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May 2018 · 166
I see You see
Vince Chul'Theg May 2018
I see overreaction
You see red

You see: "you've broken a promise, watched it with
another boy"
I see: "I was lonely and wanted to watch
a movie we'd planned to watch together on my couch"

I see: turn over and slowly drift to sleep
with my love by my side
You see: you're being distant, now I feel alone
and hurt

You see: I smoked without him Thursday night,
that's so disrespectful of me
I see: you enjoying time with friends while I need
a night in alone

I see: you walk out of the galleria after saying
cattily: "I'll take those keys now"
You see: me hurting you, being inconsiderate, invalidating
your feelings

You see: the silent treatment
I see: you slowly inch away from me with each
passerby

I see: myself trying to understand why you feel so
intensely about this, why you believe me (by some default setting)
to be driven by self-interest; general inconsideration
You see: me invalidating you

You see: me as someone who can't see what I contribute
to the struggle
I see: you continue to question my awareness and intent

I see: clarifying questions, then my own defensiveness
because I am being accused of intent I never had
You see: your feelings invalidated and me being
defensive

I see: you assuming the worst
You see: what you want to see
May 2018 · 198
Please don't
Vince Chul'Theg May 2018
Please don’t beat me up.

While you are entitled to feel however you're gonna feel,
you don't get to beat me up because you've decided that
I came for you with malintent when I didn't.

I come from a place of love.
I'm intentional about my words,
tone and intent.
I am aware.

Give me grace.
Give me the benefit of the doubt.
Understand your past, present.
Understand mine.

If I say something that has upset you,
just because you feel I am being judgmental,
doesn’t mean that I am being judgmental.

Our feelings and reactions do not
necessarily (and often are not)
accurate depictions of reality.

That's how you feel.
Figure out whatever it is that
has you feeling hurt.

It probably has more
to do with you than it does with me.  

When I defend myself from accusations,
it’s because I know my own heart. And
I want to protect it.

When I defend myself from accusations,
I am not invalidating your feelings.

Feel the **** outta your feelings.

Just,

please don’t beat me up.
Mar 2018 · 123
If you knew
Vince Chul'Theg Mar 2018
If you really knew me
You'd know that I am
A student first
A teacher second

If you knew me
You'd know I need
Grace and patience
To stave off the Angst
Monster napping upon
My left lung

If you knew me
You'd know that I want
To give you grace and patience
Because you need it too

If you knew me
You'd cradle
My heart
My intentions
So softly in your
Callous-free palm

If you knew me
You'd know that love
Is my goal and my
Experience vibrates
Softly in step
With my heart beat

If you knew me
You'd know my
Heart raced through
The night and I woke
With diarrhea

If you knew me
You would not ask for my freedom
For my walks in the night on mossy paths
For hammock, new friends, Bukowski, cigarette,
A life that is separate but complimentary to yours,
For the sacred voice that speaks in the silence of the night

I will be more alive to you for these.

See me.
Know me.
Even through
The abuse and neglect
Your heart suffers
From past love

For nothing is more knowing
And loving than saying:

"I don't need you to
Light yourself on fire
To keep me warm."
Note: The "would not ask for my freedom" stanza is an adaptation of work written by Teej Mali.
Vince Chul'Theg Dec 2017
I file away every beautiful moment,
Each a memory's spark in your eyes.

I've collected memories,
cobalt grave,
lustrous,
doleful,
resplendent,

That haven't even happened yet.
If I lose you, where will I file those sparks?

I still get lost in them.
#pesto
Nov 2017 · 186
strug
Vince Chul'Theg Nov 2017
fantasy of broken glass
steps from fridge
to barrel-chested
water heater

push the green button
clicks to ignite pilot
filling with heat
the cold, vacuous hope chamber

click times twenty
no yield
wait
wait

the projectionist empties
the can and tosses ribbons
to the screen--
that's his job

click times twenty
no yield
wait
wait

but behind the lights
he sees not what
the screen's
face lays bare

click times twenty
no yield
wait
wait

the projectionist hears
only what his own speakers
interpret as consistent
with what he is familiar

click times twenty
still no flame
wait
wait

so walk the glass path?
take a nap
call your State Farm agent
task manager forced reboot
Jun 2017 · 331
Every Day
Vince Chul'Theg Jun 2017
Do you ever wish you could choose your dream
Before you go to bed?

Mine'd find my nose lost, twisted
About jet-black, jawline beard hair
Scent of peppermint and the day's scrub cap

I'd get lost in the softness of underamour
Cotton blend cloth wrapped softly
Over chest fuzz and brown skin mounds
Musky and warm

Tongue rushing past tongue
Taste buds tingling like a newborn kitten's
Sand paper tongue or that zing that
Happens when you lick a battery.

Smiling eyes that look up at me
From chin rested on chest
And hand stroking face as if to say:
"I wouldn't be any other place
Than right here right now, so love me."

Two island flat feet, wide and deliberate,
Kicking like a baby might splash his
Feet in his first bath out of giddiness
And the longing for our ocean church.

Whispers of:
"I'm in love with you and
I'm so excited about it. And us."

A collection of songs that once covertly
Communicated longing and now
Proclaim belonging
Because--for ***** sake!--we waited
A long *** time
And it was worth it.

I guess I should start choosing dreams
Of the dark water abyss
Or flying
Or speaking 7 languages
Or a 6th and 7th sense.

Because I get to live this dream.
Every day.
For you, Pesto.
May 2017 · 252
Flood Gate Motorcade
Vince Chul'Theg May 2017
Flood gate motorcade
Spirit sprite's lemonade

Walnut wig
Lipsticked pig

Throw me down a love grenade.

Five foot five
Brown skin live

******* pucker
Real good ******

Kiss my neck we both will thrive.

Hold my hand to cross the street
Me, your mama meet and great

Supply the sticky
Never picky

Poetry makes my man feel neat.

I want to love you all the time
Nose hair, **** cut, I don't mind

Always love me
Always hug me

Get into this heart of mine.

Spring time makes you itchy, sneezy
Wash feet of the hungry, needy

Lifetime bond
Warm palm frond

You said you don't just want, but need me.

Your love for me is unconstricted
Throw out fear, that wolf’s evicted

Be my champion
Handsome companion

Ensure our spirits stay soaring, lifted

><<>> <<><<

Side-note:

(Who taught you to love like this?
Who taught you to love like this?

You  know it’s because you love yourself
in a way that’s ******* rare, right?

This is why you can afford to give this much?
It scares me, but not in the horror movie way.
It scares me, not in the feeding-the-bad-wolf-way.
It scares me because your love is becoming the platform upon
which I am learning to love myself the way I deserve to. My love for myself is catching up with the love you have for me.

How you look into my eyes is indescribable.
I think you see something in here that I don’t. I’m getting there.

This is how you inspire me.
This is why I need you.

This is a race we will both win. We will both win this one.
Hand in hand, marathon ribbon cut sand.)



I'm afraid to say it
I'm afraid to say this

But I think I have to

I more than want you

Circle the block
Drum core, piccolo, fife.

You might just be the love of my life.

Good morning.
I love you.
and Happy Birthday
May 2017 · 234
15
Vince Chul'Theg May 2017
15
I can love
you more
and will
because you
are me and
I am you.
May 2017 · 329
My Pesto
Vince Chul'Theg May 2017
Why do I deserve this?
How do I deserve this?
What did I do and in which
Lifetime that has lead to
Me receiving such prodigious love?

Your face beaming upward
Backward hat left ear bent

Your eyes scale my
Adam's apple
Chin
Bottom Lip
Top Lip
Philtrum
Tip of Nose
Bridge
Bottom Lash
Pupil locked

You smile
Then wink
In that way I said I hated
Because I thought it was cheap
And I'm glad I said that
Because now I love it
And the ****** expression
And words that follow
Every Single Time
"Sup?"

Can I read you a poem?

Our inside jokes
Build
Rigorously
Congruously
Correlationally
To our love,
Pesto.

But you already know that.

You inspire me
Blue flame fire in me
You will agree
To a large degree
Is on account of our
Souls' connectivity
Meant to be

My heart dances on the bridge
That connects tears of laughter
And tears of shear happiness and
Gratitude and as my heart swells
To rugby ball bloat
I ask: What am I going to do with you?
You say: Love me.

Well?
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I'm in love with you.

Pesto, let's go home.
Apr 2017 · 1.7k
Sweep My House Before Dusk
Vince Chul'Theg Apr 2017
Also: I feel ******* sick. Not physically. Although: sometimes the pit in my stomach feels like the point of this lose's impact.

Actually:  this feels incredibly age appropriate.

Also: I don't define myself by what I don't like. People know what I like. And that's love and poetry and lipy kisses and the final season of Girls and volunteering.

Actually:  when you said the word "actually" after anything positive or interesting, it made me feel like you defined yourself by what you didn't like and since we met, things got so good for you that you were pleasantly surprised by a constant string of nice things you started to see again (or maybe only started seeing for the first time).

Also: now that it's over, I wonder how often you say "actually."

Actually: I'm half freaked half stoked to see you Friday night.

Also: I keep searching for the perfect song to send to you that communicates exactly how I feel; mainly because we aren't talking right now and I've gotten so used to secretly coded  artistic messaging doing all of my talking for me. Something by Lucy Rose, I think.

Actually: I'm afraid to reach out too soon because I don't want to admit I want you and also I don't want to give you false hope.

Also: I think about you constantly. And also you constantly.

Actually: I killed it way too soon and started something new so fast that my head is spinning and all I really want is to say sorry to your bottom lip for my absence.

Also: I feel immense guilt.

Actually: that bottom lip I want to apologize to for my absence, I also need to apologize to for making stick out when your face was that red and your cheeks that wet. Because making you cry. Those eyes. Those sounds. ****! I'm sorry I ever made you cry. I'm so sorry. Please never cry. Never cry. Please.

Also:  I don't ever want the cotton of my shoulder to be so saturated.

Actually: I made a decision based on my gut that had me sure of myself for the 3 weeks leading to my birthday and now 2 weeks since my birthday, I can't find the security in my gut.

Also: 30 doesn't feel more secure at all.

Actually: I need space but I haven't been able to count on myself to create it.

Also: I'm super worried these feelings won't die because, even though I both do and don't want them to, I know they need to to make these feelings grow.

Actually: I know I said I was up for the gamble. And we really just might win it all. But I might also lose it all.

Also: I think I'm exactly where I am supposed to be in my socialization.

Actually: **** makes me paranoid and ***** makes me feel fat but sleep and cardio and water and caffeine make me feel ******* good.

Also: not a huge fan of raw fish that isn't tuna. Also: **** seaweed salad.

Actually: I just want to be the best version of myself. Character matters. I'm gaining experience. I want **** to be easy. It's not and won't be. And that's fine. I just don't want to hurt anyone. I want to search and feel and taste and

Make love
love
love.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2093VBJyWs
Mar 2017 · 747
Butterfly Kisses
Vince Chul'Theg Mar 2017
I need your lips

So I'll catch them by their
Silken wings

Mid flight
Riding the wind
Of your words
And mine

Line by line
Stanza by stanza
#butterflypoetry  #iloveyou
Mar 2017 · 248
Why Cry
Vince Chul'Theg Mar 2017
Why do I cry. 

Why the Chevy Suburban's
Cigarette lighter fire
To my sternum's reverse?

Why this firefly's incandescent 
Luminescent, opaque gel
Behind my eyes?

Why these toes scorching sand
Black glass footprint
Path?

Why the tightened heart's
Water ballon tie 
Swollen, stretched?

Why these trees'
Branches reaching 
Seeking my shaded rootbark?

---

Tell me: 
How do you choose between 
A warm valor blanket
Straight from the clothesline
And
Feet made sore by dancing 
To songs
Throat sore, raw
From roar of laughter? 

Time and distance? 
Space?
Reach.

These salt water tears,
Pacific made,
Maroon sunset over Federai inspired 
Collect and I guess
They belong to you 
Too. 

Weave.
Repair.
Patch thatched roof.

Water. 

Pause. 

Pray:
Sachigchig ma weash.
#love #connection #depth #patience #finally #deeperlevels #safety #dissonance
Mar 2017 · 227
Brother
Vince Chul'Theg Mar 2017
My brother is coming after me with a knife
Somewhere North of Dares Beach Road
In Prince Frederick, Maryland.

There is lots of conversation.
He is manic and persistently after my throat.
I’m not sure what he is talking about,
But it comes at the volume of every
Missed connection the last 6 years has amassed.
Flood gating levy tumble.

His eyes are huge,
His knuckles and wrists always
Elevated above heart level
(Not like a zombie, just grasping in general).

He looks good.
Radiant even.
With a black backwards baseball cap.

We slowly make our way down past
Smoothie King where he lunges
And swipes the knife at me.

I am doing quite well at dodging
Every attempt to slash me.
Until we are under the Apex Theaters
Sign in front of Safeway.

The sun has nearly set.
The spring air is clean
And the sky is dark blue.

Gun pulled, shoots me in the forehead.

Bullet hits my pre frontal cortex
And then arcs severely down and outward,
Like half a parabola.

The bullet leaves through my occipital bone.
I am stunned, but completely unscathed.

I scream: “How am I not dead?!”
My brother barely looks interested.
I say: “What the **** is Wrong with you?!”

I wake up.
9 months sober.
Feb 2017 · 244
Possible
Vince Chul'Theg Feb 2017
When I'm with you
I'm in a dream
From which
I cannot
Will not
Wake

When I'm with you
I barely remember a time
When I could not see
Our future

Because
I can see
The callusing of your palms
Two tear duct lashes
Summer then Fall

We aren't known for
A connection that
Calls for the movie magic
First kiss at my doorstep

But
who needs that
When my hand fits so
Precisely in your jacket
Pocket?

My face on your shoulder:
"I can feel your smile"

Wet eyes
Green eyes
Red lightening bolts
Across white
Can't disguise
A connection so
Right I can't help but
Smile and thank god
In the isle of a bookstore
Maybe

That I have found
My meant-to-be

The one I've chosen
And have been chosen by

Because
After all these years
My hands in your hands
Finally we're here

When I'm with you
I feel it is impossible
to ever feel alone again

Enmeshed legs
Arms
Chest to chest
Soul crunch

And it's not enough
To dissolve into you

Trying to figure out how
To consume even more

Short of Winifred Sanderson- ing
Your life force's electric
Blue blanket cloud
Through deliberate
Lip sips

A mellifluous whisper:
"How is this even possible"

Possible
Or: I love you, Scotty.
Feb 2017 · 340
Less and More
Vince Chul'Theg Feb 2017
I feel less convicted

I can’t stand for a core
Set of values it seems and
It makes me feel
Unsuccessful

I hear people like Marin
And Chris share their
Political, Moral, Any views.

Streams of logic
(Whether I agree or disagree)
That flow with concern
In earnest
With confidence.

I used to be this way.
Very heavy and deep
Vibrations were needed to
Rattle me.

I am not comfortable feeling like
I cannot share my principles.

I fear I have no principles.
Who am I if I am without principle?

I know what I want my principles to be.
They’re generally liberal.
Mainly about love,
But I don’t feel like a good practitioner
Here in Asia.

After two years I’m still deciding whether
It’s a lack of quality people or quality me.
Probably both, right?

I feel so wide open now that I have
Traveled and used bucket showers,
Seen fire dance sunrises and sets,
An endangered species butchered on its back.

A friend, the best-kind, rise and fall so
Many times before an ultimate
Earth shattering demise.

But also Her death was not her demise.
Beauty thrives, yet, in the darkest depths of
The human experience.

Also:
Impermanence, so.

I sit, so very baffled in
My own existential quandary
(Which prevents me from peace,
usually at night).

Where are the lines?
People see lines.
The lines signal where the
Convictions exist and
I think that once those lines
Become real for a person, there
Is much peace.

I was a different person in
Many ways back when I could
Spar about Anything in a convicted,
Solid way.

Much more firm in my convictions
About virtually everything that hadn’t
Anything to do with ***/uality.

When I hear people speak with conviction,
When I see people stand up for themselves
In a calm, assertive, graceful way,
I envy it and I feel: loss.

Now, if I am in mixed company and I am
Being questioned, I often don’t have the words
(I feel less articulate than ever these days!)

I feel heart palpitations,
An electricity that originates
In my chest and miniature-lightening-bolts
Its way
To my finger tips
(Like Raiden)


When I reprimand my SOC4 students
For being generally disrespectful,
I can always rein it in,
But I feel the heat creep up to my
Adam’s apple,
Just in time for me to save face

I feel more sensitive:
If someone is very direct
In a negative way, it bothers me in
A way that it didn’t before.

Something as simple as
Not being able to reach an
Agreement about what time
To go swimming.

Bianca mentioned on Monday that
We should go swimming on Wednesday
If she could get rid of her chest cold.

She emails me Tuesday night and I say:
“Sure: Is 1:15 ok?”

“Let’s make it 1. Evenskis?”

“I don’t leave my classroom until
12:30 and I will need a minute to eat lunch.
1:30 is even enough?”

“No. You said the other day that you finish
At 12 and I want to get home early with
Enough time for a full hour of swimming.
We don’t have to go swimming together.”

“Uuuuuh. Ok.”

So irksome! ****!

I don’t know how to think about this.

If I am reasonable, it’s:
“Ok. It’s very possible I misspoke about my schedule.
She has her **** going on, I don’t know her
Schedule. What I have going on is not more important
Than what she has going on.
Sometimes things don’t work out.”

But this **** isn’t sitting right with me.

“No.” made my heart sink.

“You said…” made me feel like she was
Using my own words against me.

Because I know that she doesn’t work,
I feel like she is being needlessly inflexible
To exercise control of the situation or to be
A martyr.

Gross!

I feel this way from a simple inability to
Patch a 30 minute window together!

I do not feel as strong as I once did.
I do not feel as social as I once was.
I feel like I am standing on firmer ground,
But this seems to have come with a  price.

The Pettiest of **** will either annoy
The **** out of me, or will upset me in a
Way that has me over analyzing the hell out
Of it.

I keep telling myself that there is **** I can do to work
It out. (Liking writing this poem right now. Or talking
To Carla or Heather or Kate).

“Baggage follows you. You can’t leave it on a train platform in Carlsbad.”

That a change of scenery isn’t going to fix it.

But, **** that.

Yes: what is within is very important.
Yes: sorting your **** out will help with outlook and
Perception of environment.

BUT environment is huge too!

Rudolph Giuliani hired a chief of police who
Saw that if you clean a subway car, paint over the graffiti
Every single night,
Graffiti artists will eventually give up.

And taking public transit becomes so much more
Pleasant. People think: “Someone is respecting this space, maybe
I should too.”

And people stop ******* up the subway cars inside and out.
Which leads to people being more likely to pay
Instead of jumping the turnstiles.

Which leads to fewer crimes happening in the underground.

And from there, they deduced that if they made
Neighborhoods less dilapidated and invested time, money
And consistency into maintaining the environment, ****** rates plummet!

Which they did because the movement Tipped.

So there’s that.

Give me a beach and warm, clean air.

Give me a mountain and a lake, hiking trails and occasional tokes.

Give me CLEAN AIR! Please. ****.

Give me people who smile and don’t trample one another.

Give me people who do not hate or ignore one another.

Give me community.

Give me a people who accept who I am.

~~~

I am exchanging intelligence for wisdom.
And so I soften.
Feb 2017 · 381
Cristo
Vince Chul'Theg Feb 2017
I have never
(and hopefully
never will be again)
Secretly in such deep
Love with someone

Piano, guitar, trumpet, drums, voice
Brilliant in his ability
To absorb knowledge
His mind a sponge

Consistently chill
Not easily riled

Persistently positive
And funny

When we met I was
An overweight, ******
Textbook closet case
Face in textbooks

Eating and smoking
To fill the void

I’d find any reason at all
To spend time with him

Tennis?
Sure!, Let’s go!

Dinner out?
Who’s driving?

Monty Hall Piano Room?
Let me spark this joint first.

What’s worse was that I
Loved (and still love and adore)
His then girlfriend

And so it was this strange
Situation where I loved
The couple, was secretly
Obsessed with the boy
And so jealous of the girl

But I was too ashamed and
Self-aware to be nasty to her
Because it wasn’t her fault

Shame so locked in my marrow
I couldn’t even project
The insecurity it created

Cristo and Lirah
Would go out for a romantic
Dinner and I’d feel
More alone in those moments
Than any other

So I’d smoke and do school work
Or walk through the woods with Nayla
Or go eat with Jireh

~~~

Side bar: So it turned out that
Jireh had a big ‘ol thing for me

I was so blind because
Of my behavioral asexuality
‘Locked in’ gayness
Love for Cristo

I may have led her on for like, years.
That’s ******.

And John had a thing for Jireh

Weird love non-triangles
All over the ******* place

- - -

We drank so much

I remember drinking every day for
The last month of my junior year
In WC14

Movie night?
Word: White Russians
Pair well with Bladerunner

My shame was so strong that
Even when I was blacked out
(Or nearly blacked out)
I could still use a Treuschler
Bathroom to ****

Then stare at myself in the mirror
And be disgusted with my
Own reflection

“You love him.
You love Cristo.”

“You’re ******* gay, bro.”
“SAY IT. "

"TO ANYONE.”

. . .

“******* coward.”

Shame slicing right
Through the shitfacedness
For self chastisement

- - -

I told him I was gay
At a club in Baltimore a few days
Before I left for Micronesia

He said: “Where are we going
for your send off?”

I said: “The Hippo.”

He said: “You know that’s a
gay bar, right?”

“Yeah, man. It’s cool.”

I told him after returning from
Peace Corps
That I’d been in love
With him in our college
Years

Cool, collected and responsive
As usual, he said:

“Thank you.”
Feb 2017 · 289
Sister Sorry
Vince Chul'Theg Feb 2017
The person on earth
I share the most
Genetic makeup
And history with

Always supportive
Of me

Without question

How blessed I am.

I’m not sure sisters like
This just come around

What’s more:
For the most part she was ok
With letting me steal her
Barbies and blue
Tutu

She’s had problems with
Her wrist since
She fell on the playground in
Elementary School and broke it

Like all her childhood possessions,
I was jealous of her
Cast
Neon green and signed

I was living with my
Mom at J.M.'s house
When we were unloading
Groceries from the back
Of his grey truck

The competitive *******
I was, I pushed her while she was bringing
Heavy bags of groceries down
Off of the truck’s bed

She fell back on her ***
And braced her fall with
Her hands

Shooting pain right through
Her bad wrist

She grit her teeth and
Carried the groceries
In behind me crying
Because she couldn’t
Handle the pain

[I’m sure I would have
thrown the plastic food-filled
bags to the asphalt and started
screaming at me]

Those tears

This moment

I would take back
For anything
I'm sorry.
Apr 2014 · 1.0k
Soon
Vince Chul'Theg Apr 2014
Put genitals in your mouth
No one bats an eye
Eat a chip off the floor
After five seconds
People lose their ****

Whirl down Cupid’s Hill
Post office bound
Island air and golden sun bars
Through moon roof

Corner pocket
Western union
Mow down island dogs
Kintaro

Please mow down as many as possible
You love dogs?
I do too.

But, no, it’s the humane thing to do
Otherwise they cry all night
With suicide eyes
But no pointer fingers to
Pull the trigger

Or tug-of-war
A baby piglet in half

Red spray painted
Toe nails

And
I lose sleep
And get nasty with
Unsuspecting writing students
All day Thursday

And
Besides
It’s not like they
Won’t be dinner for
Your neighbors
anyway

Be weary
Menwai are tricky here
Find one who is the ****
And spend your time with them

Better yet
Choose a westernized local
Someone who knows and
Respects both sides

Because
For some reason
Menwai lack any ******* semblance
Of depth and loyalty
In paradise

No, no
If you want integrity and honesty
A westernized local is the way to go
You dig

Because who knows if that
One Adonis
“Friend” of yours won’t
Keep a secret local girl friend
Locked away in his forbidden,
No trespassing 4TY apartment

And **** all the girlfriends
You confided your feelings in
For said
Statuesque Portland haling
Lawyer
“Friend”
In your apartment

Lies
Fairytales
And fallacies

Get me off this rock
If only for a weekend
On Black Coral or Nahlap

I can eat ramen for days
Ratted, greezy and
Scattered-*** ramen packs

Two Kool-aid red fingertips
Away from grasping
Something that at least
RESEMBLES confidence
And security

Because when your
“Curls and Gurls”
Best Peace Corps mate
Isn’t around to make you
Laugh till tears
Laugh at the absurdity
So that you can feel:
“At Last!
Grounded.”

You allow your brain and heart to
Meet in that covert cloud
Looming above
Decrepit Kolonia-town

But,
   But:

THE TEEJ MALI says:
More free
More free
So far surviving slum and street

Wearing these scars
Just as he is meant
To be

So you know ****’s
Gonna be alright

Soon
Vince Chul'Theg Nov 2013
He kept trying
Over, and Over, and Over
To take Her home

Being a good ****-block
Grew tiresome the more I
Drank

He started to beg Me
Because I never leave her alone
Not even on
One-night-stands

I kept telling him
He is a ****
Shut up

One last time:
Erin, come on!
"**** no!"

"I'll make you a grilled cheese."

"Yes!, let's go!"

I slept on the couch
His bathroom vanity
Is filled with anti-balding
Creams

Maybe his insecurities
Are a part of his
Slutiness

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I miss Micronesia food

I wanna eat gross ramen
Greasy **** in a ***** bowl

Went to the grocery store with Jesse:
"find the cheapest ****"
White rice

I ate four bowls of it
So good

**** yes!

The kids used to fight
Knock each other around
Scrounging
Over ***** of  white rice
Even the four day old
Rotten ones

Because they were always better
Than the rotten boiled bananas

She thinks to herself:
"Nothing will ever
Be this fun again"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The girls I teach with are nice
But I don't have a white-collar
Sense of humor

My humor is filthy
So I stay quiet

People at work don't know
How funny I am

Seven of them are pregnant right now
We'll be ******* in a few months

They talk about how there feet
Grow as their pregnancies progress
******* fascinating

My closest friend there in the
Kindergarten pod doesn't drink
So we only get so far
Nov 2013 · 1.4k
What is that? (for Davey)
Vince Chul'Theg Nov 2013
I guess I feel threatened by your strength
I guess I feel threatened by your beauty
I build brick layers between us.

What is that?

She ushered me to that golden path of sacred
My hands seek but grasp not
But there is something there to be taken
Why the blinders?
Why the stammer?

I have never been so confused
‘Olobeouch,’ the Yapese say
A tangling predicament worth
Unraveling with a fine-tooth
Bamboo comb

What about awareness
Emotional terror both by day
And by night
The subtle insidious kind
Calm waves of sad

Inertia creeps

What is that?

How do I heal when--
(and thanks for putting words to it, Rudy):
When it feels like the arms of my
Clock have arthritis?

Ship wreck on the wrong shore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My feelings for you have grown needlessly ornate
Yours for me, simple

Sullivan says:
Friendship is underrated
Because of its inherent
Ability to be so earthen
So organic
And, thus
Conceptualized
Less

So why have I built
Nonsensical negativity?
Self-sabotage

What is that?
I’m not that guy.

I told you:
“I want so much more of you than I need”
I didn’t know at the time that I got it twisted

Maybe:
I need you more than I want to admit

Love the one you’re with

I idealized, romanticized the **** out of you
Before I even came back

I shot myself
Big toe on rifle trigger

A nice distraction from more
Pressing issues?

What is that?

I thought I was alone
But you reminded me
I am not

I can’t tell you how much that means to me

Those words:
Struck match
In a dark room

I’ve not let anyone acknowledge or
Sympathize with my lingering ache
Much less help anyone understand it

What is that?
I’m not that guy
I’ve never been that guy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

­
I let news of:
Thousands killed by super typhoon
Refugee birth
******* hunter casualty
Child victim of AIDS
Remind me that my pain is small

Pretending that that news is
Good enough to build perspective
And deal with pain
When it isn’t

“We accept the love we think we deserve”
I guess I thought I didn’t deserve you
Thank you for reminding me that that is
Not Truth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~

Ask me unprovoked questions
By the sea, under a tree
Whisper me stardust

Because one day I want to say:
Love me for the man I’ve become
Not the man I was

I touch the tip of your nose
Nov 2013 · 2.1k
Saying Goodbyes
Vince Chul'Theg Nov 2013
~~Overwhelmed by the raw talent and emotion with which my students think and feel and write. Thank you, A.N.--Chuukese woman~~


Early in the morning
When the dark cloud covers the light
And hides my brother from seeing the light

I woke up along shocking news
That glazed my face with sadness
Brought tears to my eyes

I heard an awful voice
Coming from the mangroves
Just right after my brother
Hung himself with a thin rope

The voice said that
He had to find a hat
Before Uncle Priston
Forced him to drink the poison

I smell his perfume
When I start to feel the pain
In my heart

I feel the cold air
When he appears in my dreams
And he touches me with his cold hands
Apologizes to me

We cry to each other
Among the mangrove trees
Hugging each other
Talking about the truth

I lost his warm hands
And his warm heart
That blocked the cold air
From entering our house

His love and his memory will not be forgotten
But I hide it in a secret place
Because his love was exactly like a fire
That makes the people feel warm
As they come closer



by A.N.
representing Chuuk, Federated States of Micronesia
Oct 2013 · 1.4k
Box of You
Vince Chul'Theg Oct 2013
Bible
Cigarette
31 candles
Death Certificate
Eulogy
Memorial Service Program
Obituary
May 2012 letter from Erin
Two crocodiles
African Coffee
A Crucifix
Crucifix
Avett Brothers

Jade's love
Rob's love (a Lion's love)

Ashes

You and your favorites

So:
Go Ahead
Chuck tonight's stardust
Through the screen door

I don't mind my freckle's
Illuminati

Confirm:
Scar tissue's
a weaker skin
seal, yes?

Your ashes in my hand
Beneath a bag of
Japanese sand

Same fate:
Ocean

A USPS
Worker slapped
the "Cremated Remains"
Sticker on the box of
You

$25 and 8,000 miles

You in a box

I lay you on
Bob Marley's
Freedom Song

Item by item
I cry

A scar tissue
tear
    and tears

I'll learn to dance with
A limp like
Anne Lamott does

I  still crave much more
Of you than I need

But:
Who knew palm fronds
Are lined in metal too?

Memories that
Don't fade    (illuminate)
Don't stale    (crisp)
Don't mold   (cleanse)

So
Attach a bag of dust
to a day dream's balloon

Send you off to my
fondest memories

To the sea
To the sea
To the sea
Sep 2013 · 1.2k
To You, Straight Man
Vince Chul'Theg Sep 2013
When it all goes quiet
Behind my eyes
What I feel is the paradoxical
dissonance of comfort and frustration
coursing through my veins

When it is quiet,
Existential and emotional
Weirdnesses hit like
A five year-old
Soft-armed vice grip
Around my puppy dog
Chest and knees

Squeeze, burn, repeat
Like some ****** up
Manila slum beauty salon
where This type of shampoo
Burns my eyes for days, weeks

Not just for that moment before
Approaching the eye-rinse station

Because you seek the kind of validation
And appreciation of your masculinity
That your wife, girlfriend, children, parents
And Soccer bro's do not afford you

And I know it is my fault
--the gay community warns against
falling for the charms of the man who--
Oh yes--will love you

But not the way you love him.

That is, of course
Unless you can coax, ****
And dump him like he has done
To so many girls

But

I am still blessed with
The ability to feel and share
The warmth of my mother's
Gray eyes, and arms, and
Sun-dried blankets

For what--if not this--
Am I really here for?

I overflow with colors
From that rainbow
pressed into the Earth's clay

So let the geyser gush
I guess

And in the meantime
I will search for sacred and
Grace-dipped patience.
Aug 2013 · 2.1k
Obituary Note
Vince Chul'Theg Aug 2013
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

you prepared me for this
and i can't decide whether
it's ok for me to feel as relieved
as I do when I am not crying

i've never felt so much instant pain
and relief all at once
so confusing-- my ****** lady
who walks like a trucker

piebald nightcaps
tree terrace
800+ hours
miles upon miles of cigarettes

dengue.
my heart.
my heart.
you brought me to Christ

you showed that God is love
you've left such a huge rainbow
in the earth's clay
i miss you
i want you

but I don't need you now
you know that
we know that
my heart.

you dreamt me and robbie
will one day meet
we will
and it won't be incredibly soon

--but it doesnt matter.

promise brothers
promise sister
Ngariy.
please hug Tithinfal for me

i'm glad you are with him now
im trying to go to Yap on Tuesday
for a week to see Ray and Celine
and the kids

to see Tingin
our spots the island wide
the tunnel behind peace corps
i inadequatley described to you

but that you can now see
and feel
with ****** yapese local music
blaring in the background

i'll be fine
you know I will
with heart on fire
I reach out to you tonight

all nights.

i'll find Zeyto
i'll hug him
those eyes

i'll sit in Gilin's kitchen and chainsmoke
i'll make you proud
i'll spread your word
i'll spread your message

i'll spread your love
i'll make it to Africa
and ill see you again
before we both know it

i love you.
and i'm good
ill learn to dance with a limp

rug baadagem ni odig, tinmad
gu baadagem.

forever
forever
forever

go rest
Aug 2013 · 2.5k
Obituary Note
Vince Chul'Theg Aug 2013
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

you prepared me for this
and i can't decide whether
it's ok for me to feel as relieved
as I do when I am not crying

i've never felt so much instant pain
and relief all at once
so confusing-- my ****** lady
who walks like a trucker

piebald nightcaps
tree terrace
800+ hours
miles upon miles of cigarettes

dengue.
my heart.
my heart.
you brought me to Christ

you showed that God is love
you've left such a huge rainbow
in the earth's clay
i miss you
i want you

but I don't need you now
you know that
we know that
my heart.

you dreamt me and robbie
will one day meet
we will
and it won't be incredibly soon

--but it doesnt matter.

promise brothers
promise sister
Ngariy.
please hug Tithinfal for me

i'm glad you are with him now
im trying to go to Yap on Tuesday
for a week to see Ray and Celine
and the kids

to see Tingin
our spots the island wide
the tunnel behind peace corps
i inadequatley described to you

but that you can now see
and feel
with ****** yapese local music
blaring in the background

i'll be fine
you know I will
with heart on fire
I reach out to you tonight

all nights.

i'll find Zeyto
i'll hug him
those eyes

i'll sit in Gilin's kitchen and chainsmoke
i'll make you proud
i'll spread your word
i'll spread your message

i'll spread your love
i'll make it to Africa
and ill see you again
before we both know it

i love you.
and i'm good
ill learn to dance with a limp

rug baadagem ni odig, tinmad
gu baadagem.

forever
forever
forever

go rest
Vince Chul'Theg Jun 2013
Life can be painless
Provided there is sufficient
Peacefulness

For a dozen or so rituals
To be repeated simply
Endlessly

Your genius does not fail you
It allows you to understand the
Truth of the situation;
Which makes you--at times--
more tragic than ever

And your genius,
like all geniuses
Suffers periodic fits
of monumental
naïveté
Hi-**

Listen:
Where is Grace
When milk and blood
Are about to be added
To the composition of the
Stinking ping-pong
***** being manufactured
In Grand Rapids?

Schizophrenia
The sound and appearance
Of the word fascinates

It sounds and looks to me
Like a human being
Sneezing in a blizzard of
Soapflakes

This much we know:
You made yourself hideously
Uncomfortable by not narrowing
Your attention to details
Of life that were immediately
Important

And by refusing to believe what
Your neighbors believed
Hi-**

Let your imagination continue
To be the flywheel on the
Ramshackle machinery of the truth.

But not the ‘awful’ truth

The ‘beauty’ in truth

Because we are a part
Of a system that is very
Restless,
With people tearing around
All the time

Every so often,
somebody stops to put up
A monument

Ours is a country where
Everybody is expected to
Pay his own bills for
Everything,
And one of the most
Expensive things a person
Can do is get sick

Grace:
Because if we stay here
We’ll do one of two things
(or both!)

Build a Commune

Or do like Collin Heise did:
Make the main thing that we
do be this:
Move seventy-eight
Thousand pounds of olives
To Tulsa, Oklahoma

Even if we can’t
Improve the quality of our surroundings
We’ll do our best to make our
Insides beautiful instead

Piebald Roadtrip-writing, baby
Hi-**

You are the turtle
able to live anywhere
even under water for short periods

With your home on your back

A particular comfort in
Realizing that it so often feels
There is no order in the
World around us

That we must adapt ourselves to
The requirements of
Chaos instead

Remember:
We are healthy
Only to the extent that
Our ideas are
Humane

To you
To me
To ourselves
To We
Hi-**



*Inspired by the words of Kurt Vonnegut in "Slapstick" and "Breakfast of Champions"*
May 2013 · 678
tinmad
Vince Chul'Theg May 2013
tinmad--mogfan e baa e ameeth?
bu uw e ameeth rom?

uw lulegem?
uw soul rom?
uw spirit rom?

heart? odim?

mangil e time ko message nag uw inbox rog.
wenig ngom a chiney.
kug kireb thinking about you.

message nag e chiney or as soon as you can.
wenig ngom.
wenig ngom.

kammagar ko time rom.
kammagar ko love rom.
kammagar ko understanding rom.

ma gubaadagem, tinmad.
gubadaagem.
gubaadagem

~ ~ ~

Love is patient/Love is kind

--Chultheg

...and don't forget to find your breath.
   ...  
real breath.
Vince Chul'Theg Apr 2013
weaving these paths with a lost sense of compass
insouciant stroll when leaves crunch under toe
earth and dirt, green smell

the sign says no horses
and an arrow points up

the sun's fingers comb
dry wood and ask:

what is complacency?

'Lost self-sense,' J said;
eyes drooping, Hoku mind heavy

if the turtle wants to feel the spirit
then he must walk slow

ride the current from
Indonesia to Ngulu
Jamming in the name of the Lord
like Robbie does

and identify renewed, redemption song
let us praise the Lord

the jungle is cleaning her feathers
she says: My favorite
I say: My pleasure

Laugh and pause--
no unheard cause

feel the light happening through you
and rebuild your pieces

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''­''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
­Written by: Vince Chul'theg, MasikaniCorcodile and CrackPipeKenny (SpiderManJump)
Mar 2013 · 1.7k
Viola's Rocking Chair
Vince Chul'Theg Mar 2013
I woke from the deepest of daydreams,
my eyes focusing after being long glazed over.

It’s late in the afternoon-- the light pours through the window—
it draws across above my left shoulder.  

The tea kettle whistles
like a freight train in the background.

She’s in the kitchen, but I can easily see
her veiny hands dropping the Earl Grey tea ball
into the scolding water.

—her hands, like old softly crumpled white paper.  

The same routine, every day since
great granddad passed in 1961.

Rock forward, rock backward.

What time could it be? Was I out for long?
Fresh cut grass, the familiar smell of lawn and moth ball
I so readily identify with this old Victorian house built by my family.

Evermore, the scent of kerosene dances
with the freshness of bologna and tomato sandwiches
on lightly toasted pumpernickel bread.

Where’s that 1000 piece puzzle with kittens in a basket?
Long gone?

I guess it’s been over a decade since me and my sister
last conquered that puzzle and strategically placed
connected and sectioned chunks  
back in the box for easy assemblage on future rainy days.

Rock forward, rock backward.

Her first step from kitchen tile to wood planks
sets off a chain reaction of creeks and moans
that only wood of this age and wear can produce.  

She enters the sitting room, puts the tea tray atop
the white baby grand piano: “tea time, honey,”
she whispers with a crooked smile and sad eyes.

Rock forward, rock backward.
Mar 2013 · 860
Notes from the Pink Inside
Vince Chul'Theg Mar 2013
Why do we hurt each other
Why does reputation and ego fuel conflict
Good and evil
We have both—but why

Fear

Spray paint “***” in pink on that kid’s locker
Back-bitten turned backs seek satisfaction

The closet
Closets churn monstersecrets
Hypocrisy’s scarf weaves deliberately around two hangers

The gay kid is the first to scream ******
And louder than the others

Do you know the gay kid’s heart
when the outing is seen coming—it’s the worst
the time between ‘getting caught’
and
being ‘outed’ is the most fatal

heart and soul in throat then writhe
a darkness that’s curdled and sour

tears  follow their predecessors tracks
on a twisted, wizened face
red lightbulb eyebrows
the chispa releases fear and tension
choked spine back bend in bed

--and social media
Displaced reality
Magnified consciousness
Reread, recheck, redo
Perpetuate and recreate the wound
Contagion medium

everyone has to come out somehow
in some way

drop the hate
drop the leather belts
rope
blade
pills
gun
alcohol
cough syrup
… house hold products

we have too many outs
shed the closet and shed your doubts
Vince Chul'Theg Mar 2013
The night we went to that club in Seoul
And danced with Hot Toby

We got back to the hostel and we were staying in the
Basement that night

I was so sick, needed to pass out
And proceeded to use a shirt
As a snot rag throughout my sleep

I woke up and the shirt had turned to solid concrete
Boogers cement

We had to wake up early
We went to go look at temples

I didn’t wash that shirt
I just wore it

And I remember needing to pass out
All day; so sick I couldn’t taste anything
Not even Kimchi

And I said to myself
"I just need to party"

So we went out that night
I didn’t change
My clothes
Mar 2013 · 1.1k
Quinn: 'Pin Nu Wa'ab
Vince Chul'Theg Mar 2013
I taught English as a Peace Corps Volunteer on a small island in the Federated States of Micronesia. The following is an account of one of my student's most treasured memories.**

'''

My most treasured memory was very sad.
We were at the hospital, everybody crying
and I just couldn’t breathe

I looked from my mother to my father
and they were both out of words
with tears streaming down their faces.

I felt like my heart was gripped so tight
I could not move a single joint.

We watched my little brother struggle
through the pain of his last breath.

I was not close with my brother;
we fought all of the time and sometimes
he just scared the hell out of me when he
lost control.

He threw everything he could reach
and hit me with anything he had in his hand.
I was just a nuisance and an annoying girl
so we were different people because
he is so speechless and very shy.

He had a very bad temper and it ruled him
when he got mad.

He was such a handsome young boy.

I stood there crying with all the other people
and he called my name.
I knelt down beside his bed and took his hand,
crying so hard I could not talk or see him
with the tears pooling and sliding down my face.

He looked at me and said
“I’m sorry about fighting and hurting you,”
barely in a whisper.

I clutched his hand even tighter.
He said, “I didn’t mean to hurt you,
I just got mad and couldn’t stop myself
from doing so.

Q, take care of mom and dad,
I can’t because I think I’m going to die.”

I was screaming at him by then
saying that he is not going to die.
Every word he said he struggled to get out.

My mom was pulling me away
but I could not be led away.

She was pleading and begging me
but I would not budge.
He was having a seizure by that time
and the doctor was with my mom pulling me away
and, for an instant, I thought my dad was going to slap me.

But he held me in his arms and told me not to cry
because everything was going to be alright.
I calmed down and knelt by the bed with my dad next to me—
he held my hand and squeezed it.
I held my brother’s hand with my other hand
and he looked at me with sad painful eyes
and everything went still.

My mom screamed and my dad froze
and I just cried even harder.

I pulled my hand from my dad and gathered
my brother in my arms and started to cry,
scream and shake him.

It took both my mom and aunt to loosen my grip on him
and my dad pulled me into his arms again.

This memory is so attached to me because
only once in my life have I been held by my dad;
slept in my mother’s arms.

And for the first time, my brother told me
comforting words and asked my forgiveness.

Everything was first-and-last because my family
blames me for my brother’s death.

I was treated so badly after that
but those moments were so comforting
beautiful and sad.

I love my family.
They just don’t love me
as much as I love them.

       My most treasured memory
       Happened when I was eleven.

       No one knows what tomorrow will bring.
       Maybe it will change.
Mar 2013 · 4.0k
Crocodile Tears
Vince Chul'Theg Mar 2013
“but if you have to move your best friend’s body…
…you’re on your own.”

Your best friend dies
Before your eyes
Somehow stays alive
Then what?

***** salt-licked hair
Brittle and frayed by medicine
World’s unfathomable weight
Trembling beneath the Wisdom Tree

Her whole being crumples (arrugar)
But her life-force remains intact
Body bone
Running on spirit reserves
Why is that?

She stands and cries
Staring into ether
I sit
Wringing my hands

Her tears strike the ground
In tree-gecko unison

'''

Pacific parasite super-strains
Blood coated throat
The full range of abuse’s color on all fronts
for decades
Attempted assaults, ****
Dengue
Giant Centipede venom to the skull

But worst of all
Rootlessness and fear

the monkey on her back
had a monkey on its back
   and was smoking a cigarette

'''

Have you ever seen someone
Completely broken?

Corpsic shell of a woman
Gaunt, wan in the tropics

“Don’t put your trust in walls…
…walls will only crush you when they fall”

Brick-bludgeoned body
The shrapnel lay like
Sun scorched
Novice-woven baskets
At her feet

But now she can see
And breath
Real breath

'''
Genocide’s a *****, yes.

Africans seem fatalistic to Americans
Baby boy body, Grandpa human- shield

“They’re your babies”
Short-lived, yes
But now they have peace

Witnesses still weave the jungle

What do you do with a friend who’s
Seen real atrocity? Evil?

'''

I’m learning.

Prayer is power
Will transcends the concrete (Bunkle, too.)

She serves realness only
Her seeking hands unweave the sacred
Time is of no luxury right now

Serve people through love
and Grace awaits discovery

'''
I’ve never carried a bleeding body.
I needn’t “fear the terror by night,
Nor the arrow by day”

But I saw someone perish
And resurrect

What a gift
What a gift

Gubaadagem, Tinmad.
Feb 2013 · 672
Favorite Quotes by Rumi
Vince Chul'Theg Feb 2013
It may be that the satisfaction I need depends on my going away, so that when I've gone and come back, I'll find it at home.
--Rumi

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
― Rumi

The wound is the place where the Light enters you.
― Rumi

Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free.
― Rumi
Feb 2013 · 967
books for sale
Vince Chul'Theg Feb 2013
four hours fighting tears
because here we patronize
and speak not to communicate
but to belittle and confuse

how can this be when connections
are smooth for days
and from day one?

is this the nature of retail?
but we facilitate thought
and knowledge through
booksales

I cannot read the preface to
Malinowski's brilliance
when we are slow?

coconuts, betelnuts and waves
I am on my way

— The End —