Let me tell you
about this crazy dream I had

I looked over at you and smiled again
You put your head on my shoulder
We've been watching the cars pass
Through the streets of the city
Like stars falling from our galaxy

Ever have those moments when
time
slows
down?
Everything gets quiet
And my eyes felt like they opened
for the first time
And i felt music and art and poetry
for the first time
And my ears could only hear our
heart beats in sync
And your breathing

This was one of those moments
Like the first time I met you

We played connect the dots with the stars
And drew each other pictures of the future
I felt your grip get tighter around my hand
And I couldnt help but belt out a laugh

Can you believe it?  
Of all the particles of matter
And molecules of life
Of landscapes
And creatures
And people
And planets
And timing
And chances
We slammed into each other
Like we've always been en route
For this crash.

And like two fireworks
We took the sky and stole the moment
In a wild display it took my whole life to perfect
I would do what I could to see you shine
the brightest
I went through years of fuses and duds and restarts,
sparks and false starts just for this moment when
You ignite me to the potential I never knew was there

See, your best brings out my best,
And the more I can do for you will enrich me.

Your warmth is something I didn't know was possible
Until it was.

You are proof that lotteries
aren't only won in monetary jackpots
And hearts aren't only made for
Beating in a singular rhythm  
But in a drum line to a symphony.

We danced in our own company
And your lips dropped breadcrumbs
across my body
So you'd find your way back up to my kiss.
I've never felt lips burn so deep like yours do
You left gulches on my neck with your breath
And dug out safe places
where you will always be welcomed.

Let me tell you
I wake up to sleep now.

These little fingers
on his little hand
gripping mine
to say hello
Makes me realize
how love can
Create and grow

Helps me understand
what I need to know
That life is precious
And shouldn't be rushed
My own mortality as contrast
to his new life

I'm definitely not in any rush
When my cries for comfort
For food
For a warm hand
patting my ***
And cooing me to sleep
Are so similar to his.

I provide what I can
Because I understand
And I know what he needs.  

Two days of life
and a lifetime of lessons
I wish him better luck than me.
And will do what I must
So he can live a more robust
Life than me.

Nine years and still
we cradle our grief
carefully close,
like groceries
in paper bags.

Eventually the milk
will make its way
into the refrigerator;
the canned goods
will find their home
on pantry shelves.

Most things find
their proper place.

Eventually the hummingbirds
will ricochet against scorched air,
their delicate beaks stabbing
like needles into the feeder filled
with red nectar on the back porch.

Eventually our child
will make her way
back to us. Perhaps.

But I’ve heard
that shooting
****** feels
like being
buried under
an avalanche
of cotton *****.

For now it’s another
week, another month,
another trip to Safeway.

We drive home and wonder
why it is always snowing.
Behind a curtain of snow,
brake lights pulse, turning
the color of cotton candy,
dissolving into ghosts.

And with each turn,
the groceries shift
in the seat behind us.
From the spot where
our daughter used to sit,
there is a rustling sound—

a murmur of words
crossed off yet another list,
a language we’ve budgeted
for but cannot afford to hear.

Take my ashes to San Francisco
Follow the steps
And lay me to rest where
I always felt free and at peace

Step one: Irish coffee(s)
Step two: Irish coffee to go
Step three: take the walk and shed your demons
Step four: find my spot and sit
Step five: tune in, unwind, and listen for my reply

Let me go into the ocean
And I'll always be within reach
Stay by the sea and let the water  
Sing you my love songs
I'll be the fog on the horizon
And the brisk embrace
of the Pacific mist

And if you find yourself in need
I'll relinquish my spot
for those days you could use an ear
And feel comfort
Know that I'll hear you
And I'll reply
And if you weep
Let the raindrops that fall
And the howling of the wind
give notice
That I am weeping too

You may grow lonely
But you will never be alone
I'll be within waters reach
And in the city I will
Always be alive with you.

Take my ashes to San Francisco.