We're almost touching.
we were walking side by side,
you're talking about cabs in your hometown.
I can feel the gravity of your hand, calling my fingers
whispering "it's alright."

We're touching but not quite.
you held my shoulder to protect me from the passing cars.
and for the first time in a long while, I felt so fragile.
In this world where I find it hard even to breathe,
you believed me.

I almost said it.
All I need is one ounce of strength to tell you every single thing that I have ever felt about you.

I want to find home in your collarbones.
Would you be kind enough to let a stranger in?
I want to seep in your being because I'm cold.
The world is harsh and my cracks are aching.

Almost.

You stuck to me
Like coffee stains on my shirt and
Like paint under my fingernails;
I could romanticize your pressence as much as I want
But the truth is that you are nothing but filth.

I wanted to wash you and
All the memories we've made
But I just can't seem to scrub you away.
I tried and tried and tried
Until my eyes were red
Until my knuckles were bruised
Until I sank to my bed
Until I drowned in *****
Until my body was dead.

But, it was too late to wash off the filth and dust
That you made me believe, were glitter and fluff
For you have seeped into the deepest crevices of my life
To spread your virus of lovely lies.

You made me think that bacteria was dopamine
And this disease was love.

We were born in a world that didn't want us, tried to swim in waters that wanted to drown us. Living in a world where mans deep rooted connotations regarding our pigmentation was fueled by medias accusations. We ain't have have enough money for the litigations, I guess slavery ain't deserve no reparations. Instead y'all made movies that make you famous. Filming on the tears of many nations. I wasnt even meant to write about this, I was thinking about love. But how does one find the strength to love when breathing is hard

the distance between us felt further the moment i was in your arms. your words were as empty as the wine bottles on your mantle, your kisses were needles filled with lidocaine.
laying in your bed felt like laying in a coffin. i wasn't really there. you weren't really there, either. the streetlights illuminated these lies we told ourselves in a soft, yellow wash.
i remembered as your breathing slowed that you didn't know my last name. the exposed brick walls taunted me with the whispers of pasts until dawn. the sun rose patiently. you didn't say a word when you walked me to the door.
i've realized love does not exist within the confines of your bedroom. it might not even exist within the confines of your heart.
you told me you were afraid you could never love anyone again. i took that as a challenge like a bird to a glass door. smash, blood, regret.

Beautiful one, you are more Beautiful than a Golden Sunrise.
You are more Sweeter than a whole bakery restaurant too.
You are the driving Sun warmth brushing against my face.
You are the fresh Pool of water that feeds the thirst of the thirsty.
You are everything that I always need and want as well.
There is none other that I would choose over you always.
You are the Fresh Fruit that fills my Hunger every time.
You are the sweet sound of a new born first cry too.
You are the touch of the warm breeze against my arm.

he only loves me when he’s drunk and I know that is wrong but i cannot stop my hand from pouring the bottle

and maybe if I wasn't so afraid of being alone I would not answer his 3 am call


perhaps if I could feel his skin against mine one more time the numbness would go away forever.

his kisses taste like raspberry ***** but that’s not why I get drunk off him

there is something intoxicating in the way he slurs my name
beckoning me to his dark silhouette

as his nose is pressed against mine his hot breath fans over my lips
      “i love you”
and in that moment I forget that he is on drink number 23

in that moment I cannot remember the taste of the tears spilled over him

I cannot remember the decibel his voice hits when he’s had too much and the dog is giving him that look of disappointment and the the TV is too bright

when he kisses me I forget the time he forgot my birthday and the temperature of his hands when he leads me upstairs

there is something in the way he holds me that gets me drunk off him, but he only loves me when he’s drunk


and maybe one day i’ll love myself enough to not need his love

Noong araw na sinabi mo saakin ang salitang “Gusto kita”, nayanig ako.
Hindi ko alam pero nayanig ng sobrang tindi ang pagkatao ko. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot kasi nga diba natulala ako. Pakiramdam ko, lumutang ako sa langit. Yung tipong ayoko na umalis. Araw araw mo saakin pinaparamdam ang mga salitang binitawan mo. Gusto kita. Araw araw **** pinaparamdam ang kasiyahan saakin.

Pero, bakit? bakit bigla ka nalang naglaho? Ewan ko ba kung may nagawa ako, pero feeling ko naman wala. Sinanay mo ako sa salitang “Gusto kita” pero bakit bigla ka nalang nawala? Hanggang isang araw, bumalik ka. Hindi ko alam pero bigla ko nalang ulit naramdaman ang pagyanig nang sa wakas, sinabi mo ulit.
Naisip ko na panahon na siguro para umamin kaya sinabi ko ang mga salitang “mahal kita”. Sinabi mo ulit ang mga salitang “Gusto kita” pero hindi lang pala yun ang gusto mo sabihin. Sa ating pag uusap biglang umulan ng sobrang lakas. Aalis na sana ako ngunit bigla mo akong hinigit at sin among “Kakausapin muna kita”. Ngumiti ako dahil alam kong ang sasabihin nya lang naman saakin ay ang mga salitang “Gusto kita” pero mali. Sa pagbuhos ng ulan naramdaman ko ang lamig.


Naramdaman ko ang lamig ngunit mas naramdaman ko ang muling pagyanig. Akala ko sasabihin nya ang salitang “gusto kita” o kaya sa wakas ay masasabi nya na ang “mahal din kita” pero hindi. Niyanig mo ako muli. Niyanig mo ako sa ilalim ng ulan dahil sa anim na salita na sinabi mo.

“Ginusto lang kita pero hindi kita minahal”.

σε παγωμένη λίμνη θα πέσω/

με ένα τρεμούλιασμα στο σώμα/

τριχούλες ανυψώνονται προς  ουρανόν/

θα βυθιστεί με θέληση μέχρι τον πάτο/

με  σώμα να αφουγκράζεται / μόνο / ναι μόνο/

χορός μέσ  το νερό/ που αναρωτιέται για μένα /

με κυκλικούς  κυματισμούς/ ποια είμαι/
τι θέλω/
που πάω


© Μαρία Πανούτσου
Αδημοσίευτη ποιητική συλλογή

I'm covered in the stain of my own past regressions
I'm buried in the pain of old and new obsessions
I'm crying out in vain, can you hear my confessions
I'm smiling in the rain to hide these tears