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"heidi" poems
Small and insignificant... Inferior. Insecure and shameful... Clumsy. Weak and sad... Molested. Unremarkable and transparent... Mundane. Unlovable and ugly... Hated. Remedial and simple... Stupid. Angry and jealous... Loathsome. Lovesick and lonely... Desperate. Sick and Tired... Old. Unstable and self-destructive... Insane. Vulnerable and trusting... Suicidal. Hopes and dreams... Deteriorating. Smiling and Laughter... Remedy. Heidi Shavill 2008
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Jan 21, 2013
Jan 21, 2013 at 3:59 AM UTC
Pathetic
I dedicate these words to you,      my saving grace you've pulled me through...           Hopefully, I finally can repay,                all the amazing gifts that you have brought my way... Smile for me,      I know each one...           Moved to tears, I am, watching you with your son,                Gram know's what I see inside,                     among the love you fight to hide... I love your lips,      my **** man...           MacGuyver, I'm your biggest fan,                You try to keep me at arms length...                     I admire all your inner strength. I've learned from you the truth of things,      then you've helped me through the pain truth brings...           My darkest days, you shine your light,                     Remember when we laughed all night? You are a funny mother ******      your my lollipop, and I'm your sucker...           Because of you, I'm not alone,                when I'm with you, no matter where, I'm home... I'm grateful for the time you spend,      with me...           You are truly my best friend.                Heidi Shavill                     2009
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Feb 5, 2013
Feb 5, 2013 at 5:08 AM UTC
To My Best Friend
**Fight to make your presence known Fight to make something your own Fight to stand up to the wrong Fight to sing one more song Fight to end up at the top Fight to make bad **** stop Fight because it’s what you’re told Fight, be fierce, strong and bold Fight for rights you think we need Fight to stay awake and read Fight to always give your all Fight back every time you fall Fight from looking in too deep Fight depressions need for sleep Fight for children in foster homes Fight the fear you’ll die alone Fight as if today’s your last Fight to persevere your past Fight to see your grandkids birth Fight to the death for mother Earth Fight back tears and wear a smile Fight the urgency and stay awhile Fight for fun or relieving stress Fight for whatever you think is best Fight because they struck you first Fighting your best friends the worst Fight to improve yourself bit by bit Fight belifs that you'll fail at it Fight for you and all you are Fight the darkness; brilliant star Fight thoughts that you’re not enough Fight their hatred with undying love Heidi Shavill 2013 **
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Aug 17, 2013
Aug 17, 2013 at 3:12 AM UTC
**FIGHT!**
I stood over the sink Scrubbing our negroni glasses Wishing the ginger-scented soap Would wash away the cancer Because the chemo didn’t work I was wearing eyeliner When I first met you We’d laugh about that later Over a bottle of wine And patatas bravas We always had our weekends Movie dates and inside jokes We would guffaw at the Fuckery of it all My god your laugh How it filled a room I remember when you said “I love you, Christopher… because you just GET ME” You expressed appreciation For how I carved out time For our friendship I reminded you, “I don’t carve out time for you, I shove everything away while screaming ‘I NEED MY HEIDI TIME!’” ********* I need my Heidi time For years you were The most consistent thing in my life Always there for one another We were each other’s touchstones I realize this now more than ever During my weekends spent alone Wine tastes different now Something’s missing Going to the movies feels strange It’s like the hero has Left the frame Remember when I smoked cigarettes? You’d *** a drag as we crept Through early evening traffic On our way to get gelato Or if we were feeling sassy Maybe an affogato I switched to vaping When you went into hospice Then back to menthols When your spirit left this world I’m addicted to our memories More than the nicotine They bang around my head Like a song or a scent Nostalgic And Lingering You tattooed “CEDENDO VINCES” On your wrists “By yielding, you will win” My finger traced those words While I held your hand Last breaths But what are deaths? Transitions Energy Shifting A spark Returning / / / Those letters live On my wrists now A reminder of her The sister I never had And sometimes I still hear her laugh
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Sep 25, 2022
Sep 25, 2022 at 3:47 PM UTC
cedendo vinces
I stood over the sink Scrubbing our negroni glasses Wishing the ginger-scented soap Would wash away the cancer Because the chemo didn’t work I was wearing eyeliner When I first met you We’d laugh about that later Over a bottle of wine And patatas bravas We always had our weekends Movie dates and inside jokes We would guffaw at the Fuckery of it all My god your laugh How it filled a room I remember when you said “I love you, Christopher… because you just GET ME” You expressed appreciation For how I carved out time For our friendship I reminded you, “I don’t carve out time for you, I shove everything away while screaming ‘I NEED MY HEIDI TIME!’” ********* I need my Heidi time For years you were The most consistent thing in my life Always there for one another We were each other’s touchstones I realize this now more than ever During my weekends spent alone Wine tastes different now Something’s missing Going to the movies feels strange It’s like the hero has Left the frame Remember when I smoked cigarettes? You’d *** a drag as we crept Through early evening traffic On our way to get gelato Or if we were feeling sassy Maybe an affogato I switched to vaping When you went into hospice Then back to menthols When your spirit left this world I’m addicted to our memories More than the nicotine They bang around my head Like a song or a scent Nostalgic And Lingering You tattooed “CEDENDO VINCES” On your wrists “By yielding, you will win” My finger traced those words While I held your hand Last breaths But what are deaths? Transitions Energy Shifting A spark Returning / / / Those letters live On my wrists now A reminder of her The sister I never had And sometimes I still hear her laugh
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A touch of velvet, like angel Feathers brushing against my Face, I feel your fingers caress my Features like an artist, you know the Contours of my face. I love you my Darling, your love I embrace. Fists like barbed wire across my Cheek, grazing my skin as a Droplet like a tear falls from My face. You scratch at me like razors On flesh, across my skin and face, Your voice of rage distorts the Beauty in your face, no love can Be heard behind this rage. I cant take this cold to hot And in-between, I never Know which person I'm speaking to when I look at your face. I love you, but I must leave, I Cant take this Jade and heidi Personallity, I dont know who Is going to speak, know that I love you, but now I must leave This love. And you must face your Demons before it is to late.
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Apr 3, 2014
Apr 3, 2014 at 8:30 AM UTC
Jade & heidi ( Jekyll and Hyde)
Addiction, you have sent me reeling headlong over feet I sneak around and lie for you, it’s important that I’m discreet So nothing comes between us, cause I need you around You pick me up we dance, twirl, spin,   right before you knock me down Addiction are you angry? I feel strongly that you are I scream at you “DON’T LEAVE ME” I wear your tell-tale scars I mainline this cyanide through my eager veins Twisted sick compulsion needles stabbing kills my pain. Devouring any hopeful dreams that I could one day be Someone to be cherished, loved and truly happy When I was ten he pushed you in, hoping I wouldn't tell Now we are inseparable, depravity is where we dwell Trust me I don’t want to feel this **** so I stay high Until the day comes to pass when I don’t want to die. Heidi Shavill 2013
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Oct 24, 2013
Oct 24, 2013 at 7:34 AM UTC
**Twisted, Sick**
Heidi I fell in love with you at the age of 15, and I remember how I rode my bicycle The 4 miles across town almost every day that summer, two and a half years ago How much effort I put in to make the 40 minute ride over, just to come visit you Heidi I remember your friends and they were nice at first, until your best friend Jaina Thought the word ***** was a part of everyday language and I realized She wasn't even good for much except putting people down and going outside to smoke Heidi I remember the stories you told me about them and how you said you felt obligated To take care of them, and that they meant a lot to you, how you loved them For their silly jokes and shenanigans and just the fact that they were ******* badass" Heidi I remember when Jaina, Miles, and David were over one night I came for dinner They just walked in unprompted, and ruined the time we had alone I remember how you all laughed at me when David made a sick joke about my racial makeup Heidi I got up from the table and went to the bathroom to cry that night Not because I had to go to the bathroom but because you replied to his joke by laughing along And you even made another joke saying "But he's our token asian" Heidi I remember sitting next to you on your bed when we would watch movies all evening But I also remember your attitude and the things you called me the whole time "Asian buddy" Heidi I started noticing things about you I hadn't seen before because my love was blind Like how badly you treated people, just like your friends did Like how self-absorbed you were and how quickly you and your friends ego's fell apart When you realized going to the corrupt Art Institutes for art degrees to make art was probably a bad idea Heidi You were having a hard time finding yourself and what you wanted to do with your life Because you'd spent all your time in high school thinking you were on top of everyone I led you on for almost 8 months before I decided enough was enough Heidi I should have left you early on because during those 8 months I tried to change you Talk to my friends, I talked to them nonstop about you and what I should do with you I remember how I only stayed because it wouldn't be fair to you for all the work we put in Heidi I'm sorry I hurt you but you hurt me too and as time went by I realized You weren't even close to someone I wanted to spend any time with You were nothing I could love, a proven *****
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Dec 20, 2013
Dec 20, 2013 at 1:11 AM UTC
Heidi
Heidi I fell in love with you at the age of 15, and I remember how I rode my bicycle The 4 miles across town almost every day that summer, two and a half years ago How much effort I put in to make the 40 minute ride over, just to come visit you Heidi I remember your friends and they were nice at first, until your best friend Jaina Thought the word ***** was a part of everyday language and I realized She wasn't even good for much except putting people down and going outside to smoke Heidi I remember the stories you told me about them and how you said you felt obligated To take care of them, and that they meant a lot to you, how you loved them For their silly jokes and shenanigans and just the fact that they were ******* badass" Heidi I remember when Jaina, Miles, and David were over one night I came for dinner They just walked in unprompted, and ruined the time we had alone I remember how you all laughed at me when David made a sick joke about my racial makeup Heidi I got up from the table and went to the bathroom to cry that night Not because I had to go to the bathroom but because you replied to his joke by laughing along And you even made another joke saying "But he's our token asian" Heidi I remember sitting next to you on your bed when we would watch movies all evening But I also remember your attitude and the things you called me the whole time "Asian buddy" Heidi I started noticing things about you I hadn't seen before because my love was blind Like how badly you treated people, just like your friends did Like how self-absorbed you were and how quickly you and your friends ego's fell apart When you realized going to the corrupt Art Institutes for art degrees to make art was probably a bad idea Heidi You were having a hard time finding yourself and what you wanted to do with your life Because you'd spent all your time in high school thinking you were on top of everyone I led you on for almost 8 months before I decided enough was enough Heidi I should have left you early on because during those 8 months I tried to change you Talk to my friends, I talked to them nonstop about you and what I should do with you I remember how I only stayed because it wouldn't be fair to you for all the work we put in Heidi I'm sorry I hurt you but you hurt me too and as time went by I realized You weren't even close to someone I wanted to spend any time with You were nothing I could love, a proven *****
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If one heart breaks too many times, the outcome is severe, This is my first-hand account,  and why I’m standing here. I was not protected, believed, comforted or heard To expect I’d rally differently, or better is absurd. Who the hell do you think you are? Creating demons, and inflicting scars Never showing me affection, and rarely being kind Really does a number on a child’s simple mind. I slid a razor over my skin, the first time when I was six The cuts have healed just fine, mental anguish ******* sticks The problem is, the six year old, you tortured has grown up Turns out I can be loved Frances, so I filled my own cup You mean nothing to me Frances. Ivan, **** you too! I hope you know, in many ways, I've killed the both of you.   Sam I ******* hate your stupid *** for what you did. Do you feel remorseful now, or are you still ******* kids? My wish for you… suffering, much more before your dead If I were you, I’d **** myself,  just like the voices said. Eric you aren't worth a single word from me or a wisp of air, You could die today in fact and nobody would care. Ivan you’re the disappointment, you aren't even a man. Get in my face you ******* coward and I’ll drop you where you stand. Judge not, lest he be judged himself; old man I wouldn't dare You should have ******* stopped him Ivan, after all,  you were right there Instead you did what you do best and hid under a hood You probably think we'll meet in hell, but me and God are good Keep yourselves away from me,  I am better than y’all My heads held high, were toe to toe, I’m big now and you’re small. Those of you reading this might think I’m being mean Trust me though when I say this you ain't seen anything Heidi Shavill 2013
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May 28, 2013
May 28, 2013 at 1:02 AM UTC
**Toe to Toe**
If one heart breaks too many times, the outcome is severe, This is my first-hand account,  and why I’m standing here. I was not protected, believed, comforted or heard To expect I’d rally differently, or better is absurd. Who the hell do you think you are? Creating demons, and inflicting scars Never showing me affection, and rarely being kind Really does a number on a child’s simple mind. I slid a razor over my skin, the first time when I was six The cuts have healed just fine, mental anguish ******* sticks The problem is, the six year old, you tortured has grown up Turns out I can be loved Frances, so I filled my own cup You mean nothing to me Frances. Ivan, **** you too! I hope you know, in many ways, I've killed the both of you.   Sam I ******* hate your stupid *** for what you did. Do you feel remorseful now, or are you still ******* kids? My wish for you… suffering, much more before your dead If I were you, I’d **** myself,  just like the voices said. Eric you aren't worth a single word from me or a wisp of air, You could die today in fact and nobody would care. Ivan you’re the disappointment, you aren't even a man. Get in my face you ******* coward and I’ll drop you where you stand. Judge not, lest he be judged himself; old man I wouldn't dare You should have ******* stopped him Ivan, after all,  you were right there Instead you did what you do best and hid under a hood You probably think we'll meet in hell, but me and God are good Keep yourselves away from me,  I am better than y’all My heads held high, were toe to toe, I’m big now and you’re small. Those of you reading this might think I’m being mean Trust me though when I say this you ain't seen anything Heidi Shavill 2013
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Little boy Red fires trucks Tree forts Grasshoppers Model rockets Rock n roll The sea Growing body Out of place Sitting alone Watching Lonely Hide No one understands Girl crush Cars Writing 21 Alcohol Drugs Relief Job Alcohol Must smile Alcohol Work Forget Gay girls Weekends with Heidi I fit in Guys made jokes Hate them Hate them Alcohol Alcohol Marriage Love Happier Travel Escape Love 30 years Hiding Feel it Covered Concealed Leaking out Femininity Fashion Passion Beauty Desire Need I'm Trans Release Lightened Free Happy Me ©Lj Mark 2015
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Jun 26, 2015
Jun 26, 2015 at 12:41 AM UTC
The real me
The Songbird Are you broken-hearted? Mend it with a song. Sing one retaliating against how you’ve been done wrong, Songbird your voice draws goose bumps, and tears. Sing out loud using only your deepest wounds, and fears. Sing by heart, be confident and proud Sing in the shower, to yourself, or bravely to a crowd. Lullaby yourself to sleep, With soothing songs much peace you’ll reap. Strong and beautiful, this voice in me Soulful anguish will set you free When expelled from your spirit lyrically. Sing a song of sorrow for the little one inside, For she remains twisted from insanity, still cutting, deprived. Sing one jubilantly, of sunflowers and frogs Then laugh so hard it hurts your sides until giggles become sobs. Don’t be afraid to sing one hymn along with me, About how life endured, strengthens our melody. Whether acappella, country or the blues, Let your raw emotion be the one to choose Notice how we pick the songs that strum our broken hearts It's only through revealing pain, that the healing starts. Heidi Shavill 2013
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May 26, 2013
May 26, 2013 at 1:15 AM UTC
The Songbird
Do you blame me for the rut we’re in? God knows I had a wiser plan, It was all blue skies and sunshine, When loving you began. If all my wishes would come true, I’d bundle every bit of wealth and give it all to you. Intentions alone aren’t acceptable though, So I need to show you reasons why You don’t want to go. Leaving doesn’t work, sorry, I need you right here loving me. This wounded hearts on lockdown and You possess the only key. Somehow, someway you’ll see me shine, Then perhaps we’ll gain some peace of mind. Regardless, of what ultimately you choose I pray that you’re gentle, If I should lose. Heidi Shavill  2010
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Feb 5, 2013
Feb 5, 2013 at 4:37 AM UTC
GOD KNOWS
I hope that you're unhappy I wish that you were dead... Hopefully psychotic delusions Dance inside your head... I hope you contract ****** I want you to bleed... I hope you never find what you think  you need I hope you fall madly in love, no really I do 'Cause I hope he is abusive, and he cheats on you... You deserve nothing, I pray that you go blind I hope you keep suffering until you lose your mind... I hope every choice you make turns out a big mistake I hope each promise made to you the promise maker breaks... I hope you know my hatred is true Thank God they took my son from you... I hope you feel guilty you should be ashamed Thankfully it's my family that shares his last name... I hope you feel worthless, hopefully no one cares I hope when you long comfort that no one ever dares... Hopefully you understand what a ***** paybacks can be I hope you are scared to death and you never live fear free I hope you detest the life that you alone have built while we're loved abundantly and are happy to the hilt... I hope you know he's finally free all safe and sound, right here with me... I hope through time he will recover Everybody knows you have failed as a friend, woman, and mother... Heidi Shavill 2011
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Jan 23, 2013
Jan 23, 2013 at 3:20 AM UTC
Hopefully
Heidi Williams If I edit language, call me poet, a word-smith if I pro it. But if I edit music, there's no such name, no tags of respect just beats to collect, sometimes trash that collects. I'm a trash collector, musical dumpster diver, producers dump their trash I turn their trash to treasure. Treasure hunter, trash tuner. There's beauty everywhere to the eyes of see-ers, the the ears of hearers. Seagulls see trash and turn obsessive, possessive. And we feed the other birds, but shoo them away, but once winter comes, we hear seagull sounds, and we feel the beech. We listen for summer in seagulls. We listen for oceans in seashells, but I can hear waves in my headphones, and I can change the tide when the trash comes.
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Nov 12, 2014
Nov 12, 2014 at 4:38 AM UTC
Seagull Sounding
Please don't let me go this time, I need a hand to hold, Away, away you push,and push, You win this hand, I fold, My weakness shows, you feed off it, I'm such an easy prey, To you, I'd sacrifice my soul if only you would stay. Heidi Shavill 2008
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Jan 23, 2013
Jan 23, 2013 at 12:58 AM UTC
Abandonment Issue
Letting Go Let go of this delusion, burst the bubble where I dwell. Then let reality set in to dissolve my wispy veil, Let go of mindless babble; silently listen for awhile Let go of false pretenses and slowly learn to smile. Let go the jagged remnants, of my shattered heart. Let go white knuckles clutching, so grief restrained may start. Let go pathetic excuses and attempts to justify, Addiction, plain and simply explains why we get high. Let go the lies I tell myself, be brave enough to see, Devastation happened in my past, now, release me agony. Let go one single blood-curdling scream, make it worthy you get just one. Let go of superficial friends, do unto them as they’ve done. Let go of wishing that beauty would change me just for you I’m proud of who I am inside, no one but I can fill my shoes. Let go all of the games we play to avoid having to feel Let go of who you think he wants, and be the one that’s real. Heidi Shavill 2013
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May 19, 2013
May 19, 2013 at 5:21 AM UTC
**LETTING GO**
My wilted heart beats, and quivers inside this cavernous hole Crying weakens me and salty tears drench my soul I believed in this, I guess the jokes on me... the love of my life you are honestly. I cannot look passed our time together,   I could have loved your *** forever! hopefully my impression on you will linger it feels wrong without you here  like a song without a singer remember please time and again this brave broken heart that let you in... Heidi Shavill 2013
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Feb 14, 2013
Feb 14, 2013 at 11:39 PM UTC
BLUE
Life's too short to live in fear of someone that you love, Don't waste a second changing yourself its them that's not enough, Don't let people in that lie, honestly, I stress. Truthfully, dishonesty will leave your soul depressed. Should anyone raise a hand to you, you better raise one back, Never show your weaknesses, or qualities you lack... we've all been through horrific **** some of us worse than others.   it's made me who I am today I'm stronger than my mother Finally remember, never to forget where you have been, because karma ***** and sure as **** you will end up there again. Heidi Shavill 2013
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Feb 9, 2013
Feb 9, 2013 at 12:53 AM UTC
Words of Wisdom
"Heidi why do you have those lines on your arm?" it's because im a broken person trying to heal from all the pain And the way I say this I am no where near close trying to romanticize my self harm or self hate "so you mean people made you have these cracks in your skin" remember the phrase "words hurt" well the horrible sickning words that were addressed to me were killing me "Heidi please don't ever say you hate yourself again because I love you." oh darling you're beautiful 7 year old mind makes me feel like I'd never have pain again but what am I feeling as im trying to explain why I hated myself so much to have "cracks" in my skin -H.M.
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Feb 16, 2015
Feb 16, 2015 at 10:05 PM UTC
trying to explain my reasoning for self harm scars to a 7 year old
*Cossack Cowboys Riding Llamas That they dress In pink pajamas Teeny boppers Blowing bubbles Biker chicks Causing trouble Nuns in Habits Punks in chains One or two Of the deranged Rubbing Buddha belly Cravers And the band Harvey Danger David Bowie Elton John Both of them With Spacesuits on Vegetarians Eating chicken Love it fried Finger licking In a line to Meet and greet Obama Now I wish I'd brought my Mama On the T.V. Slicing, Dicing Infomercials Are enlightening Lindsey Lohan There's more trouble Send the Police On the double Michael Jackson With his monkey Chandelier Swinging junkies Bottle Rocket Ridding crickets Dolly Parton Doing dishes Tubs of Crisco Set for wrestling Bee Gees do be Disco dancing With Bruce Jenner Wearing makeup Dolly's kitchen Filled with soap suds Rubber band Bumper babies Call me odd Don't call me crazy Shooting stars Carry Uzis Washed up stars Drink beer in Koozies Donnie Osmond Singing show tunes As Marie blows Animal balloons Circus Barkers And their Minions Waylon left us Shooter Jennings Heidi Klum Without makeup To say the least She looks a bit rough American flags As rainbow banners Peal, scratch, and sniff Talking bananas Hookha smoking Manatees Oh yea... and then there's me These are just a few of the things that lean On the lamp post of my dreams*
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Feb 2, 2015
Feb 2, 2015 at 1:50 PM UTC
Leaning On The Lamp Post Of My Dreams
About three years ago I visited the Cavern pub on Matthew Street. My friend Ian Prowse runs the open Mic night. They have two rules. No cover versions and three songs maximum. I hadn't been for a while and was immediately set upon by Ian to sing a song he likes that I wrote. So when the time came. Up I got and sang. After I went to the bar, my nerves shot. I ordered a drink and a lady approached me and said how much she enjoyed it. We chatted and she asked was I there every week. I said sadly no I have other commitments. She then said she would be back next week as working in Liverpool again would I like to meet up for a drink? . I agreed to meet at 7, Matthew Street. I had just met Heidi. The next Monday I finished work. Jumped the train to James Street and there she was. I asked had she eaten yet and she hadn't. So we went to a little Thai place on South John Street. We sat down ordered a bottle of white wine and made our selections. By the time we had finished the starters there was about 1cm of wine left in the bottle and she was very chatty and loud. Much to the delight of the couple on the table next too us who seemed to hang on her every word. The main course came and went as did the second bottle. I still hadn't got halfway into my second glass. Now truly smashed she says "I suppose you will want a BJ after this?" The lady on the table next too us almost choked, her husband let out a laugh and I said, I know not why, "That sounds nice, but I was looking forward to the Apple pie with ice cream to be fair." That was it for the couple next to us. His wife almost had an embolism and he laughed his head off. Heidi got up threw her napkin on the table, downed her glass of wine in one, announced to the fellow dinners "He's not getting laid tonight" Turned, almost demolished the table leaving, and stormed out. The couple next to me now in tears, the waitress comes to the table and asks "Err is the lady coming back?" I reply No I don't think so. She then asks would I like dessert? Before I can say a word the chap on the table next to us says "I hope you have apple pie and Ice cream for the poor guy" The waitress said "No" and that finished it. Three tables of people laughing relentlessly. I sat and had melon ***** and they chatted like we had known each other for years. What of Heidi? She was never to be seen again.
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Aug 4, 2019
Aug 4, 2019 at 9:00 PM UTC
Apple pie?
About three years ago I visited the Cavern pub on Matthew Street. My friend Ian Prowse runs the open Mic night. They have two rules. No cover versions and three songs maximum. I hadn't been for a while and was immediately set upon by Ian to sing a song he likes that I wrote. So when the time came. Up I got and sang. After I went to the bar, my nerves shot. I ordered a drink and a lady approached me and said how much she enjoyed it. We chatted and she asked was I there every week. I said sadly no I have other commitments. She then said she would be back next week as working in Liverpool again would I like to meet up for a drink? . I agreed to meet at 7, Matthew Street. I had just met Heidi. The next Monday I finished work. Jumped the train to James Street and there she was. I asked had she eaten yet and she hadn't. So we went to a little Thai place on South John Street. We sat down ordered a bottle of white wine and made our selections. By the time we had finished the starters there was about 1cm of wine left in the bottle and she was very chatty and loud. Much to the delight of the couple on the table next too us who seemed to hang on her every word. The main course came and went as did the second bottle. I still hadn't got halfway into my second glass. Now truly smashed she says "I suppose you will want a BJ after this?" The lady on the table next too us almost choked, her husband let out a laugh and I said, I know not why, "That sounds nice, but I was looking forward to the Apple pie with ice cream to be fair." That was it for the couple next to us. His wife almost had an embolism and he laughed his head off. Heidi got up threw her napkin on the table, downed her glass of wine in one, announced to the fellow dinners "He's not getting laid tonight" Turned, almost demolished the table leaving, and stormed out. The couple next to me now in tears, the waitress comes to the table and asks "Err is the lady coming back?" I reply No I don't think so. She then asks would I like dessert? Before I can say a word the chap on the table next to us says "I hope you have apple pie and Ice cream for the poor guy" The waitress said "No" and that finished it. Three tables of people laughing relentlessly. I sat and had melon ***** and they chatted like we had known each other for years. What of Heidi? She was never to be seen again.
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11
Sunshine warms my aging face I pray God keeps my loved ones safe. For it takes a toll upon my heart, pondering that in time, death will do us part. Dearly missed are those who have passed on, I cannot believe it's been 9 years since my son's been gone. I've often wondered through the grief how it never stayed my feet. Why don't I join, what I can't beat? Am I truly moving forward? What then, am I aiming toward? I thought I'd die the day he did, Instead his absence increased my will to live. What if the bible thumpers are right? And the truth is if you take your life the darkness douses the proverbial "light"? Leaving the soul ill-fated, eternally alone, Stuck somewhere between Hell's fire, and home. On this note I've decided not to take that risk, It won't be long, for life is brisk. If Heaven truly exists I'll see, my angel son has saved a place for me. Heidi Shavill 2013
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May 4, 2013
May 4, 2013 at 5:47 AM UTC
DEARLY MISSED
CHOMO Anger building up in me Pounds my skull quite violently I can’t sit still so I just pace Until again he invades my space. Afraid to tell, I rage and scream, Upon deaf ears falls my suffering The pain inside I've rarely shown Cripples me if I’m alone. Too easily they let it slide, What he did for years they tried To hide the truth and blame the one   Ripped apart by their ******* son. Heidi Shavill 2013
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Feb 5, 2013
Feb 5, 2013 at 6:16 AM UTC
Chomo
I know you haven't heard from me in years . I thought I'd write just to let you know that Tommy Faulkner died , you know passed away . I didn't even know it until it was all over . Don't even know what he died from . Heidi told me . Oh , you don't know Heidi , my fist and third wife . She and Tommy were good friends . Last I heard about you , you were moving to North Carolina , your home by birth . But your home was always with us here on the Southside of Birmingham . Sigh ! I hoped you made a big splash back home when you arrived . Such a polar extreme . I kept your poems for years until Heidi threw out my box of poetry ,with yours included . Also Steven Sedbury's . You remember him ? Last I heard about you , you had a brain tumor and you passed away . Now I stand alone with my ghosts and I have no address to send my posts . Love Thomas
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Apr 16, 2015
Apr 16, 2015 at 10:13 PM UTC
Dear Keith Marshall
Why Angels fall Awakened by an eerie dream Of weary angels with tattered wings Their song was woeful and it broke my heart I asked them if they knew the part where I alone lived through hell The angel closest to me sighed, and then began to yell “Dear child don’t be selfish! life’s not always about you.” “You think we left you all alone; yet this simply is not true.” Another spoke much quieter, she said, “I beg your pardon,” “You’ve had the best protecting you, Hand plucked, from heavens garden.” My response was if that is true then please explain, how each of them were able The youngest one emerged just then from underneath my table, He was a child of maybe ten I wondered how he died, With tears falling from his eyes he whispered “we have tried,” Timidly he approached me, a tarnished halo on his head Then nearly imperceptibly, the youngest angel said, “We were beaten quite extensively, and for a long, long time” “Our wings you see are tattered now; and we need our wings to fly, It’s hard to sit and listen to all that they’d endured I realized right then how badly my vision was obscured. An older angel shuffled towards me, with no wings at all I can’t express how bad it feels to have made these angels fall. while looking deep into my soul, he struggled to convey “The demons were a burden, sure though they’re all gone today.” “ Sadly, the only one unconquered, your worst nemesis, is you,” We’ve come bearing hope, perhaps that you‘d know what to do To slay the beast you’re on your own; I heard them loud and clear “I’m sorry,” I said loudly, to be sure they each could hear The beast in there’s enormous and nastier than me I promised them I’d do my best, though surely they could see That I was no contender; his wrath he will reign down Then gracefully a girl approached me wearing a flowing gown Into my ear she whispered, a message that was sent from above “All you need is in your heart the most powerful weapons love.” Heidi Shavill 2013
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Oct 24, 2013
Oct 24, 2013 at 7:52 AM UTC
Why Angels Fall
Why Angels fall Awakened by an eerie dream Of weary angels with tattered wings Their song was woeful and it broke my heart I asked them if they knew the part where I alone lived through hell The angel closest to me sighed, and then began to yell “Dear child don’t be selfish! life’s not always about you.” “You think we left you all alone; yet this simply is not true.” Another spoke much quieter, she said, “I beg your pardon,” “You’ve had the best protecting you, Hand plucked, from heavens garden.” My response was if that is true then please explain, how each of them were able The youngest one emerged just then from underneath my table, He was a child of maybe ten I wondered how he died, With tears falling from his eyes he whispered “we have tried,” Timidly he approached me, a tarnished halo on his head Then nearly imperceptibly, the youngest angel said, “We were beaten quite extensively, and for a long, long time” “Our wings you see are tattered now; and we need our wings to fly, It’s hard to sit and listen to all that they’d endured I realized right then how badly my vision was obscured. An older angel shuffled towards me, with no wings at all I can’t express how bad it feels to have made these angels fall. while looking deep into my soul, he struggled to convey “The demons were a burden, sure though they’re all gone today.” “ Sadly, the only one unconquered, your worst nemesis, is you,” We’ve come bearing hope, perhaps that you‘d know what to do To slay the beast you’re on your own; I heard them loud and clear “I’m sorry,” I said loudly, to be sure they each could hear The beast in there’s enormous and nastier than me I promised them I’d do my best, though surely they could see That I was no contender; his wrath he will reign down Then gracefully a girl approached me wearing a flowing gown Into my ear she whispered, a message that was sent from above “All you need is in your heart the most powerful weapons love.” Heidi Shavill 2013
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The spirit of Christmas was here again As they rocked on up to my door, The aunts and uncles and cousins, all I’d not even seen before, They’d smelt the turkey, they’d seen the tree With its lights, red yellow and green, They’d even come with their knives and forks In case that my own weren’t clean. They came in a rush at twelve o’clock, ‘Now we’re not too late, we trust? We got caught up at Aunt Mary’s, then We missed the eleven-ten bus, She says she’ll not be cooking this year So we didn’t have time to lose, She’ll hurry along with a minute to spare As soon as she puts on her shoes.’ I said, ‘Oh good!’ as they filed on in To wash their hands in the sink, Then counted heads and I gulped and saw The turkey begin to shrink, A single bird for eleven heads Or twelve if you counted me, I might just get a wing and a prayer When feeding this family. They found the chest with the beer in ice But there wasn’t enough for all, So they corked and drank the fine Rosé That I’d had displayed on the wall, They ground the peanuts into the rug And they spilled Chablis on the couch, Then kept on stumbling over my feet And all I could say was ‘Ouch!’ They sat around with an hour to wait While the turkey started to brown, And talked of family members that They thought were coming on down, But then the topic they all enjoyed Was raising its ugly head, ‘You’d never believe,’ said Cousin Steve But Auntie Caroline’s dead!’ ‘I heard she fell from the Pepper Tree With the pruning shears in her grasp, Into a deadly swarm of bees!’ You could hear the others gasp. ‘And George, remember George, he was Your Uncle’s cousin’s son, He fell right under a train; they said He had a blindfold on.’ Then Gustave from the German branch And Heidi from the Swiss, Had both expired in some dread fire, I’d not heard any of this! ‘Delaney died in Ottawa When he fell dead off his horse, And Orson choked on a bottle of coke That was really chilli sauce!’ I cleared my throat before I spoke ‘I would hate to interrupt, But listening to your Death Watch List Has made my mind right up. I don’t know a single one of you, You've not been here before, But you’ll find who you are related to If you’d like to try next door.’ David Lewis Paget
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Dec 24, 2013
Dec 24, 2013 at 12:40 AM UTC
The Death Watch List
The spirit of Christmas was here again As they rocked on up to my door, The aunts and uncles and cousins, all I’d not even seen before, They’d smelt the turkey, they’d seen the tree With its lights, red yellow and green, They’d even come with their knives and forks In case that my own weren’t clean. They came in a rush at twelve o’clock, ‘Now we’re not too late, we trust? We got caught up at Aunt Mary’s, then We missed the eleven-ten bus, She says she’ll not be cooking this year So we didn’t have time to lose, She’ll hurry along with a minute to spare As soon as she puts on her shoes.’ I said, ‘Oh good!’ as they filed on in To wash their hands in the sink, Then counted heads and I gulped and saw The turkey begin to shrink, A single bird for eleven heads Or twelve if you counted me, I might just get a wing and a prayer When feeding this family. They found the chest with the beer in ice But there wasn’t enough for all, So they corked and drank the fine Rosé That I’d had displayed on the wall, They ground the peanuts into the rug And they spilled Chablis on the couch, Then kept on stumbling over my feet And all I could say was ‘Ouch!’ They sat around with an hour to wait While the turkey started to brown, And talked of family members that They thought were coming on down, But then the topic they all enjoyed Was raising its ugly head, ‘You’d never believe,’ said Cousin Steve But Auntie Caroline’s dead!’ ‘I heard she fell from the Pepper Tree With the pruning shears in her grasp, Into a deadly swarm of bees!’ You could hear the others gasp. ‘And George, remember George, he was Your Uncle’s cousin’s son, He fell right under a train; they said He had a blindfold on.’ Then Gustave from the German branch And Heidi from the Swiss, Had both expired in some dread fire, I’d not heard any of this! ‘Delaney died in Ottawa When he fell dead off his horse, And Orson choked on a bottle of coke That was really chilli sauce!’ I cleared my throat before I spoke ‘I would hate to interrupt, But listening to your Death Watch List Has made my mind right up. I don’t know a single one of you, You've not been here before, But you’ll find who you are related to If you’d like to try next door.’ David Lewis Paget
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