How to approach something so intangible, with little cellular to describe to my nerves
How to make verbal something so emotional, based on psychology and civil construction
How to perceive myself appropriately despite the eroding drips that pierce progress and old photos I cling to with such immaturity
These questions all are for the same goal, that progression of the self, all those substantial, cerebral, sensual and societal realisations that I yearn for
And yet... I sit, making delusional dreams come true in screens, I sit, making deep intellectual arguments for causes that aren't my own, I sit, researching complicated **** ups and ****** withs the powerful inflict in their attempts to balance a system born broken and biased
Screens are our new ****** it seems, as we reject religion our screens let us forget that the world continues around us, or encourage us not to care
And I come to this self consciousness, this ironic hypocritical reprehension
Because I really enjoy what all these creative minds and years of work and beauteous ideas have given me, but with the same hypocritical tone, despise my compulsion to stare into pixels

As I indulge this self awareness, I know I will continue with the same mental obesity of consumption tomorrow
And there will be no hypocritical self evaluation, just self involved enjoyment
Until the moments come when I am left alone with my mind
Self conscious, reflective, feeling as the time has been lost, but my mind is too tranquilised with pixel and poster representations of reality to notice
This won't change but...

Maybe if I take some time to turn pages rather than press buttons, and stare at sunsets rather than screens
That self evaluative journey I've ignored and returned to sporadically in the reflective yet warm darkness would be less intimidating
And if nothing else, on those days where reality lies next to me filling my cerebral stomach with the undeniably existential
I might feel a bit better about those days lost to other people's stories

Candy

A candy box of vile lies,
Lies,
Which left me tranquilised,

A game of thrones,
Was in full swing,
Guess,
Who stole the power back,

Twisted,
Turned into a monster,
Only for him,
He got his just desserts,

Numbed extreme,
In extremities,
Feelings not lost,
Forever more,

Happened many times before,
Evened now,
It's in the past,
Guess who won?
It is all done,
WOW!
By ladylivvi1

© 2013 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)

Left her crying in the driveway
after forcing her way through the window,
feigned a car crash, a sudden death,
so I could sleep alone and warm
without discussion across the pillow.

Drank whiskey and coke,
distant and remote-
noted her painted nails,
her short skirt, her knotted shirt,
shaved legs
in anticipation
for something I could not give her.

Made an excuse to sing the blues
until the pills took their hold
and muffled my strings
in a tranquilised series
of half-toned grins
and yawns that sing
the death of another evening.

Would rather take to art
than any flesh, bone, or heart
that bleeds upon my feeling,
would rather cling to a verse,
a muddied crime, suit, or hearse,
that leaves me high and dry
and staring up at the ceiling.

Left her nursing her wounds
whilst I search for an excuse
why I cannot love without leaving.
Left her alone in her bed
a feast of wine and bread
that has no taste,

that has no rhyme or reason,
for why I keep ploughing the field,
for why I keep moving through the seasons.

There is no meaning to my motion,
no depth to my frantic gathering of breath,
no distilled calm, nor consequence to each brief,
suffering emotion.

I am just a ladder to climb.
I am no stairway to heaven.

Rolling lips.
Flashing eyes.
Blazing red.
Petrified.

Stiletto heels.
Stake in hand.
The huntress waits inside.
Shadow blanket.
Cool and damp.

Lover rigid.
Tranquilised.
Palm pressed hard.
Upon forehead.
Body sustenance all gone.
Dead.

Huntress's stake.
Life did take.
She must.
Vampire.
Undead.
Pile of dust.

Goodbye my love.
(c)LIVVI

The Wild Park!

In a vague and hazy love song,
We're dancing in the dark,
Where flower bands and garlands,
Are skipping round my head,
Where fairies kiss me on the ears,
To chase away my tragic fears,
To make wild magic of their own,
In wilderness land,
Such luscious bounty found.

Lain in the park under the oak,
Looking at the sky,
You and I, Thee and me,
Laid beneath that ancient tree,
The bees were crowding round the bark,
Having their own sweet party in the park,
The sky was bright,
Came out of dark,

Wandered through the wild garden,
Beauty seen before my eyes,
A combination poppies and veg,
All laid in the flower bed,
Foxes left their gloves behind,
So hum drum people can find,
Some very strange and weird plants,
So beautiful I'm tranquilised,
In this garden of romance!
By ladylivvi1
© 2013 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)

In a vague and hazy love song,
We're dancing in the dark,
Where flower bands and garlands,
Are skipping round my head,
Where fairies kiss me on the ears,
To chase away my tragic fears,
To make wild magic of their own,
In wilderness land,
Such luscious bounty found.

Lain in the park under the oak,
Looking at the sky,
You and I, Thee and me,
Laid beneath that ancient tree,
The bees were crowding round the bark,
Having their own sweet party in the park,
The sky was bright,
Came out of dark,

Wandered through the wild garden,
Beauty seen before my eyes,
A combination poppies and veg,
All laid in the flower bed,
Foxes left their gloves behind,
So hum drum people can find,
Some very strange and weird plants,
So beautiful I'm tranquilised,
In this garden of romance!
By ladylivvi1

© 2013 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)

One night as I crept into bed
And said a deafening prayer
With a heavy head
And mightless weight
I thought about how I'd aged

Flashbacks of childhood days
Began to take small shape
Things I thought I'd long forgotten
Began to return in little ways

With the company of the lightning
Oh what a calamity it was
So calming yet damning
For I knew it was for me
Some transgressions need to be tranquilised

At once I became a tinker in a forest
Lost beyond comprehension
Like the child that I never was
With the happiness I never lived

Delirium slowly takes over as
The pills begin to take effect
I have always wondered
How such little contraptions
Could do so much damage to our bodies
Wreck it entirely
And leave us frothing for a second chance

And as I ruminated at length
As my mind darted from tree to tree
I began to wonder
How I came into existence
And a little satisfaction as I thought
'Why me?'
Oh nights like these
Can leave you hanging
When questions have no answers
To be seen

As the flashbacks ended so too did the lightning
Though thunder stayed to remind me
That wrath and wreckage will deliver
What courage cannot make quit

For years on end I
Traipsing on ropes as thin as these
Living on a trampoline
But what if delusion blinds
And there is no one at the end of the string
And as I hit the ground
Blood smashes me piece by piece
And loudly I chide myself
For my lack of belief
Where is all the hope I used to have?
Though I never was doe-eyed
Nor ever claimed to be
But innocence lost is tantamount
To the human spirit's defeat

And here I lay
Hands clasped
On my chest
How I remember the last time I ever wished so badly
For recovery
How I threw caution to the wind
And expected to be protected
So recklessly
The last time I envisioned
How my funeral might be
Will I be clutching roses?
Will I die without anyone knowing?
Will the silent screams of the sea
Overshadow all my grief?
Or will there be none
As I leave smiling
Happier than I have ever been
And to these thoughts there are no answers
To such wild dreams no reality
My heavy head was not wired
To ever ruminate so deeply

In the span of 20 minutes
I saw my life flash past me
Perhaps not because I was about to lose it
But for the sake of reminding me
That of all the things that can be lost easily
Life
Has most melee
And we are taking so many things for granted
As if they're guaranteed
As if our heart is build to last
In our ribs of helix steel

And this night most of all
I decided I was going to live freely
In the new life that soon awaits me
To be who I need to be

And these pills that foremost mean to heal will guide me into sleep

There are inmates in outpatients
and
patients in side wards with ingrowing
toenails,
Doctors who mumble
old people who stumble
apple crumble at lunchtime
a woodbine for the smoking room
which doubles as a lead lined tomb
for when the X-ray's run wild.

He has no compunction in
diagnosing dysfunction
I wonder who died and made this
man a God.

When they do an autopsy and
cut bits off of me
I think that It'll shock them
when
they see Blackpool Rock
printed right through me.

I return to the inmates
who've been discharged
from a cannon,
I feel like a man on
a mission
which is wholly unlikely.

The Doctor's tread lightly now
inject me twice nightly now
how I wish I was back
in the outpatients
but
I have patience,
I'll wait,
an unstable inmate
tranquilised and
stabilised.

a hamster on a wheel.

Suddenly the stars went out,
The moon glowed cold.
A wild sky.
Tormenting winds.
The clouds blown into obscurity.
Blocking moonlight from thee and me.
Howling dust coated landscape reared up in front of me.
Blankness of sunless expression.
The war made it's darkest impression.
I saw a rat scurrying over there, beneath the shadow coated wall.
The dead wrapped in their silent shrouds, as wall images.
Poor sods.
Oh God,
No God?
Somehow, you still hold my hand.
Maybe we just hold each other up.
Into my tranquilised eyes you stare.
I stare back into yours.
No music, no love, mere existence.
The wireless crackles ...---...
There must be someone out there,
So now what do we eat?
(C)LIVVI

The evening rides in on a piebald pony and it is only I who see the sting in its tail.
and yet we're all gripped by the madness of self service checkouts that speak to us as if we're all soft in the head,

unexpected lifetime in the bagging area!
are you over twenty five?

if this lunacy is allowed to continue,
we'll continue to be medicated,
tranquilised and doped up to the eyeballs
and then
we won't care about the pony,
the checkout, the madness
and we'll only wait for the end
which will be an in store special
in selected stores on Saturday.

It's not Mother's ruin that's the new *****
of the masses
it's two pairs of glasses for the price of one
and
buy another at a quarter of the cost.

we have almost lost in the game,
****** and we don't know what anyone's
name is anymore
and too drunk to stand up and fight.

Her breath tranquilised my soul.
This glutton glass is filled.
Her smile is all over.
Half consumed by need.
Half filled with wine and love.
Blood rising to the lips.
Flooding my head with her thoughts.
She can never read.  . .
she is filled with love tears.

I think of the moments we gently stole.
From a curious eyes of crying soul.
Fiding the universe in our palms and we stare it unfold.
Driving the distance to escape our own.

Her thoughts and i,
Waiting for someone.
We stay awakened.
Hoping for something to numb the heart in sorrow.
Needed to tending.
With a pinch of divine and that platinum lining.

Seeing the empty seats in a car.
Is taken by her absence .
Her memories warm the gear shaft.
Without our fingers twined .
Is bare striped of our nakedness thoughts.

When rain comes to me.
It floods my inkheart.
For a drizzle noon.
It is parked within .
Behind a sheet of rain and ink pouring out.
Our tongues were mating.
Like lost out love puppies.
We could shed love tears. 🔥🌹🌹🌺