I'm not crying because i failed you
I'm crying because i failed myself

-fir.m

How has this become my life?
I mean when did an actor start meaning something to me
All my life they’ve been there
But never in an important way
Just there
Now all my thoughts go to him
I talk to him constantly
Never wanting the conversation to stop
Miraculously it doesn’t
Somehow we keep it going
It still astounds me that he wants to talk to me
But he keeps it up
I smile to myself constantly
This shouldn’t be happening
But I can’t remember why
Now all I do is wait for my phone to buzz
And for night to come
For his arms to surround me
And his smile to fill my vision
I don’t know how to act
With a actor

Cold metal cuts translucent skin
Skin so fragile

Too much has been done to it

Cuts run deep
Bruises grow darker
  
Eyes so deep set
Shadows cloak them
They stare into nothing and everything
Seen too much
But never another’s love

Smoker’s fingers twitch
Every minute
Of every day
The need so great
To fill those lunges with poison
The burning sensation
That reminds her she is alive
Salt rimmed lips her only hope

Words always meant a lot
Now are only white noise

Freak
*****
****
Loner

They are only names

Disgusting
Unworthy
Unholy
Wrong

Only letters strung together


They are how she got here though
Names and letters thrown at her
Led to her bringing that blade to her skin
Led to her bumming her first one
Led to her buying her own pack

First she avoided the lunch room:
No lunch

Then she left before they awoke:
No breakfast

She came home so late:
No dinner

Thinner and thinner
She was wasting away

Few even noticed
Even less cared
One told her to eat
Would bring her food
She would force it down
Leave
And throw it back up
Almost every time

Her clothes hung on her frame
She was a broken frame
No one saw the haunted picture it held

Names and letters continued
Her life withered
She held on barely
Poison her only friend
Her guardian angel a blade
The new dream was six feet under

No one noticed

No one cared



So she stole some pills
Tried them
They made her feel a bit better
She kept taking them
Then they didn’t work so well
Upped the dose
That stopped as well

Eyes finally turned to her

The questions started

What’s wrong with you?
Why don’t you just **** yourself?

Answers followed

Everything
I will

The planning started
At first it was just something to take up time

Then it came alive
It started to entrance her
It spoke to her in her sleep
During the day
When she was kneeling on the bathroom tiles
When blood dripped from her
When smoke escaped her

She finally decided

Taking pen to paper
Words finally came to her
She spoke of those who hurt her
Of her own pain
Of everything
Everything she hadn’t said in years

She signed it with goodbye

She held her last cigarette
Took the most pills she’s ever had
Stood up on the chair
Put on her favorite new piece of jewelry
And she…

Kissed her life away with a smile
“Goodbye”

She is so beautiful,
You don’t get tired looking at her.
Even when she has tears streaming down her face,
Or when you see her just after she’s gotten out of bed in the morning.

You never worry if she is smarter than you,
You know she is.
She doesn’t even have to study the work to get an A.
But you can’t get jealous,
You’re just amazed.

She is funny without ever being mean.
She would never hurt anyone,
No matter how much they hurt her.
No matter how much pain is caused,
She’ll try her best to wake up with a smile on her face.

I love her.
She makes my heart ache is ways I didn’t even know.
I love her.
I am so lucky to love her,
Van Houten.

You don’t get to chose if you get hurt in this world, old man,
But you do have a say in who hurts you.
I like my choices,
I hope she likes hers.

What else?
You’ll never find anyone like her.