you, who would not know
empty eyes from drowning heart,
bore witness to
my aching clavicle,
my bruised chin,
my empty skull.
my hollow-***** body
still shudders subtly
remembering your butterfly kisses,
butterfly knife wishes.
i thought girls were supposed to be gentle.

And I run
barefoot on the glass strewn beaches
sand pushing me down, grasping my ankles with needy hands
And i run
across mountains capped in snow
the cold biting with teeth sharpened by survival
And I run
through fields of flowers
singing softly in my ear, wanting me to stay
And I run
across oceans as deep as the universe
waves crashing against my shins in an effort to drown me
And I run
heart pounding like a war drum
chest beating like the endless sea
And I run
breath gasping like the clouds
limbs shaking like the leaves
And I run
          And I run
                And I run
                      And I run
                            And I run
                                  And I
                                        And I
                                            And I
                                       I run
                                   I run
                               I run
                         RUN
                   RUn
              Run
        run

Don’t give to her reluctantly
or resentfully
There are no warnings in her life;
no blinking lights
She knows any moment could be the last
Not for life; at least not her own;
no, it wouldn’t be right
Instead, it must be all around her;
to the things or people she loves
Life prefers cruelty to kindness;
to win an unjust fight
But she said, “I won’t give you up;
it’s not time yet”
It will always be her nature;
no matter the frost upon her heart,
the path remains steadfast in her sight

It's not the kind of sadness which makes you want to cry all the time,
But the kind of sadness that overwhelms your senses so much,
You began to question your sanity
You lost touch with all your emotions.

Venlafaxine in the day
A little white pill,
Promising you no more break downs.

Sertraline in the evening
Two little blue pills,
Selling you dopamine and fake smiles.

Quetiapine in the night
Three little pink pills,
Swearing that you'll be in control.

Those lies they feed you
False hope sold in crazy little pills,
I still clutch the bottle of gas
Dreaming of normalcy,
Cradling a razor blade on broken skin
I smile like a fool.

I knew I didn't have my key
I made you drive me home anyway
I wanted to see if the neighbors were there, they have one
But they weren't
So we sat in the driveway while I pretended to look frantically through my bags
All the while knowing I had lost it
I looked up at the sentry silent, dark house
So close, I walked up and pressed my fingers to the door

I wanted to go home*

But some things you can't change
And that door was shut
With me and my stupid, irresponsible teenager self
locked outside
So we went back to your place

If you opened my bag, you'd see a silver present box

I brought the needle I use to slice my skin to your house in a present box

I thought I needed it and I was right
I'm going to use it tonight

Broken spirited and trying to find a purpose to my life.
Maybe I'll fling myself into Africa or India and and spend my days being of some use,
Attempting to heal the sick and feed the poor,
Building homes for the homeless and finding families for the orphans.
Spend my days fixing the broken-especially after the storm,
Either made of water or wind or human greed.
Maybe I'll spend my days learning a new language as I dig wells for the thirsty.
Or learn a new culture as I thatch roof to clay huts.

What if I stay here and learn to be content with what is around me,
And learn to be of some use to my family and community?
Maybe I'll heal the sick here while mending their roofs
Or find homes for the orphans as I save them from the storm,
Either made of water or wind or human greed.

Swirly tufts of white
Flaking from the sky
They sting my hands red but
I couldn't be happier

Sprinkles of icy fluff
Blanketing all in pearly dust
They numb my cherry nose but
Nothing could be daintier

Whipped dollops of frozen frosting
Piping up wedding cake houses
They bite my cheeks raw but
This snowy night couldn't be prettier