Where am i ?
                 What i'm doing here ?
I'm looking through my shadow
                 But what do i see ?
Black soul , maniac thoughts
                 How am i still living ?
I'm "almost" destroyed mentally
                  Physically strong as rock
Why can't i control myself ?
                  I'm so insecure , immature
I'm having Schizophrenia
                  Dementia praecox
Fundamental derangement of my mind
                  Probably caused by an emotional disorder
Emotional illness affecting in my personality
                  I'm Neurosis , Neurasthenic
Nerve dysfunction  


                 I'm walking away
To forget all this pain
                 To walk and never get back
Part of my body already dead
                 I don't know if i'm going to survive
From this midlife crisis
                This is nothing that elapsed
I'm sure it's just the beginning of hell
                 Half spent
Not much left
                 That's how it used to be
That's how it going to be
                Struggling with desease
Smiling is hard but easy
                As much as slutty
Psychotic confession
                Irritability

You are my soul mate, there are many like us
But this one is ours,  My soul mate is my best friend she is my life
Without me my soul mate I she useless without her I am useless
I will treat my soul mate right, I will be your shelter your armor your strength
I will be your sword your protector your shield
I will learn your weaknesses your strength your dreams your desires and your fears
I will ever guard you against the ravages and trials of this world I will
We will become part of each other, we will
I will slay every dragon I will clear every obstacle
I will pick you up when you fall, take care of you when you fall ill
I will be your strength when you are weak
When you cannot continue I will carry you
When you  are sick I will care for you
When you cry  I will whipe away the tears
I will sacrifice all to have you at peace
When our children are hurt I will heal them
I will be strong enough for the both of us
May you not want while I am with you
When there is work to be done I will do it
I will be the wind beneath your wings
I will be at your back every step you take
I will miss you when you are afar
You will be in my heart forever and always
We will give each other names which we only call each other
We will know each other through body and soul
I will know your wants needs dreams and desires
I will be the man of your dreams
I will give you all your heart desires and needs
I will give my all and ask for nothing in return but your love
My love is unconditional
Through sorrow and desease
Through wrinkles and baldness
My love will never end even after breathe lives my body
I will not let you give up on yourself even when you feel like you cannot continue
Our lives will be entwined and ever seamless
There is nothing we together  cannot accomplish
We were destined
Our lives are written in the stars
We will be together one day
And that day will be the beginning of our beautiful lives together
God has brought us together and nothing can break us
Theses things I promise to you and to you alone for all time


Before God I swear this creed my soul mate and I are the masters of our future we are the perfect match we are opposites we complete each other, So be it for the rest of our days until eternity embraces us and there is no one else but us.

It wasn't like in the movie
Time didn't stop
No music played
when you walked into to my life
I wasn't blinking
for a split second can't be missed

I had a hard time deciding
where I sit
when I sit with you
cuz I wanted to watch you eat
and I wanted you beside me at the same time

My sister said "yes, your heart skipped a beat
but it isn't a heart desease,
cuz boy, you are in a much bigger trouble"
And I didn't get what she said
No one told me what's it like being in love

But I sat in the middle of the night,
writing poems about you
I was listening to songs
every single one dedicating to you
and every pretty thing I saw
reminded me of you

I never missed to smell your hair
I would kiss your hand at every chance
Every joke was to make you smile

Now I see you in the smoke I blew outside the window
Years ago, if someone told me about this
I would mock at them,
saying "move on, don't make it big a deal"
Now it is two years later,
my hands on the letters,
pressing one by one as I'm thinking of you
and one by one, the moments reappear
I still feel you all over me, touch by touch
but we've walked away from each other, step by step
I have to admit that tonight I moved one inch back to you
and I think I've been doing this inch by inch
but when I look around,
I'm in the same place as the last time I checked
when I thought I walked away


I might've chuckled dryly at the irony
I was right where I left you,


Right where I left you.

bitter isn't something you taste
it's the feeling seeping onto your tongue,
the desease that makes you want to shut your eyes
and pull the universe by it's threads:
twine it around your fingers like a kite
and pull, watching it plummet, the magic broken
everything unwound

i'll write you a poem  ,not because i want the poem
but because i want the poem removed
like cancer ,like a tumor
                     it consumes me ,slowly

i draw in ink through my eyes ink  through my eyes.
desperation   thick in my veins
    'get it out'    it consumes me;
there is a poem inside me;
               ,i need it out
it is as
  a desease;it affects
  ;every aspect of my mind
it will not sleep
it does not sleep when i sleep
it consumes me it whispers it screams;
         'let me out'
and i pull the ink
                            through my eyes
put the pen to my page,
tear 'poetry' out from my mind
and lay it down in all honesty
to die

thrown to the relentless;
truth, and the critics
          the poem will die
          no deeper meaning
the addiction returns;
there is a poem inside me;

i need it out,
it consumes me.

I remember when this world was formed.

I danced with the sun and you danced with the moon
and the stars danced around this newborn
celebrating her beauty and magnificence.

The sun glowed through my skin
projecting streams onto the Himalayas.
The red became blue and pure
as the dusty water creeped
through granite ledges and Crushed ice-bergs.

Our hair soaked with dew glided with the wind
and planted into the earth spreading our life
your beauty and my strength.

The song you sang made beings rise from clay to hear your wonder.

I remember your sorrow when the killing began,
my rage was a desease infecting them with blood lust.

That terrified time your cancer formed from thier smoke,
their hatred, their hardness.

Were the tears for them for me too?
The offspring I tainted with sorrow?

Tommorow I will burn them with vengeance for my guilt,
I will ******* them and remove thier sustainence!

Stay my hand my love,
I still love my broken children.
Soothe me with your music
may we be happy once again.

did you here
the sky cry
it roared its voice asking us why we are killing her
the sky cut open with white lights
trying to show us how she hurt
The trees swayed back and forth waving there arms to get our attention
did we listen
no..
did we here her
no..
so she faught back
infernos blazed our homes
tornados blew our belongings away
just like her lungs were polluted
with our toxins
she fought back
washing away our lives
to dance with the fishes
She opened up her skin
and shook our souls
she knew one day we might listen
shes growing tired
shes growing angry
will we stop
will we cease
eventually
we are a desease
and her natural forces are the vaccine
will we win
no
will she yes

In the mean time
while it's raining in my head
I will blanket the only stars that lit in your sleep at night
beacause in my nights were restless in all my troubled worries of your burning sun
In the mean time
I will hide what I could not hold back from you all these times
... love
Where I can bring my worth up to strangrh
turn the pages and scibble about some kind of "grattitude" and other beautiful things that I can find
other than scribbling about heart aches and heart breaks of you
In the mean time
I will keep on going on with a weary head dugg down in the gutter somewhere wishing you can suffer all emotions suffered and transffer them unto you
In the meant time I will do the ******* do's and throw away the do nots so I may be at peace with myself
In the mean time when you search for me again like you normal had done before my gesture will change about you in that time
In the meant time I will hate in order to love again
but not for you
In the mean time men will swander compliment of taste of me while I suffer loyalty of mind, body, thought, and heart of you
In the mean time I will dissapoint God by doing my own will as to drowning in strong drink just to have the strength to finally drop you
In the mean time I will confide in air and space to cry and ache and toss and turn to cure this desease
which is you
In the mean time I will learn to forgive how you laughed at me because "I ain't ****" and for threatning to get another ***** at me.. what?!! just for ******* loving you?
so in the meant time...
in the mean time
I pray that God will help me through this burn
because I am so tired
of loving you.

© S.T. Rebel of Eden

When i was little i remember things that no longer are,
Like seeing the sky full of endless stars.
I remember watching the giant birds flying free,
Their home no more was the river of Sespe.
My mind goes back to when the waters ran wild,
Pushing and pulling me when i was a child.
I saw clouds puffier than a giants cottontail,
The fillmore train riding its rail.
I rode without seat belts and ate all on my plate,
Life when i was a little was nothing but great.
My toys made of matel and i played in the dirt,
I made mud pies and stained my shirt.
Telivision was black and white
and there was no remote control,
Back when the firplace had to be cleaned of its coal.
There was no internet, cellphones or xbox,
We had a desease called chickenpox.
I remember fruit trees for miles i would see,
Everything when i was little is worth remembering.
Now that im all grown nothing  is  the same,
Its scares me to think what the world has became.
Surrounded by lights now the stars cant shine through,
And the California Condor is gone now too.
The rivers once full are now dessert dry,
The clouds are man made and i ask why?
The train still on track it drives the same rail,
Seat belts a must or you go to jail.
Electronics are what kids play these days,
In fact  kids are impossible to raise.
I remember when i was little and wishing to be just that,
No other place in life i would rather be at.

I met a friend this morning,  she was looking rather low
I said this will never do, to the doc you have to go
The doc was quite confounded by the symptoms he found there
Her eyes were large and round and dust was in her hair
He said I know not whats the problem an answer I cant get
He suggested I'd do better if I took her to see a vet
and so I did
The vet got so excited to have a human in his care
He prodded and he poked, took a sample of her hair
Manipulated,  twisted,  tested every bone
Pulled out a giant stethoscope and listened to her tum
He turned to me, shook his head he was looking rather glum
Then he whipped out a thermometer and shoved it up her ***
Suddenly he turned again, shouting out with glee
I will go down in history as the first man ever
To discover a woman
Who's got mad cow desease

I cast my line into the watery murk
And hooked a Carvò by the neck
I pulled in vain the hold to break
But ripped the head off at the neck
Alas the Carvò did not die
Head and beret floated high
****** droplets fell like acid rain
Causing worthy poets grief and pain
The body was by fish consumed
But once again the Carvò cloned
Again to infest the HP site
With the foul desease of words he writes

The Sharps.50 calibre rifle was the rifle of choice for the buffalo hunters

And so the .50 sang her song and a buffalo hit the ground
To lay there with a broken back groaning in her pain
No, the fifty didn't miss, that shot was made with care
The buffalo herd didn't understand and wouldn't leave her there
So the shooter in his stand now could shoot at will
And every time the fifty sang it was another ****
The marksman now in his element, for with ever beast that fell
Was another dollar for the skin, the meat abandoned there

The Indian gazed upon this sight, horror in his eyes
For every time the fifty sang another Indian died
You see the Indians only ever took enough for the survival of the tribe
Starvation beckoned as winter called each time a buffalo died
No warming hides now for a home to build against the winter cold
Starvation and desease would come, bringing death upon the tribes

But the white men didn't care, they saw only dollar signs
Every time the fifty sang and another buffalo died

take this desease from inside my mind
take me back into your womb
and this time, please try, try, try, and want me
just that, have a happy little chap
the kind of baby people clap
they smile and say, isnt he lovely, special
in his own kind of way
a bundle of joy, not a toy
to be discarded at birth, to be put last not first
not a thing, i am not a thing
i am something that grew within
you, you, you, you

i hate you, i hate you, i hate you
i am sorry, i am so sorry for being me
sorry for not being pleased
sorry for all the ****, and what comes with it
for all the false hope i couldnt cope, with

for the person i am, the boy, the man
the life thats a shamb
sorry for the whole ******* mess
for causing you such distress
i hate you, i hate you, i love you

i am sorry for crying blood red tears
crying, slowly dying, showing cowardly fear
i just want you near, close to me
keeping me safe, the way its supposed to be
not darkness, ******* endless anxiety

i hate you, i hate them, i hate false friends
i hate the people that pretend
their life isnt ****, and get away with it
i hate it when, the pain never goes away
i hate you because you never say

those three little ******* words
i love you, i love you, i love you
how hard can it be mother
would you prefer me to smother
in this **** i call a life, an exsistance
one step away from an injection in my vein
just something to ease the pain
i hate you , i need you
i hate thats its true
i hate that you left me on the shelf
but most of all i hate  myself

lately i feel like
your all i really got
but like everyone else i love
im the only one who talks
absent with the congregation
cant be selfish today
so i try not to bother you
with all i wont say
stomaches full of nerves
that make me feel i rot
so nervously i sweat when im
not even hot
every tear has a story
as well as salt that packs
in my tears, no wonder i
reflect so much fat
all i wants to be humble
and get my love returned
instead like the dead my hearts
needing an urn
wheres investments return
dont wanna go through this
wheres jesus christ, let him know i
have now found judas
sometimes i feel "***** this"
"that, him and her"
innocence is extinct in ones i
felt were so pure
so infered is the absurd uncured
desease that plagues me
i now understand how my
enemies passionately hate me
cause lately i hate me
so greatly as well
cant threaten me with the devil, im already
used to this hell
everyones **** ****** smells
mine and all of yours
snow white was trying to tell me
most woman are ******
in drawers of seven dwarfs
who no wonders either sleepy
***** or grumpy when will
i get a break or freebie
dark shadows pass so creepy
most people are deceitful and greedy
i swear i can almost feel
my soul wants to leave me
just like everyone leaving
loyaltys not a common relic
no wonder all we feel is so
uncalming and jealous
why cant i find strength embelished
prior used to front
but i rather be killed then *******
heartlessly hunt
and maybe thats why before you
i kneel and cry
asking for the mercy of death
i see such peace in the eye
of the one you will cry
for if they die but roughly
im jealous at funerals wondering
why im not so lucky
so in the name of the father
son and holy spirit
i pray if i dont see death today
that im hopefully near it
.....amen

There was a time of brute force
Where a poet was the beast
And a woman the evil cry
All made song all pagan glow
Bul Lo the mistress of hate
On a carriage she came
Preaching respect over a river
trully made of blood
With floating dismembered flesh
Carrying a song
Now it is all a desease
What humans feel
Remember what cruelty is
Kind complex mind

i took my scars and carved into her heart,
now she is ill from the same type of desease,
so selfish of a man who said he would protect her.

i took my loneliness and inserted it into her youth,
now we can compare our miseries when we are alone .
so pathetic of a man who should comfort her.

i took my pain and inserted it into her treasured innocence,
now, i wait for her reaction when she finds out im not a man she tought i'll be
i hope she will run away and avoid being trapped with a man like me..

We all indeed live for two reasons

seeds actually came first before trees why you starring at branches and leaves why don't you dig deep maybe you could see Its seeds
Its easy for looks and fruits to recruit don't be decieved because you might eat a desease and become so obese that you no longer see your feet and you be walking in a path way defeat till eventually you decay half way in a pit

I dont know yet
strange season
i just feel, IT
crawling, ill
like a desease
like a morbid ghost
like the heat
cold at first.

But then it comes.

Man suffers much
Because of lack of faith in the recovery of his desease

Along with wounds
Faith is to be operated

the more I ignore it, the more it grows
and every time I hide it, the more it shows
things are getting complicated day by day
whatever is happening to me, I couldn't say

would you dive in the deepest darkest ocean,
or go to the moon without any reason?
I know, for you, Its a waste of time
but I would do it just ta save my mind

I know there is no cure for this kind of desease
even the doctors have a never ending list
of people who died with their eyes open wide
witnessing the world that left them behind

people are afraid of things they don't know
and numbers of depression isn't getting low
don't know when or how it will be mended
but I hope its not too late or another life will be ended.