds
Like a tigress in the night
I maul down my past,
But move really--very fast
Because I hate to wait.
Crying into my red wine
Tantrums you could somersault into
But you've got that something for me
So my long legs and I
We stop running.

I see you swagger into a brisk heat
My imagination twirling and throwing
Me into the streets of Philadelphia
I look at now, with a slight negativity
Take me away from here
I will take myself away from here
But my drumming ***** fills up
Every time I am placed in a paint soaked bathtub.


I direct and I describe things with a sense of urgency
All the while I feel the howling sensation
But I see your name flash and click before my mind
Place maybe, me in your pocket
I feel my impatience and need for more
Bury itself deep in my throat

Why, yes, thats me over here choking
On the kitchen cozy floor
But you are scared to view all my angsty work
So I purr and hum
In my little Breakfast At Tiffany's studio.

Falling the more you describe possibility
But you need so much more clarity
While blonde heads tell me I really should settle down
But I jump into clumps
While jesting, "Lets just get married."
But all I want is your hand in mine
I promise I could be the prettiest little thing
Of yours
But yes, there is a mane and fangs.

Trees and people covering the streets
In your little collared shirt, Spanish
Echoing from mouthes all around
So sorry to act like such a clown
But sometimes I feel like my pounding brain and heart combusts
And gets the better of me.


Gripping fingertips laugh and lick
My skin that you long to kiss from afar
Hold the computer so close,
But don't glorify what you don't have
You are so right
But at midnight
You are not mine to hold
For now, we murmur.

If I could find a little space
Filled with only glass windows
Splatter paint and red roses
I would let you watch from afar
If you wanted, darling button baby
As I flew and drew
Exactly what it meant to be away from you.

Maybe I am just a fool
Maybe I am too young
Maybe I am unappreciative of what I've got
But I won't stop pouring and swimming
In the paint of the world I long to create
So come join me in the club foot bathtub
Blue paint would go perfectly with your eyes.

Or maybe I just
A flicker of an emotion human beings
Give a name to: "sad."
I remember when past lovers would refer to my emotion
As "mad"
But the truth is that I am a kaleidoscope
Full and brimming with childish wonder.

And I can't even formulate
The palette of colors I feel tonight
Because text is not enough.

But if you wanna buy me the biggest
Nicest bag, you can find baby
Do so,
I will wear it in the bathtub
With my passport and Chicago traveling eyes
In hand.

Its a Friday night
And I chose to come relish in my last moments
In this little but yet so big
Room thats fully taken on so much.

I think back on it now
With that sweet nostalgia
I get so deeply caught up in
With earnest masochism
And the innate desire
To keep kicking up my heels
And get my **** together
I seem to echo in tandem
With those that pick and seek
Simplistic but belting desires
From me
And really, the not so little
Or big
I have to give.

This time last year
A great betrayal occurred
I'll never forget my hysteria over the phone
That was not my own
I called you in such a panic
My darling, I didn't mean for that to happen
Pacing in West Avondale
I had to go be on set in a matter of minutes
And I wept, for fear I had ruined
What I thought might be us.

And I find myself standing now
In little bo-peep pink with a glass of white wine in my hand
My soon to not be room mate seems disheartened
That everyone already knows me
And we jest but really we mean it and say
He's clearly
Just so gay.

I had a little tick in the pit of my stomach
Papa and I got so sweaty in the hot sun
A new bright, brave, strong man
Wraps his arm around me amid what we think to be
Honeysuckles and he teaches me a thing or two
About what I know
But he brings a new sense of wisdom
And I cutely tell him
I like your brain.

I decided to stay away tonight
After much debate
Its my last moments here after all
4 different parties to attend
I say no thank you to them all
Tonight
Burn some sage
Make sure I'm ready
But you're never fully ready

But I stare out my new windows
Am greeted in the elevator
Buy some cute bar stools
Mama told me to walk away
And never look back.

I paced in a long blue dress
The night before
Black
Felt so alive to be everyone's ***** on a film set
And now its me who gives the orders.

Pushed down a flight of stairs
The word “*******” is forbidden
But two little girls dancing, flinging their hair about
Zoom, zoom on developing *******
I loved boys the best.

One, two, three, four
Enchanted and consumed in the world of my handy cam corder
I would hit record a thousand times,
Perform with me.
Like another limb, a lens could speak all the words I couldn’t say

Dialect so thick and heavy
Lined eyeliner
Everyone was southern
I was so southern
I am so southern.
Full circle.

And the boys, they truly are gentlemen
Perhaps we are slow in updates
And it takes time to adapt
But everyone here tries their best to be friendly
And kind.

Getting off of a plane
Looking around as if you have encountered another planet
And then slipping so fluidly, so simply
Right back into it.
But grateful to see things--me
Have changed.

Privacy is not frequent
In a house quite so big
But camaraderie and eloquent drunken conversation
Fill your heart
No matter how much you change your destination.

You know how I feel about you
I know how you feel about me
And if I felt like I could truly stay
I so would.

I wish I could
I wish we could be so sassy together
Like you described last night
Sitting on our hands
There is no way to deny
The undeniable attraction.

Do you remember when
We would say things like that to each other
When we would make love?

It's hard not to
Fall back into
You
A long hug
You pressed my body into yours
Kissing my neck like
You may never get to again
My lips black
Like you must have
Neglected them
For a full months time.

You said you like it
You like the poetic responses
I sweep up branches and limbs
That fell while you were gone
Rebuilding the shelter around me
You reach through my window
A prism of light, you can't help but want it
But baby I need you to want all of me.

I know you can't and you won't
I know you aren't gonna walk away
From the freedom you claim you seek
So I watch you watch me go.

It's September now
It's the month I was born and raised
Balancing beams and justice filled things
Pumpkins appear and take flight
I prepare for a busy ride.

Maybe we can start a new
But you're right
Honesty must not only be your water
It must become your refuge.

Fruits and enzymes nestle there
Toppled with a layer of blueberry syrup
Maybe some Jalapeño covered jams
1-2-3-4-1-2-3-4
It's like a never ending twirl
Ironed out white silk
A broken veil upon my head
I'm the invisible one.

When I speak and think on the life
I was born into
I see it whistle among the bark
Where insects with fairytale like wings surrender.

I stroke your face when I see you
Because I don't know how long I'll get to
And the arrogant side of me
Thinks I wanna be special and nourish you
In all the ways the ones before didn't.

Tokyo gleams from far away
With strobe lights sliding to and from
Neon ecstatic hibernating in a bright place
Harajuku girls echo from the window sill
Of every building I enter and exit
We enter and exit.

It's true
That I just need a little bit of cherishing
Words of affirmation from you
Just everyday
It's true
That I need solid communication
It's true
That in the tango we dance
Side by side
I share, a well of flies surrounding my honey ***
Your honeycomb
I'm oozing flavors of sensuality
But I buzz the loudest for you.

It's almost really frustrating
Because I've got the snouts and mouthes
Of men around me
But yet I still reach the hardest for you.

I know you must see
That I buzz among them
When I need to feel freedom.

My words, watch them now
No ugliness meant
But somewhere in the light
I visualize and green and blue
Hitting your face the morning you held me
And said so closely to my eyes
"Next time, and then next time after that"
Tumbling in and out, I could have sat up
Straight into the sunlight
You came in like a hurricane
And I've always identified with hurricanes.

Something about home
Maybe it's in the way that every little interaction
With the past
Or my brothers and I bickering
Because there is an acute loss in our hearts
We have to leap over
Like the peacocks and chickens
We watched move and glide all around us
Today.

I was taking off on a big plane this time last year
I fell in love and almost got killed while I was there
Late in the graffiti, the rain pouring loudly all around me
I've never known such self-possession
I've never known such trust in strangers
And in moments it swung like a pendulum
Right or left
In the rain drenched streets of Vienna
Where I loved myself.

My love for myself has felt drained lately
Sometimes I think I'm such a self-important *****
Standing in glitter and gold
Holding a microphone
There she is: The Little Southern Girl That Could.

It's in the heat of that self loathing
That sometimes I dream up the best worlds.

I have to get ready now baby.
Butter my lips, my thighs
To sit and feign a smile all night
And watch my father
Walk the other way
At the end of the night.

I fear betrayal
Abandonment I've gotten to know well
And I know you lie awake late into the night
Buzzing, buzzing the loudest
I see you and have gotten to where I can sense
How your spirit contemplates
Or rests on it's side
I never want to be demanding, selfish
I text back
But the truth is,
I am.

I am all of those things
Selfless, incredibly generous
And sometimes I just want and need
Words of love
Looks from your eyes
And I think
We are chipping away at all this work
This relationship we have
And I spin away from my own reflection.

The truth is--
I've got the words tattooed to the inside of my arm
And I hope some time
You'll stop and take the time to read it
Without me even noticing.

I think perhaps you know it well
But is in the words I write
That I think and hope
I get to show you a piece of myself
I otherwise may--
Could not.
And that's why I always long for words back
From you
Because I need to see the naked parts
The selfless, incredibly generous
Selfish
Parts of you too.

But lastly,
In this mound of letters I brought you
I wanna say that I'm glad
That for whatever reason
You stand strong
And intrigued
To twirl right with me
Even if my veil is broken.

Minuscule flickering moments materialize
Hearts adorned his shirt, the owner
"Take a bite of that wax."
But two human skulls reflect on the same power
While swatting and deflecting
"Have faith in yourself."
But lets change the vape to something
More---let us say....eccentric?
Friends, community, whatever ya wanna
Play.
Wings might as well encompass all of the earth
So worth loving.

The streak in my hair fades to crystal blue
Birds chirp and sing outside my window
The smoothie I made has a million ingredients
I don't know if I'm alone in our 3 bedroom
I ate for free today at work
Had the left overs for dinner
Everything requiring hundreds of dollars piles up high
My parents live and breathe and love me, though they will always expect more
(This is why I will always sort of believe I am never good enough)
I'll always wish I had known better with insert him
Philly continues on without me
I'm happier in Chicago than I was there
I have yet to meet "my person"
I wonder everyday, multiple times a day
If he exists
Since I was a kid, I've always believed I would be assassinated someday
My childhood friend Anna and I use to put on nonverbal sketches to music, playing out that very thing.
It was dramatic and dumb
And so rawly stunning.
I'm a freak in the sheets.
But there is nothing quite like making love.
I wake up every morning and get on the computer
But first, coffee.

I never meant to get into filmmaking
It was an accident.
I don't miss my ex, but I'd like to break his neck
I grow more and more apathetic with my feelings towards him
Each and everyday
I no longer mark out the days
But he haunted me everywhere I went Friday night.
I got caught up in perhaps, the wrong people when I first moved here
I'll always love them.
My parents still help me with money but I pray to end that
I'm the busiest I've ever been
I ate carbs today
And a chocolate popsicle yesterday
One of my girlfriends ate strawberry
It was cute.

One of my past lovers texted me a lot on Friday
(I didn't care but liked the attention)
There are so few men I'm sincerely interested in
I watch the numbers of the money I earn disappear
I miss my old friends but new ones grow
I've been here for almost a full year
I'm still figuring out who I am
Every. Day.
I finally do and say
Almost exactly as I would want.
A good friend of mine really hurt me recently with her criticism
(She did it out of love. But it was brutal)
I recover.
When a new man comes into my life, I'm scared for them to see me without make up for the first time<---a product of my upbringing and who I am.
I throw on whatever I want for clothes everyday and pay very little heed to what others would wear if they were me
I want more tattoos
I don't want to cut all my hair off anymore (as of the moment.)
My film drops and will be screened all around Chicago in mere weeks
My room mate has a much higher standard of living than me
My other room mate acts like a mouse.

I'm planning a road trip with two of my closest, newest friends
Whenever people try to own me or tell me what to do, I run.
(Literally.)
(I once ran away from my entire family in Disney World)
I spent all day being "lost"

One of my ex boyfriends lives in my old apartment with his girlfriend, it is and will always be ******* weird.
(I never really loved him but I tried to.)
My eyes work like a camera
I find myself thinking more about your new girl than you.
My dreams have always been short films
I miss my brothers
Our lives could not be more different
I want to have children
I might want to get married
But I refuse to wear white
I don't want a relationship. Not now. Not for a while.
I'm so drained, I have nothing to give other than presents
(Presence)
I'm on the IUD
I never know when I (gasp) bleed anymore
So I claim to be in a perpetual state of:
"I'm on my period?"
I worry that everyone is mad at me
(All. The Time.)
I'll always be the queen bee
(Don't even have to try.)
I retrace and go back to words exchanged, find the badness in it
It is the small interior death of me
I'm the skinniest I've ever been
I love the way my body looks
(And saying that scares me that others would find me vain)
Sometimes I pretend to like my body less to make others comfortable
Its easier to act small and shy
But I'd really rather rebel.
I miss my grandmother
(She died.)
Its time to move.
Change is always good to me.
I easily adapt
I have introduced myself and put myself out there, on my own
So. So. SO. Very much. The reward of that vulnerability
Has been so ******* plentiful.
I wish I could alter things a bit
But the struggle is so beautiful
Things are about to take off
But I'm so sick of saying that.
**** it.

I'm always tired
I love being alone.
I canceled all my plans today after work because I wanted to be with myself
(This is a thing I so deeply cherish.)
I miss theatre.
But I also really don't.
My **** got stolen Friday night
Another agent wanted to sign me, but she recommended I grow patient and give it 6 months
I look around and see who really has my back.
I am an extremely paranoid, sensitive person
I make art and it is like therapy
(I once had a co-worker who tried to steer me away from this and pit me against a best friend. She failed.)
I wear a uniform to one of my day jobs. I hate it.
(Khaki and brown)
I would rather find gems at a thrift store than drop $200 on one blouse
My dress for the premiere looks like a goddess gown
It is mothers day
I miss Alabama
I woke up with pink eye this morning
One of my girlfriends wants to move back home
(She is one of very very favorites. Lets hope she sticks it out.)
The first year is always the hardest.
Its always hard.
Highest highs. Lowest lows.

I bring light into every situation
And for once
I'm allowing myself to really
Own that.

I found you standing in your doorway
It was yellow and dark
Your hair was down, your body as always
Thin
You looked like a beautiful statue
Illuminated by your darkness
And mine too.

We made love on a chair from the 90s
One of those wooden ones with a white cushion
You threw up on your arm afterwards
And I cleaned it up with a single paper towel.

There were infants in this dream too.

I drank mugwort tea and watched Bladerunner
Checking my phone every too often
Waiting for your call.


I imagine you fell asleep
I cherish you in the pit of my stomach
And at the core of my heart
The heart I’ve protected for quite some time.

I lean in, I glide out
I write and hope
Hang onto what good I have to believe there is

I know you will call me soon.

You looked more like a man today
Than you ever did before.
But I had to leave you, on a Thursday.

So many things I planned to say
Your eyes immediately welling with tears
Jaw so tight,
I thought of all the times we would fight
Enough is enough, I tell all my friends.

I had to change the music that escorted the scene
To something that would better match the melody
Of your welling tears, in the room.
You saved me, at a time when I needed it the most
I will remember you for that always,
I whispered amidst your: "I am so sorries"
And your: "Please just don't leave my life."
I meant what I said.

I worried you would never walk out of my apartment
Talking to me in circles, I felt responsible
But knowing.
Maybe I am a freak, maybe I am just a romantic
But you looked more like a man to me today
Than you ever did before.
But I let myself leave
And dance ******* free.

Your legs seemed longer, stronger
Your forehead more wrinkled
Scruff on your face
Where was this guy?
The look in your eyes, you knew your heart had been taken away
I had to do it.
Long Eyelashes, you said to me:
"I was filled with such hate and bitterness, before I met you. You taught me to love again."
Choking and stumbling, salivating
Smiling a smile that broke your heart,
"What a beautiful thing that is. I'm glad I could do that for you."
I meant what I said.
Wishing it was possible to dive into the nearest pool
And sink to the bottom, I darkly thought.
But I had to let myself leave.

Your mouth opened
Before you left, that you would probably drink
A lot tonight
Please do no harm.
But I know you would come after me any time
At 3am, but I'll do my best
Not to call.
Because I had to let myself leave.
I wept after you left.


Just like one big weary worn out sigh
That little table of mine
Has seen it all.
Drowning, singing to you all
When will my tail and I surrender?

I heard the door jingle and jangle
Let you exit
Wanted you to exit
Wanted the clutter to exit
Too much avocado, for me
Thank you for the extra
But I had to let myself leave
For the last time.
But always remember me
I think in some way,
I taught you the pirouettes of love.

Its cold as *****
In this little bougie hotel
Tour guide refers to his mouth as
"His crawl."
The Deep South yawns strings of pearls and white linen
Out of its luxurious mouth
Honeysuckle Rose Martini
A dash of lemonade
Remember when you came up to me
Your little dancer boy swagger

And you so joyously but cautiously touched my shoulder:
"Can I call you Lemon?"
I remember turning to my left, looking at you
Such happiness and newness in my eyes
Twinkling, don't go to the skatepark
"Yeah!" I said
Just waiting for you to come back.

I guess I have spent a lot of my life
Waiting for him or that--
To come back.
A slew of I love you's
A slew of promises and futures
My heart half in and half out
Of every single bit of it
An invisible stop sign in my face
Breaking and tearing
But ultimately surrendering
Down my own path

Poverty
Women
Black lives matter
White privilege
Terrorism

Why why why?

Riots in Chicago last night
I'm not a traditional religious woman
But I whisper to the goodness of the universe
That everyone in this world
Be kept safe.

Heres a written letter of my possible fruitful future
Don't toss me away
Don't look past what I could do
Brother goes on and on
About solar panels
Do something for the world, he says
As we debate and pontificate over our
Abundance of food
Good company and heads on our bodies
All I wanted to do was call you.

I don't know why some people don't text back
And I don't know why some people put guns in their hands
And I certainly don't know why more people don't just sit down
To write.

Playing footsie with autumn leaves on the ground
Hearing story after story about Jim Williams
Restorationist, murderer--his spirit lives on
In this here southern lil town
Lets stare at his old paintings
Or right where he passed away
Wander through his house
And wonder how and why his legacy stayed.

Do something for the world?
Awaking numb, words are even such a chore
But you said, you said they were my tool

I plug my phone in across the room.

Green envy flame, Titania reigns
Sweat/glisten, some men can't listen
Make up less face, love me the same way
Hard to leave this place
But new beginnings written
All over my eager face.

Extension of yourself,
My spirit--soul reaching, like inked limbs
Of tomorrow, crescent moon
Consumed in the artistry of every moment
Like my picture 142 times
Gotta wear overalls, crop top
Reach for the back audience members

Everyone is losing a nickel and dime
All the time.

Padding and sheets on the floor
"Talk about bohemian dream livin"
I jest in my nest of what has been
My nurture, vulnerability, intimacy.

We all comment and slosh
Our glasses embedded with whiskey
"Its so embedded"
Long Eyelashes said, as muscles and new dreams
Look sweeter, but lets kiss on Friday night
As I fly away from the ultimate Bohemian
Who told me in my cocoon:
"You talk too much."

Why do men say such things?
Is it that hard to listen?
To fill others with sincerity, joy
I don't know.

That extension of love
My mind wheeling around
Geography, topography, calculous
But in essences of green, red, purple
My keypad does not allow
Quick, swift fingers to say to past violence
"Wish you well."

Remember how I use to send you poems of the day?
Me neither.
But I can, through that lie to myself
Outline what I thought we were
Like an ink gun exploding
Just GO, girl

Because my wishing, my kissing
I flutter like a sea of dragons
For those who join the ride,
Next to me.

The Windy City.
Sometimes I worry heavily
About popularity.
But I took my time walking the city street
Tonight.
I stopped in front of the grave site
Where freedom was won for us
Through ****** wounds and all the tunes
Of men who fought so valiantly
To just tell women: "You talk too much."
?????
????
??

Lets fight the good fight
Lets replace our swords with sharpness of wit
Lets put down our guns and aim generosity, instead
Lets let go of the mallet
The grenade
The pitchfork
The joust
Wouldn't you rather save, expel
Your energy for a peaceful humanity
Happiness rings at its doorbell.

Wedding veil, do we run out of things
To discuss?
Past the age of huge mistake, some say
Wait until you are at least 30
While the South croons and cranes
Patriarchy.

Who is to hammer down their gavel
Of how to map out your life
Who needs an exact map?
Lets sleep on the floor
Ink our bodies to look like paintings
Kiss lips of those we love
Trust that success, happiness
Peace--
Is no where to be found
In weaponry.

Fingers crossed, heart open
Once again, praying don't let this happen again.
Waking in the morning, a kick in my step
Old blue jean jacket and sweat
I fearlessly lead.
But I want the weather to be warmer
I want to be thinner
And I wish you hadn't turned out to be such a coward.

I know it really couldn't have been something
My insides yelling at me, why did you think otherwise
Long Eyelashes can say a million I love you's
But he's got those empty pockets and bachelor stare
While my eye twitches from all the caffeine
And all the goodbyes I hear.

I fear bitterness could easily take hold
Everyone works it out with their significant other
But I film myself on my screen
Let me give myself peace.

I threw your tshirt and scarf away with a rush
In the dumpster of my court yard today
Red cartoon swirls around my head
Videogames, wasted words, late nights
Feeling like I was better
All for nothing.

I wish I had known you too,
Would end up being such a loser.
And I hate to feel angry.
Its not really my style
But can't a girl catch a break?

Seems like the universe demands no man sustain
My heart, while everyone chimes in
I am a warrior, fearless, and goodness
But why, why, why

I have started to hate my house
I have grown tired of the same place
But I try to swallow these past few hours of bitterness
Too much to do.

Haven't even touched Slaughtering April Fools
But I know I must, planning an Alabama runaway
It always comes in when needed.
But why did I put my future and hopes out there
Just let me please book this sweet thing, let this come through
Show me universe my path is aflame.

A wind cascading out
I hold my own hand, once again
24 years young, I sometimes
Have to tell my parents to give me space

I have never been a believer in regret
Two months and I will really
Look around with newfound eyes
Soak it up, my empty hand
I rise to any and all occasions.

I can hear the rush and whistle of the trees
My skin is so chapped from the Colorado
Wind
I’m not sure how to
Make it feel soft again.

I slept hard and pretty at peace
Hoping the sun will come out
On this final day
Of vacation.

To vacation
A thing I convince myself I deserve
Those closest to me reassure me
I in fact
Do.

I let my paranoia and the awareness
Of the lack of support I feel
I acknowledge
And decide to let it drift up and out of the window
Of my air b n b
Bedroom.

He’s got staple guns
And a bottle of ambition
I told him on the phone
I don’t wanna get in the way
He said you are no distraction
I give advice when he asks for it
Dreaming up plots and fantasies
He made a comment about adventure
Rope, he mentioned rope
I miss him dearly
I know he misses me too.

I too, let that float out of my
Air b n b
Window.

I’m broke again now
I should have budgeted better
Spending my money like a drunken
Or better yet
High as hell
Sailor.

How will I get by on this last day?

I drink coffee
I sat out on the patio
Ignore emails
It is nearly time to pack up
To think on all I have gained and learned.

He won’t be there when I return
His journey with cameras and fire
Is only just beginning
But I close my eyes
Let it drift out the window
And try to trust
For once in my life.

What will it take
For me to
Erase the memory of your defeated eyes
From my mind
"Its is no longer your responsibility"
A catalyst of strong women
Whisper and soothe
All around me.

I wish I had known better
I wish I had not lost sight of myself
As you create barriers, shields, and oceans
Between us
I guess your soul and heart
Must really ache.
But I have done all I can do.

I have to cut the slices of my mind away
That start to drip and tick with worry
Paranoid, 8 people turn in unison
Asking, waiting, talking
Such non-stop pecking
I let myself breathe out
As a few pat me on the back
My face looks so tired
I dream so deeply and vividly of my past
Curl into my bed happy
To be without you
But oh, the repercussions
For things I never really did
Or meant to do.

I wish I could light a match
And burn that orange sweater on fire
I wish I could switch back time
And take you for what you just were
I wish I had known better.

But I didn't
And I couldn't
And as much as I have to play games with my mind
To keep you at bay
Its 8 people that really make me stay away
Without even meaning to.

But I release it into the very blue sky
I wonder if you feel happier without me
I know you wonder the same
Perhaps in time
Perhaps in time
But that day is just not today.

I think back on all I've done
All I've seen
As I barely have a moment
Men open doors and chase me down
But I know the right one
Has yet to take a seat in front of me.

But I play
And I wear and shred wedding dresses
Forget whatever heaven is
You were never going to be
What you could be.

Eyes heavy
I remove memories and lies
From the shattered places of my mind
And sweat and dance it away
There is nothing more I can do.

Do you remember the way
That we'd act before anything happened
I remember our first couple of texts
And when we talked on the phone
The sound of your voice made me nervous
Typing in notes, trying to match your level
I felt like I had so much to prove.

You are tall and lean
Your hair swings when you let it down
I can look up into your face
But we are pretty neck and neck
In life
In our careers
In where we reside
In the way we look at art
Life
Maybe love, a little bit
At least.

I wore a purple blazer
The glow filling my face
You set up lights
I sit at tables and delegate
You dream of visions and lenses
I dream of
I'm not entirely sure actually.

You dangled high expectations before me
In my baseball cap I'd leap up and swing
Right into ownership, a self proclamation
It was you and your crew
Versus me and my crew
We sat on a bench
I remember the way we communicated
It was strong and direct
Whirling through long days
I started to enjoy standing by your side

I wanted to do whatever I could
To make sure that you felt cared for
A tug of war where I would secretly
Boomerang back and forth.

I wore red, long, sparkling eyes
We sat together, texting before
I grew to like you
I grew to favor you
I liked that we had something no one else had.

I remember the way we left the party together
And the way I danced with and away from you
Sometimes now, I'll play music and we'll get up and move together
I think to emulate that first night.

I don't want to think of myself as an interruption any longer
And I sometimes wonder when you think on me
If you marinate on the words I've given you
Or when your eyes meet mine
If you remember some of the lines
I fed you with an iridescent spoon.

You are very special to me Alex
Gratitude drifts up through the vines that entangle my bones
Like a flurry of flowers that cascade in and out of my spine
Glad that you can soak in and take in all the letters--
With your antics and the way you get nervous
Your solid colored t-shirts and your desire
To reach out and express
Attempting to give yourself what you want
I drift in my own cloud of holographics and paint.

The window you reach through
I've opened it
Though my heart and my legs do not
Relish in one place with you
And with you alone.

But even still
When we return to the well
And think on the water we both wanted to drink
At least we'll know
We gave each other a good lovin'.

Here's the thing
At this young point in my life
I do not matter that much
Because there are no dollar signs next to my name
And that cannot change
Until others step up
So desiring it to change
And it reminds me
Of how very alone I am
In this career of mine
That I have chosen
And I will be a master
Of what I know I was meant to do
Whether it matters
To you or you.

A thousand and one bars of soap
Could probably never wash away my
Filthy, filthy little mouth.
But hold the bar of soap up baby
Like a trophy you won
Clean and powder me
Like the rag doll, I am.

Tiny black letters and sounds echoing from the mouth
"Just me."
God if I could just press
Delete, delete, delete
Hating how I cannot formulate
Or build models, like you
To represent the measurement
Of how glorious this could be.

But do, come back
As a "just you"
And chase after me.
I wish I could mutter aloud
How I feel and not scare
You or myself
Away.
I didn't know I could feel like such a we
So happily.

Sometimes I shudder and shake, press my hands
Against my face
Because I can't just--*******
Express the way you, your body
Quivers and shakes
When you take me under your fire.

I could sit in the corner of your room
Intelligent back and head to me
But we can't forget each other are here, in this very room
Nails scratched down your back a thousand and one times
There is just never enough time.
Leaving the baby letters of my name
Ten syllables
Behind
Don't forget me.

Heavy intricate weights,
Lift them off and over
A thousand and one times
But I gotta just pace, huff and puff
Like a little baby dragon
Pour red wine down my mouth, a thousand and one times
Because I worry sometimes
That I am never enough.

Lets plant a garden of everything that could be
I can see you shoveling and sweating
While my heart dangles from the branches
Above our heads
Throw a lasso, lets tie the swelling hearts together.

Slip that off, its full of you and me
Rich, full, fumes of realized desire
Lets lust after what could happen
If we err or choose a route
But all white or a bow tie
I kick pure sand with my toes
But we gotta both take our owns roads.

Perhaps for now.
But don't let your arms fall low
Your blue wise eyes filled with wonder
Lets dance to how lucky we could be.

God, **** the word "how"
And **** my ***** little mouth
A thousand and one times.
Scolding thoughts and untold tales
I am friends with the word fail

Bring me to you, find me
I can promise adventure.

Beer stein in your hand,
Filled with coffee to the brim
Slumber so little,
We seem to slumber so little
Darkly lit room
Romance that surprises me

You've got that typical Yards IPA in your hand
So willing to share
I've never met a more generous man.
Its me that walks towards you in the romantic bar
Its me.
Its me that you turn to see
Your face lighting up, how could I forget.
So willing to share, I could get use to this--
You say--your life becoming poetic words
Embodied through vines and whimsical turns

A man with a guitar at the airport sitting next to me
Keeps looking at me
As if he knows something
Maybe its my red eyes or ***** hair
But I wish I could ***** out
How wonderful you are.

Maybe its too soon
Maybe its too quick
And its certainly difficult
When I have love from another breathing down my neck
And I'll be honest, it makes me feel like a ****.
But why fight
Feeling the most wild, on a full moon
God, I use to be so addicted to romantic plight.

Its not fair.
Because I can't just use my words
They don't seem to be enough.
But if I could paint you a portrait
Using only my body
Feeling your magnetic full touch
My skin would shine like diamonds on fire

I am almost wondering
If my words are worth discarding
Honesty and goofiness have taken over my soul
Who knows if expiration dates have come into play
But I don't remember the last time
Someone really saw me.
The way you do.
You generous, mythical man.

Lets go out, lets dance in the crowd
Hair whipping around like a fiery phoenix
Who needs sleep and food?

I hit this bowl to my face
Blow up mattress last night stay
I can't figure out how to cover the ikea
Built sofa, as the older generation
Pens and pencils in their hands
Waiting and procrastinating
They think they have too much of me
In their category.

But I don't wait
Pontificate, an army of dreamers next to me
Unpack suitcases and drawers of clothes
My mouth so wet with the thought
Of physical sunshine back in my life
I know you have loved hard
You know I have loved hard
But the ice in my coffee has completely melted
Lets just be ready for each other.

Maybe its betrayed kisses
Or my temple that keeps spasming
Caffeine, lack of sleep, pick me up
You think I'm so **** in my little barbie top
But I feel most free with no make up.

Colorado, years we fantasize upon
As the demons of my lurking past
Sometimes whip and bite into my chest
Nostalgia should have been my middle name.

14 days?
We count down, whisper and say
Each others name
Late into the night as the moon coos and whimpers
Every time we release
To the thought of each others skin again.

Let me be
Let me let me
Be the moon fanged woman
To change everything.

Everyone seems to have their somebody
And my somebody did nothing but let me down

I can't turn the brightness down
It's winter now.

My cat cuddles up next to me
Like a cat in an anime would.

I pinpoint bubbles and styrofoam
Holding fractals of light like a table
The sun shines down as I catch the rays.

I try to talk about it all less and less these days
I've spent so much time worrying and wanting
And tonight I think about the
Girl gangs, squads
Where we would twiddle and twaddle
Forgetting and listening
Very little.

I didn't do my eyebrows back then
My hair starts to grow down the nape of my neck
I'm always worried about dolla bills.

I practice not needing so much
Painting in an array of responsibilities
I whistle and I wait
I whistle and I hope.

I'm not sure what for
But it doesn't really matter does it
Standing in the crowd
Or sitting at the bar
I paid for nothing but ubers last night
Blinking away the dust
Everything is a little different now

And that's just fine
That's just fine.

Body aching
Eyes dark and drooping
So much writing, thinking
To do.
The sky grows darker out my window
You say you worry, because you still obviously care.

The truth of it all
Is that despite my convincing, my deep loving
Because when I invest, I invest my hardest
I like me better
Without you underneath me.

But we acknowledge there is tension
We text drunkenly at times
We miss and wish we could kiss
Away the marks we left behind.

But a new moment here
A new experience there
I should really drag myself out for that run.

Chicago moves and booms
With everything happening so fast
So intensely
I keep up, sleeping so little so little
But you wanna lecture me and say
That you still care baby.

Lets do indeed,
Toast to us and all the things
We could never be
Thank you for teaching me
And making me a better me
In the end,
With your romantic exit.

But I love you, I do
And my heart has a slight cut
On the right tip
From where you supported
Listened
Held me when I was lost
But in the end
I'm the only one who can free me
From this beautiful, white picket fenced
Bird cage.

She came into our lives as quickly as she left
We urged her not to forget us
Snapchatting all our fears away
We begged the others, of her same cloth
Not to abandon our fruitless group facebook message
The thread, she
Created
But we forgot all of those pieces of truth.

She dreamed of our existence
And titled it "Hobble Cage"
Because she couldn't think of a better name
At the time
But she will never forget the morning she awoke in her
Philadelphia sunshine, next to a best friend
Wrote it all down turned it into a thing
As to not forget
We cat called one another in her mind
Men catcalling men
And the women, they ran around in nothing but their underwear
We stuffed one of them into a trash can.

Starbursts at last
She bought them to share with the doggest of dogs of us
And for months she would not go to open up the package
Because she meant to share
But tonight she eats them all.

Young feet dancing and stomping the yellow starbursts down
Into a thin crust
On the Indian themed coffee table
In the deep south.

One of us sketched her in our notebook
When she first arrived
"I can't spend my life worryin' about the police"
She would tell the dog
He loved it.
It was so new
He flew back to the bar on his longboard
Sat next to her and bought shots all night
He wanted so badly to be the right one
Put on a big show, schematics and magic tricks
To appear
Like the warrior sun king
He knew she needed
And he so desperately and like
The dead bird she passed on the sidewalk today
Its face buried in the ground
Upturned
He failed
And will have to live with that fact
For the rest of his days.

She carries on
Its a vulnerable thing
The last starburst
Red
Some, many
Try to barricade her with rope and steel
But she always flies and leads the coop.

I wish I didn't feel lost today.

But I do.

Hazy bright glazed over sunshine
Taping new post cards to my wall
Roll out of bed like theres so much to be done
Never having a minute, never having a minute
But you all have to understand
I did what I did because I had to.

Got guilt breathing down my neck tonight
Wishing things could have been different
My room mate lamented last night
"I wish you had never of met him."
We chime and we sing in the warmest of voices
I wish I hadn't either.

Not really sure what the purpose was
Why I had to get burnt so badly for about the 5th time
I cross off more numbers in blueberry ink
I don't text The Wolf today
Because I'm so unavailable.

Mama keeps repeatin' and repeatin' how much
I look like my Grandmother
It brings her such joy
There was a time I felt the same
But lately, so much lately
I just wanna be me.

I don't have anything new to say
Listening to words for hours on end
Increased empathy, love
I roll and I roll
Out of apartment, it felt so cold when I got home
I wonder why or why
Why, he hasn't shared the beauty I wrote
I don't really expect profound responses back.

I need 6 months, thats it
I try to exclaim and make the others understand
I wish I hadn't gotten pummeled the first year.

But I've learned so much
I've grown so much
As pictures of my first love in Philadelphia circuit the internet
I think of how horrible he was to and for me
He can't really be that much better
I remember the rage hidden in that handsome face
Behind perfectly cooked meals and vintage clothes
I've gained and I've lost
I've gained and I've lost.

I can't wait to see pictures of you and not care.

"He's still in love with you"
I'm told in the car on the way to parties
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care
Because you couldn't stand next to me.


I think about you a lot tonight
I listened to a song that once brought me such hope
I don't know when I'll be in love again
And it doesn't matter what the context for you anymore is

Because it just doesn't matter
I did all I could do
I've led with nothing but love
And if you are embarrassed, ok
And if you are sick, ok
And if you are saddened, ok
And if you are angry, ok
And if you are still in love

Just leave me be.

I did what I had to do
And now I don't give a ******* **** anymore
Cuz my life is taking off all around me.

Thank you for walking away.

Iced coffee it’s a little chilly
Red eyeliner on my eyes

She’s beautiful but she’s lost and insecure
Like a little girl
But she’s gonna be so successful
You can see where she’s goin’
One of my best friends
Said about me.

It’s almost like
It would be better
If I disappeared a little
To make everyone more comfortable.

But I let those kind of thoughts go
I acknowledge my vulnerability
The quietness to my voice
And I hear him calling me babe and baby
And I too,
Let that go.

I’m gonna go
I packed my bags and time
I leave my laptop behind.

I find so rarely are people there
When you really need them
A self absorption fulfills us all.

But I wear Kyanite around my neck
With all it’s transmitve healing properties
And wait to board the plane
Hearing from my father
Chiming on how it’s all about to change.

I kind of don’t care sometimes
I’ve got that apathetic sad girl party vibe
At times.

She apologized
I relieve myself into the darkness
Sometimes none of it feels worthwhile
No camera
No computer
Just time with me.

Last, first
Second, third
I don't know if I can really spell anymore.

******* numbers.
Why does everything have to--
Documents, folders, texts, moments
First, last
I don't know if you are my last.

But I, I can't help it
I could cuddle up to you in a taxi cab
After you tell me to "come here"
A million times
Know me, I promise

And I can send you my poetry
Or I can play games
But I guess all I can really say
Is I do--I have the tendency
To sit here in my slip
Your jacket
And know this isn't supposed to just--
Just

Maybe its the masks behind me
Or the life you would lead
If I didn't disappear
Into smoke
But
If you
Covered me in Spanish and red chilli peppers
I meant what I said.
I promise that--

I would love it best
If you took off your shirt now
And forgot about any tomorrows.

I thought about leaving
My alarm sounding in the morning
Our faces drew lines across the floor
The night before
Making love was hazy
I pulled away in an instant
And replay all the ways
I've been fought with, tortured even
Watching the back of a man
Exit
Renter
And finally exit.

All of those men seemed to come back
Return again for more
As we laid next to one another
I told you what had been on my mind
Watching you process it in that deep dark way you do
Like you are light years away
Reaching for you
You reach back.

You're a beautiful and mysterious creature
Someone that could be around for it all
Maybe not in the same way someday
But our eyes flicker back to one another
Like we can't seem to give it up
Can't seem to give each other up.

You said you wrote two poems
Scolding you in the kitchen
Jam with bread
I hope you always feel connected to me
Even in the moments where we don't feel quite as heard
I hope the connection never dies.

I used to ask myself where have you been all this time
The times where I fluttered around this city
With a platinum blonde mane
Drank and did drugs a lot
Like I had nothing and everything to lose
Or I'll think about the me I was in Philadelphia
How sporty and cool I was right after graduation
I think maybe you would have liked her the most.

I fantasize about you caring for everyone but me
Even the older versions of myself seem better
And that's probably the point of my achilles heel.

I woke up and held you for what felt like a long time
Before I left for Los Angeles
I had words I couldn't quite seem to find
As you slumbered and turned away
My hands started to write you notes
Like I used to do
But I didn't
I wasn't sure it would matter
So I went and left
And thought about never coming back.

Kissing you in the morning
Looking into your eyes
Do you feel it too?
Like when we connect everything around us becomes
Hazy, blurry, insignificant?
And I know you well enough to know
None of that is coated in badness
To momentarily forget ourselves, for a time
No, if anything it's the most heightened feeling
Humanity looks for
I think and believe.

It reminds me of sitting in classrooms
Of delivering speeches
All of the grass stones I'd leap upon
As a child in the Alabama sunshine
I mean it when I say I'll bring you sometime
Someday
For fried catfish
And southern lovin.

I know what it means to come from a broken family too
Maybe within the brokenness
The deep emotive caverns of our inner silence or
Noise
Or the way our eyes are light and our eyebrows pale
Maybe it's within that commonality, we love.

Geology, goodness
You've got your own theories
We teach and we swing
Batter up
Batter up right into you
I explain in hisses that I just like to spar
I like to spar because so few can keep up
We both have our own shields.

I don't know what any of it means
I don't know that it matters
I'm not so much interested in the big picture of life anymore
Here in the moments
Where your touch makes me tremble
Or I make you laugh for a reason I don't understand
Or we reminisce on how we danced
Saying goodbye all the way to the door of my front porch
You wrote me before because something was on the line.

When you go home and find yourself resting
Fingers etching, find the comfort of knowing
That even a syllable from you
Would make me smile.

Bend me over,
He said, the counter looks so *****
Lets bend me over
But a bottle of fireball in my hand
I tell myself its my job to teach you a lesson.

You and your girlfriend, a few stories below
You and your daughters, your wives, your mothers
Be good to them.

I can't offer the seat across from me to you today
Because I wait for someone.
And as everyone around me touches legs
I know my beating membrane resides elsewhere.

I have found peace with not seeing
Or hearing your voice every day
So I just use it.
I sweat, glisten, pour
As large blackened hands reach for me
But I twirl so handsomely
Into my cocoon.


Can't help but ponder
If you stumble upon this site
Try to gage where I am at
By sight seeing my typed words
That I no longer send to you
Not to inflict hurt
But because I write for me
I know you have got that folder of my face
I hope you remember the essence, smell of me
On your neck and lips.
But for now, I sit alone.


New York City shining lights
Wait to fill my heart
Temporarily and it won't pain me
Because the Betrayer don't mean nothin' at all
What an experience it all is.

Pack the bags,
Text all morning,
I barely eat these days.
Chicago, LA, Chicago
Feeling hope and a new beginning
As I cry in the theatre
Nothing like moving art
Writing my name on the ceiling
I journey on.

Its cold in my room tonight
Throat swollen, mouth tastes just like
Two days ago, weeping on my bed
Your face so red, eyes swelling
Like all the times I admitted
The hole that I am constantly trying to fill.

I remember just for a brief moment
Maybe because the past has skated through my mind
Via the interwebs tonight
I started to feel faint
As we stood, looking down at the performers from up above
We had to leave, you were so mad at me
Local dive bar by my old Philadelphia house
That my darkest past now resides and plays house in
Perhaps cooking stuffed chicken with goat cheese
And all the times I hopped in a cab and tried to leave
All the scratches and ****** marks, holes in walls near my head
Painted on me like cinnamon or paprika spices
Behind.
I remember sitting in the booth, across from you
My Artsy Cynical Bohemian
I was so much lighter before you drove your fingernails
Into the shoulder blades of my back
With black dust and pointed silver
But you didn't know you were digging up buried wings.
I can't quite pin point specific words that were said
But I remember feeling a deep neglect.

It feels like just yesterday
My life was completely different
Walking outside my little stairs
Cafes and restaurants all around me
Swiftly kicking my legs to the gym
Or a friends to smoke ****
Walking dogs all hours of the day
Sleep overs, red velvet pancake
Inking our notebooks with evocative thoughts, creations
So hopeful, full of dreams
Worried about the little things
Pumpkin spice, or all the boys I cried over
Everything feeling and seeming so complex
But so very small.

I wonder how it all fairs, without me now
As it takes me 45 minutes to get anywhere
In the icy windy city
And this is the most sick I have repeatedly been
Since I was a little kid
Mama wishes I was home so that she could take care of me
As I try to rationalize my love life
Or confusing "lack" of one over mobile devices.

I think this is the most alone I've ever been
If you could write that out just like I did
With my calligraphy pen, a sweet Christmas gift
From a dear friend
Who often sits next to me, deep in thought
His thoughts distracted, it seems as though he
Would rather be anywhere else
But we play drinking games, my eyes tantalizing
Passing out in the Lost Boys bedroom
As you read these words,
I want you to take a deep moment to think about
How richly good it felt for you to hold me in your arms
To cover me in forgotten kisses, caresses
As you fall asleep tonight
Embracing or running away from the image of my
Corn husk face
In your butterfly colored mind.

"Your body is bangin.' You have the body of a **** star."
Another said to me just earlier this week.
He's tried to see me several times since then
As I prefer my own company.

Its funny how my mind will imagine
And write stories
Doors closing in my face as new ones widely open
Back to you.
Lets freeze time for a singular moment
Walking past the train that sunny fall day
Damen blue line, your hand gently grazed in between
Where my wings use to--
Where my wings are--
Where my
What a sorrowful day that was.
You agree with me, you say
As we text across the bus or train
Adoring each other like strangers
Fleeting, intoxicating moments
And the hard cold fact
Is that I haven't felt this way
In a very long ******* time
And I don't know when I will again.

Tick ******* tock.
If I were a superhero
I would fly high into the clouds and give everyone lasting
Happiness.

Until something levels better comes along
I am reassured,
My throat welling up as if caught in a blender
That I dive into with blueberries, frozen banana
As you cuddle me, big white tennis shoes
But such a small frame
I see you and I see you and I begin to still
Even see you
For who and what you really are now.

Nina Simone
I watched her on my computer screen tonight
What a mighty, mighty woman
Worshipped, misunderstood
Beautiful, talent like a phoenix
Crooning her art into existence.

And there it is again
A fleeting moment of the past
And how hard I tried to make that
Into a lasting entity.
My God, I have spent my life
Trying to make it work.
Buying a drink, waiting for you
I remember the first time you almost left me
I was so ashamed of myself the next day
For having almost caused you to do such a thing
We met up on the street,
The Philly sunshine springing towards us
As you patted and tapped my *****, so lovingly
Like I would always be yours.

But we changed, or maybe we never really were
And I see the twinkling lights
Of when my mother smoked a cigarette in front of you
As you both inhaled and exhaled smoke
In what I wanted to be
Our fairytale story, purple cauliflower
And I knew deep in my heart
That you had no prominent plans
For our future.

My Little Peter Pan
You are the first to really
Do that
Since him
And there is a sense of such love, contentment
In those love taps
On the backside you deem:
"So Coppertone."

I worry and I fear my own ticking clock
Of being stuck or isolated in never fully moving forward
As powerful women sit merely feet away from me
Empowering and inspiring, living and dreaming
Having their art, their families, their love
I want it all.

But in time, in time
As I gaze at age 25
Lament not having this or that
So many text messages
You or he or they
Shield me from ripping your heart into pieces
As I lay next to you floating in a terminal of wine and whiskey
Men around me saying they have never encountered such strength
Such empowerment
How threatening.

When I was a little girl
I always broke the rules.

Sweaty tank top, got that Chicago running fume
I can see him and his kissing lips
Read his poetry, he writes all this poetry
Right next to my side.

Let Freedom Ring!!
I want to exclaim and celebrate
Confetti all around us.
I remember when you came back to the bar
After I so iconically stated:
"I can't live my life worrying about the cops."
****.
I'm so in love with you.

"I love your poem...and you"
I run through Avondale, but men are casing our apartment
Gotta hide camera equipment
In my tomb of clothes
But I put myself in the room, put myself in the room
Can't wait
Manilla envelopes, the size of my head
Mr. Mailman make sure my career
So safely make me stand out.

Coffee and a windy city day
I wish you could have stayed
But I can see you, with your strong legs
Tapping and leaping
Into the air, like you were meant to do
My eloquent and boyish cardinal.

A flurry of "Don't forget me's"
We FaceTime at the approximate o'clock
You know I'm gonna have my dinner bought for me
Kisses to spare
But you leap in the air
While I set fires
On the highest, looming stairs.

I don't think I'll share this one with you
But 43 days--count em' down
I contemplate and pontificate
I just got here.
So I just go here.
You wont, and don't
Be a coward like the rest--
Find me among the flames.

Can a person be your narcotic?
"You gotta find a way to pull yourself out of this"
"You need to decide what your narcotic is!"
But I am the girl with the ***** martini in hand
Shaking my head to myself
I wanna be my own narcotic.

But there is nothing like seeing his face
Though he is light years away
And you understand when you hear your best friend say
"My narcotic is away, his name is _"
All these blank spaces, sick of the black spaces
I don't want to forever ride on a blank space.

Twiddling thumbs and rubbing lips
Slobber slides down like a cliff hanger
Beaming perky ******* and joyful words
I miss waking up next to you
But I think I gotta be my own narcotic,
First.

If we depend on others,
If we completely depend on others
How will we fair when we link arms with solitude
I want you so badly, I tell you
Your face glowing and staying in the memory of my mind
But I don't want you to be my drug.

I want a companion, a champion
I want a witness to my life, someone that holds me
Late into the night
But I am just fine sleeping alone.

As women, we hustle after love
Give me that baby bump, ring on my finger
In whatever ******* order--women of our generation wail
But I can't do that right now, and I don't wanna--
Gotta be your own narcotic

Sometimes you do NEED a little help from your friends
And tapping your fingers into the palm
Of marijuana, whiskey, your best friend, poetry
Or holding your computer close because he is so far away
And this is the closest you will get to touching
That pretty hairy face.


I don't really know what I am trying to say today
But I am a believer in being steadfast
In finding peace with being on your own
How can you ever really love,
If you depend on someone to be your narcotic?
I want someone who will enjoy narcotics with me
I want someone happy sitting in the front row
I want someone strong and knowing.

But first, let me inhale my own intoxication.

I let myself love you so much this morning.

Put yourself into me
But I'm sorry I have to look away
Sometimes, but it's true
Someone else fills my mind
But let's do, let's just go
Along for the ride

I don't remember the last time
I really slept
Or didn't share a bed
This week
But I could play on repeat
Sweet Christmas gifts, hearing
I love you, a thousand times
But don't be so scared.

Newness, a sign of what could be
But I can't let go of me
So I ride Lady Liberty
Down Deep South

Drinking in red and green
Let's discuss the future
Crying in the freezing air in East Falls
Across from a dear friend
Moved, let's move people
But first, let me hit that ****
And take a long gulp of whiskey sweet

And you, you are such a treat
Poetics don't have to end
I could get use to you sitting at a nice bar
Waiting for little ole me

Go, go
My professor said to me last night
A family and children and love will find it's way
Travel, go
But I can see it all flashing in my mind
And I worry
That I will old maiden
Be

But let's go down south
Let love in from every outlet
Put myself in me.

Not sure why
This white man thinks
We moon ladies
Ain't worth the investment
He trickles in his own sovereignty
Deciding to highlight an inner resentment

You're just obscenely jealous.

Chicago summer nights
I attempt to refuel and take care of myself

Lights out
My cat meows and hops onto the bed with me
I wish I could be more of a present thought
In your brain.

Clouds and pesticides
I could have gone to an event tonight
But I cleaned and took my laundry in
Cooked dinner and listened to a podcast
Went for a run and showered my bones
Defining myself through how I move and breathe
On my own.

I miss you dearly
I hope you miss me too
I know you said you do.

We watched movies with neon lights
Do you remember the way I wadded up the bottom
Of your boxer shorts
Because I got so antsy
During the movie?

Staying out of the way
I exist and I linger
In the halo of my own prism.

You come back in 20 days
You spoke of the count down not that long ago
Using words like babe and baby
You were affectionate and meaningful
I cried to my therapist

Love is certainly not convenient.

A late night walk
The sun is warm
A hazy hot
This time last year I lived in an empty studio
My furniture given to the dearest friends
And an old lover
I left behind.

My eyes are tired
Life and people move on along
Sometimes I really wish things were different
I seem like I have it all together
But today I needed and just to
Sob most of my eye make up off
In my cute work outfit
Looking like lemon sunshine
Everyone from work chimed
Coming down from Molly
All the attention made me breathless
As the day wore on my heart
Got so heavy.

We pulled the plug last night
The Beautiful Innovator & I
But I know I don't gotta say nothin'
Negative
You sent me sweet honest text
And you must sort of regret
That you ain't in a place
Where you gonna just choose me.

Kissing my shoulders
Expectin' me to lay down
And change my own laws
Perhaps we
Perhaps we
I can't.

Ladies all in red high five me
I give so much love today didn't wanna
Giving so much, money gone so quick
I do what I can to feel better.

Don't wanna hustle this week
Wish I could run away from it all
Keep sayin' I know I gotta sit down with my life
Nothing seems to work out just yet
This ain't a tryst no more.

Let's take a walk
Around the neighborhood
Remember where it all began
The pictures I took
And just so whole heartedly understand

It's really going to be okay baby girl.

Reckon this is just kinda how it's gonna roll, roll down the rainy Windows outside the worm hole cafe

Every weekend gonna be big
It was so much easier to just
Hold the camera in my hands
Just my 3 sisters and me
But it's about scope
I urge and persuade
I nod and calm my nerves
To Animal Collective
Sitting in a blue lounge chair

Probably just need to get ****** pretty soon.

But I feel so, feel so
Asexual.

Backless dress, so inviting
We hum across ocean waves
What makes me special?
Does anything I do actually matter?
I turn my music up louder.

Nod. Nod. Remember remember.
I don't know
I don't know
Early 20s.
Modern day flapper
Movie maker.

I went from dedicating poetic words
To him
Nope scoot over
Him
Door shut so unexpectantly
Him
Nope. He's gone too.
Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.
Cya.

I give away charms and gems
Like the facade of espresso I drank
It tasted so bad
But I bought a beautiful necklace
A treat a treat a treat.

Let's go.
In time.
My prince will come
I'm Cinderella at the ****** ball
But my shoes
I never lose any of them.

A rupture of skin and lids flutter
Open and close
Open and close.

Lets type and text
Hit send!
Hit send?
Hit send.
If I could just make sounds, just like:
:.'"()!!~.,?/+=-_*&^%$#@

Sitting behind screens
Face glowing from the pictures and typed words of others
Whatever happened to romantic letters?
But if you wanted to book me a ticket to Chile
I would put my phone away.

Glancing over at Long Eyelashes
He's sliding, swishing, tapping
All the screens
Just look at me.
But I'm just as guilty

Television screens and news articles
Everyone has something to say
But lets get up
Virtual talking heads hit "like" a thousands times
Robotic mechanical skeletal beings

And if you asked me, ya know--through a text message:
"What do you wanna do, dude?"
I wanna have influence in this short life.
So I put the phone down
And meet you for a cocktail at 5pm.

My avocados are mine to eat
2. I wake up in the morning for me
3. I see photos of you and don't know who that is
4. I dress how I want to dress
5. I do not look around for you anymore

6. I wince when someone looks like you
7. I hate stand up comedians
8. My hair is long
9. I did not stop at 5
10. I have muscle

11. I try to be the best I can be
12. I practice and cope with the monster
13. Your name no longer pops up on my phone
14. No one makes plans or promises to me they cannot and will not keep

15. I do not toss and turn waiting for my phone to ring at 4am
16. I am so ****** and free
17. I do not go yell your name or chase you down the streets
18. I do not feel threatened by your reputation
19. I do not hate the women you use to sleep with
20.  What you do or say has no effect on me

21. You left without saying goodbye and I am learning to be okay with it
22. I spend time with my friends
23. I put on make up and get dressed up, for me
24. I listen and watch whatever I want
25. When I ask a guy to stay, they stay

26. Art.
27. I am a better listener, but boy I have so many stories to tell
28. I do not walk around only to feel lost
29. I do not pay to keep you well and alive.
30. I am worthy of love.

Muffled laughter and click, click, click
We have probably listened to this song
At least--50 times together
Reflections in your window of sculpted body
You love it so well, but I love to give you hell
About you needing a strong ******* woman.
Hit play, I can do a dance to make your lips
Drip and get wet.

Long brown hairs found in a ***** kitchen
While you praise me up and down
I can pile it all together, pile us together
But my past, your past--we sweep it outside
Store it in the utility closet, I'll uninstall
Shelves that don't make sense, but I can see
The deep South twirling and dipping me into the midst
Interview me underground, I can see the skyline
But hardly afford--this $12 lunch, with the big wigs
But here I am, playing the part honestly.
As I was awakened this morning,
Knowing you must have been in the next room
Little white night gown and ******* you love
So well, ongoing droplets streaming
But it turns you on, you say
To see me so prettily cry.

"Pretty little Layne."
A scene partner of mine once said, as he wiped the mascaraed tears
From my face, but baby we talk and say
The craziest little things
I can bring you coffee, tell you no, get you going so
That my red wine guides me throughout the night.

A row of blue seats, check your bag, security
Maybe its my face you will hold in your hands
Before you fly to a world I can barely imagine
But while you lay on top of me
Lets taste cupcakes and discuss my dreams
I could make you feel things you never have before.

So come back, come back and find me
I will say it for the last time here, now recorded
In type, text, font, interwebs
Lick me up and down
As I breathe life into a world
Neither of us have known.

Welcome to the land of too plenty.

We ride along, sing our hymns
On candy caned carousels
Swipe right, swipe left
We peruse and use the gym
Sweat out our pores
Men and women can certainly be friends
A church choir echoes in quiet refrains.

*** is just an option on the menu
The menu of too, too plenty
Lets take bites of cherry apple sizzling pie
Or the hundreds of times
We didn't text back.

Join us, in the land of plenty
We've got field mines for days
Gesturing in the most sensual ways
How could one possibly ever settle down
If it wasn't for eggs and organs
Demanding a time frame?

Welcome to the land of hella plenty.
Where loneliness ain't such a feat
You could pick up a stranger at just any old bar
Long as you somewhat got an open heart
Open legs, open brain
Nope, no brains.

Here in the land of too plenty
We drink and drugs become your middle name
We've got such elaborate molecule filled beakers
You never have to just choose one.

Stay, live here in the land of plenty
Siren women croon and bite into the mist
Dripping from your inner thighs.

What ever happened to faithfulness?

I've lost weight.
I plot the next tattoo to ink my lungs
My ribs, beneath my perky *******
You would think I would have written a million
Poems, to cope with yesterday
But I don't really know what to say.

There. In your Peter Pan Syndrome filled world
Ninja turtle clad never ending story
The Lost Boys reside filling their cups with whiskey
Your body on mine felt so small
So childlike, as you repeat and create phrases
I saw you for the first time
For who and what you really are.

"I will always want you. I will always love you. And I'm always going to be in love with you."
Its so painful to hear you say
As I wept into your arms
**** it all out,
A girlfriend of mine wisely spoke
Of the past and I knew our bodies had to sign a treaty.

A treaty of peace and knowledge
As a knock on the door warns against toxicity
Pollution.
I love who you are
But you are not meant for me.

Dress in white tonight
My eyes and face so weary yesterday
You kissed me and kissed me
As if I would disappear in your fingertips
Because I do and I will.

But lets stay strong
Lets stand next to each other
As I recycle and replay
Your words
Secret recording device
But I don't let it haunt me
I free myself, cooking
With no music
Spicy and ripe just for The Lost Boys
And I'm ******* Captain Hook.

They all wanna utter a word, make a comment
But you and I
We know whats what.

"I was in it to win it. You destroyed my heart. You made me believe I wasn't enough."
We paint portraits of our pain
Saying and whimpering your name
I keep myself in check
With how much I love myself
Without your invisible leash and puppet strings
And if dance took you away
I would kiss and dance with you
And wave a peaceful and heartfelt
Goodbye.

But lets arm and arm
Mend the wounds
Turkey bathes in hot water
We must all be so thankful
All be thankful
You taught me a lot
You loved me so well
So well.
But this Peter Pan land
I can no longer reside--
But only visit.

Could feel it just like
A thorn in my side
The need to cathartically spell out symbols
With red and purple
No maybe, olive green
Liquid.

3 hours of sleep
We prepare ourselves for late night debauchery
My Moon Sisters will never fully understand
Or truly keep up with how different
Wildly outrageous the fire within Chicago grows
And flows through me.

Didn't wanna third wheel tonight
But I'm the most free I've ever been
I don't define myself through the voices and faces
Of men, though Mama & Papa
Gotta comment and state
They are waitin' and hopin' for me to meet someone
Real nice.

But its the furthest thing from my radar
Perhaps visualizing it, wrapped in my own blankets
I was tempted to have a fresh newness
Cooking eggs incorrectly
I feel like I repeat myself
10 times over.

Betray, slay, *******
All things I tampered with
My thin elegant queen hands
I curl my hair and ponder the aesthetic for the night
Honey, honey.

The Wolf places me in between his ravenous claws
But my bite is sharper.

I've been through so much love
So much heartache
Its so easy to place it on a melancholy pedestal
And for the first time in my life
I allow it to free me
What a special, interesting thing.

I knew all along this is what it would take
So I check off numbers, somewhere between sleeping and dreaming
My photographic memory reminds me of my
Lasting and powerful words, when I feel doubt.

It rings so true, just like the Liberty Bell
Cracked down the seams in Philadelphia, PA
I use to chirp and chime down those streets
Until all the fire within me could no longer continue
To ignite the town.

So I went my own way
For the third and not the last time
I ripped off the tentacles attaching me to faces, love
The past that howls my name from time to time
But I don't tread in gasoline.

No, I don't know what I want
What a beautiful thing to celebrate.

Lets be wild, free
Dance into the spring and summer sunshine
Answering to no one.