There’s something you should know about me.
I think now I came forward and spoke some truth,
So maybe you could understand
The words that sometimes get splattered across your screen.
You see, here’s the thing.
When you read a piece of my writings,
You are privy to my inner most emotions,
My inner most thoughts,
Ones that aren’t spoken aloud often if ever.
I for the most part am a private person,
I keep my emotions bottled
And this is my release.
If I were to be what is deep down inside,
I would be that girl, and we all know one,
Who cries at the drop of the hat,
And has too many feelings,
That she needs to share with you.
The one has too many opinions, the one that falls in love with the stranger she passes by on the street,
The one that feels every single ******* emotion so deeply
That her heart breaks every single day.
I am not even tempered,
When I am up I am way up,
When I am down, I am the lowest of lows,
I try to stay even tempered on the outside,
Because for your average human, this quite frightening.
My heart is constantly sliced wide open,
I let people in too close and I feel everything that people bring to my table.
So I use my writing to bare my soul,
Without raising alarm to those around me.
So if you ever see writing,
And you wonder to yourself
‘Is she really ok?’
Yeah, I am.
You are just seeing my soul,
And my soul,
Is so glad to be heard sometimes.

I’ve noticed the way you look at me,
Across the room we lock eyes,
We smile,
And then usually someone comes along and our attention is redirected.
You wish me a good morning every single morning,
I can see you trying to hide your excitement to see me.
Can I tell you a secret?
I’m excited too.
But alas, you have a girlfriend.
Of course you have told me about her,
&& Of course all of her faults,
Trying to pretend she doesn’t exist
For the brief moments we spend with each other.
Your friend,
Or should I say HER friend,
Can feel the electricity between us,
So he puts himself between us any chance he can.
It’s what a good friend would do after all.
We laugh and I tell you all my crazy tales,
And I can see the twinkle in your eyes,
Wondering what it would be like to love
A soul as wild as mine.
But every night you go back
To the safe cocoon she has created,
But I can see the fire in your eyes,
Wanting to break free
Of the hole you have created you call a home.
We could be a thing,
I have let my thoughts wander
To think of the stories that could be written,
But I can tell you aren’t brave enough
To break free of the quiet life
Of societal expectations of what you should do.
So I’ll take your quiet stares, the compliments you whisper,
The times you race to ensure we share brief moments together on our coffee breaks.
And have a quiet satisfaction knowing
That when you kiss her lips,
All you can taste is mine.

Nights such as these,
I need to sit in my own loneliness.
I have people I could reach out to,
That would quench my parched soul
But sometimes I just need to feel it.
I need to feel the depth of how every choice, every thought, every action,
I have made up until this point
Has brought me to this state.
I think we as a culture have long too revolutionized this idea
That we need to be happy. All the time. Every single moment,
And if we don’t feel that way,
We are depressed.
That is not true, there is so much more to life
Then happy and sad.
There is melancholy, there is joy,
There is grief...
And the funny thing about grief,
Is there is never a way to get over it,
We simply make a space for it.
I don’t talk about my grief,
Even those who are close to me,
Know that I only talk about it when it calls my name too far into the dark.
There is a certain point I sit in it and I know when I need to call in reinforcements.
Today is not that day, today is the day that I need to feel every soul ******* touch.
Today I need to remember it, become its lover again,
So I can let it leave in the middle of the night when I am fast asleep.
Sing me your dark song oh dear one,
Put me to sleep in a puddle of tears
For I am far too parched.

Congratulations,
You got what you wanted.
You saw your goal, now you’ve reached it, now the real work begins.
You were brought here for a purpose, we saw your potential and now you must fly.
What do you mean your wings haven’t developed yet?
You were born for to fly so how dare you land on the ground.
We’re here to support you,
Just as long as you say the right things and make all the right moves,
But oh wait, you don’t know it all?
That’s okay, sally is waiting at the door, does she maybe want this more then you do?
It doesn’t matter that you’ve done it right 997 times, I found 3 times you didn’t so shame on you.
We will judge you, and oh we are listening,
Even when you think you can breathe again...
wait, you need to breathe?
The fire in your eyes makes you look like a crazy person,
There are people here who don’t care, so neither should you.
But get it right all the time.
Care to not care to care is to win,
And all I want is to make sure you succeed...
Hold on, did you think you would succeed?
Time is money, but you didn’t talk for long enough.
Spend more money to make more money,
We have expectations around here and clearly you aren’t living up to them.
I don’t care about your struggle, remember your place, you are a number on a blackboard and it is starting to erase you...
You stand out to much. Fit in but stand out, you were born to shine
But perhaps sparkle a little less, ok?
Your life outside of here need not matter,
No one cares, there will always be someone who has it worse then you.
I see you brought a lunch today, there are starving kids in Africa after all...
Stand up, sit down, become one with a wall
Can’t you see that we believe in equality around here?
Yes I’m listening but clearly you don’t understand that we just don’t care.
We care enough to pretend we care, do you understand?
Oh I see, you aren’t a shell of a person, you haven’t lost you humanness yet?
Give it time, you’ll be like us one day...
walking around here, living a life that nobody knows anything about.
Oh, you like to talk about real stuff? You actually want to be a real person?
Yeah, you’ll get bitter too.
Let the bitterness take control, become such a happy person on the outside but on the inside you’re already dead.
Oh wait, you aren’t like one of us?
Remember, this is what you wanted.

How does it feel to have it all?

When I tell you I care, I don’t mean it like everyone else.
When everyone else says they care it means when it benefits them.
When I tell you I care I mean if I have $10 in my pocket and you needed something I would give you the $10 and say a silent prayer hoping that it’s enough.
When I tell you I care I spend far too much time thinking about solutions for your problems that have nothing to do with me. It means I’m awake at 3am crying for you wishing I could make it go all away.
When I tell you I care and I find a solution for you I get angry when you refuse my help, for I am just trying to help ****** and I’m tired of crying for your suffering.
When I tell you I care you could call me at 4am when I had just gotten to sleep after staying awake having your problems troubling me and would make reassuring noises into the phone as you cry about your newest problem.
When I tell you I care I will defend your name with every seething breathe and hell will pay for anyone who dares to tarnish your name in my presence.
When you tell me how ugly you are and how worthless you feel I will take it as a personal attack because I don’t love things that are worthless. You are destroying one of the things I love and how dare you do that.
When I tell you I care we could go years without speaking and if you reach out to me and tell me you need someone, not out of boredom but because the pain you are carrying is becoming too heavy I will help you carry the load and forget about the time between us. I will throw out my back until you feel strong enough to carry on.
When you tell me through silence that I am not a part of your life anymore I will not continue to intrude in your life, I will exit out the back door quietly and continue to pray for you when the thought of you comes to mind.
When I offer you silence it is because I cannot carry your troubles anymore and I need to grow strong again, in hopes that you will hear my silent screams.
When you ask me why I give so much I will tell you my life story that has been filled with abandonment and hurt and how I wish for no one to feel how I have felt before.
Because darkness and I are close friends and I have felt the crushing weight of having no one to turn to. I know how to ****** the darkness, and I would rather toy with it on your behalf then to risk you never coming back; The beauty in darkness can be tantalizing after all.
When you question my cocky attitude I will tell you it’s because I have always had to fend for myself and very few get to see beyond the veil.
When I fight for you it is because I have kissed the ashes of those who have tried to burn me at the stake because no one likes a woman who knows what she needs and will give anything to see others smile. Kindness is often mistaken as weakness and darling, I am far from weak.
When you look at my life and you question how I could be content with it and continue to be excited you should know that my life has been built from a foundation of rock bottom and every brick is a celebration of success.
When I tell you I need you for something be honoured that I feel comfortable asking for help and if met with a bad attitude I will never show weakness to you again.
When I tell you I care for you I don’t want to see a fake smile, I would much rather 10000 tears then a smile that is anything but genuine.
Fakeness is the poison to my charm, when found out I die a little inside.
When I tell you I care it is the purest of love, do not awaken this within me unless you are prepared for a hurricane.
For when I stop caring about you, I will throw you into the same fire as my enemies, and as E. Corona once said
‘She has been through hell, so believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into a fire and smiles’
And guess what love, I’m all fire.

My femininity is not found in submissive glances to the handsome gentleman standing next to the apples. And as I’m gingerly picking up bananas, hoping he notices how I slowly caress the yellow skin.
My femininity isn’t found in hours spent in front of my mirror every morning putting on a face full of makeup, enhancing my natural beauty amongst the lipstick and perfectly applied winged eyeliner.
My femininity isn’t found in clothes that hug my curves and accenting my child bear hips; inviting you to take a second glance.
It isn’t found in a well placed compliment and a giggle and a smile that’s strokes your ego and make your testosterone burn in your veins.
It’s found in my laugh, my tears, my passionate screams when the rest of the world lay quiet. It’s found in bubble baths and empowering women and teaching little girls that their power isn’t held in the palm of a man.
It’s found in my presence as I walk in a room, unapologetically powerful as I need no compliments from you.
It’s found in my words, nurturing ways and my refusal to let you not be accountable for your *******.
My femininity smells of tears, whiskey and cigarette smoke; if it makes your eyes water I implore you to leave the room.
It’s laughs that are too loud, words that are too offensive and a mind that will make you question your ideas of the world.
I smell weakness and I revolt out the back door, I have no use for the likes of small minded individuals. I know my worth and I refuse to lower my standards so your ego can swell.
It’s found in leggings and sweats and braless brigades. It’s found in wild untameable hair that is full of secrets that I guard with a seething vengeance.
It’s found in arms outstretched to my children who I will raise to be good men, who if they so much as make another woman feel uncomfortable will deal with the wrath of their mother and they will be sliced into hero’s. My boys will know how to find a woman, and if found she must be treasured and held to the highest of respect.

My femininity’s foundation is found in power and preservation. It is found in a smart forked tongue with a wild and brilliant mind; you will feel it as I walk through the door and I do not need to prove it to you.

I can tell a tale of a thousand tongues and whisper sweet wisdom into your ear, but you’re too busy sobbing about yester year to feel the calm that my voice is encompassing you with.
Age is just a number and time is man made creation so do any of these really have any severe impact on the world?
I inhale your sorrow and exhale creation but does it make a difference if you would rather tumble around in self hatred?
Skip skip the record goes and you would rather play the same song then perhaps listen to the melody of new.
I fly then I cry but I hold my head high so I can be easily seen in a crowd.
You take my hand but as soon as you see the edge of the forest you cry that you’re afraid of the light.
I offer you sunglasses to shield your vision but you lament that black is just not your colour.
Excuses and fears is all that I hear but I try to tell you to just take a step.
Frozen ground it may be but soon it will be spring and the snow will turn back into green grass, but all you see is the winter full of death and desolation.
Unable to move, frozen in fear I attempt to carry you but you kick and you scream so I put you back down.
So I say my good byes and maybe tomorrow we will try again.
But tomorrow never comes, it turns into weeks and then months, and suddenly you are nothing more then a stranger.
But a part of me knows that sometimes I cross your mind, and when it does may it only be of love.
For sometimes I think of you too and think perhaps I should’ve brought you some boots.

My love is a gas station pit stop you pause at to grab snacks and then carry on your way. It is a soft place to land when you need to rest for a while and to gather strength, then keep going when you feel strong again. It never looks like ‘I could be with this girl forever ‘ but rather looks like a passing moment of months. I’m comfortable, I’m easy, I don’t demand dates and lavish luxuries, I am more content just watching movies at home and making love by the dim light of the moon. I do not pester you with questions about your whereabouts and I don’t ever talk about feelings as I don’t care to invest any of my own. I love from a distance and that is how I like it; perhaps that is why I am the girl for the wanderer. When you tell me about the new girl you met and how you feel like it’s going to be a real thing, I am genuinely happy for your finding of love; I can’t help but wonder why I am not worthy of that affection, not because I want it from you but I want to feel the rush that makes me whole body vibrate and my spirit dance. Calculated cold and logical with a twinge of deep and feeling I am too wise to love with attachment. Some days I wish I could let myself go just to feel to sting of heartbreak but I know I am not strong to recover from another shattered heart; for my heart is already broken in ways you are too self absorbed to even notice nor care. I love the broken and the messy and perhaps that is why they take refuge with me, as I am broken and messy too, I am just better at hiding it. Or maybe I am just meant to love, to love as many people as I can and that’s what I’m going to ******* do.