Doors, windows, all nailed shut
An overgrown lawn that hasn't been cut
In over a year, or maybe two
That's how long its been
Since I last saw you.
I walk on your porch
Cautious that the floorboards don't creak
Remembering you makes my heart weak
Because the time away from you
Has added years to my heart
And I really don't think that we can be apart
So I gather my strength, my hands start to shake
My fists squeezed so hard that my fingernails break
I clench down my teeth, my confidence is high
The more I wait, the more this plan goes awry
One more glance at my feet, and to myself I agree
I know once I knock my past is behind me
I raise my arm and knock on the frame
And realize that there was nothing to gain
For when opening the door, it seems it was never blocked
The door, this whole time, has been unlocked.

I can still hear you,
Singing to me softly,
Your eyes on me only,
Whispering "do you still love me?"
I can still feel you,
Cradeling my bones,
Your arms around me,
It still feels like home.
I still see you,
In every boy I kiss,
And every crack
On the sidewalk
I stay up late,
I grow weak,
I can't stop these feelings,
I can't stop you.
You flood my mind,
My brain is New Orleans,
And you're my Katrina,
And my levees break every time.
I know I can never have you again,
But at least I can miss you.
My body aches from
Aging too early
Because living without you
Is like adding decades to my heart,
And no fountain of youth
Can quench my thirst
You're my phantom limb,
Ive lost you, but I feel you
With every move
Every step
Every time.

Sad eyes
Tired thighs
Hung head
Torn threads

Yellow wrists
Clenched fists
Bruised cheeks
Messy sheets

***** teeth
Concrete underneath
Clean cars
Faded scars

Time will never heal

You were the first one, of a long time.
You swept me off my feet,
I don't need to say,
Why you made me feel complete,
November 17th.

You were Lon and you were lean,
A new tan shown from summer
You were out kicking in soccer
I miles away, taking a breath
Waiting for that text

We spoke often, even though
You hated to speak
And we couldnt wait
Till we were complete
November 17th

Days got longer,
Temperature got colder
So did our love,
Tears ran down my shoulder

You didn't speak back,
I felt useless as hell
Because I fell

Now it's months later,
I finally found
What I've been looking for
For all this time

He makes me complete,
Not how you used to
It's something different,
Some thing unique
November 17th

Goodbye, goodbye
See you next summer
Feelings change,
It's always a ******
But until again we'll meet
November 17th

I don't know where you are
But I remember where you were
When you first touched me
Not leaving a mark on my skin
But a tattoo on my brain
I don't think I'll ever forget
How I could sense you from a mile away
The way you would crawl into bed
How you held me in your sleep
Instead of dreaming
Because we never had to dream
Our dreams were reality
Our reality
Like a movie
Each day was like a different frame
Our life was seamless
A perfect blending of happiness
Not even Scorsese could direct
Words turned to actions
And questions turned into promises
In the forms of affection and in rings
And rolling the windows down in the car
Because you liked the way my hair looked in the gust
I remember everything
Every memory
Every touch
Like stains on a white blouse I will never get out
You stained my skin
You changed my whole being


I don't think I could ever deny what we had
What we could have
Or what we were
Though you hurt me in more ways than one
I don't think i will ever get that tattoo removed
Because I will never regret loving you
And I never want you off my mind

Confusion with contusion,
But not on my skin-
On my mind

I feel the fractures
Of each emotion,
Or maybe I'm feeling
the lack there of

I feel  nothing
yet I feel everything
I feel hate
I feel remorse

"You'll find better"
"You deserve more"
"You'll find what you're looking for"

What if it was here
What if it was mine
And what if I threw it away

I don't think I'll ever be content
With the way I look,
The way I sing,
The way I talk
Or walk
Or dress
Or run
But you are
I don't think I'll ever be okay with the way I hold in my thoughts
Or how I don't always look both ways before I cross the street
Or how negativity brings clouds over my head
But you don't seem to mind
I didn't know that I could actually be loveable
Until you showed me that even God loved Lucifer
Once long ago
You showed me how to love myself
How to speak with a gentle tounge-
To speak my mind and be heard
That even when I'm off pitch
You love my melodies
That even though I'm not content
You are
With every flaw, ever scratch, every fade

I now look both ways before crossing the street.

They say home is where the heart is--
And my heart was with you.
In you.
Always.
I remember the first time we slept together...
Afraid to touch me
Your hands like feathers.
When I looked at you, I looked at you with such... Such... Awe.
Such love.
My heart would bump... Bump... Bump...
But now that bump is a thud.
You were my love, my drug,
But just like the sun rises, rehab cures
You are not home to me anymore.
Your arms, once my fortress are now crumbling
Your chest turned to dust
You say that now I am homeless
But I have found a place of my own...
I am my home.

I dont really know why I though I changed
I'm back to my old useless, selfish ways
Crippling love, killing those I do
Slowly but surely there will be an end
I dont know if I can wait to see it
Living without breathing, I dont know what I want more
To feel
Or to be loved

what happens when you're home catches fire?
what do you take? what do you leave?
my home is on fire and i cannot stay -
or should not.
but if i leave i let the memories die
i let the flames lick my future
i leave my loved ones to lie
why can't i be immune to this destruction?
i must be able to do something
say anything
please help me to put these flames out
because to let this place burn
is to let you go

tonight i walked out of the house and sat in my car
it was the kind of night that you remember
i sat there for minutes, thinking of all the memories
that make me, we, happy
i imagined what would happen if i showed
up at your house at 10:58 p.m.
your mother wondering why the hell you chose
me, out of all the other girls in north central iowa
you, are the winter turning into spring
the slush on the side of the road
the puddles little kids jump into
i am the april showers
and you?
may flowers.

I don't know where to start.
There isn't a current location in my brain,
And no final destination in my feet.
All I know is that I love it when our eyes meet.
I can't remember the first time you held my hand.
I can't remember the first thing this said to me.
But I remember the first time we laid side by side.
And when you broke my collar bone,
Apologies falling from your lips like the tears that roll each night for a hundred nights and more until I see you.
I dont know if it gets worse before it gets better,
Or if the sun will rise before I wake, but I do live in the fact that you'll be there when I do.
I long for the past like it was a good ex-girlfriend.
I wish I didn't take those 45 minute drives for granted.
I would've walked every mile.


What has been done has been done,
What will be done is for us to decide.
Forward, backward,
I don't care.
As long as you exist I will live like this.

i would compare you to a rose
but my english teacher said that poets shouldn't use that metaphor too much

so i'll compare you to winter,
or an overcast sky
ill compare you to every heart break,
heart heavy back breaking sob i would ever take
illnesses and bone breaks

but we know it's not you
if i can't use roses then what metephor is left to make?

in the end there's nothing i can say that could show you who you are
to me, or you, or friends afar
but one thing i can say that can make it clearer
is that you are finer than every single star
and maybe that is just as over used like roses and mars and drunk kisses at underground dive bars

but you ? what are you ?

you must be everything.

What do people feel
When they let go?
I don't know, that's why I'm asking.
What do people do
When they can't feel?
No one knows, because there's no grasping.
Why did you do it?
How did you know
That it would be me that'd be feeling empty and alone?
I hope you feel better
I hope you feel great
Knowing you family just made your grave.
It started on concrete then into the vase,
Your body was too broken,
We couldn't make out a face.
And now I am sitting here
Tears never ending
And I ask myself why
I am feeling:
Alone.
Afraid.
Lost.
Empty.
Because now all I have
Are these memories and these tears that never seem to dry.

i wonder why i trusted you
or happened to enjoy it too
i wonder maybe if we do
how long til this gets back to you

love is short and love is quick
love can heal and love can lick
love maybe what we need too
how long til this gets back to you

hey there honey, hey there babe
hey there love of dead men's graves
hello baby i'm better you know
but my love for you oh how it grows

i hope your happy on your own
i hope you think about me too
i see you every where, i do
i hope that this gets back to you
how long til this gets back to you
i need this to get back to you

remember when we wished we could run away?
just up and leave, stuffing our bags full of anything we could find?

why didn't we?

if you'd like to
we could take a walk down some trails
find ourselves in nature instead of this tempered world
if you'd like to
we could watch tv or listen to records
about loving and fighting, kissing and biting
if you'd like to,
I could tell you every single thing I love about you,
And kiss every part too.

I could love you,
if you'd like to.