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Heidi Shavill Oct 2018
How strange are all these feelings
Making my heart race

I wonder if breathing you in will forever fill the space

Your smile thaws my icy spots

Your touch reaches my soul

Without you I am half of one.

When I am near you I feel whole.

Do you ever believe
I could be the one for you?

What if I proclaimed my love!
ever wonder what you'd do?

Would you kindly
shake your head
and hold me
while I cry?

Or would you
nod emphatically?
and promise
we could try?  

I don't know
what is in store
for you and I
quite yet
All I know is

I cherish all the time
with you I have spent
I hope you know
within your heart
a true friend
in me
you've found,

I will be
in your corner
picking u up should
u fall down.
So dont
be surprised
to find out
that i love you
madly friend
Embrace it
with the knowledge
that on me
you can depend.

Heidi Shavill
2017
Heres to butterflies
Heidi Shavill Oct 2018
I see all of you grieving
because I recently passed.
I hope each day you grieve for me,
it's the last.
just as you never left my side;
I'm always near you,
even though I've died.

I can't describe the way it feels,
only that, all my pain is gone,
and here every broken heart heals…

There is no more self loathing,
betrayal or lies.
It no longer hurts,
  once peace takes over,
insanity subsides…

I know I left you suddenly,
and I never reached out…
you see,
I knew you'd come running
But I wanted out.

  I simply could not continue
with this facade
inside it was dark
I felt twisted
and flawed.
those who were closest to me
can convey
I never wanted
to live my life in this way

I'm sorry I left you
with questions unasked…
I lived barely present;
deeply stuck, in the past.

You all were the reasons
I got up each day,
Your love filled me then
and it still does today.
Please
let the comfort
from our memories
be enough for now.
Try not to focus
on your anger
or obsess over how.

I live in your heart
so please don't be afraid
if you hear my voice whispering,
‘’Don't cry, I'm okay’’

I have lots of friends
and family
I've missed over here,
but remember
I still love you
and hold each one of you dear

I haven't left you
I promise
I'm always right here.

I am grateful
I had such amazing friends
it's crazy
because that is all
really matters
in the end…


Written by
Heidi Shavill
2018
Remember sadness comes and goes
Heidi Shavill Aug 2016
"Friend's" like you are a dime a dozen,
     And I have far too many...
Smiles don't light up your face, and depth?
    You don't have any...

Transparent is the color of your eyes,
your dismal soul is ****...
Beyond the nose on your face,
there is a world you disregard smugly...

I've tried to gain perspective,
    and see **** from your shoes...
Honestly, I can't fathom,
    relating to your views...

Believe me I don't trust you,
     I never will, in fact...
Because you've done me *****,
    And stabbed me in the back...

How can you keep track,
    Of all the lies you spew???
I suppose it's relatively easy,
When spewing lies is all you do...

I deeply regret sharing with you,
   My darkest, inner demons...
God I wish your mother,
   would have swallowed your dads *****...

Now that it's finally off my chest,
    There's one thing left to do...
Consider you my enemy,
    And embrace "friends"
who are true.

Heidi Shavill
2016
You know who you are
Heidi Shavill Aug 2016
The person looking back at me,
from my mirrors brutal gaze,
      Bears no clear resemblance
of my body or my face...
     I can't believe I look so old,
my hairs gray, and I'm fat...
     How come he's still here I ponder;
he never signed up for that...
     I look away disgusted,
with who I've grown to be,
     Now I have to be ashamed;
that **** persons' me...
   I'm sorry when he looks my way,
that this is what he sees...
     No wonder he keeps his options open,
in case he ever leaves...
      I couldnt even blame him,
if he was unfaithful,
     a real friend would let him go;
expecting him to stay seems hateful...
     with a second glance,
into my evil looking glass...
      I see the pain I have endured,
and how lifes kicked my ***
      I reflect on how hard I've fought to be
someone that makes me proud
      I spent so much time hating myself
I wore hate like a shroud...
       With a deep inhale, and one last look,
in my mirrors direction.
I bravely lift my head to see,
at last my horrible reflection...
       I looked into my eyes  this time
and Thats where I saw the spark
       The light inside them is beckoning
  it illuminates the dark
      Turns out Inside I am not ****.
theres beauty to be seen...
      Hopefully he sees past my flesh
and loves whats in between.

Heidi Shavill
2016
Insecurity at its best
Heidi Shavill Oct 2013
Why Angels fall
Awakened by an eerie dream
Of weary angels with tattered wings
Their song was woeful and it broke my heart
I asked them if they knew the part
where I alone lived through hell
The angel closest to me sighed,
and then began to yell
“Dear child don’t be selfish! life’s not always about you.”
“You think we left you all alone; yet this simply is not true.”
Another spoke much quieter, she said,
“I beg your pardon,”
“You’ve had the best protecting you,
Hand plucked, from heavens garden.”
My response was if that is true then please explain,
how each of them were able
The youngest one emerged just then
from underneath my table,
He was a child of maybe ten
I wondered how he died,
With tears falling from his eyes he whispered
“we have tried,”
Timidly he approached me,
a tarnished halo on his head
Then nearly imperceptibly, the youngest angel said,
“We were beaten quite extensively,
and for a long, long time”
“Our wings you see are tattered now;
and we need our wings to fly,
It’s hard to sit and listen to all that they’d endured
I realized right then how badly my vision was obscured.
An older angel shuffled towards me,
with no wings at all
I can’t express how bad it feels
to have made these angels fall.
while looking deep into my soul, he struggled to convey
“The demons were a burden, sure
though they’re all gone today.”
“ Sadly, the only one unconquered,
your worst nemesis, is you,”
We’ve come bearing hope, perhaps that you‘d know what to do
To slay the beast you’re on your own;
I heard them loud and clear
“I’m sorry,”
I said loudly, to be sure they each could hear
The beast in there’s enormous
and nastier than me
I promised them I’d do my best,
though surely they could see
That I was no contender;
his wrath he will reign down
Then gracefully a girl approached me
wearing a flowing gown
Into my ear she whispered,
a message that was sent from above
“All you need is in your heart
the most powerful weapons love.”
Heidi Shavill 2013
to the wailing girl that lives in my stomach
Heidi Shavill Oct 2013
Addiction,
you have sent me reeling
headlong over feet
I sneak around and lie for you,
it’s important that I’m discreet
So nothing comes between us,
cause I need you around
You pick me up we dance,
twirl,
spin,
  right before you knock me down
Addiction are you angry?
I feel strongly that you are
I scream at you
“DON’T LEAVE ME”
I wear your tell-tale scars
I mainline this cyanide
through my eager veins
Twisted sick compulsion
needles stabbing
kills my pain.
Devouring any hopeful dreams
that I could one day be
Someone to be cherished,
loved and truly happy
When I was ten he pushed you in,
hoping I wouldn't tell
Now we are inseparable,
depravity is where we dwell
Trust me I don’t want to feel this ****
so I stay high
Until the day comes to pass
when I don’t want to die.

Heidi Shavill
2013
Heidi Shavill Aug 2013

Please don't give up on me,
without you I'm not ****.
Whatever life throws our way,
I know we'll get through it.
Sorry I'm a ***** sometimes,
you're not the one I'm mad at.
I hear myself saying mean things,
baby you don't deserve that.  
You are my best friend,
the only one that's true.
It breaks my heart to imagine,
us ever being through.
If you will stand with me here,
I'll make it worth your while.
I promise every day my goal,
will be to make you smile.

Heidi Shavill
2013

I remember every single time you've smiled.
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