I know.

I know today is looming larger
Than the lump in your throat
That you swallowed last night as you
Stood in the shower,
Trying to wash away the feeling
Of everything-is-going-wrong
And replace it with whispers of
It's no big deal
You don't want them to know that
It hurts
Because then the questions will come
As you press your lips together
And blink back the tears that scream
I do not want to be here today.
But even louder is the whisper in your heart saying
You did this last week
You can do it again.
Maybe it's the dead of night right now and that's ok.
Because there is something beautiful
About the night sky
The infinite amount of stars
Match the amount of times you keep trying
The fact that it never ends
seems as impossible as making it through today
But here's a secret; you aren't alone.
You aren't the only shower-crier  
Please stop for a second      
Reach your hand through your warm skin
And find your heart, where it beats without question.
Tie the beats to your fingers so that you don't forget who you are.
You were created by the same man
Who made the stars.
Not cut from any pattern.
Made from the strongest materials.                    
Today is hard, I know.
But you can open your eyes.
The sun will rise soon enough, but you might as well stargaze while you're waiting.
I know you will be ok.

Dreamt ******* about you last night
Doesn't it hurt being with someone when you're missing me?
Or maybe you only miss me when Jack Daniels reminds you
Of what we were
Of what I am to you
Whenever I hold another man I close my eyes as tight as I can and try to imagine your scent, to get as close to you as possible

It's sick isn't it?
How pain will lead me into the arms of someone else
But at the end of it all
Although I care about this man

I wish it was you every time I wake up in the morning

I remember on Halloween
I was covered in fake blood
And red hair dye
And I was crying

And you got in the shower with me
And washed my hair

I watched the red cover the bathtub
I had wished it was my blood
But hugged your warm thick body instead
The feel of it is something I think about a lot
I know you think about it too
I know you at least think of me

Ps. I told you so

All I needed
To hold on another hundred years
It was all I needed


All I needed
All I need

There was a time in my life
That I had you
You weren't with me
And I lay in bed
My hair wet from tears on both sides

Depression plagued me
And held a weight on my chest
That cemented me to my mattress

I didn't know I was sick
I thought you were to blame
And that wasn't fair

But despite that
Despite the fact I thought you were the reason for my sadness
I still told myself that I would never leave you
I told myself that I loved you too much to ever hurt you or make you sad
I promised myself that I was going to stay with you until you died
And it was worth me having a miserable life
So you could be happy
I was going so crazy I thought about killing myself
But I knew that it would **** you


I WAS GOING SO BAT **** CRAZY
I MOMENTARILY CONTEMPLATED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF I KILLED YOU
AND KILLED MYSELF
SO WE COULD BE RID OF THIS PAIN
AND IF THERE WAS A GOD
YOU WOULD STILL GO TO HEAVEN

So don't EVEN
FOR A ******* SECOND
TELL ME
THAT I DIDNT REALLY LOVE YOU
BECAUSE I WAS WILLING TO GIVE UP
EVERYTHING
GIVE IT ALL UP
GIVE UP MY HAPPINESS
MY SANITY
MY LIFE AND ITS WORTH
FOR YOU AND YOUR HAPPINESS
THATS WHY I KNOW IT WAS LOVE
IT IS LOVE
Because all the other boys I "had"
All the other boys I "loved"
I let go
For me
And I still haven't let you go
For me
But I try to leave you alone
For you


I've been seeing you in my dreams lately
Last night I was covered in burns and you still brought me home
And we made love

I knew it was a dream
But at a very strange point
I said **** it
And gave you the most loving hug
Like I used to
With my arms cradling your head
And my legs wrapped around your ribs

It felt real
I could feel the warmth of your skin
I could SMELL you for christ's sake
Does that mean you were there??
Is love actually this spiritual??
Do you dream of me too??
Or do I remember your scent and feel so well, that I tap into the deep deep parts of my subconscious and I can relive
Such vivid memories
That its like you're actually there

I love you
I love you every day
I will love you tomorrow
And I will love you until my last breath

I will be who I want to be one day
And that day I will come for you
And tell you I'm ready
**** dude I really hope you'll take me then
I wish even more I was ready now..

he calls me poetic

he talks to me on the phone like I am not Shauna

But then

he breaks from something
a cage a shell a barrier

calls me
poetic
says I am
good with my words

man oh man i am going insane
Lord help us all

it really hurts to know you are happy
without me
and you are moving on
without me

but I only want happiness for you
even if it's
without me

but I still feel you babe
when I think about you
I can still feel you
so that proves that love is real
Or I am way more ****** than I had originally thought..