I now know
Why little girls crying
Into teddies say they're
Dying.
Now I know that none of
My songs of heart-

Break were real. I had
No idea.
None.

It's like holding your breath
When you know that that car is
Not going to
Stop.

It's the chill down your neck when
You learn that somebody
Just like you
Passed away. Suddenly.

It's the feeling of knowing you're
Losing your grip on the roof of
A burning
Skyscraper. Air.

A soldier, a landmine.
Looking down to see
That your body
Is broken.
Broken.

I now know why country music
Is so close to God at all times.
Why amputees grieve over
Lost limbs.
Why girls cry and boys drink.

It's going to bed, certain that  
The sun will not
Rise in the morning.

As a child I would play
On my mood swing everyday.
It still new
And hardly frayed
It would take me up and back away.
If someone pushed me up
I'd say
"This is such a beautiful day!"
And if some stole my swing from me
I'd sit and pout
In childish melancholy.
A few years passed
And my mood swing stayed.
I stared at it but hardly played.
I'd sometimes think
"Maybe today
Will be the day my mood swing breaks."
My mother's tears
And my father's rage
Would make my mood swing
Lose it's sway.
My brothers and sisters would look away
While by myself
On my mood swing I would pray.
"Please just push me up again
Make me smile
Be my friend."
In my teens I never glanced
At the swing
It being rusted but not collapsed.
I used it for another wish
Like hanging with friends
Or sharing my first kiss.
The slightest breeze could push it now.
I never had to be in the seat.
In memory I'd see it go up and down
And the ground would never meet my feet.
I gripped the chain
And laughed and screamed
My feelings were transfered
Into that swing.
Then I changed into my adult like skin.
So grown up
I thought I knew everything.
My mood swing was for childish work
And I'm too big
Too much of a naive ****.
I swung myself
As high or low as I'd command
Thinking I had the control all in my hands.
I figured all who we're passing me
Would assume me swinging high
Swinging free.
Unknowing that my mood swing
Was swinging me.
Until those times I'm swung too low
My feet would catch
My adrenaline grow.
I fell so many times,
Looking back on my method then,
It's wasn't as easy as it was at 10.
Of course someone was helping me.
Now my swing is jerking me
It feels too small when I sit in the seat.
I don't go as high now like I used to be
I can only move if I kick my feet.
My mood swing made it so long without defeat
But I have awhile to go
And I'm not confident as it squeaks.
What if my children want to play on it someday
And I give them my swing in disarray?
I've long forgotten how to play
On my mood swing
In the way.

Once
upon a time
a little girl had a dream
that she was fading
losing
falling
and she hated it
and grew to have a
hatred
for ghosts
just like you
just like you
just like a star
something
quick
here and gone
in a flash
of purple light
and red fog
something to remember
but never to speak of
to hunt my ghosts
to hunt them down
and drown them
in smoke and white walls
something to hunt
nothing human
the deepest parts
buried beneath
a thousand
falling
shoes
and a basketball jersey
something hated
like someone I used to know
and then
with another flash
a streak across the sky
and the flick
of a lighter
like silver dripped on a wet page
like ghosts
in the mist
of a sad park
          with a sad man
                      and a very sad girl
because they have ghosts
haunting their heads
with a whisper
and a forgotten tear.

when i feel i'm lost,
i look for you
instead of
myself.

maybe that's my problem.

i.
When you told me life was hard
You said it was like
Trying to catch water
With your bare hands
And I thought
You are the water droplets
In a place where it never rains

ii.
When you told me
You would rather hibernate
And take a nap from life
I thought
You are the sleep
That eludes me
As I go from falling asleep
To wide awake
Within a matter of seconds
Because when you're here
I would rather be awake

iii.
When you're down
Looking through a pessimistic lens
Of a glass only half full
I drink all the water
Getting rid of the problem
And I would gladly drive
The karma bus
To show you how much worse it can get

iv.
I've heard your sob story
Moans and complaints
A million and one times
But not once have I seen you
Trying to change

v.
See the beauty in life
And capture it
Don't expect anything
And you won't take anything for granted
What you deem as an ordeal
Could be an adventure

you've hurt me in ways unexplainable by words,
but you're still my sky my stars, you're my whole ******* world
I feel your fingertips glide along my blood stained hip while I ruin my complexion with yet another rip.
I'll never be good enough but I'll let you continue to **** me
i lay in bed and think about all the things that we could, but never will be.