my eyes burn
not only because they beg for sleep
but from the tears shed
too many have fallen
not just today
but in my (short) lifetime

my mind is all over the place
i can't fathom my thoughts very well
i don't know what i want or how i feel
i do know i feel alone
although i am not

i honestly love him
and know he's good to me
good for me

you are trouble
yet why do you continue to walk yourself into my brain?
yet why do i reach out to you?
yet why do you respond to my distress calls?

a few months ago
i would take back what we had in a heartbeat

now things are complicated

i don't know if i can trust you
do you only want me now that i'm with someone else?
would you still want me once you regained me?

yet they get even more complex

yes i may still love you
but i am in love with him as well
he's everything i thought he would be and more
but i'm not so sure the "and more" is positive

he is far mor ****** than i ever imagined
he is far more unstable than I could ever guess

i'm unstable
he's unstable
you're unstable

but you are by far the most stable out of us three
and i was the most stable with you
you were my stability
and when you left you took it with you

i cry a lot
i cry when i'm with him
not because he makes me upset or angry or unhappy
but because i am afraid
afraid to hurt him
and cause more unstableness in him
or get hurt
and lose more stability
or that I can't help him
that is my greatest fear

so why did i message you?
and why did you respond?
why am i feeling conflicted when i am in no dilemma what-so-ever?

is it possible to fall in love with someone while still in love with a different someone?

because i believe i have

and i believe i am going insane
possibly from an overdose
an overdose on love

                           -please send help

a.a.

I'm afraid
terrified really

That I'm not good enough for you
That I'm not what you're looking for
That I'm not what you want in a girl

What if you find someone new that is what you're looking for?

And what if you already found her?
Yet you let her slip away
You talk about her like she was all you could ever hope for
Why didn't you take that chance and grab her while you could?

Now you're stuck with me
And I don't think I could be any of the things she is

What if she comes back?
Then what do I become?
I become the cookie dough you eat while you wait for the cookies to finish baking
I may be nice in the moment
But overall I'm a bad idea
And just a way to pass time

And that's why
I'm afraid
terrified really

a.a.

slow sunday
no rain
but still dark
empty seats
to match my
empty heart
and wallet
boredom consumes
so i write

a.a.

lightning
silent warnings
some don't notice
others see but remain quiet
then there are those who speak up
but just don't understand the
seriousness of the damage
I am a lot like lightning

a.a.

every year i spend the week leading up until today thinking 
thinking about this day 
it finally comes
each year it starts to feel a bit easier
until i hear laughter and warmth of innocent people singing happy birthday
restaurants are bait for birthday parties 
while everyone else smiles, i hold back tears
i can’t hold it against them 
i know you would want me to smile too
but still it’s hard 

i miss you every day of every week of every month of every year
that never changes 
the emptiness never changes 

but every year, i know you are wishing me the best from above
 every year i know you are proud of me and how far i’ve come
every year i get a little stronger 

every year on march 1st i mourn a best friend 
every year i mourn a beautiful person
every year i mourn my sunshine 
but every year gets a little brighter 

breathe easy
year i miss you more
every year i realize that things may not be the same but things are okay

a.a.

We laid there
In silence
I could feel your pain
I could feel your hurt
You called it numb
You were lying
I held you
I watched you
I could see your heartbeat on your neck
It was slow
Mine was fast
I knew what was coming
I knew you couldn't say it
So I asked you
"Is this what you need?"
"What?" You replied
You knew
I knew
We both knew
"I know this is what you want but it is what you need?"
You were honest
You need to take care of yourself
So do I
I understand
It still hurts
But I understand
I got a lump in my throat
My chest got tight
"I don't want to hurt you"
Your sweet words struck right through me
"I'm not mad"
"I get it"
I knew you couldn't say it
That's why I asked
I walk you out
And it's freezing
But I needed that hug
That hug meant so much
You make me go inside because I'm shivering
I don't think it's from the cold
I look back
"Can I kiss you?"
You let me
You drive home
"Hey I'm home"
I'm glad yourself
I'm not
I'm not safe from myself
Everything is blurry
I never expected this
I never expected it to hurt like this

Who knew someone could break your heart in 13 days?

At least I'll win the bet...
I don't wanna win
I want you

a.a.