I started this one off
By thinkin' of what we must look like
Feel like, seem like
Smell like
Individually.
Together.
Apart.
Our own entities in my mind
Only to quickly grow bored with it
I've seen and licked
The dry lips of all that experience
A million times over before.

And I could say: "What if this is different?"
In such a whimsical capacity
Wrapped in a ribbon we called
Longing for secret expectations
But I drown the need for wedding veils
But roomie roo is right
I'll always long for that love of mine
To line in line, hand in hand
Adorn the metal armor I've got
With an assortment of flowers.

Those flowers though
With you
Theres somethin' interesting about the paintings hung all around us
I interview you like a grungy journalist from the 90s
You said.
Curt Cobain
But everything changed
Your skin and hot lips runnin' a mile a minute
I furrow my brow cuz I'm thinkin real hard
I'm twirlin' every bit of information
I've got your raps and rhythm runnin around in my head
You've got the deepest biggest message
A flashlight in your hand.

I told you last night just hold onto your hat
You've spoken the same words
Cut up in tiny fractures of glass
We know colored in red wine and graffiti filled fury
For my soul, my heart, my purpose.

You got my black lipstick on your lips last night
As everyone else walked away we dropped
Our professional kickin' it facade
Not that we don't or we won't
But you wanna examine my rings and things
And laugh when I say somethin
Cuz you keepin secrets of your musings.

I've got steel cut boots and knives like arrows
My hair wild fire with dragons for hours
Body like a water nymph with no teacher
I got so much to give but have grown so weary

So I won't ever ask or hope
For you
Or for this
To be different
You explain polygamy to me cuz you wanna strain
The need to be in a relationship with
Oneself.
The independent quality of deep solitary souls
And for once
For once

I nod my head back and understand.

Scaling and zooming in
On my porcelain skin, a rainbow colored heart in my hand
And poetry, you will never understand.

Calculations and budding numbers
Our paths differ and conflict
You can't make your clock alarm sound
And drown time next to me.

44 pages worth of poems, hours spent over the internet
Remember how you would say "baby, thats some good ******'"
I know you must recall when you walked into my door
Took me into your arms, lecture me about my little baby tops
I no longer wear for you.


I believe that human beings choose to be too busy
I believe that human beings make 5 minutes of their time
For those we deem a priority.
So thats the answer to the equation
You could have just drawn me a graph
But I hope my echoing laugh,
Haunts your cleft chin and water eyes.

Like Venus but in mermaid glory
I swim away from the shore
Of what I thought I had before.
Latin America quakes all around you
As I rip off the last button on my blouse.

I hope you are well.
I am glad to see you are well.
But I don't wait or appreciate promises
That hold no weight.

I placed your polaroid inbetween two plays,
Several days ago the titles jeering:
"A Fool For Love" and "****** Adulto Escapes From The Zoo"

Where did I learn how to dance the way I dance?
You can't teach electricity.

At last
A solitary moment
My eyes are so weary and happy.

Like painted colors on fire
Swishing and zooming by
Beautiful heightened moments
I look around me and the pit of my stomach
So full of warmth, the deepest love
I'm here, doing exactly what I am meant to be doing.

Leaping off the stage
I took myself home last night
I tried to find and scrounge your name
But I was too drink
To figure out how to unblock you.

My women, my ladies
They hold me accountable and lift me up
My face radiates with moon beams and sunshines
Even on my cloudy days
Because life is always better when surrounded with joy.

I heard you weren't gonna come tomorrow night

And I'm glad.

The truth is
Its easier to decide to not like you
And a part of me is sorry
I'm even writing about you.

But maybe I'm not.

Sleep, sleep you are so near
I'll greet the sun tomorrow
I talk to myself, chant and cheer
"Everything is great. You are wonderful."
Self love medicate.

I don't know.
I feel like I think that phrase often
But I jump and dive into it all
With an open heart, open lungs, open eyes
I coach myself through the hard times
And I know I can't be perfect all the **** time
I stop searching for my soul mate
As my dark haired raven women around me
And my Philly moon army blows kisses from their incredible lives
The word beauty is not even enough to encompass it all.


Living and existing
Do it with the utmost love.

Placing a cinnamon infused heart in the oven
I burnt my arm as I tried to take you out.
You can't wait to see me, so ridiculously
Your grown man beard so thick and sweet
Like syrup and chocolate erupting.

This shirt goes well with these pants,
You could add that blazer too
Lets contemplate if there is time for caffeine
And long, sweltering, hot kisses.
Ride in the city with me
As ice surrounds all our grounding.

If I could, I would place you in my little pocket
Carry you around with me throughout the day
Just so you could look at me and say:
I got so caught up in your face again.

Trembling legs and biting lips
Sometimes I realize, how 8 years claims our existence
On this clouded earth
Wide, anchored straight teeth
Adorn me and I can't control it
Butter me up, hold me in your arms
I have never met a man more affectionate.

Dollar bills and smells for miles
I would love to just ooze and cover myself
In the most delicious--let me be your aphrodisiac
I promise to be so very gentle.

Hop in my pocket, but you say you could take care of me
In my little pocket
Our bodies could always glow.

Fluidity with skin aching towards the moon
Marks left behind on my young aching back
Continue to take their time to--
Dissolve.
I could adorn and paint my body
Just like the rose, I always wished to be.

You get a good chuckle with me
And recognize that in all my poems about you
I do a direct address: "You"
I think you could keep up with me
Lets be that weird couple at the expensive restaurant
That discusses the elaborate idiosyncrasies behind the world
While holding hands
I will leave you something behind, with my smell.
Because I could really fall for you.

A halting breath, a silly moment
You eat it up
Eat me up
When I behave just like a child.
But my bedroom voice,
You love the best.

Throw in the broccoli, the orzo, and lemon juice
I'll make myself a porcelain doll soup--
Just for you.


You told me I just bang my poetry out
As if I am writing a text
How amazing it is to you.
I think its amazing, how you make me feel
In a crowded room
And I see all the blurry faces in the background
Shadowed bodies, with the blurry faces of my past
As I always have
But I think with you
And leaping like a ballerina after my dreams
I could be....well
Very very happy, sir.

I don't want you to go
But I also know adventure does not end here
I don't think there is a finish line
But you won't let me give you a name
With every fleeting line I write.

Warm hot taste
A burst of flavor
Soothing muscled arms and limbs

Let me be your whole three part meal.

I know you must stand
Your body lean and strong
Dreams filling your head
If I could take a microscope
And take a deep long look
To better understand
I would.

I imagine your brain moves in tidal waves
Red and blue wire sizzling
It wanders and hums at a high vibration
Higher than your mouth can keep up with.

When you speak and stutter
I don't flinch away
Or acknowledge it with any discrepancy
I knew the moment I heard your name
A moment, a point you would reference
Again
To get me going.

I wonder what DC is like
I wonder if you think of me
I want to give you time to miss me
I want you to think about what this is
I want you to feel everything for me.

I'm grateful for the quiet
Though I always long for more
I made jokes about being famous
'Cuz I'm a paranoid crazy *****.

I wonder if you wear a hood
And look seriously at the camera
Missing me with the same fondness and longing
As I do you.

I wonder sometimes
If you bother to
Look at me
On the social media plane
The only plane
We the world
Can only connect with
At this point.

In the midst of the quarantine
I start braiding my hair again while its wet
My skin tans
I try to get my eyes to feel less
Tired.
My mom and I box dyed my hair
I record the many big little
Moments
In my mind
In my heart
Thinking
For later use.

And I know in so many ways I'm so lucky
I know I'm so lucky.

I am aware of the parts
That do sting like a bee
And I recognized I betrayed myself again
For a moments time
I do allow myself to get wrapped up in the drama
Of what is and what is not
And fear the unknown
The queen of making grand plans
Fearing all the question marks
That now sing and echo my name
Our names
Louder than ever.

I suppose there is a tiny bit of comfort
In the fact theres no real reason to
Feel FOMO
Everyone sits on their couch
In their house
I ring the bells of the sun
I paddle and try to convince myself
To go on walk jogs
Because the truth is
I just haven't been feeling
Super so into myself
And what I'm capable of
Lately.

So tonight
I sit in bed
With a paper towel of pumpkin coffee cake
And a glass of cognac
My wet hair in short soft braids
My mind as always
Trickles and slips over to you
And I see you fading and becoming
More & more distant
Just like they always do in a break up
And I wonder if you think on me often too
If between the pressing of buttons
On screens, on video games
On the places you hide so well
If you hear my voice
See my name, you once spelled out so often
And remember the way I tried to love you best
Intimately
Quietly
And yet with such strength.

I've been seeing this quote a couple times now
And essentially it reads:
Someone can love the way you love them more than they actually love you
And I wonder if that was us
I wonder if that was you
I wonder if really
That was me.

Its been an interesting exercise
When I think back on all the insecurity, fear
The feeling of whether or not I was enough
How I worried and griped about it all
And I knew it a bit then
And I certainly can see it more clearly now
But I think if I switch those nouns
Well, we know the rest.

I'd been chasing boys like you since I was 13 years old
I wanted to date so far so outside so dark so deep
Outside of myself
So that I could feel more alive
So that I didn't have to face the truths of myself
So that I could settle and be the better half.

I don't think that will be my reality anymore
And I sometimes have wondered if I will live a life
Of experiencing a series of people
Rather than being able to just find and choose and be chosen
By just a one.

I suppose life can be whatever you want it to be
And you can make what you want happen
I've proven that again and again
And I do hope the flames within me can simmer down
To a soft strong burn
And that an equal soft strong burning flame
Can fabulously
Mightily
And without question
Or settling
Or the need to qualify and quantify and convince myself
Its right
Can find its way to me.

I have so much to say
Watched and felt so much

I don't know where to begin.

But I watched with keen little girl eyes
The most mystical marine life
Exist in majestic motion
Fearing violence in the most mundane places
I have so much to create
Time to dream.

I think for a long time now
I've thought I know exactly what I want
But its been all shook up
Its all shook up
Folks ask me which one
Which one
And its like my brilliant brain
Morphs into an open desert
I see hay stacks wheel past
Cacti lone and whispering
And I think and say out loud in real time
The noise of color whirling all around me
"I really don't know."

So excuse me while I gush,
So sorry I say--my voice ringing so high
Yep--thats particles of my weary heart all on the floor.
You might have not noticed it before
But thats because a shield normally resides
But now its all just guts and vulnerability at my door.

I've got, gotta get, gotta embrace
About a million different jobs
But you hand me that $20 bill, like it don't mean nothin' at all
Let me know how my dialect swims around us
But we can argue over the difference
Between mermaid
Or siren.

Don't get attached, too fast
We both whisper internally
But I think its too late
Crying in your shoulder
You make me wanna be bolder
Than I have ever been before.

I know you gotta go,
You know I gotta go
We all gotta go
And if I could, I would eat my poetry
Like the stir-fry
I made you,
Last night.

But stare into my face for enormous lengths of time
I will whimper and say your name late into the night
Our vampiric intoxication flooding any venue
And I know you have lived so much
Seen so much, your past licks your heart
From time to time
But I could hold your heavy heart
In the palm of my hand, ever so gentle
What if we aren't meant to find another?

Pound the comforter on my bed
When you kick my *** in video games
I like the way we talk so much ****
As we click A, B, and C
Excuse my little boy grimace
On our own controllers
But I gotta dance for you, my midriff
Speaking volumes and leaving you saying
"You are the sexiest person I know."

Bring me to you, in a place I have never known
We could explore the world, I'll brush up on
A language I use to know, as your laughter plays
And lands in waves, in my head.

This doesn't have to be the end.

Saturday night
I put on my best work mode face
My body urging me to take it easy
You pour cocktails from your

I can't even create the word to follow "your"
My mind so over it all.
I throw back the hood around my face
Cocooned in thought, creativity, freedom
Green leaves distracting me
This bottled smoothie tastes like powdered bananas
Undulating the pixie dust
I convinced myself
Surrounded you and I.

I have such intense moments of being so sick of myself.

But I breathe in heavily and with lightness
And forget to breathe out
But a step at a time.

I would I could leave my house
Go for an innocent walk
My ear buds in my ears
Taking in the universe
But theres so much darkness
For a girl to walk into alone, I slightly think

But what can we learn by just staring at technological screens?

Headphones on so tight
Shield yourself from the noise and coughs of others
How dare I be afraid of the very thing I seek to help?
She approached me in the street
Intoxicated, drugged up, my mind always
Creating drama.
Creating drama.
Looking around, witnesses?

I trust no one.
She asked me for directions, her whiskey mouth
Slurring and purring
It brought a tear to my eye
That I fear what I seek to change.

And everyone fears the police
I can feel us as an entity tighten and tense
Black uniform and tools on the side
Blue and red lights
No one trusts the police

How can any of us feel safe?
A missed phone call
A moment of intense vulnerability
Tears from a friend for not hearing from him or him
And I get it, I get it.

No one trusts the police.
As the day becomes darker
Don't gild the lily
An acting teacher use to say to me
Bodies all meet in a room
Lets drink wine, change the world
I'll try not to look at my stupid ******* phone.

The daunting darkness tries to bring out
The party monster
Won't you call me back?
The snowy cold brings it out
It brings it out

I hope she found where she was trying to go--okay
And was well and safe
You love my self awareness, you exclaim
I reread over piles and miles
Of my poetic past and antics
Trying to decipher who that was then.

Blue shirt, black pants
Black cap and grim expression
Sirens go on and off in the distance
There was a time I would see this and feel comforted
But how can we live in a world where we fear
What must protect us?

I called out this morning
Into the emptiness
Of my rearranged bedroom
Your
Our
My
Pet name
And you didn't come around the corner
To greet me
With your grizzly face

Today I miss you
I long for the moments
Where we behaved like infants
But I remember
Like whiplash
The hardships
And the pet names
And tears
Fade.

Got some ink
The artist positioned me how he needed to
It reminded me of ***
Tattoos remind me of ***.

Lana del Rey hummed around us
I thought of my time in Alabama
When I was in art school
When that first album came out.

I flirt with men and I flirt with women
He asked me if I was queer at all
I said just a little bit.

I drank some wine
I try to relax, luxuriate
It’s hard I feel like I’m supposed to be everything
I wish sometimes that I could be smaller
Less noticeable
So I shed another layer of skin.

I think back to all the screenplays I’ve written
Sometimes I wish I already had a boyfriend
My skin tans in the sun
I protect my face
And hike up and around
Debating about what I’ll do tomorrow.

It’s hard to completely unplug
I miss certain things
And hope it ain’t no thing
Hope it ain’t no big thing.

It all keeps on
Me and this
And it all
Goes on

It’s been tough and I had to light some incense
I know I gotta buy some new crystals

I’m sure he will respond at some point
Ain’t no big thing
Ain’t no big thing

We friends.

I should write and type
A hundred million ******* times
Remember how we fled to the
New York City bathroom
Only to pretend we would
Never really love--
Each other again.

Research, research
I pitch and I pitch
Lets talk about ***.
Lets film and celebrate our *****
A flurry of images
A faux fur coat, how he or he meant the most
It all ended so fast, so soon.
But he's a Leo--he ain't never gonna say
A **** thing back.
Too proud.

A bull in a china shop,
You loved it best
When my favorite glass would shatter
All around us like pixie dust
Or ******* on my fragrant
***--you wanna do everything you can
To forget and quit.

I wish I hadn't bothered to utter a sound
As swarms of love echo around me
"Do not talk to him again."
I don't know what I hoped for.

Sunshine boy wants to give me his all
As I hear murmurs of fields that have been played
I dribble and bounce the ball back
Errybody got somethin' to say
I'm so tired, so tired all the time
Give me that money
Just wanna ink my limbs
Make everything into an artistic palette of sensuality.


Strawberry smoothie,
Stomach always feels so empty
Run, go running, run run
I've run and discovered so much
I wonder if they wonder
Weep a little bit--for the loss
Of me?

Don't lose me.
I don't want to lose you either.
I'm sorry I was selfish today.
Its true--I see eggs from my old fridge
Shattering around me
As my friends can't help but look on and be tickled
But maybe
Everything around me
Maybe I
Don't have to be broken.

When I think on this or you
In a deep real way
It fills me up with so much emotion
A sense of longing
A fear of love being returned
A quiet hope
And a taste of insecurity.

You are in Indiana now
I can see you clearly
A large camera on your shoulder
Whenever you answer to phone to me
You say my name in a southern accent
I let you get away with it
Because it makes me happy to hear you say my name.

I went back and looked far
Scrolled through all your old profile pictures
Read your old comments
And thought about the quiet and angsty teenage boy you must have been.

I want you badly
I miss you badly
Pulling in favors, reminding you of my face, sending you moments of my success
I long for you
I hope you long for me too

With a camera on your shoulder
And a reflective knowledge of what this is
Or could be.

I have so much work to do
I eat breakfast in bed
And hope to accomplish it all
Money is tight
My father forewarns me of changes
Come back
Come back to me soon.

Monday morn'
Gonna bebop like floral sunrises
And spring time bohemian skirts
Define my personified with moon beams name.

Gettin' easier every minute
But I do get hit with waves and tiny moments
Where I see you in my minds eye, the memories
The chaos
But I dance on stage past it all.

Marking it all down with the same blueberry pen
Not pin
I correct my southern natural state
No one ever detects where I'm from
Till they get to know
Lil ole me.

Lets let today be a good day
Boys wanna play, but I took care of me
Last night, slumbering so hard
My ladies and I, we lift each other up
Reflecting and projecting such goodness
Drumsticks falling behind the stage
That DJ was so ******' rude
But I brought home a blue eyed 34 year old
I think his name was Matt?

Freedom.
My life already vastly improves
If you wanted to reach me
I'd never know
And for those who might judge my choices
I hula hoop through clouds and light.

2 days times
I let adventure and happiness
Become the swelling patterns within my heart
I told myself this morning
"Well at least I've done this before"
How good it is to see and feel
I don't need you at all.

Never my best friend
Just a hinderance
Its too bad, its too bad
And every time someone proclaims
"Maybe someday"
I know I will give love always
But I fled the scene
With joy and my own heart.

Lets run, light fires along all the road sides
My hair braided in twists and sunlight
Nails the color of a metallic sea
Gotta pack my bags and flee.

I throw my hands into the air
So full  of liberating life
Everything is really truly
Going to be so many levels
Of more than okay.

Chapped red cheeks
Holding hands with
The little ones
Having to *** after
The slip and slide
The rollercoaster ride
Of gallivanting and shining
In the orange part of
Californication.

Your plaid shirt
Red wine with the older ones
I'm the youngest of all
As we purr in our troll meets kitty like way
Return to the city
What is not almost today
Let's pick up the seeds, nuts, spinach
And all of the hummus
My eyes are so tired
But I feel a deep mature contentment
I've been longing to feel
All of my days.

I ate a nasty sandwich last night
Standing at the kitchen counter
In nothing but my pantyhose.

A woman in Jersey last night,
She tried to help me find my way back
I bought her two "Natty Daddys" from the liquor store
Yo, they looked disgusting.

But she drunkly jabbered on
Telling me tales of how she has sunk knives into people
Watched her brother blow his brains out
Got shot when she was 4 years old
Had 7 felonies
I listened like it was all nothing
Nodding my head gently in the freezing cold
She told me she would call me Penelope,
And I nodded and nodded and nodded,
Hopeful smile
As if my best friend and I simply waited for the bus.

But I bought her the beer
Because I was not about to **** around.
She finally went away
Clamoring out with: "I can't keep living in fantasyland here--I have a real job!!!!"
But stopped to look back and inform me that her boyfriend was 6'9".

An ambulance soon came
And an under cover cop
And I guess this is one of those moments
Where I could seem like a stand up comedian and stretch the truth
But I don't.

I don't know if it was for her.
Or for her 6'9" boyfriend.
Or hell, maybe even me.


Legs up on the wall, talking on the phone until 3am
But Long Eyelashes needs to talk because he is sad
But I gotta go get high and bowl tonight
Everyone needs to just calm the **** down.
A sleeping friend missed our hang out time
I can give you candy canes.
Southern sun and eggnog will soon surround me
Here's some art, I hope you like it
I think, deep--in my mind.

Prepare for cocktails
Blue versus green ink
******* tape sits so carefully in the corner
My eyes so heavy but unwilling to slumber.
Sleeping such a chore, but once my eyes are so closed
The light from my windows egg me on.
As I heard myself whimper and coo your name
As though searching, looking for you
Through a walkie talkie
Or a paper cup connected through string
But I knew at the end,
I would never hear your
Answering.

Kitty cat slumbers on 3 suitcases
As I recall how you didn't want to hear my mind
My philosophy
"Have you played out all the scenarios in your mind?"
It never goes the way I fantasize.

Perhaps you won't show up
With your scraggly beard and worn down clothes
A hobo clown, the damsels and I would jest
A silver screen starlet
I imagine us arm in arm
Neck to neck
Tied and tangled
Because neither of us can seem to forget.

Those blue depths I would plummet into
With a short blonde bob
I would cry and cry when your skin
Left mine
I would cry and cry
When I felt neglected by you
Night by night.

But there is something different in the air
Something different in the sea
Something so ******* different in me

"We love each other"
I can almost hear myself say
Lingerie mirroring my face
But just because we love each other
That doesn't make us right for each other
I would so famously,
Say.

I wonder if your knock, kn-kn--kno-knock-knock
Will pound a few times on my door
Like you use to before
When we would laugh and laugh
We never grew bored.

Cat nip and our own fantastical fumes
I was your crack for a while, you still exclaim
I hope I leave you with withdrawal
Always.


But I digress
The cat on all those suitcases--
She soon will belong to another
The suitcases--They will be stacked and packed
Rolling on carpeted floors
A fedora on my head
And new opening doors.

The Goodbye Dinner
You would look at me with that coy
Icicle heart fire grin
As I remember all the times I tried to erase
That face from my mind.

I don't try anymore
I don't fight anymore
I don't erase anymore
I just live.

Maybe this is dumb
Maybe this is the stupidest thing I've ever done
Maybe we are ******* so dumb
"But we love each oth--"
I start to hear myself say, in my day dream
Of us on a roof top
Unable to escape


And then I remember,
I go my own way.

I gotta write a little poem.

Before I embark on the rest of this day.

I don't know what anything is. I don't what it all looks like.

This time last year I wasn't here.

I need more coffee. I need more sleep. I need time to slow down. I need time to speed up. I need love. I need joy. I need ***. I need moments.

Needs. What an interesting thing.

My brain sometimes can't keep up.

I'm just so ******* happy.

I guess the truth that I have to face
Is not to ******* my heart with fear
Of rejection or feeling neglected
But with resolve
Nodding at how your heart dangles
From the steepest cliff
Paralysis, constant desire to
Validate, reassure, fulfill
Wanting and longing what was
Rewriting and revising my story
You want to be a supporting character
But in my heart of hearts
I have to just let you
Be a background extra.

Cam corder fresh in wet palms
Defining sexuality, freedom
So little. So young.

Hit record, lets dance.

Brown lipstick mouthes
Lets be so grown up
You probably played with legos
I just wanted to kiss all the boys
Run in the fancy woods barefoot
Red Jetta as I got older
I still find myself lying next to men
Casting spells.

Free coffee at an interview
I've got 20 dollars to my name
What glamour, what glamour.

I wrap all my ex-boyfriends in copper spiderwebs
Chucking them through hoops of fire
Only to watch them drown at the bottom
Of cold Lake Michigan.

A couple cuddles with no hours ticking by
A few feet away from me
"Real Deal"
"Real Deal"
"You're the Real Deal"
A boy said to me last night
A legacy, I've got one he said
Everything is stupid
Everything is beautiful.

This song makes me feel like a rebellious teen again
Breaking through windows
Texting my child hood crush
I didn't know how the hell to wear black eyeliner
I lined and lined and over drew my eyes
The darker the better I thought
Alcohol poisoning, Alabama sunshine
Drunk driving on the weekends
I'm 18 I swear
A girlfriend and I lied, bathing together
In sensual forbidden fruit.

Dating apps, meeting in person
Everyone got somethin' to ******' say
I could dive off of this balcony right next to me

SPLAT.
Pink and purple paint
Would cover the room
Red and emerald green
Rising from the ashes.

Billboards selling us
Selling us all
Loud music echoing through my girlhood ceiling
Not much has really changed.

At a standsill,
Furry little bunny rabbits, I crouched down
Late into the night in my red high heels
Eye to eye
Eye to eye
I to I.

You didn't answer my calls last night
Loop, loop, as if forever on the same rollercoaster ride
But you give love, care
"My life revolves around me!"
I run and I plunge
I already knew just that baby.

I don't know what the **** I'm doing half the time
I don't know that I ever have
3 weeks can't come soon enough
But I plot and I plan
Gathering and sliding through nature
Eye to eye.

Colors and pavement surround me
Somedays I am so open
My heart bursting like flames of fire
So eager, so full
While the little lost girl inside me
Still looks the other way
Time to time.

My face looks tired today
I haven't had *** yet this week
****** visceral creature
I know what it all means
I know exactly what it all means
Now can I just let myself go, just be free
No need to rinse, repeat
Or say a **** thing
Just open, open, open
Release, release
Ain't gonna change him, ain't gonna stop him
But I can continue to fly free.

Waiting for phones to ring or to hear a yes
I threw away $50 dollars last night
Just because I could
But I barely got food in the fridge.

I was thinkin' last night
In the crowded room
Roomie says we at that city chic life
Ain't nobody lookin' to settle down
So many options, click click
Swipe right, swipe right
We got so many options
I tell myself this mornin'
Don't plan or think to see him
Focus on your night out.

But I know that sweet drunk dial you will give
You were so disappointed you couldn't come by this week
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I want
Mid twenties crisis.

My Philly girlfriends will never totally quite get it
They've found their people, their person
Love has met its maker, its match
I guess I thought or I did
I have fallen and been chased
An abundance of times
But it just was always, always
So wrong.

I feel like I have written and written
The exact same words
For 9 months almost 10
Loop, loop, loop
So worried about the future
Looking and waiting for things
To fall into place


**** it.

Legs outstretched over the bathtub
Spread eagle, release myself
Release myself, while a lost boy
Sleeps in my bed.

Sometimes Long Eyelashes exposes words
And I can't help but heavily shake my head
I fear for the race of men.

Can't we hold some respect for ourselves?
Can't we let a string of pearls
Place eloquence
But I know he who I hate to even name
Thinks lustily
And pollutedly, of me
Thank you for being so wrong.

Writing and coping
Men, what to think of them
A softness and same gender
An experience I gotta have at least once
Not at the ripe age of 15
But kisses on my neck,
I long for rusty and masculine hands.

Sometimes I have to catch myself
Kick down my dragon ring finger
Steel toes and longing stares
I adjust the slit in my dress.

Wish you would utter a sound of loss
But blue seats and a woman in yellow
Offers me mint gum as red lips
Covered in coffee and love
Release into right now.

Announcements and seat belts
Gotta go, south bound
Coming back stronger, even bolder
Lighter and graceful
Fasten Seat Belt While Seated.

Burst into tears
At 11:11am
I could count on all ten fingers
All the things
Just all the things
We as millennials so coyly say.

Of course I miss you
And the way you blinded me
With cheerleading happy go lucky
Love.
But I don't know that its even you
My heart aches for.

We write our new script
We text and we miss
I drink coffee and barely have time to
Process.

I can't eat all that fried chicken
This quail is so gamey
I felt like I was biting into one of my young.

Everything revolves around
******* dollar bills
Warned against ****** openness
I thank the heavens I no longer
Am responsible for your past
I thank the heavens I no longer
Wake up in a room smelling of
What your perhaps, maybe
Potential could be.

"Don't fall in love with someone's potential"
My photographer friend says to me.
I remember, I remember it so well
Sitting in a classroom
Speech & debate, black pant suit
I was just getting started
But I had a legacy, a name
They all whispered
Abandoning the shadow of my brother
A man competed against me
Seemingly harmless
He had a chuckee cheese doll, he sat upon on his desk
I remember performing
He performed right after me.

He came up to me afterwards
And he so arrogantly said
"You have a lot of potential!"
My friends and I all chuckled
This man child with his chuckee cheese stuffed animal
His honest to God terrible performance
I was 4 years younger than him.

I remember at the awards ceremony
Winning first place
I don't think he even placed
And I thought
"Don't ever doubt me."

Don't fall in love with someones potential
Perhaps don't try to predict someone's potential
And most certainly
Never forget your centeredness.

Hands slipping into lace
I could wrestle you into a place
Where maybe neither of us, leave in the end
But even as I get caught up in sighs
Moments of us working side by side
Mathematics and screenplays
What is this?

But a friend is looking for a subletter
In the little old town of Chicago
She told me, today
Where I begin, again
I replay our moments and laugh to myself
In the public eye
But I fly on,
Debutantes and brothers
Braided hair, gin and tonic in hand.

I am not really sure what it is
You really see when you look at me
Adventure, frivolity, possibility
But I--I...
We can argue all day
Because you love the banter
But I roll my eyes and have to say

Come take me away.

It felt good to say your name for a time
In the days of wounded and forgotten


But now I lay my head on the shoulder
Of what could really be.

My chicken on the vegetable plate I just prepared is getting cold
I write with no music
One of the longest yet
I warned you.
Regardless of where or how you lay your head
I know. You know. We
No, no we.
You were never my we.
This past week, moments involving right now, my path
They all shook my hand, pulled me aside
To tell me that I'm headed in the right direction
That I'm the kind of person they are looking for
Went so far as to say I'm a genius, a revelation
But you had to be the first to tell me you said so
In all those other synonyms.

I think, I was right in my instinct today
My instinct of showing up, face to face
You wouldn't have dealt with it
Any other way, telephone syndrome
Little boy, lost little boy
Syndrome.

I shredded up your note, dumped out all the red wine
You love to give and take away, all of the time
Your mouth twitched tonight
You stared and looked at me
As if you may never see me again
"Your eyes look tired today"
But I looked cool, you said
I scrounged around on hot coffee and deviled eggs
I sat at the table for about 4 hours
I look back now, I made so much progress
Anxiously waiting for you to come downstairs
You couldn't even stop by to say hello
You told me I could come outside if I wanted.

We rode on the train
I stopped you a couple of times in the freezing street
Thinking maybe, weakness and your love
Filling and driving your face
But you had stayed up late in the night
Drank too much
After you stopped answering me
Told your best friend, who kissed me on the lips
Which now seems like centuries ago
And decided once again
Decided once again
Decided once again
LOOP LOOP LOOP
LOOP LOOP LOOP
LOOP LOOP LOOP
Dear God, Layne Marie
He told me he was so sorry "Layne"
On the train.
My name is *******
Layne Marie.

Can that just be it?
Can we really just be done now?
Little green jacket, your chest hair peeking out
You looked at me as if I was gone forever
"And then the swan flew away"
You said you would tell your children someday
I'm a fable, I'm a tale
And thats all I will ever really be to you.

I removed myself from the group
I cut ties like syringes filled with *******
It wasn't enough that you held my face
That one night in February.

You stopped commenting on my poetry
No matter how hard I tried, no matter how MUCH
I stapled or repainted my face, or us
I never saw another poetic thought out of you.

I knew I had to go
I knew I had to be through
As I called you on the phone one last time
And you had trained yourself to sound so removed
Another woman from your past, you intend to be around
Tonight, something may happen, something may not
You called me two days ago to reassure me
To reassure me
To reassure me
LOOP LOOP LOOP
Stuck in reverse
Stuck in reverse
Stuck in reverse.

I didn't have anything sharp enough
So I scratched myself good with some tweezers today
Before my little interview which of course went so well
Before sitting and waiting for death
For the death of us
For the death of us.

Long overdue
Me flying, and flying away
Was so long overdue
I've been here, and I've been here
And I've begged you to really see me
Your eyes looked so sad on the train
But your voice convinced us both
To walk away.

I got off the train
I didn't look back at you until right before I walked through the doors
You tried to look pleasant
Like this wasn't the end of the end
I know exactly what my face looked like
Old Hollywood sorrow mixed with swan freedom.

My mother says we will look back and laugh at this
At you and how I lost myself in the storm of newness
But I wish you all goodness
But dear Zak,
My God, I was and am Captain Hook
Thats never going to change
As I step off the train
You remain, a swan tattooed to your ankle
To remember the most romantic love of YOUR
Life.
Loop. Loop. Loop.
3 times the charm.


She flew the coop
And with fury and drive
Went her own way.

An ocean erupting from the sky
In my braided pig tails
Natural, glowing face
Catch reflections in the glass
I let the rain baptize me.

A place to live,
I hop and skip
Dance like a freebird in the rain
Narrow my eyes at the cars driving by
But now I'm too high
To cry at how little time
I have, tonight.

Quit this gig, but I need that dough
I wanted to be the belle of the ball
But beers and solitude
Ask me to lift and kiss
May 16th, 2015.

Sometimes, I really wish there was someone
Next to me, as all my lady friends
They lay their little skulls
Cheers beers
With an entity, I don't let myself
know
Right this moment.

Boxes upon boxes
Come take my bed
I send a ****** message to the big bad wolf
But not because I wear a red hood.

Exploring, adventures
Painting with the paintbrush of possibility

Everyone else walks around the city,
An umbrella covering their heads

But I let the rain lilt, graze
My lithe body
And we whisper
I whisper,
Now.

Give me a man
With tattoos and lustful lips
And everyone will look at us and say:
Match Made In Hell
That phrase use to mean so much
And now it means so little
But I would do a lot
To drip sweat, as I drink martinis
And fancy things—I simply cannot afford
But a tattooed arm above my head
Lips on lips on lips on lips
Can’t quit.
But I curtsey
Like my
Mama Told Me When I Was Young
Lynyrd Skynard wails
But a man with tattoos
And a bad soul
We will make the music
The night above us
Demands we make
Like an inked vibrating limb.

There is this green marble
Following it down
It travels
Along the depth of a sizable tongue
Even, firm
A swab of spit covers it.

It loops through corridors
Circles around the tracks of hooves
Passes by a bush of thorns
A snake hisses as we scoot
On, beyond, past
A bridge that extends off into the distance
A light flickers there
As lightning bugs glimmer on and off
Off and on
Humming into the summer.

The crack of a whistle
A crooning moan
Round eyes
Round lips.

The green marble stays a while
Immobile stable
Until the breeze of the wind
Lifts it up and out
It jumps along the length of haystacks
Climbing onto the back of ponies
Neighing, a mating call from birds
Cry into the golden hour light
Our lenses pretend to capture
Fighting into the present
We run past our own shadows
Of our ancestors
Thinking our being
Must be much like mini gods.

I shut the lips of Bibles there
Tracing blood along the lines of my lean legs
I hover in-between the tent of the sacrament
And disappear like smoke
Into the corners of the highest ceiling
While the sermon and preacher
Neck and neck carry on.

It is here
In the humid hot humiliatingly haughty sun
Where full length white gloves
Replace clout and shame
Petticoats align with virtue and grace
It is here where you train
To sit near fireplaces
Chattering for hours
Relive the mighty past
Hear words of the gospel
Prospective pets your best companion
But you might catch and eat a new animal in the
Mornin'

It is here
In the sweltering beautiful heat
Where you're from.

If you let me
Be so,
If I let me
Be so,
I could be your little china doll.

I straddled you last night
After drinking all of the red wine
"I'm sorry!" I chided into the night
Lips and teeth biting, swallow, swallow
Feeding each other candy cane love

Rice and soy sauced marijuana
You think its cute how I love that ****
But I don't think you would let me lead
And I can't complain

Beat up wardrobe on the block
A wooden souvenir
If only we had more time, we say
I know I could be your little china doll

Everyone tries to persuade me to stay
But I just roll my eyes
I could lie on a mattress with no bed frame
With you
Any time of the week.

Interview me, lets play doctor
Teach me all the right ways
To win a job
And I hope my fragrance, stays on you
But you have to go
And so do I
But please, soak me up
Play with my china doll limbs

I can warm your heart.

I think I slept in a spot of your blood last night
Waking up in the morning next to you,
I handed you tissues to mop up your ****** nose
My bed stained with you, me, and us.

On the hunt, with a bow and arrow
We power play, instigate
Baby, we went from dancing in a crowded room
Barely able to move
To me trying to keep up in my heavy snow shoes
Dancing with you, our ending
In an empty room.

I've gotten to where when I reference us as a "we"
I immediately change it to "I" or "Me"
Making plans to try and decrease the tension
You told me that in moments its crippling
To be without me.

Whispering your love in my ear as we ride the blue line
Here is this song or that song
Eggs taste so good covered in mustard
Your hand on my leg
Running around the city
With our invisible weapons
That we aim at
Each others forehead.

I would send you this poem
Like I once use to
With what seems like eons ago
But I'll save a secret place
Store in the capsule of my heart
Along with what fulfills me, drives me
As we like or ignore
Each other on social media.

In a lot of ways I tell our story
My story
His story
A love story
Surrounded with what needs to be done
In the world, my eyes tired these past two days
But I know running in my neighborhood
Even if it is 4pm
And the sky darkens
Will revitalize me.

"Small doses"
I chime, as if creating a cynical hallmark card
You should have been there
But you weren't
Not because of hatred or lack of love
But because you weren't meant to stand next to me.

I love you still.
My heart aches for you still
But the aching decreases, as you come around the bar
Call me your sweet nickname
And tell me how glad for me you are
My tattoos peeking out of my shirt
Whispering you want me to be yours again
But its just because of the liquor baby
You so calmly say the next day
But thats okay
Because you weren't meant to stand next to me
For all of "eternity" in that sweet devoted way
Because my path hovers above the ground
You dance in.

It's Christmas Eve. I wish I felt more at ease, free, happy. I'm okay. Not awful. Hung over. I wish you would say something, anything to me. But in time.

I woke up to my own screams this morning, the thought of completely losing you. But I am trying and fighting to be kind and to keep my distance from you. I know you must be going through the same in your own way. Perhaps as we said from the start, even more pain. Because I knew the truth all along as you chased me, hunted me, demanded I be yours until I was so deeply yours that the thought of my life without you, to this day, still paralyzes me. Maybe I am addicted to heart break, nostalgia, what was, the love that was once there with insert lover here. Everyone looks at me and wonders what I saw in you, why it's taking so long for me to let go, that you will never be who I desire.

Last night I waltzed all around a party and I thought to myself: "I'm so glad he's not here. It would be just wrong." But my hands gripping so tightly onto the vulnerability I showed you that resides so deeply within me, I have to be ready to let you go. "Cut it off" "you deserve so much better." I know what's at stake here.

My relationship with me.

So thank you, thank you for giving me the opportunity and reminder to be true and good to me. I know you must feel sorrow, anger, convincing yourself it was all worth it. And for you, it was.

Thank you for teaching me what I need and want. Thank you for leaving me in the dust to pick up the pieces of me I ignored all along. And most of all, thank you for the transition, the fun times, the new friends. And now with beautiful light hands: I release you into the romantic nothingness we now are, because I said so.

You placed your hand in the garbage disposal,
Just for me.
Long lean fingers and palms
They smiled at the Philadelphia skyline
Covered in sink filth and vegetable residue
But you said you would place your hand in the garbage disposal,
Just for me.

Green and yellow bottles upon bottles
Most crush up little capsules, wishing to save the world
Maybe it can alter the chemistry of our brains
But all I know is I have the tendency
To eat the brains
Of those I love and hate.

But truly, I hate so few
And truly, I let myself love--
I have no tolerance for those who cannot kindly be honest
So sorry, to start a stir
But someone has got to change
The approach.

Your spine shines bright in the bedroom of your past
I told you tonight, "I want you to remember me just like this, in Chile."
A spotlight on my face, the corner
Of your bohemian living room
I can teach you how to pretzel and twirl
But if you throw your pink blanket over me
I will watch it all cover my glowing technological screen
While vines linger and wrap around my dark skull
Cat eyes and moments neither of us could forget
But lets all just be lovingly real.

But if your hands pressed me up against a wall
Irises and music turned off to accompany
New found shame
I think I could teach you plenty, a lot of things
But go to sleep, my darling

You have to leave in seven days.
Here are all of my x's and o's.

Snow drifts and piles up in cake like clouds
Running outside is not a realistic option on this day
I cannot help but wonder what you must be saying
Playing, trying to move past my face, my eyes.

I stop searching, leaning on validation
You perhaps kiss another's lips
I wonder how many times you have texted me
But I will never know.

Gotta stay strong with my choice
It was so hard for you to stop and say
And free me for the final time
You knew what it meant if you did
But it looked and felt so good for you to look in my eyes--
You expressed, because you just--
You enjoy my company so much.

I wonder when I will hit the brink
Of not writing or having you take up my insides
My mother and room mate yell at the heavens
About what you have done to my soul, my brain
Polluted me, damage
When we all thought
We all hoped
We all knew, I think.

I don't wanna do anything today
I wanna go hit the town tonight
I'll never send you another poem
Ever again.

What a relief.

I wept and circulated
Believing that was me, thats me
I don't know why I have found myself here so many times
But I pick myself back up
Driving and flying past
Your little "ugly mug"
On the train
And your mouth twitched
As I left.

If I hadn't
If I didn't
In two weeks time
You'd be right back in my bed again.

I don't want to be your friend.

I don't know what else there is to say
Perhaps nothing at all.
Everyone around me salutes
I wish it was all clean and safe
We tried and we tried
I tried.

I'm so sick
And I'm so tired
I'm so just done
I stop crawling out of the little lost lagoon
Walking away only to return again
Fighting and needing reassurance
From 9 pairs of eyes
I don't wanna be your manager
I don't wanna be your girlfriend
I don't wanna be your "nothing better yet"


Because I'm everything.

He called me on the phone
It rang and sang his name
The fire emoji blazing.

He wanna talk
Out boppin' around
I bet he's got on his dancin' shoes
Jewels on his fingers, he always got words
Oozing and spilling out of those gorgeous lips
Like diamonds aflame
All of Chicago cooing his name
I just coo the softest.

And thats whats different
Thats whats special
He throws gems and emeralds with phrases
How he goes about his days, his ways
A multitude of love so expressed
He motions for me to join in on the party
Wants to make me comfortable
Not change me, and I listen
I listen
Its one of my best traits.

Southern Belle
Never thought I'd end up here
I sigh so deeply sometimes
Cuz I just thought this would all be so much *******
Easier.
Just about all my lovers got their person
Forevers echoing and demanding them to stay
In one solid place
And I'm listening on the phone
To the polyamory talk
And there ain't nothing wrong with it
But how did I end up here?

Gotta kick up your shoes to stay with it
In the wide big city of Chitown
And I don't want nobody right now
Like that
But my God, my God
He got his lips formulating words into meaningful sentences
I tell him I've just heard some of it before
As he acknowledges it with grace
I just
I just
I just
I just
I'm so ******* ready to go fly and run around a ******* forest.

Room mate got upset when I said I couldn't wait for all this to be over
She doesn't get it
She took it to the heart
But I've been sweating and doing this for a long time
You don't know what its like to always be the conductor
And I wouldn't trade it for anything
But my God
Today, I just wished
I just wished
That I had the comfort of knowing
Feeling
That...that one person
Had my back
And only my back.

"I want to be in something where we chose each other."
And you don't swat away ideas about the future
But I can't sign my time or heart away if theres no hope
As I brushed my teeth in the mirror
We are all reinventing
And it makes me wonder if some folk meant for some things
Others aren't
And I know I got it goin' on
But at the end of the day
The work
The work is what gets me through.

But where are you?
And will you just want me?
Will I just want you?
Room mate said today Lost Boy is so eaten up
Because he wanted me to The One so badly
And I can't seem to get anyone
To just stand still with me
That I wanna stand still with.


I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know.

I give up
There are no princes.
Only princesses
And the lucky men who get to show up.

(But my God. Find me. Or choose me.)

Ah! What could that be!!
The ever so romantic sound
Of lillies in white
A soft pale pink
Long gowns
You know, the finer things!

An orchestra of ponies
They neigh out confetti
As post after social media post
Portrays ever lasting happiness
An anniversary, wedding bliss!

I drink my coffee
My face wind chapped and tired
I wonder if that will ever be me.

Ah! The hum of bumblebees
Drones soar high above the couples head
The whistle of newlyweds!!
Preparing to pack up my house
My father doesn’t text me back
I don’t know who is honest in this family anymore

But never fear!
We’ve got a preacher with no head!
He’s holding a bible full of roses and lead.

I don’t want to be a cynic
I do still believe.

And then it was like you died
Along with lemon
And the white rice
We chomped on bit by bit
I thought of you twice tonight
And saw you in the floor boards
Of the dance floor
Where you dropped your hat
On purpose
And I thought
I wanted
Salvation
And wondered
What if I sought a resolution
But I listened to a song
That gives me sadness and peace

All at once
And didn't utter a sound.

It's okay
It didn't work out
But I wonder
Will we ever meet again
On accident
I'll be kind
You will say hello
Our hearts will drop
I'll forever remember
How I imagined us dancing
To and from
To and from
And me away
Cuz I flew the coop

Just like we all predicted.

I burnt my forehead
The day before election day
I broke some aloe vera plants
Prepared to needle and thread
The damage I had done.

Check the bag
A blood red
The ointment the plant creates
Oozing and healed up in red
Like a severe cut
I had laid upon them
To heal my wound.

I'm full of white guilt
I've been so angry
We out here
Those I love and respect take the streets
And I plan to partake
I'm with you, I'm so with you
I'm so with you.

I think perhaps
Theres something innate in those
That choose blue
And those that choose red.

Heres some fruit
Some almonds
I'm writing, I'm trying
Its not for vanity anymore
It never was meant to be.

I asked myself in the heat of the charcoal
What can I do
To be a better human?

Blood in the aloe vera bag
White guilt in the peak of the darkness
All I can do is be the strongest I can be.

Blue and high ceilings
You can get everything you need here
Mother checks out as I stand in the corner of a wall
******* perky, I forgot to wear underwear today

Electronics, CDs no one purchases anymore
Love the men's section flannels
People pass by me
Maybe wondering who or what I am
I remember when I begged for a pair of glasses
But got LASIK at age 21

A woman's phone jingles and jangles behind me
Valentines day gifts are already out?
It's not even 2015 yet.

People stand in line
And I think about all the crimes
We as human beings commit

"Let's go."
My mother says across the crowded Walmart room, and does her usual whistle
Buggy sounds, people check out
An old man motions "go on, goodbye."
Farewell.

Painting on the floor
Box can store
Mirror needs to be hung with
Tight rope, a little elbow grease
Unfinished gypsy land magic dream
But sometimes I have to remind myself
Of the magical pixie dust
I formulated around me.

Old lovers, past words, remove them
Like the cloths I seem to have outgrown
Ready for a new revolution,
Evolution, change
Vine leaves encircling and embracing
My velvet porcelain skin,
Everyone raises their hands to whisper
Amen, but I went my own way.

I remember pumpkin and long winded text
Raven hair, urging him and him
Stay, haunted tiny apartment complex
Kitty Kat smelled just like Halloween
Pollution, revelation of secrets
Shark fangs and badness
Escalating through my hips
My lips.

Times have changed, now
A new fall
A new chapter of the Bible
I wittily name all my spotify playlists
But actively hope for help
My mood swinging like a clock
That somehow forgot the
Figurines of time.

You express yourself through physicality
Fluid movement, isolations
Poetic potions you use a hint of lemon
My juices, inspire and teach you
But I think it might be you
I hand my graded paper to
In the end.

Lets bathe our selves in the smoothness of
What resides in my beside table
I ***** onto every fleeting moment
As if it were the last
As you remind me
"Think of the past two days, we are good"
I don't think I have ever in my
Almost 25 years
Had a man comfort me
With sincere goodness.

September.
Finger tips and puffs of smoke clouds
Remind me of what I had,
Who I was
The Old Crow I ****** down
Camera flickering on and off
It has taken me so much work
To get to here,
Now.

Luck.
Goodness.
Sincerity.
Courage.
Newness.
I face the calamities of my girlfriends around me
My face once bleeding with the past
I put it all on screen
Live in past moments, move away from them
Forever.
For it made me who I was, who I am
And is no more.


I'm good.

Cotton candy mouthes
Pressure on my face, he knows
All the right moves
Watch it crawl, its tiny heart pulses
In my hands
In my hands.
Creeping but worth eating
Tongues and crisp wings, they disappear

But you tell me, "Don't go. Not yet."
But I go, and I will go
Because my wings
They weren't meant for taste.

Dragon lips and red coated lust
Hearing sighs and promises of another time
But I see puppets cascading all around
Why do we ever have to frown?

But whether arms are pinned down
Or notes are left behind
Ripping again through my mind.
Dusty Dior and Epsom salt
Lets act like Charlize Theron in gold
Or that chick from Hocus Pocus
Nothing better than a fleeting moment.

I need another cup of coffee.

Smokey leaved insides
Green lipstick from the night before
I asked the bartender:
"Am I terrifying?"
But heres the safe restroom
A moment of seeing the sun hitting the windows
The fur coat I always wore
Lana Del Rey on repeat
I really thought, I think
That I did want it to be you?

The last time we drank ****** marys
All my material items, take them
Take them from me
A contentment, a sense of adventure
A knowing and feeling that you were right there
A relaxation I thought I could feel
But I glitch and we glitch
And I glitch through the line.

"I'm done. I'm so over it."
But I do, I admit
I cycle and recycle
Hoping for the real one
Hoping for the right one
But I don't wanna give up
My play time.
Lets be children on the playground
Together
Someday, whoever--wherever you are out there
My perhaps prince.

Lifting tables, piles of clothes
Take it all as I try to remember how to
Be mathematic, no--I really don't need
You to tell me in a positive stern way
That it wasn't "a waste."
No, it wasn't a waste
But you never danced into the night alone
You never dealt with saying "I'm an actress"
As men accused you of acting, acting all the time
You never knew REALLY knew
How that empty seat
Whistles and coos your name.

How could you?
How could I?
So I say a hundred and million more times--
I could **** myself over it, or I could be strong about it
Sarcasm and death, sarcasm and all the
Chocolate peanut butter ice cream
I wish I could drench my face in.

Long Eyelashes showed up unannounced
His blue eyes twinkling and gazing into mine
Take the mirror, take the board
May little reminders of me float through your life
Like pixie dust fresh from the moon
I hope I am always moon droplets
Everywhere I left my mark.

Kissing and longing
Whimpering, but body so tired
Anxiety and leg hurting
Can't go out and eat the night
Tonight
Hair in wet loops
Apartment covered in today and transition
I tell my mother: "I think I need to see a therapist."

BEAT.
"You are just stressed."
Yep. You are right.
I ******' am man.
But I look next to me
I long for the past in moments
For sushi nights, hustling down Spruce
A fresh new boy, a movie it felt so freeing to make
The avoidance and heartbreak, recovering
Recovering recovering recovering recovering recovering recovering.
That will be $
That will be $


But I
I drape my long lean strong legs
Over the empty seat.

Ice cubes in white wine
My life changing and evolving
Constantly, constantly.

Tonight as I smeared my lips
Painted my eyes
A big southern mosquito flew above my head
Landed right on my mirror
Taunting me, ******* my blood
I carefully, but also with a rush of mess
Splashed it at first with water from my glass
As it flew, spun around my head
Laughing and buzzing at me
All I saw was your face, your eyes
All the lies and cheating
You falling asleep in your Peter Pan den.

I became more violent
In  my battle with the mosquito
Splashing water around my bathroom
My make up freshly out on the counter
You flew, whizzed, pondering tactics
But I knew, I know
I'm smarter, wiser, braver, faster
Than you.

At last, water all over the mirror
Like strips of gum
With one single slap of my hand
Flashing back to when you broke the news to me
It felt so good, so right
To see your face go back with redness
For you to see what you had done.
You and the mosquito were never any match
For me.
Palm down on the green wall
I wondered at first--did I get it?
I brought my hand down
Covered in water and possible victory

And then I washed your scrawny
****** and taunting limbs
From my fingers.

Can't see a thing, in the blackness
Of the megabus windows
Curled up like a rabbit
The woman next to me and I
We slumber so hard
Dust in my eye
I remind myself to be grateful
For my life.

Plotting, crafting, contemplating
I make long winded videos
About mishaps from late nights
Trying to nod at the present
Forget the past
Not chase the future.

Tomorrow
A room, hearts, words
Eyes, dreams, love
This is not last year
Lost in Brooklyn until 8am, everyone insecure, trying to release
No, I am a different me.

It pains me to hear so little
And it pains me to be disciplined
But my ladies and I, we paint our dreams into the sky
Fearful I am full of horseshit
Or people see me as a southern little fool
But my crinoline skirt and I,
We waltz away.

This isn't for you and it's not for him
Or him or him
It's for the thrill we feel the first time we see who we have always wanted to see looking back at us in the mirror.

And by that, I mean a daring, unique
Fulfilled, ambitious, goddess
Me.

Remember how we thought
We might could be in love?

I'm sorta drunk.
3:16am.
I've got one skeleton and a lasso
A lasso of people
It reminds me when a child hood friend and I
We went to the rodeo
We won boomerangs
They came.back to us in the audience
I think?
Or maybe her mama just paid them
To say they did.

I'm so tired.
Comforting sounds from love and homie love we love
But this time last year I wasn't here
Don't wanna lose my spot, my meaning
But I always feel that way
But yet I go and I go and I go
Because I have to
Trust.

Tonight.
Was beautiful
And weird and hard and so very chill.
Short and sweet and meaty.
All the women secretly proclaim
They wanna be the mothers of dollface
But
**** it

Let's do it
Let's **** it
Because I know deep in my heart
This IS just the beginning
And filmmaking
Women
Ladies
We out here
And we are taking over.
So hang tight, hold on
Cuz we sittin next to you.

I wrote and hit send
Moments after expression
Filled my metaphorical tub.

I'm missing events, a chance to dress up
But I take care of my body, my soul.

I wanted to ****** the red glasses on her face off
I stand in holographics and faux leather
Each time he would pass on through.

We toasted shot glasses of whiskey
I put a sticker that said "Fragile"
To my chest
And reached out to him today
Because I couldn't stand
The feeling of boiling pain
And hatred.

I said no more torture, we've both suffered enough
I looked up and saw you looking
I met your eyes
But only for a moment
Before the rest of the world interrupted us.

Your look said hello
It said it's been so long
Today it felt violent, troubling
Full of desire
Confusion
And a tinge of shame.

TVs paying pink and purple swirls
At least I'm not spending money
Or making my body ache.

I miss having someone by my side
The feeling of someone so there
It comes and goes
The need and wanting.

I know what it will take
And a quiet exhaustion fills me up
So I take steps back
And rest.

It is the beginning of September
I balance and lean from side to side
Full of justice
And a secret need of feeling self important
Because what else do I have right now?
I think to myself.

Tuesday night, we say
I thought and plotted
All around, in, and outside of it
I worry about all of the steps
All of the hurdles my legs
Would fly right over.

Gratitude
At the end of it all
The gratitude can always stand
And remind us of humility
And a centered
Self assurance
No man or piece of art
Paycheck
Or compliment
Could give us.

Remember the moonshine?
And how I fit in the crevices of the
Fridge that sunny, humid bright summer night
Coral high waisted shorts
Short hair
It was all in fun, we always made eyes
Until you turned around and gave it right to me
A sweeping addiction
The curl of a lip that I fell into
Like goose feathers on fire
Humming like the familiar whisper of
"I do have a girlfriend. But its nearly over."

Or
Or just how
"Its open can't you see"
Come, come play with me
Ensnared in the trap
The trap that knows and chooses no quiet
To only find myself justifying the mischief
With its not me, cant quit it
Not yet
Take a deep breath
But I always saw it for what it was.

An angry much older than me woman
Hit high like an airoplane
But I swear there was no MIA playing in the background
I would rather there have been
Perhaps I could have chalked it up
To that time I was 14, 15
And we sang in loud southern voices
Thinking we were gods
Swept up in the toxicity
Of what is leaving here?

But I left
I left and ran away
My mama did a good job the other day
Of making me feel like
Sometimes it is good to take a step back
When my rattle snake tail
Thumps and hurdles
No wicked, no rest
Just a biting honesty
That sometimes
Gets me in what I would have said when I was little
"Trouble."

I wear faux fur around my neck
When I shave the insides of my thighs
Pretending that I'm the queen of the ruins
But I'm always in such a hurry
To get it over with, get it done.

I've trifled and I've seen so much
I write and read it out loud often
In what I imagine to be
The glass that I dreamed shattered out of my hands
As my patient and ever loyal lover
Rested and hoped for ease
In the room adjacent to me.

I'm becoming better and stronger
With each day that goes by
And though that better and that stronger
Often times feels swamped in
Cob webs, dusty rabbit dens
The buzzing nest of a wasp
That stung the tip of my finger
I must have been seven
When I thought I was an etherial being

And stood in front of a group of boys
And said
"Let me."