For a lot of years, I held on to so much resentment. I let the way I was treated by others define me. The sickness in others infected my self worth, and I let it consume me. Eventually depression and self loathing became my reality. This darkness I carried with me grew into self mutilation, suicide attempts, and landed me in institutions. I was lost, and I didn't want to feel the emotional pain anymore. I found a way out in pills. I had no clue how serious my actions were, and how much worse my pain was going to get. As addiction progresses, boundaries become non existent, and all the 'I would nevers' evolved into normalcy. I justified all of this by giving blame to the way I felt hated by those who were supposed to love me. When I overdosed it didn't even scare me. My mother found me with my lips blue, not breathing, and I laughed about it. When even death isn't enough to wake you up, you know you're in a very low place. This low place was the best thing that ever happened to me. Every bit of my life was necessary, though at the time I didn't see it that way, I didn't understand at the time but one day I would.
It took time, but I've learned valuable lessons, my wisdom was earned in scars only I could heal. I made an effort to stop being so **** selfish, not everything is about me, and the way people treat you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. This realization was an eye opener, because I was letting my trauma bleed on to everyone around me, just as the pain of others impacted my childhood. This is when I realized I was feeding the cycle. I was another tortured soul passing on pain, and I refused to let that happen. I stopped being a victim and started holding myself accountable. I started looking more at myself and the part I played in my own suffering. I'm responsible for only myself, and the quality of the relationship I share with myself. That's the thing, most people are so distracted and focused on building relationships with others, they forget the most important one. The relationship with the self. We wonder why our relationships fall apart, and its because we don't take the time to create a healthy one within us. I turned my effort inward, and spent months soul searching. At one point in my life, I totally lost all self identity, I was a stranger to myself. In losing, I actually found myself, because instead of avoiding, pushing things down, and not addressing my misery, I chose to face it head on instead. I used to be so afraid of being uncomfortable and facing my harsh realities, and admitting to the pain I caused others. I didn't want to think about myself in the same light as the people who abused me. Ignorance is not bliss, ignoring the elephant in the room doesnt make it go away. Bliss is only temporary when you ignore the facts. The truth never goes away, it is constant, and fear only exerts energy that attracts more things to be afraid of. Fear does not cancel itself out, it only multiplys until you start looking at the root cause of it. I didn't even fear death but I feared the unknown, I feared what was outside of my comfort zone, until I got sick of it. By throwing myself into the deep end I noticed my fears were irrational, as I discovered swimming was easier than I thought. This gave me confidence, challenging myself to face uncomfortable truths. I couldn't truly be honest with myself until I stopped accepting the lies I fed myself. I had to be brutally honest with myself if I wanted to make real progress.
Take it easy on you. You'll never be perfect and that's okay. Your flaws are what make you human. The goal isn't perfection, the goal is to find yourself in a constant state of growth, becoming a better version of you every day. Being teachable was something I really had to work on, there's a lot to learn when you aren't busy thinking you know it all. You can learn something from everyone and everything, if you get out of your own way. Finding a way to enjoy the journey despite the redundancy is a must. It's easy to become bored, and dissociated, when you aren't feeling fulfilled in the present. The little things go unnoticed, as we grow out of touch, which can lead us back into old habits. Do something you love once in a while. You might not feel inspired as you're grinded down by your daily life, and that's okay. This is all apart of the process in gathering life experience, an existance worth expressing. Sit back and let life happen. In the moment it's hard to focus on anything else, besides the ****** way you feel, but eventually time will provide you with alternate perceptions, and other ways to look at things. It's okay to feel negative, it's apart of the process. Understand that the way you feel isn't the ultimate conclusion. Try to learn to love you, or nobody will. Don't become the people that have hurt you. Hurt people hurt people, and the only way to unburden yourself is to let go, and forgive. Not for them, but for you. Forgive them because if it wasn't for the pain they caused you, you wouldn't be where you are now. There are positive take aways in everything that happeneds, you just have to look for the good that can be derived from your shortcomings. I learned way more from my pain than I ever have happiness. This is why I wouldn't change one moment of my life. I might not be this person I am today, I might not have the wisdom I have today, if one moment happened any differently. That's why I wouldn't change a thing.
