The beaten path is hardest to go alone but it makes one stronger. One never wants to admit to oneself that misery is the predecessor to change, ushering it like the pilot ushers the plane down upon the runway.  This is a new destination you'd never have known. That is why we go up and then down, otherwise you wouldn't care for clouds. They'd be like stop signs posted on every street of every town you can't escape from. Don't you think whales like to take a dip in our atmosphere with the same exhilaration we dive down into their ocean? Marine life has it's trials, it all seems so buoyant and peacful, but its another jungle down there. Beautiful until you live it and predators lurk every corner and algae field. Everyone eating the next guy, if its your residence, it is no vacation. Its not so simple just cuz they've not got rent to pay and corrupt politics. Babies on the way while no financial burden make most species crazy. Try being a single mother just trying to keep your kids well enough hidden just to go off to find good eats for them. They have very emotional lives out there, full of pain and suffering. If whales could get drunk, mermaids would charge and set up breweries. But the ocean would dilute any profits, and two tons of blubber each would call demand too high and so whales throw themselves into our world just to escape. They could gulp the air so low key, surfacing like submarines, instead they splash mountains with their ferve, the same way we get down, tossing cares across dance floors. And we wonder why when  they take a breath, they reach for the sky, they just want to be free, where nothing of their world can touch them. And we wonder why when it's not enough, they just give up, just like us. Massive escapists desensitizing to the joys in the depths of their waters. We wonder why we find them so sad layed up on our beaches, you see it in their despondent eye. They just want to die in that memory of exhiliration. One. Last. Time. But they're not happy. Cuz they were always chasing a high that fleetingly springed them from all worry. They lay knowing its the last time and they wonder what's gonna become of them when its all over. They just figure what lays on the otherside, or even nothing has got to be better. Maybe they're right,  or maybe all the off kilter chemicals got the better of them. Full moons got them all emotional just like us, gravity pulling all their painful memories to the surface, pulling them up out of the ocean all hopeless. Shoot maybe some of them dont even mean it, they were just so tired of the krill or baby seal murda life, or sharks poaching their babies and needed longer and longer til oneday they got too sleepy and the tide snuck down too low. Like when I pass out in the shower when it's hot enough, I swear I was about to get out..then, ****. Maybe that's why they're so ******* sad. They didn't mean for it to be over, they just got caught up in that feeling. I bet the old ones though go on purpose, just to spite the sharks that took their babies out they'd rather rot in the sea breeze they loved. Or maybe they're so depressed at the loss of their child they just want it to be over. They carry their babies in their bellies just like us, I bet they get depressed like us or the smarter dogs. Being a whale, or any sober creature can be very hard, but at least if you're not running from it, you might see through the storm for the beauty of its strength, releasing fear to just stand in awe of it. You can learn to cope with pain in at least better measure to sprinting in laps, without intention, you're just on the track, even if its as vast as the pacific, adriatic, atlantic, doesnt matter all the waters you cross, they all just ran back into themselves. See, the whale can only cope, no emotional escape route, so no matter what comes, whale is miles wiser. Their calls sound a little sad but so hauntingly beautiful. Do not beach yourself humans, in your little ways everyday. Stop feeding this disbelief in yourself. You were given this brain to choose to overcome this pain, to communicate in new ways. If you get tired of something just cuz you're used to it, you've done fell off your rock, you slipped to drown in your own riptide, to get pummeled to death. Or as my Papa woulda said, you're not playing with a full deck. You drown in intoxicant, whatever your vice, liquor, uppers, downers, shopping, food, flirting, ******* to numb life's beating. You're running from sobriety, from reality, from those people you don't love anymore cuz they can't jive with your illusions. You'll look for every reason why your psyches not the problem. If you'd not only accept but seek the need to heal,  you wouldn't need constant change of scenery just to feel something, to feel snippets of sanity, mini vacations from your daily miseries. New people, places and substances are just so exhilarating, cuz you can't handle yourself. If you could, each listed above would be blessings of oneness, not necessity. Running is only blocking your life from mattering as much as it should. You squander potential wandering in circles inside yourself. I smoked **** habitually since I was twelve, it didn't really hurt me right, just my dump trucked loads of brain cells? Wrong! Sobriety is the hardest but most rewarding excursion so far. I delight everyday in the opportunities I can receive just cuz I can think so clearly. I have an occasional shot or glass of wine with coworkers and think God I feel good. Then go home and think and plot, how can I attain that joy without consuming a dollar, compromising my body?  How can I be so at home in my skin that I don't need that just to feel like this?  I'll let you know if I ever figure it out. It's the big ******* mystery, isn't it. I THINK my point is,  we would never know what's so good to be cherished if we always had it made. They call it a beautiful struggle, and i really think they're onto God with that one. Wherever your feet lay, next time you look down at them in dismay, remember your pain is the best teacher you never had to pay.  It makes you great, it makes you an epic ******* trilogy of the past present and future.  You'll get through this day, I promise you. Whatever it proves to be to you, I pray oneday you hold the kingdom. Oneday you'll praise yourself for holding on. Oneday you'll stop running. You'll just wake up and feel at home inside yourself how the wise whale makes peace with the ocean. Tempering the binges to the surface. As above so below. You just have to find the thrill within the hand you're dealt and make yourself better for it.

The sun was just attempting
To break free off the holds
Of the eastern horizon
Feable orange rays streaming in

And i was struggling
To break free from your confection enfoldment
Daybreak shouldnt  find me here

Your warmth, your gentle touch was so ensnaring last night
Your voice filled with so many secrets
Was the soundtrack of my night enslavery

to the plecantero rendezvous
That will remain between you and me
Though we are not supposed to be

You were whispering to me
How last night blew your mind
And now you wanted the tape to rewind

Where was your man?
I didnt care then...
Last night  you invited me in
I remember you standing at the door
In a blue lingerie...

"Baby I got to go."
But you wouldnt let me
"Stay for a minute longer"
You worked your magic
And i didnt need convincing

My mouth given a taste of the forbidden
The guilt turning to exhiliration
We were lost in oblivion
And then he came In

I didnt hear the door turning
I didnt hear his soldier boy boots on the floor
But i saw him standing over us.

you held on to me, was it fear?
Bewitched to not see his tear
And the hatred in his eyes
You told him you'd made up your mind

that was your welcome home
to the soldier lover boy
Who had been walking all night  
Knowing you would be waiting

the heart wants what it wants
You wanted love
and warmth in the cold nights
The love i gave, but was illegal

When he lifted up his pistol
Saying he cannot accept competition
Especially from 'this bug'
I never thought it would be lethal

He decided i should live
But both of us should miss you
I dived for his gun and we struggled
Two strayed into your head
And that was the end of him too

The illegal love blew your mind
Daybreak shouldnt have found me there
I remember it all
Your whispers
blood all over like a ritual

The lethal love
The illegal love
But i still love you
To me you are never dead

She is waiting there by herself. A woman, in a light colorful dress, that contrasts her gentle shoulders and sensible neck. It's raining. You see how the rain drops falling down from the sky are touching her and burst with exhiliration. They cover all her body, pure and shining like a heaven itself. She is standing there alone in the crowd.
Cars, buses are passing by, but she is waiting for something or... somebody. A deep uncertain regret starts permeating your mind, something that you are not, yet, able to understand yourslef but what causes pain. May be that's the sorrow of realizing
that she doesn't know you or... the thought that you would never be able to kiss her shoulder, and you don't want more. Even kissing her, you would have done it so gently and carefully, so that you would not have destroyed the harmony of her endless beauty... beauty of the lake, reflecting the sky and rising sun, that leaves you dazzled if you look on it. That kind of beauty you would not dare to touch, but just let it shine through you. A beauty that tells you the reason of life, and tranquilizes your soul. You wish your life was as ideal as the traits of her face, eyes, lips... You wish you were a wind that touches her so elegantly, without a word or any wrong movement, leaving itself in every and each cell of her body, disappearing in her sweet scent... You wish... And when you open your eyes you see her sitting in somebody's car... and the car is going away... you're sitting alone waiting for the bus...

"Afraid of heights? Don't be silly,"
the hard metal only grazes the sky,
it's nothing, don't you worry.

I'd have never guessed you'd take me up there, where,
I could reach the stars, with wind flushed cheeks, hair flying,
and your crooked teeth smiling back.

The moon was such a bright white,
and your laughter set in motion a part of me I had never felt,
and this exhiliration broke the heavens,
us both staring in wonder and excitement.

Don't be afraid of heights he said to the small(er) middle school me,
and had I known he would look so...
magical mixed in with the night,
I would have never tried to say no.

8/31/12

What makes thoughts scatter
Exhiliration normal
Hearts tender
& eyes sparkle?

What makes pain invisible
Tears incapable
The soul warm
And lips into crescents

What makes voices inaudible
Everyday scenes art
Nature a fantasy
And life made for us?

A term widely used but
rarely understood
More rare than the largest-cut diamonds
Or most unique-colored pearl
Something thought to be seen, but unseen
Like fine grains of sand being blown into the wind
On a constant journey but never disappearing
Existing quite profoundly but hidden
Beauty in simplicity, a flower in the rain
Greater than looking into the night sky
It's breathless like looking into the ocean of stars
If only swimming in the lights were possible
Like they light up the night with their splendor
Stars transforming the dark into day
Love is very real, stealing death and transforming it
Into beautiful magic
That being life..hope

Released from my physical form
I allow the tendrils of sleep
To conduct it's shadowed symphony
Crescendoing
Into a frenzy of cacophonous arousal, exhiliration and fear
My body soars in dream land
Shallow breaths become hurried
Bottomless pit free falling
Alice in Wonderland acid swirl
This crazy train is right on schedule
Each night whisking me off
To the exotic, horrific and depraved
My only respite...
The sticky sweet haze of Mary Jane
As she melts
Into the visceral underbelly
Of my subconscious
Only then do I wake well rested
Not aching from the memory of sleep

I am alive.
Blood courses through my veins
In rushes my breath
The scent of the morning dew on the rose
Wind against my face as i ride down on my cycle
The dark road lit by 500 candlepower before me
Flashing red illuminating behind me
Exhiliration
My pulse rushes
Controlled glide in shiny silver wheels flashing
Heart pulsing

My eyes still see
Tree limbs dancing in a cloudless azure summer California sky
The brilliant sun of hope

At twilight silver slice of the moon
So beautiful in its haze illuminating the dark path of tree shadows below
To live, to breathe...
Dream of a better day

Where shall i guide my my foot and place my next step today beneath the dawn horizon?

The Artist paints the sky with a rosy fingered dawn (Homer)
Bringing love, truth dispel lies
Harmony in my daily chaos

Sing!