Department store leg warmers
sharing the stage with thrift store achievements
candle wax and I can't recognize futuristic defeat.
Here in my corner
red lights, behind plenty of ears and tattoos
cardigans, cardigans galore.
I've seen them all before,
these cardboard cutouts.

Lamp, desk, repeat
lamp, desk, repeat.
I love the view when everything
dissipates into jean and jean and
t-shirt

I was reading when you're pineapple hair scooped
up my conscious mind
behind books and bags,
books and bags and cups.

septemeber 2014 i told my dad i didnt want to be alive anymore
in our kitchen, we sat on the floor, he held me and through his tears he told me he never wants to lose me
i think about this all the time
october 2014 my 2 year old brother saw my cuts and scars
he brings me bandaids all the time
novemeber 2014 my mom walked in on my 6th suicide attempt
we stayed up all night driving around, talking about how much i wanted to end my life
she asks me every day how i'm feeling now
december 2014 my step dad found sleeping pills i had been purchasing and saving for 6 weeks
he didnt cry when his only son was born but he couldnt even breathe when he found my pills and confronted me about it
janurary 2015 my step mom drove my to the er when she found my almost dead in the shower
she didnt sleep for 3 days while she and my mom stayed at the hospital with me
feburary 2015 my mom found my journal of suicide notes
there was over 100 notes
march 2015 my grandparents began noticing how bad i was getting
my grandmother stayed at our house during march break with me
april 2015 i saw my favourite band who has helped me through a lot of tough times
i got their lyrics on my body forever to remind me that i'm not my illness
may 2015 my bestfriend and i made a promise to each other to remain self harm free
we promised to help eachother get through our illnesses
june 2015 she was in the hospital for trying to **** herself
i knew i had to stay strong for the both of us
july 2015 i started to work on myself
i started to notice the beauty in things again
i forgot how much i loved the rain
how much i loved flowers
how much i cared about nature and the planet
i forgot how much i loved life
august 2015 i started to plan for the future
i started thinking about 10 years down the road
september 2015 i'm not where i want to be yet, but im so proud of how far i've come
im proud of myself

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. - Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.
nov 1, 09
you had me standing with chattering teeth in the novemeber chill. the first time i had spoken to you in weeks. i was holding myself together so well. and then i broke. like you knew i would. hell we both knew it.
red box.hat.scent.shirts.skin.warmth.silence.depth.heart.wrecking.
we­re held to the touch of wrong. the sweet eyes of hidden truth. you have now set me up twice but i like being taken advantage of when its you taking.i am the perfect descripiton of your sweetest downfall, your only downfall.i want this all to come. come straight into me again like you always did. i mean i saw you smile when you wanted to walk away. but something in you made you stay.you could have broken my grip in half but instead you laughed at the jokes you wished you didnt have to hear. and i know this never happened. we never happened.ever. so im writing about a night that didnt exist.your hands slipping over skin.trembling under the brush of your hand.shaking all over like it was happening all over again.
“everything is so ****** up now. what do we have to lose now? everythings all ****** up.”
“am i just going crazy cuz i miss you?”-atmosphere.
i think you were impressed by the outcome of my words.

When am I permitted
to forget? When can I bury these memories?

The ones where you laughed, as I used to
Ones where you trembled in anticipation
before those shakes became
gut-wrenches

The ones where I overheard your men
who said you begged of God
over
and over
To let me forget you
as you had to forget me
amidst the smoke, ash, clicks and debris

And I wish I hadn't received that letter with
those unofficial Last Words
your comrade heard

Those weren't the ones I wanted most
they didn't set me free
I needed your: "I'm coming home"
You belong right here with me

And I wish I could forget
that there are memories
I can't remember

but with the truth of time
I've come to know
We were never One
Because Your Face
blurs
when my memories stir

And my tears are for the grave
you share
with another man
and a foot


I am thankful that the rows of crosses
have no faces

If I saw your face, I would beg for mercy
I'd plead anything to forget
that
I can't remember your eyes
or laugh

What I recall is a hollow man who screams.
Your voice that whispered
It's all a dream
is drowned out by that bellowing

And I can numb my eyes
to those images
but the knowledge still burns

Because I wish I could forget
that there are memories
I can't remember




                                         *What I recall is that you left
                                          on the eighth of November

yes
i am participating in no shave novemeber
and if i wanted to braid the rainbows that curl under my arms
you cannot stop me
not with shame
not with punishment
because i am gorgeous
and because i am strong
and if i choose to shave myself
i will
but i won't

I want to ask you why you hate me
When I loved you so.
I want you to remember the day we
decided to let go
Maybe you'll remember the way we
Cried all the way home.

I remember that first walk to our favorite spot
Everytime we met, there we sat upon that stone
I cradled your heart as you embraced my hand

I remember sneaking over
In my bed we'd lie
Gossiping for hours; tangled in the sheets

I remember fireworks up above
As we walked with fingers interlocked
Blues and greens and reds

I remember we made that enchanting summer last
Until late Novemeber leaves crunched
Underneath our feet

I remember loud music and long country rides
That night when your mom arrived

I remember those forced goodbyes
Hurting everytime

I remember waiting for weeks to pass
Just to hold you once more
To feel you caress my legs

I remember driving into the unknown
To park and talk a while
Singing our favorite songs just to hear us laugh

I remember lying on your mothers couch
As we watched that comedy on your tv
You softly spoke into my ear
I'll never forgot those words
Followed by your hands

I remember that last walk
You whispered a secret to my lips
And I watched you go for the last time

I The Ravens

What spirit flies in fall the raven’s
Over mesa and on the wind
High above the valley of long light
And shadow, in waves towing
With their wings the seams of night
Tugging the tight veins of winter.

Against the wind, in pairs twirl
Like lover’s in the deeper woods, and
Shadows on the stone make four
But only from the dying sun.

II Venus

What pale star rests above the kiva
In dusk the last light is Venus wearing
A crown of waning purple light I know
I know I sulk among the junipers, like
A slug beneath a stone a snake
Within his hole I know the night
To come, the cold stars not so naked.

III So is Darkness

So is darkness but the desert of
Light, and just as long as sad?
The endless journey between the
Wall of pines, the dark oceans of
The mind, climbing toward the
Edges of the summit and declaring
The emptiness of things, fluttering
Just two beneath the newly birthed
Moon.

civil lights against the black earth
sleepy eyes and silent faces of the
people around me
so many moving so fast without so
much as a flinch when we begin to
go

it is 7:04 and I think of the train ride home

a man jumped in front of a train
the cookies we bought were good
yet cold
it was fun for me but a stress I’m
sure for my grandma and her friend

it is 7:07 and I think of the time before the train

we lost my mom and grandma
the tube stop told us where the
real train station was
young cabbies always seem to
be the quietest and least helpful
of the bunch

it is 7:08 and I think of even before then

there was an itlaian woman on the train,
asking her husband for a baby
castles do not amuse me much, I’m not
one for old things or christianity
it’s cold and dark here but nobody seems
to mind

it is the evening of novemeber 26th

Here she lays
on the 29th of Novemeber
Black and white and so elegant
she was with me when i divorced my wife
she never judged me
stayed by my side
slept where i did
she was my rock
Sylvy is her name
i will forget not
how you bumped my leg
with your head
when you wanted my affection
you kept my undivided attention
you were what a women would be
I love you always and will miss you forever

red horses
swim across the green meadow
sinking like a mermaid's tail
and the yellow laugh
of your eyes
call from a chimney
smoking in early
novemeber

So in Novemeber rain
******* on wet cigarettes like babe at milkless breast
I am passed
by the jogger.
Tanned limbs wrapped in polyester
hair wet by salt and water
I entertain myself
with the thought
that we
are the two types of people
who come out on Monday mornings in weather like this;
scars turning purple in the cold
all numb fingers and gooseflesh
and their breath
as white as mine
against the dark of early the sunrise
is a great leveler
on days like today.

These are the mornings I do not go hungry
in fear of the growing space between my thighs -
the masters of illusion
can make themselves appear invisible
but I cannot conceal my disappearing act much longer.
I am sixteen smoker's cough they tell me
I have a heart murmur I take it
as irrefutable proof I have
a heart feeling
the early
seeds
of death settle
in my chest with every drag,
some things are inexcusable
and I am learning that I am not blameless.

A few too many nights walking under unlit streetlamps
do not make you a victim I am learning that I
am not the victim Atlas shrugging off responsibility
a person
can only carry so much guilt
before they bend and
bad backs run in my family
so
I may be a coward -

but I will never say I was not warned.

I'm sorry we can't be friends
you pushed me to the end.
when a good friend, when you give love its called a lend,
but with you its always a send.
and without my love returned, how is my heart supposed to mend?
there comes a time when you realize, for a friend, backwards is a direction you shouldn't have to bend.
you can play it off that i walked away,
but a good friend would have listened to what i have to say.
so yes, today is the day that i will undoubtedly walk away,
because my heart cant take anymore,
so our friendship has become tore
my only option is to walk out that door.
i dont want to, but our friendship shouldnt be a chore.
i have to say goodbye.
trust me hunny, you wont die
but our friendship is dead,
because your drama sunk it to the bottom of the river like lead.
if you recall, this is what ive always said,
so now you've made your bed
now through the water, all alone you must tread.
this is what you chose,
its what all the facts show.
you had to have expected this blow,
your just lucky i wont hit low.

By: Kaity Morris
Novemeber 20, 2012

Its been a grey November,
the summers over now.
I just can't remember ;
memories turned
to frost,
with what now
is lost.

I just can't remember how in this cold,
I've numbed everything.
I don't recall what warmth of sun
shall bring.
Is that feeling lost
forever?
Is that lost all
together?

Shadows fade in and out
from the glistening sun.
Memories ....like a loaded
gun.
They shoot in darkness...
in the mountains;
pictures taken with cascading
waterfalls and  fountains.

In grey November, by lakes and rivers....
my have things grown cold.
Frosty sunsets and pale skies...
and icy truths be told.

In the cold grey November.
Don't want to remember...
Grey November!
I open windows to feel
the air.
I really don't
care.
I like the freeze of arctic....
chill on my skin and chill
to bone.
Memories for now, half turned
to stone.
In the grey November....
until I remember...
back to September...
when I know that I am loved:
Through December, and past winter
and forever part of me.
I know I will be eternally loved.

Through the grey November...I'm
where I want to be.
I am free.
Through the icy storms...
I won't succumb.
I have always and will forever...
overcome.

Even through the chill of winter, I am set free
through grey November....I did not bow.
Through grey November... I am me...
I remember now.

@ Sherri G Harder

By Billy Leavitt

Novemeber 14 2013


Lying there staring into each others eyes not saying a word, our eyes speak our most true feelings of one another, gazing deeper and deeper into our love filled eyes seeing the sparkles glimmering in each look, knowing needing wanting to speak what we truly deeply feel for loves desire to be wild passionate affectionate.

Lying gazing into our eyes we draw closer closer ever more passionate into each look, loves emotions feelings begin to emerge with great warmth from every sensations running through our love stricken bodies.

From every kiss to every heart beat pounding with great sensational passion wanting to say out loud our upmost feelings pleasures to one another, every look in each others eyes says do not stop with our hearts racing beating ever so pleasuring.

Lying there with our love stricken eyes the calling of the wild speaks, in arms reach we move closer feeling our hearts become one, filling all our passion affection we have found our true bond as Love.