"fuckedupness" poems
Growing up I never had any pets
My adorable baby brother grew to be the centre of all attentions
My parents were way to busy working
Keeping us afloat
To pay attention to this skinny dreamy girl
I've been to crèches
Where the owners 18 year old son used to hit me
I've sat at the doorsteps of my house
Hours and hours
Hoping the cook would let me
Home lost its appeal
I saw it as a place to live
Not a place to love
Loneliness grew to be my closest companion
My dreams and troubles too complicated
For the simple minds of 8 year olds
12 years later
Things have changed
I've grown into a woman
One I could someday admire
But the 8 year old hasn't left
The one who craves love
Who sits by the doorstep of faith knocking
Begging for the strength to hold on
12 years later we got ourselves a tortoise
Marco the solitary explorer of our house
He was not mine to keep or love
A birthday gift just for my brother
But he grew on us all
Bringing out slowly the love we had long since locked away
In my recent months of hiding
He became my companion
Someone so tiny
Who could never speak
Yet listened so intently when I spoke
Whose curiosity and laziness rivalled my own
We had a understanding
A relationship
I was always careful with him
His tininess terrified me
I've hurt too many in the past
Not this time I vowed
But I ******* it all up
Early morning routines passed in a hurry
My selfishness got the better of me
As I hustled into another work day
And just as I lugged my work for the day into the next room
I felt something hit my foot
And a squeak that turned my blood to ice
There he was
Hidden inside his shell which lay upside down
Time slowed down to seconds
As I rushed to set him straight
Praying he was okay
And even though my mom says he's okay
I can't get rid of the guilt
That painful squeak runs clear in my mind every passing second
I don't deserve him
I could have killed him
I almost did
The problem is always with me
I'm the hurricane of insanity
Of fuckedupness redefined
I could have killed him
I almost did
Jul 9, 2015
Jul 9, 2015 at 11:00 PM UTC
Laying in a bed full of great *** and bad memories,
I..
I wait to come down from the high of these drugs & poor decisions.
But my head is so full of the *** the bad memories, and what brought me to the point of wanting to come down.
As I sit and debate on whether it's all worth it, I'll leave this bed..
Just to smoke my camels, and let ******** **** my brain, in a different place.
Sometimes..
I wish I could leave the memories of it all in the bed that I shouldn't even be sleeping in...
... but something about the fuckedupness tends to tuck-
Pull
Me back in at night.
Mar 14, 2015
Mar 14, 2015 at 3:46 AM UTC
i think jensen and i have a whirlwind of fuckedupness.
he is a boy and i am a ?????
but because we are both perceived as females,
in the ********* state,
we can get kicked out of stores.
jesus,
i swear we're a straight couple.
Mar 27, 2015
Mar 27, 2015 at 9:05 AM UTC
You know how people say 'I cry everyday'
Im not like that I
should cry everyday
but I don't allow myself to
I am in constant battle with myself.
Emotions vs. Rationalization
And every time my emotions win they send me to hell until rationalization or forgetfullness pulls me back
My emotions say things like 'your useless'
'nobody loves you'
'you should die'
and I know these are lies but the thing Is that coz I know they are lies it hurts even more that I would betray myself like that
And this happens all the time
When rationalization wins im sane for a while but I know it won't last long becsuse the emotions become more while my rationalization is constant. Strong but constant.
So I wait in constant fear of when it boils over. In fear of the pain my fuckedupness will cause others coz my emotions control me and say nasty things to others. And seeing your pain hurts me
And you may not hate me but my emotions hate me.
And if I hate someone I cause them pain because I dont easily hate someone.
So this is me
This is who I am
And I hate it
Jan 1, 2014
Jan 1, 2014 at 9:24 AM UTC